I'm Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today! - A Clerks. Alternate Ending Review

WARNING: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN CLERKS., PLEASE GO DO SO NOW.

ALSO: IF YOU HAVE SEEN CLERKS., AND LOVE IT, THIS MAY SCAR AND/OR CURSE YOU FOREVER.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Ok, so here we are. My third review. I figured since I've done a regular game (RDR) and a downloadable game (Castlevania HD), it's time to rock some movie face!

But I didn't want to review a whole film, as that requires effort and time, and I'm kinda short on those. My pockets are mostly filled with lint and delicious crab legs. Time and effort? Not so much...

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A tasty, on-the-go snack. Lunchables can suck it.

So, I've brought you here, back to the Quick Stop. You've probably been here a hundred times, buying a pack of smokes, or arguing with Randall about the construction ethics of the Death Star. You've more than likely retrieved lost roof-hockey pucks alongside Snowball, and even spotted Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's future ghosts prowling out back by the dumpsters.

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These men are not homosexuals.

But did you ever stay after closing? No?

Probably a good thing. Bad things happen after closing. Horrible things. Things that curse you and cannot ever be unseen.

So, if you've got the cajones, or you share my lemming-like self-destructive impulses, click play below, and never be the same.

That's right. Dante is fucking dead. And here's my review of this alternate ending;

It is the devil, and has now stolen your soul as well.

And I guess, much like that time the officer found me hiding in the bushes outside a Blockbuster, naked except for a peanut butter g-string, with a bucket of fish, ... I should explain.

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Officer 1:"What the f-.... are these crab legs in your pocket, sir?"
Officer 2:"GENIUS!"

I first stumbled upon (before that was a thing) this alternate ending during the Paleolithic Internet Era (circa. 1998). I was a fan* of the movie and was at a friend's house when he called me over to his computer. After the harpy-like, sacrificed baby screeches that came from his modem finished, he was cruising the information superhighway at a totally rad 56k. He pulled up this video, showed it to me... and I was cursed.

Not only did this clip drop my jaw and make me question the universe itself...

...but it literally cursed me. Following the viewing, I...

1. Was broken up with, by my girlfriend at the time, by way of her sleeping with a friend of mine at a party... that I was at.
2. Sobbed like a man as my car's motor blew the next day on the way to a stop on the Summer Sanitarium tour. I only made it in time to catch Metallica telling me that they loved me and that they'd see me next year.
3. Had not one, not 2, but 3 of my pets die, in the week after I watched it. Oh, and my G-ma, too, I think.

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"Remember, child... crab legs... go in the pocketses.", my gramma would often say... to strangers... in their houses.

The clip itself, despite trying to kill my soul, was cut from the movie for a reason. Not only does it ruin any chances for Dante being in Clerks. II, but it could have totally changed the way the movie was perceived. It would have went from a light-hearted, realistic romp about a day in the life of two friends who struggle with becoming adults, into a sad, cautionary tale about doing what you can before you can't make the decisions anymore because life has a nasty habit of GAME OVERing your ass in an instant, seemingly at random.

I'm so glad Smith decided to cut this, and I'm pleased he went the fun and light way he did, or I don't think we would have gotten any other great movies from him, like Dogma or Chasing Amy or Mallrats. Or we might have, just with people dying in it, I guess. /shrugs

Also, you didn't notice, but Paleolithic Internet Era is abbreviated as P.I.E.

Anyways, that's my review of the Alternate Ending to Clerks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to wrangle my way to the store and pick up a pack of smokes and some more crab legs.

*by fan, I mean, of course, I have rubbed my ten year anniversary collectors edition of the movie against my naked crotch. More than once. Pretty much daily, in fact.

BAMP for teh funny. I mean, come on guys, letting comedy gold like this go to waste is worse than leaving your crablegs at home.

Seriously.. Loved that ending 1000 times more than the actual ending. The fact that it negates Clerks II out of existence is a total bonus.

I wont go deep into it cause its about time for me to crash, but just simply say, it fits the story so much better.

viranimus:
Seriously.. Loved that ending 1000 times more than the actual ending. The fact that it negates Clerks II out of existence is a total bonus.

I wont go deep into it cause its about time for me to crash, but just simply say, it fits the story so much better.

I can see where you'd get that idea... but it's horribly, horribly wrong.

