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Freebird Reviews: Conspiracy Theories.

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He writes some under apreciated revirws - Pimpeter2 after coming down with a bad cafe of typoitis.

-19572/10 - Hubilub, possibly talking about me, possibly talking about the spinoff to 90210.

Ah, conspiracy theories. Everyone loves laughing at morons and I think this is why we love these. It's just so nice to hear the insane ramblings of a mad man and remember that you're still (barely) sane. Some people just have the most ridiculous ideas of what constitutes logic. And then there's the occasional one that, while still completely false, sort of makes sense. Whether they make sense or not they can be some of the funniest things around and that's why I'm here to review some of the most well known, and some of the most ridiculous, conspiracy theories I could find. I'm going to cover three of these theories today. If this goes down well I may do more. We're going to start with a big one. It's...

9/11

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Yes, 9/11. A lot of people died during it and it's probably the biggest terrorist attack you can think of. It was a horrific event and I feel very sorry for anyone who lost friends, family and/or loved ones in it. Obviously it's a touchy subject but this is a comedic review (at least it's supposed to be, god knows I'm not very funny). So this is a warning. If you think you may find this offensive, turn back now. I'd much rather no one was hurt. As well as 9/11 I'll be talking about some other touchy subjects like World War 2 and suicide. Once again, if you're offended by any of that turn back now.

A lot of conspiracy theories popped up after 9/11, some only shortly after the event had happened. I've found some of the best and the most common one, the one that keeps cropping up is that it was all a plan by the government. Apparently people think that the government would kill just under 3000 citizens just to raise patriotism or other stupid reasons like that. Two of the most common variations on this theory have been dubbed MIHOP and LIHOP. The former stands for make it happen on purpose, the latter for let it happen on purpose. Let me get this out of the way, both are ridiculous. I can say with 100% certainty that US government did not have anything to do with the planning of 9/11. And I know what the theorists would say here...

"But Freebird, the towers blew up."

This is ridiculous. I'm not that smart and I'm still in school but even I can tell you that this is bull. This is just one of those times where there really isn't any point in arguing with them. Doing just a quick five second google search can tell you exactly how this happened and if you're not prepared to do the research then don't argue your point. Besides, I think that few people actually believe this. Most of the people who make up theories are probably just trying to make light of a very dark subject. They aren't being serious. As for those who are, they've made up their minds by now and they won't change them. Just another point not to argue.

As for the let it happen on purpose version, this makes a tiny bit more sense, simply because they're not saying that the government planned it. I'm not saying that it makes sense. It's still one of the dumbest things I've ever heard by far. It's just slightly less moronic compared to other versions. I just don't see any reason why anybody with half a brain, or George Bush, would've let this happen. The three most common reasons are to raise patriotism, to get more army recruits and to find an excuse to invade Iraq, all three of which are just plain stupid. There's a crapload of ways to raise patriotism, they wouldn't need army recruits if it wasn't for the terrorists and they invaded Iraq almost two years after 9/11. All are just stupid but lets look at some funnier ones.

"The government wanted to demolish the twin towers, but the citizens didn't so the crashed planes into them so terrorists would get blamed."

Wh-wh-what? Ok, I'll start with this. Why would the government want to demolish the World Trade Centre? Behind the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building they were the most well known buildings in America. In fact I was very young when 9/11 happened. They were probably at least more well known than the Empire State Building. Second, would they really kill three thousand people just to knock down a couple of buildings? Somehow I doubt they would. Thirdly, there was a third plane that crashed into the Pentagon? They definitely had no need to demolish that. And what about the fourth plane that crashed? As if the theory wasn't stupid enough already, it's full of logic holes.

"A drunk American pilot crashed into the WTC and terrorists took credit for it."

This one's so stupid it's hilarious. I doubt the guy who came up with this was taking himself seriously but I'll still "review" it. First of all I love how they said, "took credit for it." You know, like it was something the Americans should have been proud of. Those damn terrorists took all the credit. Also I must once again point out that there were three other planes involved.

Four drunk American pilots crashed into the WTC, the Pentagon and the ground and terrorists took credit for it."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and NO! How about you throw another no or two in there for good measure. Seriously, what's the point? Ok, I suppose I should give some sort of argument. Why would the terrorists have taken credit for the fourth plane. Wasn't that one a failure?

One last thing before we wrap up on 9/11. The many theories that involve number combinations adding up to 9 and 11 or 911. These are stupid. I don't really have to say anything about them except that someone watched The Number 23 or Knowing or any movie with that sort of idea once too many and decided they were some sort of numbers genius.

