Miracle's Whip - Gamer

Miracle's Whip - Gamer

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We gamers get a raw deal when it comes to movies. Our medium has time and time again shown us that its stories and concepts work better as an interactive media than as half-assed film adaptations. Doom, Mario, Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter... movies relating to games are usually far from masterpieces. Unfortunately this wretched mess is no exception.

Story

Gerard Butler plays a falsely imprisoned death row inmate who is forced to partake in a real life video game, where cons are controlled through chips in their heads by gamers in the outside world. He has achieved celebrity status for his superior combat skills and only has three games to go before he earns his freedom... it's as if they tried to gather every crappy action cliche imaginable and compact it all into one giant colon which then shat out this incoherent, stinking turd of a movie.

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You'll recognise this guy. He's the protagonist in Army of Gears of Warfare

Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor also directed Crank, which was kind of lovable in its manic, tongue in cheek craziness. Not so here, it's all serious po-faced heroes, pantomine villains without a hint of irony and editing that leaves the viewer exhausted, confused and ultimately apathetic.

Michael C Hall of Dexter fame plays the least credible lunatic super-villain this side of Albert Wesker. It's a horrible performance made all the more cringe inducing by the knowledge of what great acting the man is capable of in a proper role.

The 'gamers' in the movie pander to the ignorant, one-dimensional stereotypes people tend to have of us. One is a grossly obese, sweating pig, getting his jollies from controlling hot female avatars in a real world MMO, while Butler's gamer is a typical spoiled, obnoxious teenager, spouting XBOX Live style homophobic braggadocio and making his avatar teabag fallen victims.

The rest of the story is not worth talking about, as quite frankly, Pong has a better plot.

Presentation

One word: Migraine. The movie resembles six million low budget music videos mashed up together through a broken strobe light. Frenetic cuts, shaky camera and OTT violence are the order of the day here. You would think this would be a good mix, but it ends up like visual torture.

It starts out well, with a Gears of War style over-the-shoulder sequence in which Butler shoots his way through a war-zone, but the manic, relentless cinematography soon falls flat on its face and has an epileptic seizure on the floor, to the point where you will want to look away in sheer embarrassment for Butler as he does his best to retain some form of credibility in the whole turgid mess. Of course, that's only on the rare occasion when the camera actually focuses on his face for more than a nano second.

It's a truly ugly movie. Exaggerated colour palettes, stupidly high contrasts and eye-rapingly bright flashing lights constantly assault your eyes, to the point where I had to pause the film for a break. I've never been so happy to see a 'Game Over' screen.

Costume design is utterly hideous too.

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It was a bad year for Jean Paul Gaultier on the Paris catwalks

The sound is as you would expect. Explosions and gunfire are great, but even gamers need a break sometimes. Second rate metal riffs are punctuated by long keraaaaaaaangs every time something 'awesome' happens or someone delivers a shitty one liner.

Overall Opinion:

It's a curious thing: It took a movie about gaming to make me realise that our beloved medium has gotten to a point where its depth, storytelling and emotive capabilities are not only matching cinema, but in some cases utterly surpassing it.

Verdict:

Avoid like you would a lobby full of glitchers.

Other Miracle's Whip reviews:

Bioshock 2
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.175856-Miracles-Whip-Bioshock-2#5002435

Batman: Arkham Asylum
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.180125-Miracles-Whip-Batman-Arkham-Asylum#5273691

Who actually thought this movie would be good?

Seriously?

Julianking93:
Who actually thought this movie would be good?

Seriously?

Not me. But I had no idea it would be this bad.

Heh heh! I loved this review. I was laughing throughout. I might even go so far to say the movie was worth being made just to have you watch it and write this.

It sounds like it would make a good MST3K riffing, or I guess I should say it should get RiffTrax treatment.

I'm honestly shocked Micheal C. Hall is in this. In 2009? Really? I wonder how much they paid him. Or maybe he lost a bet. Maybe it looked better on paper. I'm just confused. I mean, this is Dexter we're talking about.

Oddly, your review makes me want to watch Running Man again. I'm not quite sure why.

Hey friend, your writing seems to be progressing to a more stellar stage. I'd love for you to throw your hat as a writer in the REVIEW WARS. Check the thread (on the review section) for details.

Pimppeter2:
Hey friend, your writing seems to be progressing to a more stellar stage. I'd love for you to throw your hat as a writer in the REVIEW WARS. Check the thread (on the review section) for details.

Thanks bud :)

I'm not sure if I want to be competitive though... I like to write for fun, y'know?

But I shall definately have a wander over and check out the rules and see if I'd fit in!

meganmeave:
Heh heh! I loved this review. I was laughing throughout. I might even go so far to say the movie was worth being made just to have you watch it and write this.

I'm glad my suffering brought some joy into the world :D

Not a bad review, but short. But yeah, my reviews are as long as the Koran, so don't pay attention to me.

