Red Guard Posts: 3509 Joined: 18 Sep 2008 | Dragon Age: Origins - An 'Tenth' Review
A Google Image Baby Tea Review.
Also known as: A GIBTR (Pronounced: GIB-TER)
I have slowly decided to slip back into the world of mock reviews. The world is full of regular people with serious opinions on games meant to be fun. That's stupid. So this is yet another one of my light-hearted jabs at the land of game-reviews. If you're new to these, then take note of my previous reviews listed at the end of this one, as well as the following disclaimer...
Disclaimer: This review isn't a 'serious' review. If this is your favourite game and I make fun of it or mis-represent it in some way, don't get offended or point out I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong, because this whole thing is a light-hearted joke. If you can recognize that, then read on! If not: I recommend lemon sucking (it's worked in the past).
What is a GIBTR? A GIBTR is when I review a game based entirely on the first image that comes up in a Google Image search (With 'Large Images' selected). Everyone says 'Google knows all' when you need an answer to a question, so let's put that to the test! Therefore, I give you...
Dragon Age: Origins:
We'll be rating this bizarre title on it's story, gameplay, and the most important part: graphics.
Story:
Bioware is renowned for the sweeping stories, deep characters, and profound characterization found with their RPGs. That fact is why this title is such a surprise! Bioware has dubbed this the spiritual successor to Baldur's Gate, but they couldn't be further from the truth if the truth was stapled to a rocket and blasted into a black hole. Yes, Bioware lies.
They promised something about a battle with something called the dark prawns, and something involving a lite bright. Or something like that. But instead of evil shell-fish creatures and a child's toy that you lose all the pieces to because your cousins didn't know how to use it properly but they just had to play with it because your parents made you share, you get a 'game' that is light on story, and heavy on 'What the heck is this?'.
Suffice to say, there isn't a story. When I said 'light on story', I meant 'No story at all'. It's a paper-doll dressing 'game', though I'm hard-pressed to use the word 'game'. I'll go into more detail in the gameplay section, but the story is just non-existant. Notepad has a better story.
Story: 0/1000 - I would go lower if I could. Wait! I can! It's my review!
Real Story Score: -1000/1000
Gameplay:
You know those stupid Zwinky ads, where you can change the hair, skin, clothes, and other features of that stupid, idiotic little cartoon barbie doll that you just want to punch in the face? Yeah, those stupid Zwinky ads. Well that is basically this game. I mean, take a look at that screen shot. Go ahead! Scroll back up and look. The guy is just standing there. You see those cool knives? You get to pick them. But you don't get to use them. It's just for show! You don't even get to pose the guy! He just stands there, with cool weapons that you know he'll never use, no matte how much you stare at him. He's like a UN security force. Armed, but useless.
They even try to trick you with a little bit of blood on the one knife, but that's probably just jam from the guy making a sandwich, something you also cannot do. Honestly, when will games finally let me make a peanut-butter and jam sandwich? Well this isn't the game, let me tell you. And that makes me weep.
Gameplay: 1/1000 - Only because the knives a little fun to pick because they might have jam on them.
Graphics:
Well this is the only real high point of the game. I mean just look at the guy's six-pack! His rippling muscles! The fine detailing on his cod-piece! Some other not-so-subtle homoerotic compliment! I mean, the way they make it look like concept art is just fantastic. Unless you hate concept art, then the game looks like everything you hate. I appreciate how they lovingly render the innards of the boots and bracers, even if you can never use them. And look around the edges! You got the table and coins and everything! So it's the details that make the game look great, even if it plays like story time with senile grandma.
Graphics: 500/1000
Summation: -499/1000
This sucks. I mean, really, I could go into a nicely worded conclusion, but just turn on the vaccum, ring up some call girls, and put on a Nickleback CD, and you'll still not have more suck happening at once then if you put on this game. As a huge Bioware fan, I'm utterly appalled and disappointed in this title. I waited for so long for this game, and what happened? Bioware got bought out by 'Zwinky' and Dragon Age: Origins suddenly became:
Dragon Age: Make your own Fantasy-themed-Zwinky! Will that help you give a shit? No? Dang it! Will anyone but 13 year old girls ever click these ads? Dave, you aren't putting this into the title are you?
-- Baby Tea
Baby Tea is a periodic writer. You can find previous reviews here (In no particular order):
Ski Free
Halo Wars
Fallout 3
MS Hearts
Minesweeper
Killzone 2
N+ for the DS
Solitaire
Batman: Arkham Asylum |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 2738 Joined: 23 Apr 2008 | Hahahaha.
That was pretty funny to read. |
On the Record Posts: 6930 Joined: 22 Aug 2008 | *thumbs up* Pretty funny I must say. I'd love to hear your actual thoguhts on DA:O at some point though.
Do want more of the same. |
On the Record Posts: 6898 Joined: 31 Dec 2008 | I loved this.
Though, I would like to hear what you actually have to say about the game. |
Beat Writer Posts: 148 Joined: 19 May 2009 | |
Anonymous Source Posts: 1 Joined: 9 Nov 2009 | |
Copy Clerk Posts: 81 Joined: 19 Feb 2009 | God you're funny, what a spot-on commentary on the absurdity of presenting opinions and information on the products of a multi-billion-dollar industry which we all personally spend significant amounts of money on |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1784 Joined: 13 Sep 2008 | Bloody good read, sir.
