Gone Gonzo Posts: 1348 Joined: 25 Jul 2009 | Author Note: Welp, guess is this somewhat of a review. Its been sitting on my harddrive and I was gonna post it on a number of sites, so I'll start here.
Pokemon: the 4th Generation
Hi I'm professor Oak. But you can call me Oak. Or MacDaddy, or Oakinator. Or even just the Professor. The world of pokemon is some crazy shit man, we use pokemon to help our lives and make it enjoyable. They do our building, cleaning, and we battle with them!
You are a ten year old kid, the place is Colourtown. The time is ADVENTURE! You will come to my lab and choose your starter pokemon, and go off on an adventure, where you will see Rattata, and Pidgey, and omg the scary Caterpies. Wait... no that's not right. Bidoof? Turtwig? Shinx?! The hell are these pokemon?!?
A Bunch of Game Freaks
Know nothing about the 4th gen? Thinking of buying that Pokemon Platinum game a little late? Want to know what the hell kids are talking about these days? You may not believe this but these pokemon are as corrupt as corrupt can get. Our kids are being poisoned by the stereotypes portrayed. Remember Jynx? Well let that be the bar for how low this limbo will go.
The Evil That is Sinnoh
 The first Pokemon is STARAPTOR. I saw a kid playing this game and I swear he had the same hairstyle as this pokemon. Just had to be combed a little and coloured the same, but it was perfect likeness! Pokemon is teaching our kids to rebel against the world and play Shadow the Hedgehog, do you want that for your kids?Gamefreak has hidden many secret messages that will turn our kids into angsty teens, I will demonstrate (or should I say demonstrate!)
Number:
#398, which we all know is some slang for kids. It means something like razorblades I'm sure. I'll look on UrbanDictionary later.
Moves:
Frustration. This teaches kids to take their anger out on the world, and maybe even themselves.
U-Turn. This devilish move is training our little angels to be reckless drivers with no consideration of signs prohibiting such endeavors. Its common knowledge that bad driving is a result of not going to church, and has nothing to do with being drunk.
Thief. To think Game Freak and Nintendo would allow such, a move. One of the ten commandments (I think, don't quote me on that foo'), and this MURDER SIMULATOR teaches our kids that its fine to steal! Let me tell you stealing is bad, wrong, terrible, unless you're broke like me.
 The second pokemon is HONCHKROW. what is with Game Freak and birds, my love for our avian companions is dwindling as we speak. My parrot behind me just threw up looking at this ma'fucka here. LOOK AT HIM! He is clearly the PIMP pokemon, Nintendo tried to hide that fact because pimping is perfectly fine in Japan. Or so I hear, its like 80% schoolgirls isn't it so its not that hard.
Number:
#430. This is especially bad because 4:30 is the time many pimps come to check on their hos.
Moves:
Swagger: Just wait, in a few years all the kids who played this terrible, terrible game will be swaggering everywhere they go. Slappin' hos and taking money.
Nasty Plot: Kids these days are scheming little bastards, but with the help of this KILLING TUTORIAL they'll know how to come up with a nasty plot to do... something nasty. I'm sure in the game Nasty Plot is a plastic bag over the head of the opponent.
Secret Power: I don't know what this 'secret power' is, but its a secret so its got to be bad. You know Hitler had a secret, I don't know what it was cause its a fucking secret but that is a perfect analogy to this. Pokemon is Hitler.
 This is LOPUNNY. Damn she's fine. Not Amy Rose fine or Krystal fine, but - huh what? No I'm not into furry ladies, I'm a normal dude. Beef Jerky, Morotcycles, UFC.... yeah, anyways. This pokemon is the ho of Honchkrow. Obviously, look at that form, that physique. Game Freak is a bunch of pervs to put this in the game. My kid caught her in the game and said "Dad, whats a clitoris?". YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY KID? HE'S SCARRED FOR LIFE!