And I've avoided this movie like the plague because it has the guy from 300 in it. And if he can deliver a performance, then I can piss my name in the snow in arabic. And that's not likely to happen. It never snows down here.

madbird-valiant:
Not a bad review, but short. But yeah, my reviews are as long as the Koran, so don't pay attention to me.

And I've avoided this movie like the plague because it has the guy from 300 in it. And if he can deliver a performance, then I can piss my name in the snow in arabic. And that's not likely to happen. It never snows down here.

Thanks man. Yeah it's a bit short, I'm a little paranoid about making my reviews too long in case people get bored... my others were a bit longer than this though! I usually write longer reviews when I have nice things to say about the subject.

MiracleOfSound:

meganmeave:
Heh heh! I loved this review. I was laughing throughout. I might even go so far to say the movie was worth being made just to have you watch it and write this.

I'm glad my suffering brought some joy into the world :D

Yes. And now I demand you review Super Mario Bros. the movie. Just to make me laugh some more. See how sadistic I can be?

Of course, now I hope I haven't offended anybody who likes that movie...

meganmeave:

MiracleOfSound:

meganmeave:
Heh heh! I loved this review. I was laughing throughout. I might even go so far to say the movie was worth being made just to have you watch it and write this.

I'm glad my suffering brought some joy into the world :D

Yes. And now I demand you review Super Mario Bros. the movie. Just to make me laugh some more. See how sadistic I can be?

Of course, now I hope I haven't offended anybody who likes that movie...

I think that movie actually made me cry when I was little. How could they make Mario so... shit?

MiracleOfSound:

meganmeave:

MiracleOfSound:

meganmeave:
Heh heh! I loved this review. I was laughing throughout. I might even go so far to say the movie was worth being made just to have you watch it and write this.

I'm glad my suffering brought some joy into the world :D

Yes. And now I demand you review Super Mario Bros. the movie. Just to make me laugh some more. See how sadistic I can be?

Of course, now I hope I haven't offended anybody who likes that movie...

I think that movie actually made me cry when I was little. How could they make Mario so... shit?

I don't know, but it was a pretty spectacular failure. One for the books.

And shame on Dennis Hopper. The man should have known better.

meganmeave:

MiracleOfSound:

meganmeave:

MiracleOfSound:

meganmeave:
Heh heh! I loved this review. I was laughing throughout. I might even go so far to say the movie was worth being made just to have you watch it and write this.

I'm glad my suffering brought some joy into the world :D

Yes. And now I demand you review Super Mario Bros. the movie. Just to make me laugh some more. See how sadistic I can be?

Of course, now I hope I haven't offended anybody who likes that movie...

I think that movie actually made me cry when I was little. How could they make Mario so... shit?

I don't know, but it was a pretty spectacular failure. One for the books.

And shame on Dennis Hopper. The man should have known better.

They should show it in schools as a warning against what can happen when you do too many drugs.

'Now kids, Dennis Hopper was in Apocalypse Now... but look how he ended up.'

It's amazing really, Gerard Butler is one of those astounding actors who has access to almost every single layer of 'bland' there is.

Grizzled marine? Stereotyped Irish fellow? Spartan who shouts a lot? Dodgy Rom-com protagonist?

It's all there!

A-very good review monsieur, nice and readable, and very hilariously bitter at times.

I really hope they don't think this film deserves a sequel.

Dear Lord... I was planning to see it on one of those nights where I'm in the mood for a brainless popcorn action movie, but it appears even then I'd just be sticking my head in a metaphorical bucket of sulfuric acid. I suppose I'll steer clear of it now.

Your wording's getting better with every review, especially regarding the humor. This one got a few good chuckles out of me, which is the highest form of mirth I can muster at the ungodly hour of 11am. Keep it up, friend!

Poo, I was looking forward to watching this, but not anymore..... :'-(
Ho hum, back to the Disney Channel :-)

Furburt:
It's amazing really, Gerard Butler is one of those astounding actors who has access to almost every single layer of 'bland' there is.

Grizzled marine? Stereotyped Irish fellow? Spartan who shouts a lot? Dodgy Rom-com protagonist?

It's all there!

A-very good review monsieur, nice and readable, and very hilariously bitter at times.

I really hope they don't think this film deserves a sequel.

I liked him in 300, but he seems to be wasted in a lot of the other movies. This was a particular low point!

Sonicron:
Dear Lord... I was planning to see it on one of those nights where I'm in the mood for a brainless popcorn action movie, but it appears even then I'd just be sticking my head in a metaphorical bucket of sulfuric acid. I suppose I'll steer clear of it now.

Your wording's getting better with every review, especially regarding the humor. This one got a few good chuckles out of me, which is the highest form of mirth I can muster at the ungodly hour of 11am. Keep it up, friend!

