[When someone rhetorically asks why an item of technology is not working for them]

Cos it dosn't like you

[To break awkwardness/silence]

In other news, things happen

I say "Deez Nuts" alot. And "F*ck Sake" oh and "the sh*t?"

v3cks:

Korhal:
Demetri Martin is the king of one liners :)

FTFY

Nah, I'm pretty sure I had it right the first time, so I fixed it back. Mitch Hedberg is overrated... or rather, overquoted. I get extremely tired of hearing people repeat his jokes over and over, typically poorly, and though some of his bits are golden, not all of them (or even most of them) are.

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'" -Demetri Martin

When someone's looking for something:
"Beamed up."

example:
"Where's my fork?"
"It got beamed up."

And you'll be amazed of how much you can use the fraze "I got hungry..." (at least, in dutch).

"I'm killing you with a weapon!"

Fu!@% You is usually my response to any thing but i dont have a one liner. When someone says something I dont care about I say "I dont give a jack...Off!"

Also When someone says something amazing I say "Fozrealz!?" (For real). Also this is real juvenile but if im in a pissy mood or not paying attention I respond with "Your Mom!"

When things go wrong: Oh dear God...I'm gonna die...
After using the chainsaw in Gears of War: Some are born to use the chainsaw, some have chainsaws thrust upon them.
When something is good: Groovy
Description for something good or powerful: Bearded or bearded up (eg: I am very bearded)

I could probably list more but I'd be here for far too long just listing phrases.

I tend to put anything i can think of on the end of "Jesus in/on a..." and the rest will assurdedly send me to hell when i die.

the ebst one i came up with whilst actually having a discussion with someone at a shop:
"Jesus on a fucking unicycle, juggling pigs in wheelbarrows..."

I think i've earned my time in hell...

In certain situations when people deliberately wind me up I retort with:

"spoons to you fritzie!"

...a little childish i know, but this was a few years ago.I don't really say that anymore. But if people can use a phrase like that from childhood to an old age then that's a nice thing. Good on you people! = )

I don't give a rats Ass..trnomical caculations.

Naterstein:
"Thats the only shade of green it gets." (referring to people with sloooooow reactions at a stoplight)

"You are taking me to a whole new level of pissed off."

"

Bleak777:
My best is when a guy wanted to fight me. I kicked his ass pretty brutally and while he was on the ground I whipped it out and pissed all over him. Best one-liner ever.

If thats true thats awesome. Ive always said I was gonna do that.

Lets just say that guy didn't have any creds after that. I bet he cried himself to sleep a lot, too.

Korhal:

v3cks:

Korhal:
Demetri Martin is the king of one liners :)

FTFY

Nah, I'm pretty sure I had it right the first time, so I fixed it back. Mitch Hedberg is overrated... or rather, overquoted. I get extremely tired of hearing people repeat his jokes over and over, typically poorly, and though some of his bits are golden, not all of them (or even most of them) are.

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'" -Demetri Martin

Demitri Martin is really great, very true. His one liners are fantastic, and he's definitely one of my favorite comedians. I think Mitch Hedberg is best though, but much worse when he is quoted. His comedy is mostly, if not all in his delivery, and nobody can match it. That's why quoting him generally sucks. It's like Family Guy. If someone repeats back a story about Family Guy, it will NEVER be funny, because it's all in the delivery. Mitch Hedberg has tons of genius stuff though, things that are simply overlooked as being funny. Who looks at rice, or an escalator and thinks it's funny? Mitch Hedberg does.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your head exploding" --as I shotgunned a clanmate in the head during a CoD5 private match after he had been talking trash about me (all in good fun)

mine is
r u cereal????

v3cks:
Snip

Fair enough.

i say mine every single day and people still think its funny i dont know why and i dont care

"Uh-Oh I need a napkin"

When I'm at a party and a chick that I don't necessarily find attractive comes up and talks to me,
"You look like I need another drink"

Baby Tea:
My brother works as a paramedic and has to deal with drunk people all the time. One time, this drunk guy was getting REALLY rowdy in the back of the ambulance, so my brother told him to settle down. Well the guy took a swing at him, so my brother ducked the punch, grabbed the guy's head, smoked it off an oxygen tank, and seriously added 'Take a breather'. Awesome.

Sounds like a line from "Shoot em up"

Not one of my lines, but the one i absolutely love is in the move mentioned above, after Clive Owen sticks a carrot in a man's mouth, and then punches the carrot through the back of the guy's throat, he say's "eat your vegetables"

A line i like using now is when someone sits near me i say "sorry don't mean to be rude, but what the fuck do you want?"