Also, I won't go much deeper into it here, but Clerks. II was the perfect ending.

I'm glad he cut that part because having no Dante means there's absolutely nothing to counteract Randall's outlandish and sometimes deathly tendencies.

Did people not know about this? The "Dante Dead" ending was shown at Sundance because according to Smith "Every Sundance movie ends with the main character dead." The alt-ending was included on the original lazer disc, and on every later DVD release of the movie. It was a joke only relevant at Sundance, which is why that was the only "official" screening of it.

Kyrian007:
Did people not know about this? The "Dante Dead" ending was shown at Sundance because according to Smith "Every Sundance movie ends with the main character dead." The alt-ending was included on the original lazer disc, and on every later DVD release of the movie. It was a joke only relevant at Sundance, which is why that was the only "official" screening of it.

I had no idea about it, but maybe that's because I've only ever watched the VHS. I own the 10th Anniversary Edition on DVD, but it's just a collectible and has never been opened. Sure, rubbed on the crotch daily, but never opened.

Also, who ever owned a laser-disc? Short answer; nobody.

I loved Clerks so much I seriously went out and got a part time job at a convenience store after seeing it. I'm just glad I didn't see the alternate ending until after I had stopped working there since I always worked the 10pm-8am shift, which meant it was just me there.

I even used a few of the tricks from the movie like scattering some change on the counter for the people who came for coffee at 4 in the morning while I did my cleaning/girl who liked to go in the cooler for well, let's just say I wasn't doing her nails.

But yeah, that ending didn't fit the tone of the movie at all, but I can see how it would work making it more realistic (in a way). Still, Dante is too likable to see him end up dead. Unless of course it was all a plot by Leonardo Leonardo to finally get his well played revenge on the Clerks.

RowdyRodimus:
I loved Clerks so much I seriously went out and got a part time job at a convenience store after seeing it. I'm just glad I didn't see the alternate ending until after I had stopped working there since I always worked the 10pm-8am shift, which meant it was just me there.

I even used a few of the tricks from the movie like scattering some change on the counter for the people who came for coffee at 4 in the morning while I did my cleaning/girl who liked to go in the cooler for well, let's just say I wasn't doing her nails.

But yeah, that ending didn't fit the tone of the movie at all, but I can see how it would work making it more realistic (in a way). Still, Dante is too likable to see him end up dead. Unless of course it was all a plot by Leonardo Leonardo to finally get his well played revenge on the Clerks.

We're of a hivemind, it seems, as I too procured a job in convenience sales post viewing.

And yeah, it was the late shift. But luckily, I quit that job about a year before I saw this, thank Crom, or else I would have lost my shit every time someone I didn't recognize from the neighborhood came in.

Also, I'm glad it was (apparently) a joke and not meant to be part of the movie proper. I knew something was wrong with it when I first saw it. It just didn't fit the tone, like you said.

Snoogans.

EDIT: Oh, yeah, no one's mentioned my review itself yet. Was it good? Funny? Adorable? It's adorable, right? Excellent. I'll just go ahead and mark "Adorable" on the card. No, no, it's cool. I heard you the first time, when you said it was adorable.

Kyrian007:
Did people not know about this? The "Dante Dead" ending was shown at Sundance because according to Smith "Every Sundance movie ends with the main character dead." The alt-ending was included on the original lazer disc, and on every later DVD release of the movie. It was a joke only relevant at Sundance, which is why that was the only "official" screening of it.

Really? I heard Kevin Smith saying that he couldn't figure out how to end the film, so he just went with that very generic ending before the producer (I think) said it was a lazy way to end the film and that he should change it.

Hmm. Maybe I heard wrong.

OP: I laughed more reading this than any other review on this site. Congratulations.

I much prefer the original myself. I mean, Clerks II wasn't horrible, exactly, and the Lord of the Rings bit cracks me up every time, so I wouldn't settle for the lesser of the two Clerks endings just to wipe it out of existing.

This review is pretty damn good. I want moar!

Furburt:

Kyrian007:
Did people not know about this? The "Dante Dead" ending was shown at Sundance because according to Smith "Every Sundance movie ends with the main character dead." The alt-ending was included on the original lazer disc, and on every later DVD release of the movie. It was a joke only relevant at Sundance, which is why that was the only "official" screening of it.