To sum up and get to the part of this review that is actually a review, 99% of 9/11 based conspiracy theories are crap. Most of them are stupid number combinations that are actually complete coincidences. The ones that aren't are also a load of crap. It astonishes me to think that people actually believe this shit. I'm running out of words for excrement now so I'll leave it at that.

Holocaust Denial and Hitler in a Jar

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Two theories about World War 2 here. One is that Hitler is still alive in some sort of way. These vary from being cryogenicly frozen to having his head in a jar to getting his brain transplanted into another Nazi's head. The other is that the holocaust never happened. I'll address the latter first. The people who deny the holocaust are fucking idiots. I can't believe I'm saying this but the Hitler's head in a jar theory makes more sense. Seriously, people are just going to ignore a piece of history because it wasn't very nice? I don't think I need to provide evidence as to why this one is wrong. I think the holocaust itself is evidence enough.

As for the second one, Hitler is not alive. Simple as that. There are many different versions of this and the way Hitler lived changes with every one. I'll start with the simple one. He just lived. A bit boring, but it makes more sense than any others. I don't really feel the need to provide evidence here even though I could probably find some if I looked hard enough. The reason for this is that even if Hitler had lived through World War 2 then he certainly wouldn't be alive now considering he would be 120 years old.

The main proof against the theory that Hitler didn't die however, is how he died. He committed suicide. To be more specific, he shot himself in the temple while biting into a cyanide capsule that he had sewn into his cheek. Wow. He must've been a fan of overkill. Actually, now that I think about it that's kind of obvious.

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Another version of this theory is that he had his brain preserved in a jar. This means that when technology had came far enough he would have his brain placed inside Nazi Jr's head to continue his reign of terror. Actually I don't have any proof that this didn't happen. Do I need any? It's ridiculous. Another variation of this rumour is that Hitler was frozen, to be awoken in the future. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work. A similar rumour also popped up about Walt Disney, owner of the most kid friendly company in the world and alleged Nazi. This is false for the same reason.

Then there's the people who believe that he had a toothbrush moustache to hide something. Yeah, cause nobody had that style of moustache back then. Besides, what would he hide behind a tiny thing like that. I've heard this one a few times but I've never seen anyone specify what they thought Hitler was hiding. Until now. Because when you search the internet enough you can find anything. Here's some answers to the question on everybody's mind.

1) A cock.

Of course. That would be the first one I found, wouldn't it? God, is it just me who thinks the world's gone completely insane. Not only that, but the comment got two replies. The first one said, "hes a dickhead lol." With that exact grammar. The second guy posted a picture of a dick with a toothbrush moustache for pubes. And it doesn't stop there. Both of these comments were met with a hurricane of epic wins and /threads. The internet is truly a scary place. Lets have a look at some of the other answers I found.

2) His ugly face.
3) A gun.
4) His mum's ugly face.
5) He's not hiding anything. He brushes his teeth with it.
6) A moustache, dumbass.

That last one doesn't even make sense. Ok, to be fair none of them make sense but really? He grew a moustache to hide his moustache. And not knowing this obvious fact makes me a dumbass. As for the rest, well, yeah. Do I need to say anything. Surprisingly, none of these facts were found on 4chan. Although these guys were probably members.

So, to sum up the various World War 2 based theories, they make no sense. In fact, they're some of the dumbest things I've ever read. However, most of these people are almost definitely kidding. At least I hope so. There's no way anyone would really believe these, right? RIGHT (caps-lock makes me cool)? And to the few people who really do believe crap like this, I've got a better theory. Hitler never happened and the holocaust is still alive. It makes perfect sense!

In conclusion, I get the feeling that most the people who make up these theories are kidding, and they can be funny sometimes. Most of them aren't however, and some people really are being serious about this. We like to call these people morons.

Courtney Killed Kurt

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No I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun...

Before I start this I need to get something out of the way. I want to state that I am a huge Nirvana fan. The reason I'm telling you this is that we have a reputation for taking things very seriously. Despite it happening over fifteen years ago we go crazy when someone makes a joke about Kurt's suicide. Yet we're fine with joking about things that killed many more people. I'm not one of these people. I love dark humour so that kind of thing is exactly what I find funny. Let me tell you a story. In school I share my class with a younger one (not toddler young, about twelve) who were told to make posters of their heroes. You saw all the usual ones. Their dad, The Dahlia Lama, Susan Boyle and Will Smith. Then there was one of Kurt Cobain. This one stood out from the rest because the person that made the poster drew a halo above his head. It got me thinking, why do fans idolize this guy? I loved his music but he was a drug addict and he had a hell of a lot of problems. I just don't get it. Of course it's not just Kurt. Why can't people enjoy something somebody creates without liking the person? Thank you for letting me get that off my chest, now on to the main attraction.

