One of the following sentences will be central to this review. Feel free to ponder which it could be as you read them- for extra points, try and spot the common theme which links each sentence:
i)Let them eat cake. ii)You can't have your cake and eat it. iii)The cake is a lie.
Easy, wasn't it? Too easy, for a person as intelligent and handsome as you. The common theme is that each sentence was preceded by a Roman numeral in brackets (as the author I can promise that any other similarity was wholly coincidental).
Take another glance at sentence ii). It is, depressingly enough, a truism in life that you can't have it both ways, whatever those ways may be. You can't skive off school because you forgot to do your homework; you can't have a lightsaber, because they're only for Jedi's, and APPARENTLY they're not 'real'. And obviously, you can't jump off a skyscraper, fire a heat seeking missile launcher at a car full of mafia goons, land on a truck, pick it up and throw it at some innocent bystanders who you've developed an irrational but irresistible dislike to because...what?...I CAN do the last one? Awesome. Don't suppose there's any chance of getting me a lightsaber as well? No? How about 'instead of'? Still no? Alright, alright. Better than a kick in the balls though...speaking of which...
'Better than a kick in the balls' sums up the reaction of many people who bought Crackdown. Expectations were not high: for many it was a free bonus game they got after shelling out £40 for access to the Halo 3 beta, kind of an inverted Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved. But you know what? Crackdown's brilliant. It's abso-cocking-lutely mental, and it doesn't care who knows it. Ironic, perhaps, that it was packaged with the Halo 3 Multiplayer beta- Crackdown offers maybe ten hours of fun, but not much more: Halo 3 Multiplayer will be played until the Horsemen of the Apocalypse decide to make an entrance, the sun goes supernova, or Halo 4 comes out (maybe they'll all happen at once- that's gonna be one hell of a weekend: 'wait a sec, Pestilence, need to finish this Capture the Flag...woah, could you dim the lights in here? Can't see the screen...')
Crackdown hits you like...well, a bit like that kick in the balls someone mentioned earlier. You select an angry looking avatar (possibly bald: most definitely angry). Strong but silent type- think Gordon Freeman spliced with freerunning on LSD. You proceed to wander around a big ol' cartoon metropolis, happily murdering ethnic stereotypes until the game tells you the plot is over. But what a stunningly realised metropolis! It evokes a special type of joy medical experts call 'Jet Set Radio Future Super Happy Time'. The most superficial likeness is the cel-shaded beauty of both games, but a common structural trait is you can be sure that, if you can see somewhere, you can go there. Things start diverging when you consider that in JSRF there are certain semi-sensible limits about what can be done: you can do precisely what a cel-shaded, weirdly attired, ambiguously gendered skater ought to be able to do, within the logic of the game. But Crackdown, Crackdown turns the speaker up to 11...then throws the speaker through a wall and then lobs a grenade through the hole in the wall and then shoots whatever is left with a machine gun.
Like my mother always told me, view distances are important. On a practical level a good draw distance will let you whip out a sniper rifle and forcibly implement a cessation in some unlucky twits respiration from four miles away. But like a wrestler who dabbles in flower arranging, Crackdown has a surprising understanding of the importance of aesthetics. It allows- actually, it encourages- you to climb up to the top of a skyscraper, leaping from the ground, 25 feet in the air, grabbing onto a windowsill by your finger tips and hauling yourself up the side of the building (surprisingly nimble for such a big guy) for little better reason than to see the view. And the view distance is such that you can look in a direction and just see everything there is to be seen. As a child reared on a strict diet of Xbox Morrowind, this always strikes me as a wondrous luxury.
Scattered throughout the map are 500 green orbs which can be collected to incrementally level up your agility. There are also various other colours of orbs for leveling up your strength, your skill with explosives, your accuracy, your touch-typing ability and your driving skill: these are all gained from using the relevant skill on passing thugs...and particularly ugly civilians, if you're in a foul mood, although you'll get no orbs from civilians, tight bastards to the last. Ostensibly these orbs help encourage the player to explore this urban playground, although I don't know what kind of morose wanker, when handed this super-agent to use as he sees fit, would actually look at a skyscraper and go 'Pfff. Don't really wanna climb that. Probably rubbish up there. Think I'll go for a drive instead.'
