This post is long. You hath been warned. And I'm calling it a play by play now. So don't bitch that it's long.
I would rather not, actually.
Directed by William Brent Bell
Written by William Brent Bell, Matthew Peterman
Starring...
Jon Foster as Hutch O'Neill
Samaire Armstrong as Abigail
Malcolm in the Middle as Swink Sylvania
Tagline: It's the game of life and death....
And in the game of life, there are no winners. Only losers. Horrible, horrible, beaten down losers placing so far behind what could even be considered last place that they stop being losers, and actually loop through the cosmos to become winners. Yes, there are people who are such losers they actually reverse the very nature of our universe to become some sort of quantum winner, which sounds a lot cooler than it actually is. And in our cruel universe somehow, in perhaps the single greatest example of divine cruelty ever, the best examples of this strange phenomenon managed to end up in this same movie together. Why, I must ask, does the universe seek to allow such horrible things to exist?
First off, I pop in the DVD and am treated to the trailer for Stick It, a movie about teenage cheerleaders. So... this horror movie is so God damn weak it starts off with a preview for a movie written by the person who wrote Bring it On? What the Hell? By the way I did rant on Bring it On All or Nothing, which you can read... elsewhere, fucked if I'm going to start hotlinking things now. I'm far too lazy to do that. But not too lazy that I won't write at length about how lazy I am. I'm like a fat guy who won't change the channel because the remote is lying on the floor, but I'll walk to the store to get more chips. What does this have to do with this movie, you're asking. Well, this movie is so boring (it's a movie about a killer videogame, remember, fucking DULL shit) that becoming grossly overweight and subsequently walking to the store to buy chips is more entertaining.
It might take a while to gain the girth required for the full effect. I can wait.
...
...
...
...
But back on the subject of the trailer, it's horribly out of place. Are you saying this "horror" movie is actually targeted at the same people as a teenage cheerleading movie? That's like The Godfather DVD starting with a trailer for... I don't know, Tinkerbell or some such rubbish, how the hell am I suppposed to know what the girls watch these days.
Anyway, that finished up and I get this weird menu screen where apparently you can play the game that killed them in real life. Yeah, I don't even want to risk that shit. Someone hands me a box and says "This MIGHT contain flesh eating crotch weasles" I'm tipping my hat and continuing on my way sans box, thank you very much. It is amusing for less time than it takes to load, once you realize that it's basically just sitting watching poorly rendered 3D models spinning in place over and over again. Also, you can access everything that playing with the models unlocks anyway, so it's completely useless.
The DVD menu is a metaphor for the movie itself.
Anyway, without further ado, let us begin the latest installment in the "WanderFreak Ain't Emo But He's Pretty Fucking Close To Cutting Himself" Theater: a movie about a video game that kills people. Maybe you remember this movie. It was made several years ago, only it was Japanese, about a video tape, and was called Ringu. Then it was American, and called The Ring. Then it was ripped off and made about an internet site, and called FearDotCom. This it was Korean and called Ring Virus. Then it was Japanese again and called One Missed Call. Which had a sequel. Also there were three Ring sequels, one of which was a prequel. Also the American version has a sequel. And there are remakes.
This one damn concept has become an entire fucking genre. This is not right. Why is this allowed?
Also, why does the movie open with some wretchedly rendered 3D graphics? Not to say I wouldn't actually play that game, it's just... well, why is it that when video games are featured in movies they are these over-detailed rendered messes that feature game play that is essentially impossible? It's like when internet browsers make sounds when things load. Or super computers that chirp and beep. You do not impress me, only sicken and annoy me. Seriously, it's like no one who designs these sequences has even PLAYED a video game. They're always so minutely detailed that it would pretty much guarantee it to be the best video game ever made. Which it surely is not.