Number:
#428. The bitch is always two steps behind the pimp.
Moves:
Magic Coat: You know those whores who wear those funny looking tiger fur coats? Yeah thats a Magic Coat. My research is flawless, don't doubt me.
Attract:Attract is a move that, when used, will make the opponent... suddenly.. infatuated... with that hot little bunny butt... I'd like to smack that. UGH. Get a hold of yourself. I could barely escape the clutches of her curvaceous hips, how are our kids supposed to survive? They're going to grow up thinking animals are hot! Even Sonic characters have more control.
Bounce: This requires no explanation, but for those pure hearted few, I'd say about 20% of all Pokemon hentai in the internet is that of Lopunny. And her breasts sure do bounce.
 Dear GOD , what IS THAT MONSTER?!? KILL IT! Kill it with fire! This... THING.... is called BASTIODON. And... ugh... just look at it. Kids are going to get the idea that its cool to be ugly. I don't like ugly kids, I like them pretty as a button thank you.(unquoteable as per the Don't Quote Me Bro! act)
Number:
#411. If you add 255 to that, you get, GASP! 666! ... yeah I got nothing else.
Moves:
Double Team: This move gives the illusion that there are more of the user, making attacking harder. The only thing worse than an ugly pokemon is TWO ugly pokemon. Thats TWICE the blasphemy! BUT WAIT! There's more!
Attract: Unlike Hobunny's move, this one is just disturbing. Have you even been in a bar (not me cause drinking is badbadbad) and you get this ugly chick just blowing kisses at you. And you try to ignore her to talk her away but it done'st work? Yeah, that woman was Bastiodon, how do you feel now?
Flash Cannon: I don't know about you but I don't want my kids to see this ugly freak flash them, their innocence is like a bubble. one poke and its all gone. But her if thats your thing then feel free, I'll stick with Lopunny here.
Poking fun at vidja games, cause they aren't what they used to be. Its been a while since I've written up a comedy piece such as this, go easy on me.
|
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1348 Joined: 25 Jul 2009 | Nobody's reading my reviews! ;_;
Well its better than getting bad ratings. /wrists |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 2746 Joined: 23 Apr 2008 | I liked it. I found it funny and at times not.
Douk:
Nobody's reading my reviews! ;_;
Well its better than getting bad ratings. /wrists
Uhh...Didn't I? |
Muckraker Posts: 342 Joined: 27 Oct 2009 | It was good, you were too obvious towards the end and I kinda stopped reading. |
Infamous Scribbler Posts: 580 Joined: 25 Apr 2008 | I liked it, especially the Lopunny segment. I'd tap that...
(/joking) |
On the Record Posts: 7020 Joined: 31 Dec 2008 | Ohh look at the time! Its 4:30!
Guess I better swagger on down to collect money from my hoes! |
Muckraker Posts: 274 Joined: 5 Jul 2009 | |
Infamous Scribbler Posts: 526 Joined: 9 Jun 2009 | Humor is a difficult thing at best. You aren't going to have everyone react to it the same way.
I felt there was too much rant and not enough review here. The feel of it was disjoint, you started off acting as Professor Oak, but turned the character into a foul-mouthed, inarticulate mass instead of poking fun with him while keeping true to form. And then you wander into a mix of concerned parent crossed with a pimp. (And if that was still in the mode of Prof. Oak, I don't believe he has any children although we have postulated here that he might be Ash's father. That would explain a lot.)
I think it would have worked better if you chose ONE VOICE to use, Professor Oak, The Concerned Parent, or The Pimp and wrote the whole thing from that perspective.
And I don't feel like the 4th gen. Pokemon were really explained nor the good/bad points of the game. It's fine to try to be witty, but don't lose sight of the main objective: to provide a clear review of the subject matter.