...(Seamless segue)...
Which brings us, pootling along sadly but inevitably, into the land of flaws, and as implied by my seamless segue, driving is a resident in that land. Driving in Crackdown is boring. Like everything in Crackdown, it's a Catch-22: if you don't do something, you'll never get good at it, but you're unlikely to ever do it if you're no good at it. Thing is, running around lobbing grenades and leaping off skyscrapers and touch-typing a Word document are innately fun activities- I'd do them all the time if I got the chance. But the driving...it feels so initially clunky, when it's not been leveled up, that there's simply no reason to upgrade it. Why drive the streets like some unimaginable loser when you could be bounding from rooftop to rooftop like a bald badass dude with somewhere to be (probably a date with a hot lady...who you'll throw a car at! 'Cos that's how you roll!)? Knowing this, the developers tried to spice the driving up; streetraces litter the cities like discarded johnnies; purple rings float tantalisingly in the sky, normally in proximity to something ramp shaped, just begging to have a car propelled through them and cause Freud to get all excited and fidgety. Did these ring things convince me to convince myself I found the driving interesting? No sir, they did not.
But fuck it, and fuck the naysayers. Crackdown's all 'Hey, hey you! Are you saying nay?' 'Well, yes I am...' 'Well fuck you!' Crackdown knows what it's about, and it doesn't pretend to be anything more than it is, unlike some recent Bioware space RPG's. Naming no names. It's a game about finding orbs, normally by shooting someone in the head until orbs fall out. It's about climbing that skyscraper to see what the view's like. And it's got a sense of humour as it goes about it. Like a certain portal shooting extravaganza of brilliance of late (narrows it down), it understands the importance of a good narrator. Explode too many bus-loads of orphans and the narrator will remind you that civilians, whilst often an intolerable nuisance, are not there for you to slaughter. But you can tell he doesn't mean it. Granted, the narrator gets a bit repetitive a bit quick, but that just reminds you that you should be done playing this game by now and doing something else: 'go on, go play that Halo 3 beta you've been weeing yourself about' it taunts you. And you think 'oooh, maybe I should. I could do with brushing up on my Spartan Laser before tea-time'. You reach for the power button, but then it hits you, right in your long suffering balls: 'Won't somebody please think of the children?' 'Yes...' you say,'Yes. Think of all the children... who I haven't driven a rocket powered supercar over yet. Think of all the children I've yet to stick a limpet mine to, and then juggle in the air with my rocket launcher. Think of all the children that are sitting safely at home, having never been thrown off the top of a skyscraper...by me.' If not you, agent, then who? You sit back in your chair, briefly chastise yourself for your dereliction of duty by giving your balls one last, swift punch, and get back to work...
And so, like a trained worm leaping through tiny hoops for it's master (possibly hoops made out of Polo's), I provide the following two word summary of the above:
Crackdown is just pure visceral goodness. It does not even for a second pretend to be something that it isn't, and what it is is highly enjoyable, albeit shallow as a puddle.
The multiplayer can add some replay fun to it, because there are few things more fun than having your friend who's just started get into a car and you (the fully leveled up Agent) throwing the car on top of buildings so they can get to the really hard to reach orbs.
Also, driving a truck while they stand on top and fire a rocket launcher is always good.
I agree about the driving. The general street cars are big piles of ass. The Agency cars are certainly much better, in that steering them occasionally causes them to go where you wanted them to. They're still not as good as running from rooftop to rooftop, but every so often I'll admit to feeling the urge to get my supercar on.
In short, I agree with the review and, while I normally would say that the tone was less "review" and more "fangush", for this particular caliber of game I think you've nailed the tone properly as well. The game is all about stupid fun and explosions.
An excellent review, about an excellent game. You managed to balance the comedy and the proper reviewy bits well enough to be taken seriously as an evaluation of the game, without sacrificing the light-hearted tone. Good stuff.
Ah Crackdown, no game will ever be as compelling and fun. Ever. And for those who would argue: Since when could you chuck a rubber duckey laced with explosives at innocent bystanders in Portal?