ON TO THE MOVIE ITSELF! Yay! Some geeky guy in no way a horrible Hollywood stereotype of videogamers as a whole is playing a game called Stay Alive, the most creatively titled videogame since Drive Fast, or Collect Things. But upon hearing some pounding noises coming from upstairs, he decides to investigate. And what does he find?
HIS ROOMMATE BLOODIED AND HANGING--actually it's just his roommate screwing his girlfriend.
While wearing a pig mask.
Well okay then.
He pretty much sucks at the game, and ends up getting killed by a God Damn Bat. Like anyone, this immediately convinces him that the very floor itself now wants to kill him, and he stalks around beig terrified by everything. Like his reflection. And corners. But oh no, he hears some terrifying sounds, the same sound from the game, ZOMG! I should mention that this is the rumble controller. That's right folks, the harbinger of doom is an errant rumble pack left on the floor.
Rue.
So he freaks out heads upstairs where he finds--HIS ROOMMATE BLOODIED AND IMPALED ON SPIKES WHY NOT! Just like some random corpse he found in the game! Which means we're one kill in and already the game has broken its rule and killed whoever it wants just because. Before he can point out this glaring logical fallacy he's conveniently hung just like his character was killed in game.
Killer meta.
Next up, when memes go wro--OMFGMUDKIPS!
So we jump then to a fellow by the name of Miller Banks, cousin of Farmer Restaurants I'd imagine, who is grilling his friend Hutch about how to beat Silent Hill 4. The fact that the tip is not only questionable, but for a different game entirely, stands as the perfect symbol of how pointless this whole movie is. Hackers was ridiculous, but at least they had Goldstein on set saying "This is ridiculous." What did Stay Alive have? Malcolm in the Middle. His friend finds out that the guy from the opening has died. By which I mean he was fucking slaughtered by a Playstation. Which naturally results in him going on the internet and posting "Holy fucking shit dudes my bud's Playstation fucking killed him XBOX FOREVER!!!1!"
Or it would if it had a single shred of realism.
The next few minutes were a blur of dialogue-less pointless scenes with no bearing on anything. Slow down! Three people just died horribly at the apparent hands of a video game, but you insist on progressing a story which is non-existent, so all you are doing is holding down the fast forward button and telling me to enjoy the fuzz. Seriously, it's moving so fast with nothing happening I am actually having trouble keeping up to write this God damn rant. SLOW DOWN, Wander cannot be angry if Wander does not know what is going on! Then Wander is only annoyed and confused, not unlike some sort of rabid screeching marmoset.
I actually paused the movie for a few minutes here to go over what I just wrote. And I rewrote half of it because it was written so fast it was completely incoherent. Seriously, two pages on the first ten minutes and none of it useful because it's all gibberish like "girl pictures dead pig sex hanged toast WHERE'S THE TOAST?!"
Anyway, slutty black haired girl who is dead guy's friend's girl friend or something, who is also a bitch, does... nothing, really. His OTHER friend is excited by the fact that his friend's brother killed his roommates and hung himself. This sentence is very confusing. This is the most accurate description of these scene you will find. If your mind was just blown, don't be afraid, I'm still picking up the pieces from my cranial tempest.
Then there's apparently something involving a fire. I know what we need to do with fire. Kill this movie.
ANYWAY... they find Stay Alive in dead friend's bag and decide, hey, what the hell, let's play it. Nothing like a little raiding dead friend's shit for our own entertainment to put a smile on our faces. Of course one must wonder about this particular sequence of events. Explaination:
Option 1: The killed gamer was spooked, took the time to take the game out, put it in its case, put it in his bag, then go die.
Option 2: The police took the game out of the console, put it in its case, put it in his bag, then gave a bag containing evidence to his friends.
Option 3: Fuck you logic.
Sadly, I think Option 3 is the most likely one in this case.
Because otherwise there would be no movie.
And I would not be suffering through this.
Then we get the next scene of suspense, which consists of a guy walking around hearing ambient noises. TERROR!