It has potential but I would suggest a careful editing and re-posting. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1377 Joined: 17 Apr 2009 | HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
seriously... this is an awesome piece of comedy, i liked that you were out to make fun of things and were a bit (just a bit) clever with the Jokes
and yeah, i wanna tap that too! (damn you lopunny)
keep up the good work! |
SUSPENDED Posts: 917 Joined: 7 Jan 2009 | You forgot the fact that Honchkrow is "Heiling"
OT: That was awesome!
Two thumbs up |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 3602 Joined: 25 Mar 2009 | You forgot about how this game gives kids a SERIOUS misconception of evolutionary theory; it presents Lamarckian evolution and metamorphosis as if they were the two basic concepts taught as evolutionary theory. Of course, I Pokemon Blue was my first video game, and I'm studying biology at university, so I guess it doesn't really scar kids, but I'm still concerned.
When I play Pokemon now I'm torn between enjoying myself and smashing the DSi with a Biology textbook. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 2943 Joined: 4 Oct 2008 | Glefistus:
You forgot about how this game gives kids a SERIOUS misconception of evolutionary theory; it presents Lamarckian evolution and metamorphosis as if they were the two basic concepts taught as evolutionary theory. Of course, I Pokemon Blue was my first video game, and I'm studying biology at university, so I guess it doesn't really scar kids, but I'm still concerned.
When I play Pokemon now I'm torn between enjoying myself and smashing the DSi with a Biology textbook.
But it's also very possible that science and physics in the Pokemon world simply work differently than science and physics in our world. Fallout did the same thing. It explains how Pokemon Centers magically heal all ills. It explains how nobody in the Pokemon world ever seems to get sick. And it also explains how the whole Poke Ball technology could even be possible.
As for the review, I was honestly expecting it to be a fanboy's rant from the title, not expecting a satirical piece. Not quite sure whether or not I liked it yet. I salute you for trying something fresh, though. |
Copy Clerk Posts: 79 Joined: 1 Oct 2009 | It looked like it was going to be more of a parody of all the nostalgic poke players who insist that their two color piece of shit GB Pocket game was and always will be the pinnacle of monster collecting RPGs. Then it seemed to switch voice, and just started stretching toward the end.
Still it was pretty funny, and considering it was your first, well done. |
Author Note: Welp, guess is this somewhat of a review. Its been sitting on my harddrive and I was gonna post it on a number of sites, so I'll start here.
Pokemon: the 4th Generation
Hi I'm professor Oak. But you can call me Oak. Or MacDaddy, or Oakinator. Or even just the Professor. The world of pokemon is some crazy shit man, we use pokemon to help our lives and make it enjoyable. They do our building, cleaning, and we battle with them!
You are a ten year old kid, the place is Colourtown. The time is ADVENTURE! You will come to my lab and choose your starter pokemon, and go off on an adventure, where you will see Rattata, and Pidgey, and omg the scary Caterpies. Wait... no that's not right. Bidoof? Turtwig? Shinx?! The hell are these pokemon?!?
A Bunch of Game Freaks
Know nothing about the 4th gen? Thinking of buying that Pokemon Platinum game a little late? Want to know what the hell kids are talking about these days? You may not believe this but these pokemon are as corrupt as corrupt can get. Our kids are being poisoned by the stereotypes portrayed. Remember Jynx? Well let that be the bar for how low this limbo will go.
The Evil That is Sinnoh
The first Pokemon is STARAPTOR. I saw a kid playing this game and I swear he had the same hairstyle as this pokemon. Just had to be combed a little and coloured the same, but it was perfect likeness! Pokemon is teaching our kids to rebel against the world and play Shadow the Hedgehog, do you want that for your kids?Gamefreak has hidden many secret messages that will turn our kids into angsty teens, I will demonstrate (or should I say demonstrate!)
Number:
#398, which we all know is some slang for kids. It means something like razorblades I'm sure. I'll look on UrbanDictionary later.
Moves:
Frustration. This teaches kids to take their anger out on the world, and maybe even themselves.