Crackdown was fun until two things hit you: Driving sucks. You stated this in the above and I agree wholeheartedly. There was no point in driving when most of the baddies where so close together. Secondly: Where did everyone go! The name of them game is to clean up the streets. Once that's done, there's nothing left to do! No little side quests or something to fill in your time between murdering civilians (and if you mention the races, so help me god I'll rape your dog!). The game had nothing after it once the city was spick and span.
well after you beat the game you were able to turn crime on and max out your stats, I've found all but like, 2 agility orbs, and have only found 150 out of 300 hidden orbs, and I es maxxorzed.
Well quite, I certainly wouldn't suggest it's really got any lasting replay value. Like I said, when it gets to the point when you realise you've done everything there is to do, that's a good sign you should move on to another game. But what you do get out of it is good stuff, and I think Crackdown's kind of happy with that- there's no shame in knowing your limits.
Wow this is weird timing. I just took the plunge on a 360 today, and Crackdown was the first game I added to my purchase. Running around a city wreaking havoc with crazy super powers? Count me in. I didn't realize the game was cel shaded. Bonus!
Gigantor: Well quite, I certainly wouldn't suggest it's really got any lasting replay value. Like I said, when it gets to the point when you realise you've done everything there is to do, that's a good sign you should move on to another game. But what you do get out of it is good stuff, and I think Crackdown's kind of happy with that- there's no shame in knowing your limits.
It made me not want to kill the last boss. Yet that level was unbelievably fun to play. Assulting that huge tower killing anyhting that moved and this huge fear knowing that if you died you'll have to do it all over again. I made it through and killed him first attempt which was suprising to myself.
I also would think that they should make the vehicle sections better if it was more like Just Cause, because the only good thing with that game was just the vehicles. Side missions like the Spiderman games where thugs are robbing banks, or speeding, or about to murder someone wouldn't go unwanted either. Gives you something else to do rather then finding orbs.
Gigantor: Well quite, I certainly wouldn't suggest it's really got any lasting replay value. Like I said, when it gets to the point when you realise you've done everything there is to do, that's a good sign you should move on to another game. But what you do get out of it is good stuff, and I think Crackdown's kind of happy with that- there's no shame in knowing your limits.
It made me not want to kill the last boss. Yet that level was unbelievably fun to play. Assulting that huge tower killing anyhting that moved and this huge fear knowing that if you died you'll have to do it all over again. I made it through and killed him first attempt which was suprising to myself.
hehe i remember doing that last boss, i climbed up the outside of the tower all the way to the top then chucked his ass off allllll the way to the bottom heheh good times
sadly my save was corrupted, im off to cry about that now
Really? I could never manage to climb the outside of the tower all the way up. I could almost make it, but I'd run out of handholds near the very top. Was there some secret to it?
tiredinnuendo: Really? I could never manage to climb the outside of the tower all the way up. I could almost make it, but I'd run out of handholds near the very top. Was there some secret to it?
- J
The first time I did it, I climbed most of the way up, but I had to go inside through that balcony for the last bit. I haven't managed to make it all the way up from the outside yet, myself.
PurpleRain: Crackdown was fun until two things hit you: Driving sucks. You stated this in the above and I agree wholeheartedly. There was no point in driving when most of the baddies where so close together. Secondly: Where did everyone go! The name of them game is to clean up the streets. Once that's done, there's nothing left to do! No little side quests or something to fill in your time between murdering civilians (and if you mention the races, so help me god I'll rape your dog!). The game had nothing after it once the city was spick and span.
I agree that driving was terrible in Crackdown... but it was the only clunker, really. (Save for some dreadful soundtracks, but if you're not driving that's less of an issue.)
As to the vanishing of the gangs, well, there's always using the Keys to the City option to turn gangs back on. I think that turns off Achievements, but it does allow you to blitz through those El Muertos with your maxed-out agent for a while. (It's either a free download or it's built in. I know I have it, and that I haven't spent any Points on Crackdown DLC.)