Barrel of laughs to be Nirvana, hope you'd rather die. Hole - Rock Star

Here's a question. Who do you think is more hated. Courtney Love or Yoko Ono? And who do you think deserves to be hated the most. While it's true that Yoko (for those who don't know she married John Lennon of The Beatles and some claim that she broke up the band) is certainly hated by a lot more people most Nirvana fans would argue that that's only because The Beatles were much bigger and that Courtney was hated a lot stronger, and I for one think that's true. I mentioned earlier that I'm not like most Nirvana fans but I still hate Courtney. Not because I think she killed Kurt or anything, just because... well I just hate her. There's just something about her. I mean, come on. Look at that picture and tell me you don't sort of hate her too. Even if you've never heard of her. Honestly, I'm surprised she's still alive. Lets face it, fans are crazy people. They hate it when their favourite celebrity is seeing anyone other than them, and they will kill. But here's another question. What did Courtney ever do? Aside from making everyone on the planet want to hate her, without knowing why. Well, apparently she murdered Kurt. But why would she? And why do we hate her? Stay tuned to find out.

Previously on Freebird Reviews...

Where was I? Oh yeah. Courtney Love, why do we hate her? Well I can guess why women would hate her. In the nineties Kurt Cobain was the poster boy for sweaty, greasy, hairy and apparently sexy guys. Women (and some men) didn't like seeing anyone else with him. But why does the average man hate her? It's not because she allegedly killed Kurt. We hated her long before that. No, we hated her because she got Kurt addicted to heroin, made a lot of career choices for him and cheated on him. Many people see this as a reason why she would kill him. I see it as more of a reason for Kurt to kill Courtney.

The quote above that flattering picture of Courtney is from Rock Star, a song by Hole (Courtney's band). The song was on an album released just a few days after Kurt's death. Many people think this means that Courtney didn't care that Kurt died. However, this song was written, recorded and produced long before the incident. It still sounds pretty bad though and I don't know what the actual line is meant to mean.

Now, I'm trying to prove a point here so lets look at some evidence. Specifically, the suicide note.

One line that I think proves my point is this, "I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition." Wow, he must've hated that bitch. Ok, to be fair this shows that he loved her but not that she loved him. One piece of "evidence" that people like to use is that the note is badly written and has scribbling all over it. Yeah, because when you're about to blow a hole through your head you're going to write perfectly. As for the scribbles, most people say that this means that Courtney tampered with the note, therefore killed Kurt. Think about that. Kurt wrote a suicide note which is "proof" that he was murdered. Surely everyone can see that bad logic in that.

The main piece of evidence is the angle at which he was shot, which proves that he killed himself. Some more sane theorists claim that Courtney drove Kurt to suicide, whether on purpose or by accident, with all her cheating. I'm actually not going to argue with this because, although I don't believe it, it does make sense. I still think suicide was the most likely possibility. The man was a drug addict and was obviously unstable.

To sum up, this makes more sense that most theories but is still mostly nonsense. All it is is fans looking for a reason to hate somebody.

Conclusion

I actually really like conspiracy theories. Most of them are crazy but that's what makes them great. They can be fascinating whether they make the slightest bit of sense or not. In fact, it's hard to decide which is better. Even though they're ridiculous, I even love number based theories. It's great to see someone ramble on for ages just to end with, "and all these numbers add up to 911." As usual, comments and criticism are more than welcome.

Did you like this review? Let me know if you'd like to see another one and if so, what theories would you like me to talk about?

Huh, I think that those theories make ALOT of sense and I intend to tell everyone about this.

/sarcasm

WHAT?! CONSPIRACY THEORIES ROCK!!! NUBCAKE!!!!!

keybird:

/sarcasm

I just crashed into your wall of text like a drunk airplane pilot, but it's ok, Osama's on the phone and he says that it his bad, so I won't take the wrap for this one.

My brother has gotten into the habit of quoting Kurt, he gets mad when I point out the absurdity of taking philosophical advice from a dude who blew his head off.

The reviews were good though.

Wow, someone has done their homework.

ma55ter_fett:
I just crashed into your wall of text like a drunk airplane pilot, but it's ok, Osama's on the phone and he says that it his bad, so I won't take the wrap for this one.

My brother has gotten into the habit of quoting Kurt, he gets mad when I point out the absurdity of taking philosophical advice from a dude who blew his head off.

The reviews were good though.

Sorry I just have to say that the first part of this is pure ingenious LOL.

I actually believe Courtney killed Kurt.

