why do people say dating your teacher is wrong? we got married last year and its fantastique

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just seems wrong how people say you shouldn't date your teacher.
my teacher met me when i was 16 and then we married when i was 18 (but i finished high school).
my parent said its wrong and even my friends said :0

It's the difference in life experience. Some kid dating an older person who already gets how the world works and has an established career, etc, doesn't look good. The relationship isn't on equal footing.

Also, what Legion said, abuse of the job position if you started dating him while still being a student.

Assuming the pupil is of legal age then it is simple. They are in a position of authority over their students so it is seen as abusing their status. For similar reasons doctors cannot date their patients and police cannot date people involved in a case they are working on.

It avoids a whole host of potential problems relating to it. Coercion and/or blackmail being two of them.

Personally once that relationship is over and they are just another person, then I don't see the harm in it. In that situation both people are now equals.

Hm... odd first post, just saying. Nevertheless, welcome to the Escapist, stay out of the basement and press any red buttons you see around the place.

I'm with Legion, if you were still under the instruction of the teacher in question when you started dating then he was acting unprofessionally at best, there's a lot of potential for bias when marking your work or disciplining you for example. Once he's no longer instructing you however then it's a different matter entirely, nothing wrong there.

Dating a current teacher and dating a former teacher are two very different things as Legion explained.
That said being married at 18 has always been a bad idea every time I've seen it. No matter how intelligent you might be and how mature you may think you are, you're going to change as a person rapidly over the next 5 to 7 years.

And those years are best spent trying to experience life and define yourself as an individual rather than being tied to the more sedentary domestic lifestyle of a spouse. Especially with someone who's already gone through that process, in which case you're less likely to "grow together" as you are to "grow apart". Not saying it can't work, but I've never seen it happen. And if you're really in love surely you could wait a few more years.

hi DC, he's 44, i'm 19 now. people stare at the cinema and beach when we kiss so yep i think i'm the only person who is ok with it lol. can learn a lot from him so i'm grateful. i had 2 bad experiences from boys my age that was scary lol.

hi Legion, when he was my teacher when i was i told him how i felt but our relationship only started after he left the school (to teach at another school) when i was 17 and then we started kissing.

hi JoJo, i told him my feelings and he could tell i liked him anyway but he was not doing anything with me until he stopped teaching there:)

hi Ratty, at least i'm 19 now so a bit older and tested. i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..

polly95:
hi DC, he's 44, i'm 19 now. people stare at the cinema and beach when we kiss so yep i think i'm the only person who is ok with it lol. can learn a lot from him so i'm grateful. i had 2 bad experiences from boys my age that was scary lol.

Well, that's definitely not the norm, though it's not "wrong" either. I guess it's just because of the fact that most relationships with those under 60 tend to be with people who are no more then 5 years apart in age, with even a gap that large not being that common.

Edit: after getting some sleep and realizing what I wrote before sleeping off my all-nighter, I realize that dame, it's weird and is kind of wrong.

yep Zontar, i never met a big age gap either and i see couples a lot at tennis. but he said its good to kiss in public.

polly95:
hi Legion, when he was my teacher when i was i told him how i felt but our relationship only started after he left the school (to teach at another school) when i was 17 and then we started kissing.

Just so that you are aware, if you click on the quote button on the top right of a persons post, it will add their post to your response and send them a message that you have responded. It isn't compulsory or anything, but it makes it easier for you.

I do not know the laws in Australia, but in the UK 17 is legally acceptable as long as they are not your teacher any more. So from my own personal perspective, it's nobody else's business if they don't like your relationship, although I would try and understand why some people may not like it.

I suspect a lot of it comes down to the people who care about you simply being worried, rather than being petty or close minded. If you haven't already, you might want to consider sitting the relevant people down and explaining your perspective. I doubt that'd change every bodies mind, but if people can see that you are being sincere and level headed about it all, then some may become more accepting.

It may also be worth changing it to say "Ex-Teacher" to avoid confusion as well.

It's fine so long as they are your former not current teacher. Teachers aren't allowed to date students because it's an issue with favoritism, professionalism and power balance. Its the same reason doctors, nurses and psychiatrists can't date their patients. I knew someone who date their teacher as soon as she wasn't his student anymore although he was 25 and she was 18. TBH the age gap with you seems a bit large but I don't think it's wrong though I can see why someone might be concerned he is exploiting you (not saying I think he is just that your family might).

Edit: I should read others post before I post so I don't make threads an echo chamber.