THEN IT'S FRANKIE FUCKING MUNIZ WEARING SOME FUCKING RETARDED GOD DAMN HAT LIKE A PIECE OF RUBBISH HE IS DROWN HIM IN A SINK ANDLETHIMDIESLOWLY!
*deep breath*
Seriously, if you have ever wanted to smack Muniz upside the head, this movie will make you want to put your foot so far up his ass he is no longer human but a twisted sort of sock puppet. Twitching your big toe will make his head spin around full circle. Also he will be dead, but it will be amusing, so everyone wins! Except Frankie Muniz, because in the game of life, he is a loser.
The gang of idiots (who are NOT representative of real gamers, unless we're all... fucking stupid) set up to break in the new game. As a side note, this DVD is the single worst presentation I have ever seen. Dark scenes are so badly transferred the blacks are actually square and fragmented, and normal scenes are washed out, blurry, and look and sound like crappy student films.
At least student films are allowed to be pretentious, this is just shit.
Meanwhile, blondie keeps taking pictures of people. And why do these people have air traffic controller headphones? Seriously. A co-worker of mine has big headphones. They are huge. These guys have ones that make my co-worker's look like iPod earbuds for Christ sake. No wonder they die when they're playing games, they can't hear things sneaking up on them. Like a fire. Or the apocalypse. Air traffic controller headsets on and using fifty screens and an internet connection, the group hold their LAN party. If you know what a LAN party is, you will hate this movie.
After speaking some lines of a poem thinking it's speech activating gaming for no reason other than why not, they get to the game. Now, if I played a game that good, I would be scared. Why? Because the best voice activation on the consumer market thinks that when I say "I want to go to the park" I am actually saying "toast on butter chickens DIE HUMAN!"
However, I will admit I liked the scene where they create their characters. That was gaming, to be sure. Sadly it's over extremely quickly. And before you know it, you get voice over so bad MY voice acting is better. I kid you not, but the voice over was done by Rick Green. Who is he? He was Bill on The Red Green Show. The one character on the show who never spoke. On what amounted to a Canadian PBS show.
Seriously.
The mind boggles.
Also, why is this movie a cheap rip off of the low-budget video game Hunter: The Reckoning? Although, truthfully watching the group fighting through a graveyard fighting off the hoards brought back fond memories of gaming with friends. Yes, friends. Yes, I had friends. FUCK YOU!
So the business man finds himself in the basement, in a room full of dead bodies. By himself. Proving that he would utterly suck at Left 4 Dead. The villain chick comes at him and kills him, thus ending his game. Damn, that sucks. There are no respawn closets in hell. It must suck that he sees something moving down the hall. And I am not kidding when I say this is the worst looking movie ever. It looks absolutely terrible. Beyond terrible, in fact. If I were to be raped in the ass by King Kong, I would enjoy it in comparison to the quality of this DVD.
But whatever, picture quality doesn't matter when the guy hears the snoring. It almost sounds like a duck who's a little slow in the head. It's like, I'm a duck, so... I quack? Or do I? As I mentioned it's his controller vibrating along the floor. Which makes no sense in retrospect, but let's not go there, as the villain comes along and kills him.
Off camera.
So the brother who is dead guy shows up and is interrogated by the police who immediately suspect him as the killer. Why? What motive did he have? He has four people to confirm his alibi. He has internet records and log-in times that can confirm his actions. They have no fingerprints, no proof, no nothing. Yet they immediately suspect him.
...yeeeah.
Then the first guy's brother suddenly figures out that the video game is responsible. And it wasn;t even a "Wait a minute!" moment, he just states it as a fact and that;s the end of it. Seriously, the only guy who says exactly what he thinks is the stoner after he gets stoned. At the same time as a tribute to the dead guy, the one stoner guy decides to play the game all by himself.
Then some mirrors break, keyboards bleed, images are seen in OTHER mirrors, and the brother begins investigating the events of his brother's death. While in the dead guy's office he hears the familiar snoring sound (I refuse to call it a rumble pack), but thinks nothing of it. He then proceeds to enter the cordoned off crime scene to find a cell phone on the floor, under the desk. Way under the desk. Vibrating.