I have to say that you seem to be adopting a more nicely-flowing style that makes these reviews seem less forced than before. Which seemed to be the major problem with some of your previous reviews, at least to me.
I do hope you intend to write more. |
Paperboy Posts: 12 Joined: 2 Nov 2009 | |
Paperboy Posts: 19 Joined: 27 Sep 2009 | Have to say, I read it and...I dunno. It's fine as a mocking review goes, nothing wrong with it, it just didn't click for me. Nothing against you the reviewer or anything, just throwing my two cents in. |
Dragon Age: Origins - An 'Tenth' Review
A Google Image Baby Tea Review.
Also known as: A GIBTR (Pronounced: GIB-TER)
I have slowly decided to slip back into the world of mock reviews. The world is full of regular people with serious opinions on games meant to be fun. That's stupid. So this is yet another one of my light-hearted jabs at the land of game-reviews. If you're new to these, then take note of my previous reviews listed at the end of this one, as well as the following disclaimer...
Disclaimer: This review isn't a 'serious' review. If this is your favourite game and I make fun of it or mis-represent it in some way, don't get offended or point out I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong, because this whole thing is a light-hearted joke. If you can recognize that, then read on! If not: I recommend lemon sucking (it's worked in the past).
What is a GIBTR? A GIBTR is when I review a game based entirely on the first image that comes up in a Google Image search (With 'Large Images' selected). Everyone says 'Google knows all' when you need an answer to a question, so let's put that to the test! Therefore, I give you...
We'll be rating this bizarre title on it's story, gameplay, and the most important part: graphics.
Story:
Bioware is renowned for the sweeping stories, deep characters, and profound characterization found with their RPGs. That fact is why this title is such a surprise! Bioware has dubbed this the spiritual successor to Baldur's Gate, but they couldn't be further from the truth if the truth was stapled to a rocket and blasted into a black hole. Yes, Bioware lies.
They promised something about a battle with something called the dark prawns, and something involving a lite bright. Or something like that. But instead of evil shell-fish creatures and a child's toy that you lose all the pieces to because your cousins didn't know how to use it properly but they just had to play with it because your parents made you share, you get a 'game' that is light on story, and heavy on 'What the heck is this?'.
Suffice to say, there isn't a story. When I said 'light on story', I meant 'No story at all'. It's a paper-doll dressing 'game', though I'm hard-pressed to use the word 'game'. I'll go into more detail in the gameplay section, but the story is just non-existant. Notepad has a better story.
Story: 0/1000 - I would go lower if I could. Wait! I can! It's my review!
Real Story Score: -1000/1000
Gameplay:
You know those stupid Zwinky ads, where you can change the hair, skin, clothes, and other features of that stupid, idiotic little cartoon barbie doll that you just want to punch in the face? Yeah, those stupid Zwinky ads. Well that is basically this game. I mean, take a look at that screen shot. Go ahead! Scroll back up and look. The guy is just standing there. You see those cool knives? You get to pick them. But you don't get to use them. It's just for show! You don't even get to pose the guy! He just stands there, with cool weapons that you know he'll never use, no matte how much you stare at him. He's like a UN security force. Armed, but useless.
They even try to trick you with a little bit of blood on the one knife, but that's probably just jam from the guy making a sandwich, something you also cannot do. Honestly, when will games finally let me make a peanut-butter and jam sandwich? Well this isn't the game, let me tell you. And that makes me weep.
Gameplay: 1/1000 - Only because the knives a little fun to pick because they might have jam on them.
Graphics:
Well this is the only real high point of the game. I mean just look at the guy's six-pack! His rippling muscles! The fine detailing on his cod-piece! Some other not-so-subtle homoerotic compliment! I mean, the way they make it look like concept art is just fantastic. Unless you hate concept art, then the game looks like everything you hate. I appreciate how they lovingly render the innards of the boots and bracers, even if you can never use them. And look around the edges! You got the table and coins and everything! So it's the details that make the game look great, even if it plays like story time with senile grandma.
Graphics: 500/1000
Summation: -499/1000
This sucks. I mean, really, I could go into a nicely worded conclusion, but just turn on the vaccum, ring up some call girls, and put on a Nickleback CD, and you'll still not have more suck happening at once then if you put on this game. As a huge Bioware fan, I'm utterly appalled and disappointed in this title. I waited for so long for this game, and what happened? Bioware got bought out by 'Zwinky' and Dragon Age: Origins suddenly became:
Dragon Age: Make your own Fantasy-themed-Zwinky! Will that help you give a shit? No? Dang it! Will anyone but 13 year old girls ever click these ads? Dave, you aren't putting this into the title are you?
-- Baby Tea
Baby Tea is a periodic writer. You can find previous reviews here (In no particular order):
Ski Free
Halo Wars
Fallout 3
MS Hearts
Minesweeper
Killzone 2
N+ for the DS
Solitaire
Batman: Arkham Asylum