Legion:

polly95:
hi Legion, when he was my teacher when i was i told him how i felt but our relationship only started after he left the school (to teach at another school) when i was 17 and then we started kissing.

Just so that you are aware, if you click on the quote button on the top right of a persons post, it will add their post to your response and send them a message that you have responded. It isn't compulsory or anything, but it makes it easier for you.

I do not know the laws in Australia, but in the UK 17 is legally acceptable as long as they are not your teacher any more. So from my own personal perspective, it's nobody else's business if they don't like your relationship, although I would try and understand why some people may not like it.

I suspect a lot of it comes down to the people who care about you simply being worried, rather than being petty or close minded. If you haven't already, you might want to consider sitting the relevant people down and explaining your perspective. I doubt that'd change every bodies mind, but if people can see that you are being sincere and level headed about it all, then some may become more accepting.

thanks! you are very nice :) we could maybe try this. hubby is a bit different with this issue, he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private. i will ask to see what he thinks:)

DS when i was 16 i thought it was ok to hug my teacher but he told me its wrong so i knew then no to to be his gf. it is a big age gap but i have been scared of boys my age as raped or not raped but undressed before i ran etc. so my theory is i just am scared of boys that look like the age of my exbfs.

Probably because it could lead to an unfair advantage for the student. The teacher is dating him/her and might just give them A's for it. It is also very unprofessional.

Since you graduated I see no problem with it now. The reason you are probably getting stares is the massive age gap, if I had to take a guess. It's also possible most people might view you as some kind of gold digger or something like that. Since in the case of age gaps society tends to view money as the cause for marriage and not love.

Elfgore:
Probably because it could lead to an unfair advantage for the student. The teacher is dating him/her and might just give them A's for it. It is also very unprofessional.

Since you graduated I see no problem with it now. The reason you are probably getting stares is the massive age gap, if I had to take a guess. It's also possible most people might view you as some kind of gold digger or something like that. Since in the case of age gaps society tends to view money as the cause for marriage and not love.

oh i forgot about that :( gold digging. that might be what it looks like, even tho not rich, but a very nice pool and pretty home and car. that might be hard to prove i'm not :( or my friends know the truth but stranger could mistake it.
at least we only get stares from kissing. but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot. its kind of scary but small price for love:)

Yes, like Legion said, the primary problem with a student dating a teacher is that the teacher is in a position of authority and has a duty of care for students. In a relationship both parties should be equal, so starting from a point where one person is "in charge" can either negatively impact either the teaching environment if the student can't accept the authority of the teacher where the teacher is supposed to be in charge or the relationship environment if the student gives the teacher authority in the partnership. Additionally authority can be abused (especially in the situation where you are dealing with a young person who is not an adult) and the student can be "groomed" or "coerced" into being in or even desiring a relationship with the teacher. There is also the matter of bias in grading a student's performance.

A large age gap in particular where one person has only just reached adulthood can also be problematic. You've just come from being taken care of as a child by your parents and you shouldn't expect or want your life with your partner to be the same - being taken care of as a child. He's going to be far more experienced in matters of day to day life and in many cases, it makes sense that he would be able to make the wiser decision. This can be problematic as it may make it difficult for you to learn these things on your own and he may be unwilling to allow you to make decisions due to your inexperience. It may also be difficult for you to determine whether he's making a decision because it's an intelligent one or making a decision because it's what he prefers even though you should both have an equal say. Once again this comes back to the problem of one person being "in charge of the relationship" which isn't healthy. Additionally the fact that two people in very distinct age brackets are at different life stages and may want to accomplish different things which can strain on a relationship.

A normal and healthy relationship can be achieved in both the situations of ex-teacher/student and younger/older (and both combined) but these are just reasons why it has a higher chance to go wrong and what people looking in from the outside may fear. From what you've written it does come across like you have a problem by letting him be in control and putting his needs before your own though particularly in cases where he makes you uncomfortable and antagonises your family and a friends.

To be honest, it's a very grey issue with solid arguments from both sides of the spectrum. A teacher could very well use his/her influence over a student and coerce them into things, treat them differently in class or even blackmail them. However, I fully understand there are also teachers who can fall in love with a student and just want a genuine relationship, and vice versa. It's a difficult subject.

Since you're now 19 and left school, there is obviously no longer any issue what so ever. However, if you were dating while you were still in school, and he had that influence over you... I dunno, as I said it's a grey issue worthy of further contemplation. The real problem is, it can be easily exploited by devious people.