Why does everything vibrate AND sound the same?
Then a guy is run over by a horse drawn carriage.
...aheywha?
Then in fast motion the rest of the scene plays out. And all it was missing was Benny Hill music. They actually put cones around the body. That seems pointless, considering that the body is completely enclosed by emergency vehicles. So all they have to step around the cones to get to the body.
But at least it's... fuck, I don't know.
Anyway, the detective who played the game (Jesus, follow along, would ya?) ends up dead after his head is pulled apart. It's... well it's over in about ten seconds, so it's pretty much irrelevant. After a long, long time of nothing much happening, they go home and find that the game has played itself.
...so...
...wait.
The game can play itself, as has been seen in two occasions. Which means it can kill freely. So why does the game exist? And why does the spirit need the game to get its victims when it can just play itself and get all it needs? So basically what you are saying is the entire movie up to this point has been worthless, as in the end the ghost can just kill whoever it wants whenever it wants?
Anyway, ghosty kills the black haired chick, and despite stating that the movie has no point, it does not end.
Then Muniz decides to play the game, in a rare moment of intelligence wherein he realizes that since the game plays with or without them, perhaps he can use himself as an online decoy to give them time to defeat the boss and save the day.
He then says "Get out of here. I got these punk ass bitch mother fuckers handled." Thus losign any heroic credibility he may have earned.
But moving right along, turns out the house in the game is the house that not only was the real Bathory house, it also belongs to the game developer. Which means that Bathory was in the US. Which means the entire premise of the movie is flawed because Countess Elizabeth Bathory never set foot in America. And never owned a small US based videogame publishing company.
READ SOME GOTHIC LITERATURE DAMN IT!
They also find a huge cemetery and the tower. Which apparently no one has taken note of until this point in time.
Also, roses save the day.
And the countess comes for Muniz despite him not having died. He even says that's cheating.
So...
...
God damn it.
The game plays itself, and the countess can kill at will ignoring the rules of the game.
SO WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS MOVIE?!
THEN when the countess attacks, they throw rose petals at her and stop her.
Now, if you recall, it was stated that they cannot cross the STEMS of wild roses, not petals. Didn't catch that? Yeah well it was kinda a passing mention, so don't feel too bad. It's not like they're even listening to their own rules anymore.
Oh, and why are the souls of the girls Bathory murdered trying to kill the people who are trying to set them free? And why are they very cheap rip-offs of Sadako from The Ring? Why do I care?
So for the grand finale, it goes like this: guy puts three nails through her body's throat. Her ghost is about to spear the blond chick. He puts a nail in her head after waiting for twelve minutes. Her ghost vanishes. Her body wakes up and she makes the nails fall out.
...so what was the point then?
Not to worry, the cover of an Alienware computer distracts her long enough for the main character to set fire to her.
So...
...
...give me a minute.
...okay, a...
...
One minute.
...
An Alienware computer and a cigarette lighter defeat an immortal soul-collecting demoness?
...
Then Muniz shows up again despite being dead. No explanation is given.
...
Then it cuts to this video game store, where the game Stay Alive has apparently been mass produced and become a sensation. Which means that the designer somehow managed to get the game produced, despite everyone who plays it dying off. Also, the police are never mentioned again after the one dies. Also, the game begins right away with no menu screen OR the reading of the prayer, which mea...
...
So...
...
Give me a minute...
...
Okay, so Muniz despite being dead isn't killed. Also, since they didn't actually manage to defeat Bathory, they have to continue playing the game forever. Which means that basically, the last 90 minutes were for absolutely nothing because in the end all that was accomplished was... utterly nothing.
Next time on... Ranty Reviews...
Pfft, like I have a clue anymore.
Dudes, Ranty has a user group now! JOIN THAT SHIT UP!