Gigantor: Well quite, I certainly wouldn't suggest it's really got any lasting replay value. Like I said, when it gets to the point when you realise you've done everything there is to do, that's a good sign you should move on to another game. But what you do get out of it is good stuff, and I think Crackdown's kind of happy with that- there's no shame in knowing your limits.
It made me not want to kill the last boss. Yet that level was unbelievably fun to play. Assulting that huge tower killing anyhting that moved and this huge fear knowing that if you died you'll have to do it all over again. I made it through and killed him first attempt which was suprising to myself.
hehe i remember doing that last boss, i climbed up the outside of the tower all the way to the top then chucked his ass off allllll the way to the bottom heheh good times
sadly my save was corrupted, im off to cry about that now
Nice work. I had to go inside the tower and fight off his entire ARMY of minions before reaching him and butt raping him with a rocket lancher.
Anton P. Nym: As to the vanishing of the gangs, well, there's always using the Keys to the City option to turn gangs back on. I think that turns off Achievements, but it does allow you to blitz through those El Muertos with your maxed-out agent for a while. (It's either a free download or it's built in. I know I have it, and that I haven't spent any Points on Crackdown DLC.)
-- Steve
I didn't know about that. I don't have Live so I hope you don't have to download it. Pity about turning off the achievements. You need gangmemebers for nearly all of them.
The Keys to the City mod does not turn off achievements unless you play in "Keys to the City" mode, where you can auto-beef your character instead of levelling up. If you play in normal mode you can get achievements just fine. In fact, they added some new ones. This patch also gives you the ability to impound cars, ressurect the gangs, adds new agent models, and a few more odds and ends. It does require a download.
There's also a second download (costs 800 points) that adds a few new weapons, a cloaking device, new specialty cars (including a rocket launching armored car), and a bunch of new mini-games for multiplayer (mostly races and special deathmatch modes).
I for one beat crackdown and got about half of the orbs then found myself rather bored. Adventures online mostly involved idiots trying to do speed runs of the boss fights, while I tried to hit them with a car.
Sure, it doesn't pretend to have any substance... but I kinda like substance. And if they were going to go all-out, why didn't they give us airplanes, jets, and have your powers increase dramatically so that you could eventually jump over entire sky scapers in single leaps? And how about sea-doos and crazy crap for playing in the water? For a 'playground' game, it just felt a little shallow in content. I wanted to go nuts, but all I could do was cling onto building ledges and shoot rockets at cars.
Sadly I have played the game to death, collected ALL the orbs and such and have something like 1100 gamer points. Those add-ons added extra achievements and such but I'm not in the mood to go racing around the city.
SPOILERS BELOW.. * * * * * * * * *
Isn't it true that at the end of the game The Agency is really one big crime facility? or an organisation looking to dominate the city? Does this suggest there could be a sequel? Itd have to be different to succeed I think.
richasr: Sadly I have played the game to death, collected ALL the orbs and such and have something like 1100 gamer points. Those add-ons added extra achievements and such but I'm not in the mood to go racing around the city.
SPOILERS BELOW.. * * * * * * * * *
Isn't it true that at the end of the game The Agency is really one big crime facility? or an organisation looking to dominate the city? Does this suggest there could be a sequel? Itd have to be different to succeed I think.
I hope they make a sequel, but isnt that what APB is for? If they do make a sequel, they should make a better story, like your part of a small-time gang who finds the Agent-drug, and becomes some sort of vigilante, where you dress up in some kickass suit(Not the Comic kickass, like the adjective kickass) and beat up gang bangers. Throw in some destrucible enviorments(Please allow us to throw people through walls) and better driving. A cool plot and you got yourself a Killer App
Gigantor: Well quite, I certainly wouldn't suggest it's really got any lasting replay value. Like I said, when it gets to the point when you realise you've done everything there is to do, that's a good sign you should move on to another game. But what you do get out of it is good stuff, and I think Crackdown's kind of happy with that- there's no shame in knowing your limits.
I actually loved replaying the game, if only for stress relief. Plus, being able to regenerate the gangs and fight all the bosses with full stats and trying to find every car and every orb kept me coming back over and over again. Not as much as Oblivion, but moreso than almost any other game in my collection.