Legion:
Assuming the pupil is of legal age then it is simple. They are in a position of authority over their students so it is seen as abusing their status. For similar reasons doctors cannot date their patients and police cannot date people involved in a case they are working on.

Pretty much this. It's not rocket science that a person dating someone he's got authority over is frowned upon seeing the history of that.

The age gap is something people will care about and if that's pure society or if biology comes into it is a discussion for another time. However the biological bias there is that parents lose fertility with age as a security that they will be able to take care of their offspring until it grows up. Not really an issue these days since most manage to get into their 70's anyway. The thing is people are going to stare, people are going to think you're a gold digger or that he's a cradle robber because if we can't judge strangers we don't know, what else are we going to do? Socialise? Be friendly and/or polite? Who could even consider such a thing?

polly95:
he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

polly95:

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

polly95:

its kind of scary but small price for love:)

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

As mentioned, someone currently in a position of power of you...yeah, issues there.

OTOH, once that has ended...still, questions to be asked if anything was going on before that.

As a general rule, getting married just out of high school isn't a great idea, though that's not to say it never works.

wulf3n:

polly95:
he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

polly95:

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

polly95:

its kind of scary but small price for love:)

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

Yeah I agree, sounds like he has an exhibition fetish at the least, which he shouldn't force on you if you're not into that. He shouldn't be disrespecting your parents or making you uncomfortable if you don't want him to. That's not how partnerships work, you need to be equals in a marriage. You aren't a trophy and you shouldn't be treated like one. You being his wife gives him no right to humiliate you, and if he says otherwise he's full of shit. You need to tell him to stop if he's doing something like that and you don't like it, and he needs to listen.

well i'll give you three reasons that come to mind
1) they are in a position of power, and this can be seen as an abuse of that position. if you didn't start dating until after school, then it's not really an issue, but then it's not dating your teacher, it's dating a person who used to be your teacher

2) it can be seen as an unfair advantage in school. you could be given preferential treatment, or unfairly graded etc. while this might not actually happen, you can bet your ass anybody else who knows about it will be thinking that is the only reason you get good marks

3) while you are still in school, you will be in your teens, whereas the teacher will at least be in the 20s, usually around 25 at the youngest (given the amount of time to fully qualify as a teacher, get some experience and get/find a secure job). when you're younger, the age gap is usually seen as a much bigger issue than when you're older, and a gap of around 10 years or more is oft frowned upon when you're still hovering around the age of sexual consent (depending on where you live)

i'm not saying i agree with any or all of the reasons i just gave, but they are the first three i can think of when trying to think of how others might look at the issue. but as i said in (1), once you have left school and they become 'a person who taught you' rather than your teacher, i don't see any of these being an issue at all

wulf3n:

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

Yeah, I am honestly surprised by the relatively warm reception this is getting. OP, I mean no offense, but this sounds like a really bad situation. You met him when you were a teenager in a period where he was an authority figure over you. You'd known him for two years before you got married, during which you couldn't be the least bit romantically involved because he was teaching. Getting married to someone you've only known for two years is a pretty big deal and I'd automatically be a little questional about the decision regardless of extraneous factors. Given the complexity of this relationship and how young you are just sets off all kinds of warning signs. Not even to mention the strange thrill that he seems to be getting from feeling up his teenage wife in front of her family and strangers.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation, although it started when she was a bit younger than you were when you met this guy. She dated a guy in his mid 30s for a couple years, and while she thought it was perfectly fine for a while, she felt horribly manipulated and violated after. The fact that your teacher saw no problem marrying a student out of high school, completely ignores the worry of your friends and family and in fact seems to think that their concerns are an absolute joke really strikes me as bad news.

You're over 18 so it's your choice what you do with your life and I certainly don't expect you to change anything because a stranger on the internet thinks it sounds unhealthy, just saying that from what I'm hearing this isn't going to be the relationship that convinces me of how fine it is to date your teacher

[Edit: just for the record, I don't see the guy as some malicious perv with bad intentions or anything, rather just as naive and not-very-clear-headed as she is. More on that in the rest of the comment]

wulf3n:

polly95:
he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

polly95:

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

polly95:

its kind of scary but small price for love:)

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

All of this, and

polly95:
i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..

LEGALLY there's nothing wrong with this scenario, I suppose...but really from the sounds of it you are in waaaaaay over your head and setting yourself up for a world of heartache.