Wait... what?
Need to get your ranty fix? Read the other Ranty reviews!
The Complete Ranty Compendium
This post is long. You hath been warned. And I'm calling it a play by play now. So don't bitch that it's long.
Directed by William Brent Bell
Written by William Brent Bell, Matthew Peterman
Starring...
Jon Foster as Hutch O'Neill
Samaire Armstrong as Abigail
Malcolm in the Middle as Swink Sylvania
Tagline: It's the game of life and death....
And in the game of life, there are no winners. Only losers. Horrible, horrible, beaten down losers placing so far behind what could even be considered last place that they stop being losers, and actually loop through the cosmos to become winners. Yes, there are people who are such losers they actually reverse the very nature of our universe to become some sort of quantum winner, which sounds a lot cooler than it actually is. And in our cruel universe somehow, in perhaps the single greatest example of divine cruelty ever, the best examples of this strange phenomenon managed to end up in this same movie together. Why, I must ask, does the universe seek to allow such horrible things to exist?
First off, I pop in the DVD and am treated to the trailer for Stick It, a movie about teenage cheerleaders. So... this horror movie is so God damn weak it starts off with a preview for a movie written by the person who wrote Bring it On? What the Hell? By the way I did rant on Bring it On All or Nothing, which you can read... elsewhere, fucked if I'm going to start hotlinking things now. I'm far too lazy to do that. But not too lazy that I won't write at length about how lazy I am. I'm like a fat guy who won't change the channel because the remote is lying on the floor, but I'll walk to the store to get more chips. What does this have to do with this movie, you're asking. Well, this movie is so boring (it's a movie about a killer videogame, remember, fucking DULL shit) that becoming grossly overweight and subsequently walking to the store to buy chips is more entertaining.
It might take a while to gain the girth required for the full effect. I can wait.
...
...
...
...
But back on the subject of the trailer, it's horribly out of place. Are you saying this "horror" movie is actually targeted at the same people as a teenage cheerleading movie? That's like The Godfather DVD starting with a trailer for... I don't know, Tinkerbell or some such rubbish, how the hell am I suppposed to know what the girls watch these days.
Anyway, that finished up and I get this weird menu screen where apparently you can play the game that killed them in real life. Yeah, I don't even want to risk that shit. Someone hands me a box and says "This MIGHT contain flesh eating crotch weasles" I'm tipping my hat and continuing on my way sans box, thank you very much. It is amusing for less time than it takes to load, once you realize that it's basically just sitting watching poorly rendered 3D models spinning in place over and over again. Also, you can access everything that playing with the models unlocks anyway, so it's completely useless.
The DVD menu is a metaphor for the movie itself.
Anyway, without further ado, let us begin the latest installment in the "WanderFreak Ain't Emo But He's Pretty Fucking Close To Cutting Himself" Theater: a movie about a video game that kills people. Maybe you remember this movie. It was made several years ago, only it was Japanese, about a video tape, and was called Ringu. Then it was American, and called The Ring. Then it was ripped off and made about an internet site, and called FearDotCom. This it was Korean and called Ring Virus. Then it was Japanese again and called One Missed Call. Which had a sequel. Also there were three Ring sequels, one of which was a prequel. Also the American version has a sequel. And there are remakes.
This one damn concept has become an entire fucking genre. This is not right. Why is this allowed?
Also, why does the movie open with some wretchedly rendered 3D graphics? Not to say I wouldn't actually play that game, it's just... well, why is it that when video games are featured in movies they are these over-detailed rendered messes that feature game play that is essentially impossible? It's like when internet browsers make sounds when things load. Or super computers that chirp and beep. You do not impress me, only sicken and annoy me. Seriously, it's like no one who designs these sequences has even PLAYED a video game. They're always so minutely detailed that it would pretty much guarantee it to be the best video game ever made. Which it surely is not.