I was told Kurt was shot twice in the face.

I'm not saying I believe the consipiracy, but I would like to hear your rebuttal.

This reminds me of my own not-so-recent conspiracy theory. Supposedly, the French Templars had access to a wide information network that covered most of Europe, as well as vast amounts of wealth and power. Conspiracy theorists believe that they could've held a coup and took control over Europe, but were forcibly disbanded (read: slaughtered) by the Papacy due to their overwhelming power. Theorists believe it was an inside job and that they couln't have really been defeated, but here's my response:

"They're French."

OT: It's a solid article, but it seems more like a rant than a review. You did tend to drag on in spots in the review, so your pacing is a little inconsistent. You're also not citing sources for your evidence; while I'm not saying you need to go to this level for an article on The Escapist, it turns into little more than arguing opinions with "common sense," whatever the hell that is. Your arguments could be strengthened by providing the means as to how you've arrived to your conclusions.

That was a solid rant. And I am thankfully now on my medication. Seriously, good work.

Pimppeter2:
That was a solid rant. And I am thankfully now on my medication. Seriously, good work.

Pimps don't need meds!
BTW solid article

Julianking93:
I actually believe Courtney killed Kurt.

Compared to most theories it's pretty sane and there's a fair bit of evidence supporting it. Personally I think that Courtney didn't kill him directly but by cheating on him and getting him hooked on heroin she may have driven him to suicide.

ReallyStupidIdiot:
I was told Kurt was shot twice in the face.

I'm not saying I believe the consipiracy, but I would like to hear your rebuttal.

I haven't heard this before. If true then I think the most likely possibility was that the first gunshot wasn't fatal or at least took to long to kill him. If you shot yourself in the cheek you'd probably want to shoot yourself again to speed things up.

Pimppeter2:
That was a solid rant. And I am thankfully now on my medication. Seriously, good work.

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Rainboq:

Pimppeter2:
That was a solid rant. And I am thankfully now on my medication. Seriously, good work.

Pimps don't need meds!
BTW solid article

Yeah. They just slap them hos with their pimp canes. I really shouldn't talk like that. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Freebird.:

Julianking93:
I actually believe Courtney killed Kurt.

Compared to most theories it's pretty sane and there's a fair bit of evidence supporting it. Personally I think that Courtney didn't kill him directly but by cheating on him and getting him hooked on heroin she may have driven him to suicide.

That is possible.

I just remember seeing this site that the detective who worked on the case when Cobain was reported missing documented his case and showed lots of evidence pointing towards homicide rather than suicide.

I may start sounding like a conspiracy nut if I start talking about it anymore

Julianking93:

Freebird.:

Julianking93:
I actually believe Courtney killed Kurt.

Compared to most theories it's pretty sane and there's a fair bit of evidence supporting it. Personally I think that Courtney didn't kill him directly but by cheating on him and getting him hooked on heroin she may have driven him to suicide.

That is possible.

I just remember seeing this site that the detective who worked on the case when Cobain was reported missing documented his case and showed lots of evidence pointing towards homicide rather than suicide.

I may start sounding like a conspiracy nut if I start talking about it anymore

Not at all. I'm pretty open to theories most of the time and like I said this is a pretty solid one compared to most others.

Quite a a lot of people have written stuff about Kurt's death and there's some pretty interesting stuff out there. Tom Grant (the detective you mentioned before) is just one example.

Freebird.:

Julianking93:

Freebird.:

Julianking93:
I actually believe Courtney killed Kurt.

Compared to most theories it's pretty sane and there's a fair bit of evidence supporting it. Personally I think that Courtney didn't kill him directly but by cheating on him and getting him hooked on heroin she may have driven him to suicide.

That is possible.

I just remember seeing this site that the detective who worked on the case when Cobain was reported missing documented his case and showed lots of evidence pointing towards homicide rather than suicide.

I may start sounding like a conspiracy nut if I start talking about it anymore

Not at all. I'm pretty open to theories most of the time and like I said this is a pretty solid one compared to most others.

Quite a a lot of people have written stuff about Kurt's death and there's some pretty interesting stuff out there. Tom Grant (the detective you mentioned before) is just one example.

One thing I do specifically remember from the case was that a friend of Kurt's said he knew what really happened to him and that he would tell the detective when they met up again. The next night, he was hit by a train.

Pretty weird shit.

Julianking93:
*Snip*

One thing I do specifically remember from the case was that a friend of Kurt's said he knew what really happened to him and that he would tell the detective when they met up again. The next night, he was hit by a train.

Pretty weird shit.

That is weird. It's most likely a coincidence but you never know.

 

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