Look, you seem like a reasonably sweet girl and all, but from the vibes I'm getting from you so far I can't help getting the feeling that you are far too green & naive to be jumping into a MARRIAGE to a guy nearly three times your age, who seems to just be getting off that an old guy like him is able to show off a "pretty young thing" like you around all the time like, as these other posters are saying, as a trophy girlfriend/wife. The fact that he's never been married and is probably happy as hell that a woman likes him like this, and that you rushed into this due to your fantasies of being a wife just...yeah I can't imagine this going well at all.

It sounds like the two of you are falling in love with the IDEA/FANTASY of one another rather than the actual person themselves. And it's coming out of a place of desperation; again, he's just happy that a pretty female is infatuated with him, and you've been burned before so you're looking for someone "not like other guys" and he happens to fit the bill. The other is the right person at the right time...but are the the right person for the REST of your time? For anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows that that wuvvy-duvvy cherubs and rainbows honeymoon period you're going through right now doesn't last very long, and if you two aren't ready for the hardships of maintaining a serious life partnership, it can leave major emotional scars that are going to stick with you...

(You're young so you have a probably better chance at recovering/bouncing back than he would [or maybe he'd be at that "fuck it" stage, I dunno], but still. It's okay to fuck up and bump your head every once in a while, but if you can avoid trainwrecks, it's better to pull yourself a Neo and bullet-time outta harms way...)

I don't know the two of you so I could be entirely off with all of this, but in my humble opinion that you're free to listen to or dismiss however you like.....neither one of you sound like you are anywhere close to being ready for this kind of major commitment.

If you really, REALLY believe in your heart of hearts this can work, then have a serious heart-to-heart sitdown with him and just go over what the two of you want out of this relationship and your gameplan on how to make it work. Invest a little in some couples counseling and just keep being proactive into making sure this is how you want your lives to go. It's better to question early and get a definitive answer now than to find out you weren't right for each other once it's too late.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck...

The Dubya:
[Edit: just for the record, I don't see the guy as some malicious perv with bad intentions or anything, rather just as naive and not-very-clear-headed as she is. More on that in the rest of the comment]

wulf3n:

polly95:
he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

polly95:

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

polly95:

its kind of scary but small price for love:)

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

All of this, and

polly95:
i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..

LEGALLY there's nothing wrong with this scenario, I suppose...but really from the sounds of it you are in waaaaaay over your head and setting yourself up for a world of heartache.

Look, you seem like a reasonably sweet girl and all, but from the vibes I'm getting from you so far I can't help getting the feeling that you are far too green & naive to be jumping into a MARRIAGE to a guy nearly three times your age, who seems to just be getting off that an old guy like him is able to show off a "pretty young thing" like you around all the time like, as these other posters are saying, as a trophy girlfriend/wife. The fact that he's never been married and is probably happy as hell that a woman likes him like this, and that you rushed into this due to your fantasies of being a wife just...yeah I can't imagine this going well at all.

It sounds like the two of you are falling in love with the IDEA/FANTASY of one another rather than the actual person themselves. And it's coming out of a place of desperation; again, he's just happy that a pretty female is infatuated with him, and you've been burned before so you're looking for someone "not like other guys" and he happens to fit the bill. The other is the right person at the right time...but are the the right person for the REST of your time? For anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows that that wuvvy-duvvy cherubs and rainbows honeymoon period you're going through right now doesn't last very long, and if you two aren't ready for the hardships of maintaining a serious life partnership, it can leave major emotional scars that are going to stick with you...

(You're young so you have a probably better chance at recovering/bouncing back than he would [or maybe he'd be at that "fuck it" stage, I dunno], but still. It's okay to fuck up and bump your head every once in a while, but if you can avoid trainwrecks, it's better to pull yourself a Neo and bullet-time outta harms way...)

I don't know the two of you so I could be entirely off with all of this, but in my humble opinion that you're free to listen to or dismiss however you like.....neither one of you sound like you are anywhere close to being ready for this kind of major commitment.

If you really, REALLY believe in your heart of hearts this can work, then have a serious heart-to-heart sitdown with him and just go over what the two of you want out of this relationship and your gameplan on how to make it work. Invest a little in some couples counseling and just keep being proactive into making sure this is how you want your lives to go. It's better to question early and get a definitive answer now than to find out you weren't right for each other once it's too late.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck...

Good advice. Also please please please whatever you do don't rush into having children. I've seen so many people try to have children when they were having trouble because they thought it would make their relationship stronger. It never does, it usually just winds up making babies who can't be properly cared for.
Plus, if you had a baby right now your husband would be well into in his 60s when it turned 20. And your husband would never be able to retire because he'd have to stay on to support the child, which are very expensive. Plus the 40s is just too old to stay up all night taking care of a baby, believe me I've seen the effects it has on people that age. All the stress it puts on them makes them age much much faster.