ON TO THE MOVIE ITSELF! Yay! Some geeky guy in no way a horrible Hollywood stereotype of videogamers as a whole is playing a game called Stay Alive, the most creatively titled videogame since Drive Fast, or Collect Things. But upon hearing some pounding noises coming from upstairs, he decides to investigate. And what does he find?
HIS ROOMMATE BLOODIED AND HANGING--actually it's just his roommate screwing his girlfriend.
While wearing a pig mask.
Well okay then.
He pretty much sucks at the game, and ends up getting killed by a God Damn Bat. Like anyone, this immediately convinces him that the very floor itself now wants to kill him, and he stalks around beig terrified by everything. Like his reflection. And corners. But oh no, he hears some terrifying sounds, the same sound from the game, ZOMG! I should mention that this is the rumble controller. That's right folks, the harbinger of doom is an errant rumble pack left on the floor.
Rue.
So he freaks out heads upstairs where he finds--HIS ROOMMATE BLOODIED AND IMPALED ON SPIKES WHY NOT! Just like some random corpse he found in the game! Which means we're one kill in and already the game has broken its rule and killed whoever it wants just because. Before he can point out this glaring logical fallacy he's conveniently hung just like his character was killed in game.
Killer meta.
Next up, when memes go wro--OMFGMUDKIPS!
So we jump then to a fellow by the name of Miller Banks, cousin of Farmer Restaurants I'd imagine, who is grilling his friend Hutch about how to beat Silent Hill 4. The fact that the tip is not only questionable, but for a different game entirely, stands as the perfect symbol of how pointless this whole movie is. Hackers was ridiculous, but at least they had Goldstein on set saying "This is ridiculous." What did Stay Alive have? Malcolm in the Middle. His friend finds out that the guy from the opening has died. By which I mean he was fucking slaughtered by a Playstation. Which naturally results in him going on the internet and posting "Holy fucking shit dudes my bud's Playstation fucking killed him XBOX FOREVER!!!1!"
Or it would if it had a single shred of realism.
The next few minutes were a blur of dialogue-less pointless scenes with no bearing on anything. Slow down! Three people just died horribly at the apparent hands of a video game, but you insist on progressing a story which is non-existent, so all you are doing is holding down the fast forward button and telling me to enjoy the fuzz. Seriously, it's moving so fast with nothing happening I am actually having trouble keeping up to write this God damn rant. SLOW DOWN, Wander cannot be angry if Wander does not know what is going on! Then Wander is only annoyed and confused, not unlike some sort of rabid screeching marmoset.
I actually paused the movie for a few minutes here to go over what I just wrote. And I rewrote half of it because it was written so fast it was completely incoherent. Seriously, two pages on the first ten minutes and none of it useful because it's all gibberish like "girl pictures dead pig sex hanged toast WHERE'S THE TOAST?!"
Anyway, slutty black haired girl who is dead guy's friend's girl friend or something, who is also a bitch, does... nothing, really. His OTHER friend is excited by the fact that his friend's brother killed his roommates and hung himself. This sentence is very confusing. This is the most accurate description of these scene you will find. If your mind was just blown, don't be afraid, I'm still picking up the pieces from my cranial tempest.
Then there's apparently something involving a fire. I know what we need to do with fire. Kill this movie.
ANYWAY... they find Stay Alive in dead friend's bag and decide, hey, what the hell, let's play it. Nothing like a little raiding dead friend's shit for our own entertainment to put a smile on our faces. Of course one must wonder about this particular sequence of events. Explaination:
Sadly, I think Option 3 is the most likely one in this case.
Because otherwise there would be no movie.
And I would not be suffering through this.
Then we get the next scene of suspense, which consists of a guy walking around hearing ambient noises. TERROR!
THEN IT'S FRANKIE FUCKING MUNIZ WEARING SOME FUCKING RETARDED GOD DAMN HAT LIKE A PIECE OF RUBBISH HE IS DROWN HIM IN A SINK ANDLETHIMDIESLOWLY!