Exactly. This is the first Anniversary of Gigantor's Crackdown Review. Such a piece needs to be printed out, the cast in bronze with- NAY! GOLD PLATED! With platinum letters sticking out! This was a beautiful piece, and is timeless, even a year later.
I must say that I love your writing. You definitely have great sense of humor in your writing which is something I can appreciate. Your sense of humor is also (often) what allows for some of the abrupt topic changes...
(...seamless segue and obvious rip-off of your idea...)
I agree that it is free-running on LSD because on LSD I always felt like I could jump that high.
I forget when there is something wrong with reviewing a game a year old, at least he wrote his own review, not stole it.(Burn!) On topic...
I have crack-down, the game is one of the greatest, I hope they are making number two, and then it can be merged with saints row 3...What a great game... The best weapon by the way is the "lapid grenade"... 30 of those plus 1 bus = win.
Good work, captured the feel of the game well. On the note of driving, there is something very satisfying when its at its max jumping into your little super car, only to have it turn into the Batmobile before your eyes.
...I must say. Between the picture of Oscar Wilde, the fantastic review, and the good bits of humor stuffed into it, I feel the need to buy you not just a drink, but an entire pub.
Long time no postee...
Crackdown
One of the following sentences will be central to this review. Feel free to ponder which it could be as you read them- for extra points, try and spot the common theme which links each sentence:
i)Let them eat cake.
ii)You can't have your cake and eat it.
iii)The cake is a lie.
Easy, wasn't it? Too easy, for a person as intelligent and handsome as you. The common theme is that each sentence was preceded by a Roman numeral in brackets (as the author I can promise that any other similarity was wholly coincidental).
Take another glance at sentence ii). It is, depressingly enough, a truism in life that you can't have it both ways, whatever those ways may be. You can't skive off school because you forgot to do your homework; you can't have a lightsaber, because they're only for Jedi's, and APPARENTLY they're not 'real'. And obviously, you can't jump off a skyscraper, fire a heat seeking missile launcher at a car full of mafia goons, land on a truck, pick it up and throw it at some innocent bystanders who you've developed an irrational but irresistible dislike to because...what?...I CAN do the last one? Awesome. Don't suppose there's any chance of getting me a lightsaber as well? No? How about 'instead of'? Still no? Alright, alright. Better than a kick in the balls though...speaking of which...
'Better than a kick in the balls' sums up the reaction of many people who bought Crackdown. Expectations were not high: for many it was a free bonus game they got after shelling out £40 for access to the Halo 3 beta, kind of an inverted Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved. But you know what? Crackdown's brilliant. It's abso-cocking-lutely mental, and it doesn't care who knows it. Ironic, perhaps, that it was packaged with the Halo 3 Multiplayer beta- Crackdown offers maybe ten hours of fun, but not much more: Halo 3 Multiplayer will be played until the Horsemen of the Apocalypse decide to make an entrance, the sun goes supernova, or Halo 4 comes out (maybe they'll all happen at once- that's gonna be one hell of a weekend: 'wait a sec, Pestilence, need to finish this Capture the Flag...woah, could you dim the lights in here? Can't see the screen...')
Crackdown hits you like...well, a bit like that kick in the balls someone mentioned earlier. You select an angry looking avatar (possibly bald: most definitely angry). Strong but silent type- think Gordon Freeman spliced with freerunning on LSD. You proceed to wander around a big ol' cartoon metropolis, happily murdering ethnic stereotypes until the game tells you the plot is over. But what a stunningly realised metropolis! It evokes a special type of joy medical experts call 'Jet Set Radio Future Super Happy Time'. The most superficial likeness is the cel-shaded beauty of both games, but a common structural trait is you can be sure that, if you can see somewhere, you can go there. Things start diverging when you consider that in JSRF there are certain semi-sensible limits about what can be done: you can do precisely what a cel-shaded, weirdly attired, ambiguously gendered skater ought to be able to do, within the logic of the game. But Crackdown, Crackdown turns the speaker up to 11...then throws the speaker through a wall and then lobs a grenade through the hole in the wall and then shoots whatever is left with a machine gun.