Archemetis:
"Jesus on a fucking unicycle, juggling pigs in wheelbarrows..."

I love it.

dead_beat_slacker:
I say "Deez Nuts" alot. And "F*ck Sake" oh and "the sh*t?"

You also l*ke to use st*rs *nstead of letters in your w*rds.
As if this somehow deprives your sentences of any cussing, and doesn't offend anyone.
Evidently there are a lot of people that don't understand "F*ck" that would have gotten offended and insulted by "Fuck".

...For a fight?
I usually sneak up on people and try to garrote them with whatever is at hand, so one liners don't really work that well. (CLARIFICATION: I would not kill somebody in this manner. It's usually just to teach them a lesson, usually along the lines of "Stay away from me and we won't have to do this again.")
They're not conductive to things like not getting elbowed in the face, which really hurts. And it's messy when you bleed everywhere.

Whenever someone burps of farts, I usually say "THank you Senator. You're statement is duely noted"

BrynThomas:
When I played COD WAW, I said some horrible things.

Eg: I flame thrower a Japanese officers for 10seconds straight, watch his charred corpse collapse. Then say coldly "That's one son that wont be rising!"

You could reply to this with "I'm a hunka hunka burning napalm."

I had this roommate who wasn't the brightest bulb in the lamp, and the next thing that came out of his mouth was weirder or dumber than the last. Some of his best:

"Hey, hey, if I ate like two boxes of fruit loops, would I poop rainbow?"

"What's dairy about a cheeseburger?"

Me: "It's not in the dictionary because it's a made up word."
Him: "You can't make up 'turd'!"

Me: "How do you spell turd?"
Him: "T-U-R-D. Wait! T-E-R-D."

Him: "Dude, thanks for showing me how to cook. It's ok to put it in hotter and it'll cook faster right?"
Me: "How hot?"
Him: "Five-hundred."
Me: "You better check it."
Him: (opens the oven) "Dude, that's fucked up."

Roommate Steve: "The Jews wandered the desert for 40 years looking for paradise."
Him: "Did they find it?"

Me: "You're racist against midgets."
Him: "Oh my god you could race them!"

'You are the proof that evulotion isn't real, No monkey is THAT stupied."

SamuraiAndPig:
Me: "You're racist against midgets."
Him: "Oh my god you could race them!"

I laughed pretty hard at that one. Your friend sounds like a complete idiot, but hilarious at the same time. I have a few friends like that, but they are dick-heads most of the time.

For me, if it could rain or snow that night, I always say this to questions to what I am doing that night, "If she dumps." I use it especially for things that I do not wish to go to, like some shitty party or something.

BallPtPenTheif:
"There are only two kinds of people that read Harry Potter; little boys and the men who fuck them."

*rim shot*

:)

http://instantrimshot.com/

My Tang Soo Do master had an interesting one-liner, "Good things are NOT about to happen."

The only thing I have that even comes close to my own one-liner is this:

"I swear by all that is good and holy that I will kick your ass, you mouth-breathing bastard!"

forever saturday:
i also like to tell people their thick

Is that irony I smell?

When someone says to you:

"If you looked up stupid in the Dictionary there'd be a picture of you".

Response:

"Some of us don't have to look up "stupid" in the Dictionary. Also, my Dictionary doesn't come with pictures."

My favorite line:

"I was going to, but I didn't want to."

Makes more sense in Polish.

Or end threats with "...or you will be ra*p*e* through ears".

"Get ready for a reaping" Hince the screen name

curlycrouton:
When someone says to you:

"If you looked up stupid in the Dictionary there'd be a picture of you".

Response:

"Some of us don't have to look up "stupid" in the Dictionary. Also, my Dictionary doesn't come with pictures."

That's an Ed Byrne joke isn't it?

Baby Tea:

Fightgarr:
I play a lot of pool. Off the break I got 3 solids in and quickly said: "Looks like there's a solid advantage".

Nice. See, now that is a slick one-liner.

Just imagine saying that while wearing a tux, raising one eyebrow, holding a dame in one arm, and looking at a dead guy who just got hit (And killed) by a solid pool ball.

Oh. You mean old school James Bond-style stuff. :P

After doing something good and receiving praise, "That's why I make the big bucks." Ironically, also works when you do something really dumb.

Also, saying to other people what they are thinking about you. Do something really weird, say to the person, "You're weird." There's really no response.