U-Turn. This devilish move is training our little angels to be reckless drivers with no consideration of signs prohibiting such endeavors. Its common knowledge that bad driving is a result of not going to church, and has nothing to do with being drunk.
Thief. To think Game Freak and Nintendo would allow such, a move. One of the ten commandments (I think, don't quote me on that foo'), and this MURDER SIMULATOR teaches our kids that its fine to steal! Let me tell you stealing is bad, wrong, terrible, unless you're broke like me.
The second pokemon is HONCHKROW. what is with Game Freak and birds, my love for our avian companions is dwindling as we speak. My parrot behind me just threw up looking at this ma'fucka here. LOOK AT HIM! He is clearly the PIMP pokemon, Nintendo tried to hide that fact because pimping is perfectly fine in Japan. Or so I hear, its like 80% schoolgirls isn't it so its not that hard.
Number:
#430. This is especially bad because 4:30 is the time many pimps come to check on their hos.
Moves:
Swagger: Just wait, in a few years all the kids who played this terrible, terrible game will be swaggering everywhere they go. Slappin' hos and taking money.
Nasty Plot: Kids these days are scheming little bastards, but with the help of this KILLING TUTORIAL they'll know how to come up with a nasty plot to do... something nasty. I'm sure in the game Nasty Plot is a plastic bag over the head of the opponent.
Secret Power: I don't know what this 'secret power' is, but its a secret so its got to be bad. You know Hitler had a secret, I don't know what it was cause its a fucking secret but that is a perfect analogy to this. Pokemon is Hitler.
This is LOPUNNY. Damn she's fine. Not Amy Rose fine or Krystal fine, but - huh what? No I'm not into furry ladies, I'm a normal dude. Beef Jerky, Morotcycles, UFC.... yeah, anyways. This pokemon is the ho of Honchkrow. Obviously, look at that form, that physique. Game Freak is a bunch of pervs to put this in the game. My kid caught her in the game and said "Dad, whats a clitoris?". YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY KID? HE'S SCARRED FOR LIFE!
Number:
#428. The bitch is always two steps behind the pimp.
Moves:
Magic Coat: You know those whores who wear those funny looking tiger fur coats? Yeah thats a Magic Coat. My research is flawless, don't doubt me.
Attract:Attract is a move that, when used, will make the opponent... suddenly.. infatuated... with that hot little bunny butt... I'd like to smack that. UGH. Get a hold of yourself. I could barely escape the clutches of her curvaceous hips, how are our kids supposed to survive? They're going to grow up thinking animals are hot! Even Sonic characters have more control.
Bounce: This requires no explanation, but for those pure hearted few, I'd say about 20% of all Pokemon hentai in the internet is that of Lopunny. And her breasts sure do bounce.
Dear GOD , what IS THAT MONSTER?!? KILL IT! Kill it with fire! This... THING.... is called BASTIODON. And... ugh... just look at it. Kids are going to get the idea that its cool to be ugly. I don't like ugly kids, I like them pretty as a button thank you.(unquoteable as per the Don't Quote Me Bro! act)
Number:
#411. If you add 255 to that, you get, GASP! 666! ... yeah I got nothing else.
Moves:
Double Team: This move gives the illusion that there are more of the user, making attacking harder. The only thing worse than an ugly pokemon is TWO ugly pokemon. Thats TWICE the blasphemy! BUT WAIT! There's more!
Attract: Unlike Hobunny's move, this one is just disturbing. Have you even been in a bar (not me cause drinking is badbadbad) and you get this ugly chick just blowing kisses at you. And you try to ignore her to talk her away but it done'st work? Yeah, that woman was Bastiodon, how do you feel now?
Flash Cannon: I don't know about you but I don't want my kids to see this ugly freak flash them, their innocence is like a bubble. one poke and its all gone. But her if thats your thing then feel free, I'll stick with Lopunny here.