Like my mother always told me, view distances are important. On a practical level a good draw distance will let you whip out a sniper rifle and forcibly implement a cessation in some unlucky twits respiration from four miles away. But like a wrestler who dabbles in flower arranging, Crackdown has a surprising understanding of the importance of aesthetics. It allows- actually, it encourages- you to climb up to the top of a skyscraper, leaping from the ground, 25 feet in the air, grabbing onto a windowsill by your finger tips and hauling yourself up the side of the building (surprisingly nimble for such a big guy) for little better reason than to see the view. And the view distance is such that you can look in a direction and just see everything there is to be seen. As a child reared on a strict diet of Xbox Morrowind, this always strikes me as a wondrous luxury.
Scattered throughout the map are 500 green orbs which can be collected to incrementally level up your agility. There are also various other colours of orbs for leveling up your strength, your skill with explosives, your accuracy, your touch-typing ability and your driving skill: these are all gained from using the relevant skill on passing thugs...and particularly ugly civilians, if you're in a foul mood, although you'll get no orbs from civilians, tight bastards to the last. Ostensibly these orbs help encourage the player to explore this urban playground, although I don't know what kind of morose wanker, when handed this super-agent to use as he sees fit, would actually look at a skyscraper and go 'Pfff. Don't really wanna climb that. Probably rubbish up there. Think I'll go for a drive instead.'
...(Seamless segue)...
Which brings us, pootling along sadly but inevitably, into the land of flaws, and as implied by my seamless segue, driving is a resident in that land. Driving in Crackdown is boring. Like everything in Crackdown, it's a Catch-22: if you don't do something, you'll never get good at it, but you're unlikely to ever do it if you're no good at it. Thing is, running around lobbing grenades and leaping off skyscrapers and touch-typing a Word document are innately fun activities- I'd do them all the time if I got the chance. But the driving...it feels so initially clunky, when it's not been leveled up, that there's simply no reason to upgrade it. Why drive the streets like some unimaginable loser when you could be bounding from rooftop to rooftop like a bald badass dude with somewhere to be (probably a date with a hot lady...who you'll throw a car at! 'Cos that's how you roll!)? Knowing this, the developers tried to spice the driving up; streetraces litter the cities like discarded johnnies; purple rings float tantalisingly in the sky, normally in proximity to something ramp shaped, just begging to have a car propelled through them and cause Freud to get all excited and fidgety. Did these ring things convince me to convince myself I found the driving interesting? No sir, they did not.
But fuck it, and fuck the naysayers. Crackdown's all 'Hey, hey you! Are you saying nay?' 'Well, yes I am...' 'Well fuck you!' Crackdown knows what it's about, and it doesn't pretend to be anything more than it is, unlike some recent Bioware space RPG's. Naming no names. It's a game about finding orbs, normally by shooting someone in the head until orbs fall out. It's about climbing that skyscraper to see what the view's like. And it's got a sense of humour as it goes about it. Like a certain portal shooting extravaganza of brilliance of late (narrows it down), it understands the importance of a good narrator. Explode too many bus-loads of orphans and the narrator will remind you that civilians, whilst often an intolerable nuisance, are not there for you to slaughter. But you can tell he doesn't mean it. Granted, the narrator gets a bit repetitive a bit quick, but that just reminds you that you should be done playing this game by now and doing something else: 'go on, go play that Halo 3 beta you've been weeing yourself about' it taunts you. And you think 'oooh, maybe I should. I could do with brushing up on my Spartan Laser before tea-time'. You reach for the power button, but then it hits you, right in your long suffering balls: 'Won't somebody please think of the children?' 'Yes...' you say,'Yes. Think of all the children... who I haven't driven a rocket powered supercar over yet. Think of all the children I've yet to stick a limpet mine to, and then juggle in the air with my rocket launcher. Think of all the children that are sitting safely at home, having never been thrown off the top of a skyscraper...by me.' If not you, agent, then who? You sit back in your chair, briefly chastise yourself for your dereliction of duty by giving your balls one last, swift punch, and get back to work...
And so, like a trained worm leaping through tiny hoops for it's master (possibly hoops made out of Polo's), I provide the following two word summary of the above:
Buy it.