Thanks man, great compliment :) It's hard to throw in humour without going into Yahtzee territory but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

Jenova65:
Poo, I was looking forward to watching this, but not anymore..... :'-(
Ho hum, back to the Disney Channel :-)

I saved you a lot of pain, believe me!

Ha, well I know one movie I don't plan on getting. Funny review, but it did feel a little biased because of the rant.

feather240:
Ha, well I know one movie I don't plan on getting. Funny review, but it did feel a little biased because of the rant.

I thought I was going pretty easy on it :D

MiracleOfSound:

Furburt:
It's amazing really, Gerard Butler is one of those astounding actors who has access to almost every single layer of 'bland' there is.

Grizzled marine? Stereotyped Irish fellow? Spartan who shouts a lot? Dodgy Rom-com protagonist?

It's all there!

A-very good review monsieur, nice and readable, and very hilariously bitter at times.

I really hope they don't think this film deserves a sequel.

I liked him in 300, but he seems to be wasted in a lot of the other movies. This was a particular low point!

Sonicron:
Dear Lord... I was planning to see it on one of those nights where I'm in the mood for a brainless popcorn action movie, but it appears even then I'd just be sticking my head in a metaphorical bucket of sulfuric acid. I suppose I'll steer clear of it now.

Your wording's getting better with every review, especially regarding the humor. This one got a few good chuckles out of me, which is the highest form of mirth I can muster at the ungodly hour of 11am. Keep it up, friend!

Thanks man, great compliment :) It's hard to throw in humour without going into Yahtzee territory but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

Jenova65:
Poo, I was looking forward to watching this, but not anymore..... :'-(
Ho hum, back to the Disney Channel :-)

I saved you a lot of pain, believe me!

Lol, not really, I will still have to watch it, it is expected of me!

Very nice review, man.
I remember watching this in the cinema (Yay mate who pays for pretty much everything. Yeah, I'm a moocher so...) and just thinking "Wow...glad I didn't pay 5.70 for this."

But I will say it was a good movie for however long it was, can't actually remember how long it was. Or the plot. Or the names of any of the characters in it. Or indeed where it was set. All I remember is the tea-bagging joke at the start. Anyway, I liked this movie due to the fact it made me disengage my brain and just go 'Ohhhh!' at explosions. And the fact it is totally forgettable, apart from the tea-bag thing. What does it say about the movie if all I can remember is one joke which isn't actually that funny?

Good work and I look forward to reading more of your reviews.

I didn't think it would be great, but it sounds utterly shite.

I won't want to see this.

A good review.

Sassafrass:
Very nice review, man.
I remember watching this in the cinema (Yay mate who pays for pretty much everything. Yeah, I'm a moocher so...) and just thinking "Wow...glad I didn't pay 5.70 for this."

But I will say it was a good movie for however long it was, can't actually remember how long it was. Or the plot. Or the names of any of the characters in it. Or indeed where it was set. All I remember is the tea-bagging joke at the start. Anyway, I liked this movie due to the fact it made me disengage my brain and just go 'Ohhhh!' at explosions. And the fact it is totally forgettable, apart from the tea-bag thing. What does it say about the movie if all I can remember is one joke which isn't actually that funny?

Good work and I look forward to reading more of your reviews.

Thanks a mil man :)

Yeah, the teabagging joke was one of the few things that actually made me go 'huh' in the movie too. The rest was just flashing lights pounding of my senses...

Nice review, the movie really is not worth paying any money to see.

However, since I did not pay to watch the movie and saw it with every intention of probably being the worst movie of all time I actually ended up having some fun watching it. I guess if you go into it expecting the absolute worst you can only be proven right or pleasantly surprised.

I went to see the film, And i was filled with "Wait..Who the feck was that?" moments.

And whats with the fat guy?!? Honestly...We gamers dont all look like that! Only Souplex.

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Loved the review though - Its a good thing you have your shameless plugs links on your other reviews!

I was heartbroken when I found out Michael C. Hall was in this. Surely there must be better movies for him to be in.

superbatranger:
I was heartbroken when I found out Michael C. Hall was in this. Surely there must be better movies for him to be in.

I was just kind of surprised... the fact that he was in it was enough to make me think it would be good.

But no, as Ari Gold once said about Vinne in Medellin... It's awful and he's awful in it.

MiracleOfSound:

image

You'll recognise this guy. He's the protagonist in Army of Gears of Warfare

That made me laugh! XD

I hate to say I was thoroughly entertained by this movie. What can I say, it's just about the perfect distillation of everything that is wrong with videogames, presented in a way that is almost some sort of macro performance in of itself.

I can't be the only one who thought that this is the exact movie a bunch of 14 year old MW2 players would make, thinking they're hardcore. The whole thing is pretty much an overtly self conscious parody of... everything.

 

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