*deep breath*
Seriously, if you have ever wanted to smack Muniz upside the head, this movie will make you want to put your foot so far up his ass he is no longer human but a twisted sort of sock puppet. Twitching your big toe will make his head spin around full circle. Also he will be dead, but it will be amusing, so everyone wins! Except Frankie Muniz, because in the game of life, he is a loser.
The gang of idiots (who are NOT representative of real gamers, unless we're all... fucking stupid) set up to break in the new game. As a side note, this DVD is the single worst presentation I have ever seen. Dark scenes are so badly transferred the blacks are actually square and fragmented, and normal scenes are washed out, blurry, and look and sound like crappy student films.
At least student films are allowed to be pretentious, this is just shit.
Meanwhile, blondie keeps taking pictures of people. And why do these people have air traffic controller headphones? Seriously. A co-worker of mine has big headphones. They are huge. These guys have ones that make my co-worker's look like iPod earbuds for Christ sake. No wonder they die when they're playing games, they can't hear things sneaking up on them. Like a fire. Or the apocalypse. Air traffic controller headsets on and using fifty screens and an internet connection, the group hold their LAN party. If you know what a LAN party is, you will hate this movie.
After speaking some lines of a poem thinking it's speech activating gaming for no reason other than why not, they get to the game. Now, if I played a game that good, I would be scared. Why? Because the best voice activation on the consumer market thinks that when I say "I want to go to the park" I am actually saying "toast on butter chickens DIE HUMAN!"
However, I will admit I liked the scene where they create their characters. That was gaming, to be sure. Sadly it's over extremely quickly. And before you know it, you get voice over so bad MY voice acting is better. I kid you not, but the voice over was done by Rick Green. Who is he? He was Bill on The Red Green Show. The one character on the show who never spoke. On what amounted to a Canadian PBS show.
Seriously.
The mind boggles.
Also, why is this movie a cheap rip off of the low-budget video game Hunter: The Reckoning? Although, truthfully watching the group fighting through a graveyard fighting off the hoards brought back fond memories of gaming with friends. Yes, friends. Yes, I had friends. FUCK YOU!
So the business man finds himself in the basement, in a room full of dead bodies. By himself. Proving that he would utterly suck at Left 4 Dead. The villain chick comes at him and kills him, thus ending his game. Damn, that sucks. There are no respawn closets in hell. It must suck that he sees something moving down the hall. And I am not kidding when I say this is the worst looking movie ever. It looks absolutely terrible. Beyond terrible, in fact. If I were to be raped in the ass by King Kong, I would enjoy it in comparison to the quality of this DVD.
But whatever, picture quality doesn't matter when the guy hears the snoring. It almost sounds like a duck who's a little slow in the head. It's like, I'm a duck, so... I quack? Or do I? As I mentioned it's his controller vibrating along the floor. Which makes no sense in retrospect, but let's not go there, as the villain comes along and kills him.
Off camera.
So the brother who is dead guy shows up and is interrogated by the police who immediately suspect him as the killer. Why? What motive did he have? He has four people to confirm his alibi. He has internet records and log-in times that can confirm his actions. They have no fingerprints, no proof, no nothing. Yet they immediately suspect him.
...yeeeah.
Then the first guy's brother suddenly figures out that the video game is responsible. And it wasn;t even a "Wait a minute!" moment, he just states it as a fact and that;s the end of it. Seriously, the only guy who says exactly what he thinks is the stoner after he gets stoned. At the same time as a tribute to the dead guy, the one stoner guy decides to play the game all by himself.
Then some mirrors break, keyboards bleed, images are seen in OTHER mirrors, and the brother begins investigating the events of his brother's death. While in the dead guy's office he hears the familiar snoring sound (I refuse to call it a rumble pack), but thinks nothing of it. He then proceeds to enter the cordoned off crime scene to find a cell phone on the floor, under the desk. Way under the desk. Vibrating.