From the way you post I can absolutely tell he's taking advantage of you.

We can be respectful and dance around the issue as much as we want here. But all I have to say is get the hell out as quickly as possible. This ain't right.

Well it certainly violates "half your age plus seven" rule, not that I necessarily prescribe to such algebraic tests of decency, but still from what little information I have this seems like a very fishy and potentially disastrous situation. It's really not a good idea to be marrying ANYBODY at age 18 much less someone old enough to be your father. The fact that he's a former teacher really only makes it significantly more weird and suspicious. If you want my honest opinion, and you apparently do, there's no way I can give this a thumbs up or say that it sounds like a good idea.

Obviously I'm just some guy on the internet so there's no reason you should take my advice, but I think you definitely SHOULD talk to someone you can trust who's more knowledgeable on this sort of matter and get their professional advice, and then take that advice seriously.

Also, it's fantastic. There's no Q. This guy clearly wasn't your writing teacher.

polly95:
hi DC, he's 44, i'm 19 now. people stare at the cinema and beach when we kiss so yep i think i'm the only person who is ok with it lol.

I bet that almost ruined your 10-year anniversary.

I don't think it's the fact that he's your teacher more that there is a remarkable age gap. It is always strange to see people who are generations apart date. Don't take this the wrong way, if you really love each other then I say go for it. But if I see you making out in public, chances are I am gonna raise an eyebrow and make assumptions. Noting personal it's just a social reflex.

Well, people say that it's wrong in Australia because it's also illegal...

Doctor/Patient and Student/Teacher relationships are grounds to be charged and arrested... Or at least that was my understanding of it... I never found any of my teachers attractive...

Or something equally as horrible to your career...

Sure, if you DON'T date them while they are your teacher then that's fine...
But if you did during such time when s/he was your teacher then that is why it's frowned upon...

So, yeah, that's basically my stance on it... If they're teaching you at the time, frowned upon... If they're not your teacher anymore: go for it...

Is OP legit?

No offence but my suspension of disbelief went away with OP's grammar, 19 you say?

I am having a hard time believing this is not a ruse my fellow posters.

My old music teacher ended up marrying one of his former pupils, the last I heard of him is that he cheated on her with a 6th former & is currently serving a prison sentence for rape. The reason is that the teacher is in a position of authority over the student, and even if you ignore that teachers have a lot more life experience than students just by their age.

People said it was wrong for me to date a girl 7 years younger (at the time, she was 15 and I was 22. She was going to our country's equivalent of highschool and I finished college and working as a sales rep for a good year.

Almost two years in and it's the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

As a teacher, I believe it's only not wrong in either of two circumstances:

A) The student is an adult, and initiates the relationship with the teacher. The teacher takes steps to maintain professionalism in the classroom, which may entail holding off the relationship until the class is finished, getting the student transferred to another class, or recusing themselves from the class and finding another teacher, depending on the stakes of the class in question.

B) The student may or may not be an adult at the time of the class, however, at the time of the class there is no attempt by either party to start a relationship. It is of absolutely paramount importance in this case that the teacher takes no actions which could be considered "grooming" the student for a future relationship- it's probably only workable if during the class the teacher has no sexual interest in the student. At some future point after the class is finished (and if necessary, the after the student is of legal age) the two meet again, hit it off, and begin dating.

That's pretty much the only way it can work and be ethical. In any other situation, the teacher is exercising the power of their position over the student, and there is a risk of some degree of coercion involved. Ether that or the teacher isn't teaching to the best of their ability because there is a distraction in the class.

Personally, I don't care about age gaps. People who get all antsy about other adults doing what they want just because there's an age gap can go hang for all I care. But the moment a teacher starts sacrificing the integrity of their class for their own personal sexual agenda, that's a breech of protocol that in my opinion requires immediate termination. I know that this doesn't actually happen in the real world, and I know several teachers who use their classes as a way of getting into their (adult) students' pants and I know there is a whole English industry here in Japan that pretty much makes its profit through the implied promise that if you sign up for classes you might get the chance to date the hot young exotic foreign teacher. But I like to think real teachers are not whores or predators, so I stay out of that side of the industry.

DANGER- MUST SILENCE:
Snip

That seems on the money to me. I'm afraid I've only just seen this thread after commenting on OP's previous one, and well. I'm not entirely sure what to say. This all seems rather unhealthy if true.

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