Really? I heard Kevin Smith saying that he couldn't figure out how to end the film, so he just went with that very generic ending before the producer (I think) said it was a lazy way to end the film and that he should change it.

Hmm. Maybe I heard wrong.

OP: I laughed more reading this than any other review on this site. Congratulations.

I much prefer the original myself. I mean, Clerks II wasn't horrible, exactly, and the Lord of the Rings bit cracks me up every time, so I wouldn't settle for the lesser of the two Clerks endings just to wipe it out of existing.

JonnoStrife:
This review is pretty damn good. I want moar!

Awwww.... you guys... You say such nice things.

But you still can't have any of my crablegs.

Also, if'n you're interested, I have another review up here.

Oh, and yeah, that bit about the ending you said (I'm, far too lazy to hit quote again or go through all that cut & paste mishagosh), reminded me that I'd heard the same thing somewhere before. Way to shake some cobwebs loose.

You may have a crableg after all.

Furburt:

Kyrian007:
Did people not know about this? The "Dante Dead" ending was shown at Sundance because according to Smith "Every Sundance movie ends with the main character dead." The alt-ending was included on the original lazer disc, and on every later DVD release of the movie. It was a joke only relevant at Sundance, which is why that was the only "official" screening of it.

Really? I heard Kevin Smith saying that he couldn't figure out how to end the film, so he just went with that very generic ending before the producer (I think) said it was a lazy way to end the film and that he should change it.

Hmm. Maybe I heard wrong.

OP: I laughed more reading this than any other review on this site. Congratulations.

I much prefer the original myself. I mean, Clerks II wasn't horrible, exactly, and the Lord of the Rings bit cracks me up every time, so I wouldn't settle for the lesser of the two Clerks endings just to wipe it out of existing.

Well I heard him tell it that way, but who knows. He could have just been "telling a story." Or embellishing it to make it funny or something. I like Clerks 2 as well. I never really got the fanboy rage (it's in color, so somehow he's a "sellout.") Whatever, it made me laugh and that's good enough. But what I don't get is how the "dead" ending is somehow incompatible with a sequel. Sure if he's dead it can't happen, but he just got shot. The ending never actually specifies that he is dead.

Kyrian007:

Furburt:

Kyrian007:
Did people not know about this? The "Dante Dead" ending was shown at Sundance because according to Smith "Every Sundance movie ends with the main character dead." The alt-ending was included on the original lazer disc, and on every later DVD release of the movie. It was a joke only relevant at Sundance, which is why that was the only "official" screening of it.

Really? I heard Kevin Smith saying that he couldn't figure out how to end the film, so he just went with that very generic ending before the producer (I think) said it was a lazy way to end the film and that he should change it.

Hmm. Maybe I heard wrong.

OP: I laughed more reading this than any other review on this site. Congratulations.

I much prefer the original myself. I mean, Clerks II wasn't horrible, exactly, and the Lord of the Rings bit cracks me up every time, so I wouldn't settle for the lesser of the two Clerks endings just to wipe it out of existing.

Well I heard him tell it that way, but who knows. He could have just been "telling a story." Or embellishing it to make it funny or something. I like Clerks 2 as well. I never really got the fanboy rage (it's in color, so somehow he's a "sellout.") Whatever, it made me laugh and that's good enough. But what I don't get is how the "dead" ending is somehow incompatible with a sequel. Sure if he's dead it can't happen, but he just got shot. The ending never actually specifies that he is dead.

Well, his glazed over open, motionless eyes gave me a feeling he was at least 99% dead.

Though I agree with you about Clerks. II. Having a budget over 17,000 entitles you to color, if you want, I say. The movie isn't about the color, it's about the characters, the dialogue and story. All of which were wrapped up nicely by the sequel, I think. The jail scene was particularly heartwarming.

I share your disdain for that ending as well. As do everyone I know and even the good people at The AV Club. I saw it on my Clerks. Snowball Edition DVD and have wanted to brain-bleach it since. Maybe not as badly as you because I wasn't cursed but bleached nonetheless. Great review. Loved the crab legs bit. And the Metallica bit. And the part where you talked about Clerks., that was good too.

Great review, I really love your style. Keep it up! Yeah, I'd be pretty shocked if I saw that at the end. It's pretty much a "What the fuck?!" after the rest of the film...

 

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