Why does everything vibrate AND sound the same?
Then a guy is run over by a horse drawn carriage.
...aheywha?
Then in fast motion the rest of the scene plays out. And all it was missing was Benny Hill music. They actually put cones around the body. That seems pointless, considering that the body is completely enclosed by emergency vehicles. So all they have to step around the cones to get to the body.
But at least it's... fuck, I don't know.
Anyway, the detective who played the game (Jesus, follow along, would ya?) ends up dead after his head is pulled apart. It's... well it's over in about ten seconds, so it's pretty much irrelevant. After a long, long time of nothing much happening, they go home and find that the game has played itself.
...so...
...wait.
The game can play itself, as has been seen in two occasions. Which means it can kill freely. So why does the game exist? And why does the spirit need the game to get its victims when it can just play itself and get all it needs? So basically what you are saying is the entire movie up to this point has been worthless, as in the end the ghost can just kill whoever it wants whenever it wants?
Anyway, ghosty kills the black haired chick, and despite stating that the movie has no point, it does not end.
Then Muniz decides to play the game, in a rare moment of intelligence wherein he realizes that since the game plays with or without them, perhaps he can use himself as an online decoy to give them time to defeat the boss and save the day.
He then says "Get out of here. I got these punk ass bitch mother fuckers handled." Thus losign any heroic credibility he may have earned.
But moving right along, turns out the house in the game is the house that not only was the real Bathory house, it also belongs to the game developer. Which means that Bathory was in the US. Which means the entire premise of the movie is flawed because Countess Elizabeth Bathory never set foot in America. And never owned a small US based videogame publishing company.
READ SOME GOTHIC LITERATURE DAMN IT!
They also find a huge cemetery and the tower. Which apparently no one has taken note of until this point in time.
Also, roses save the day.
And the countess comes for Muniz despite him not having died. He even says that's cheating.
So...
...
God damn it.
The game plays itself, and the countess can kill at will ignoring the rules of the game.
SO WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS MOVIE?!
THEN when the countess attacks, they throw rose petals at her and stop her.
Now, if you recall, it was stated that they cannot cross the STEMS of wild roses, not petals. Didn't catch that? Yeah well it was kinda a passing mention, so don't feel too bad. It's not like they're even listening to their own rules anymore.
Oh, and why are the souls of the girls Bathory murdered trying to kill the people who are trying to set them free? And why are they very cheap rip-offs of Sadako from The Ring? Why do I care?
So for the grand finale, it goes like this: guy puts three nails through her body's throat. Her ghost is about to spear the blond chick. He puts a nail in her head after waiting for twelve minutes. Her ghost vanishes. Her body wakes up and she makes the nails fall out.
...so what was the point then?
Not to worry, the cover of an Alienware computer distracts her long enough for the main character to set fire to her.
So...
...
...give me a minute.
...okay, a...
...
One minute.
...
An Alienware computer and a cigarette lighter defeat an immortal soul-collecting demoness?
...
Then Muniz shows up again despite being dead. No explanation is given.
...
Then it cuts to this video game store, where the game Stay Alive has apparently been mass produced and become a sensation. Which means that the designer somehow managed to get the game produced, despite everyone who plays it dying off. Also, the police are never mentioned again after the one dies. Also, the game begins right away with no menu screen OR the reading of the prayer, which mea...
...
So...
...
Give me a minute...
...
Okay, so Muniz despite being dead isn't killed. Also, since they didn't actually manage to defeat Bathory, they have to continue playing the game forever. Which means that basically, the last 90 minutes were for absolutely nothing because in the end all that was accomplished was... utterly nothing.
Next time on... Ranty Reviews...
Pfft, like I have a clue anymore.
Dudes, Ranty has a user group now! JOIN THAT SHIT UP!
Wait... what?
Need to get your ranty fix? Read the other Ranty reviews!
The Complete Ranty Compendium