My Bloody Valentine 3-D (Movie Review)

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

You're a member of the male 18-49 demographic. It's Friday night, you're bored stiff, and you have a couple of twenties in your pocket. Why not head over to the local theatre house and see what's new? Skimming over the selection, you see movies that have been out for weeks (Valkyrie, Twilight, Yes Man) and puerile kiddy comedies (Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Bedtime Stories). Just when all hope is lost, you see a title with an 18A rating, the phrase "in 3-D," and a sign warning that this film contains nudity. Strike up the band, we have a winner!

My Bloody Valentine: 3-D isn't the most sophisticated horror film ever. In fact, it's about as generic as they come. The film takes place in a small ironically named community where everyone is white, stupid, and drunk. A terrible tragedy occurs that kills everyone involved except for the mentally unstable psychopath, and most of the residents have a bad habit of being impaled with a pick axe while doing something completely idiotic. Do films this inane even deserve a synopsis?

The selling point this time around is given away in the title: the film is captured in 3-D. There's been a lot of speculation and buzz in recent weeks surrounding the revival of 3-D films, including revelations that companies like DreamWorks and people like James Cameron are intending to only work in 3-D from now on. Bearing this in mind, I went into MBV:3D searching for a tech demo instead of an actual movie.

3-D is created through cameras that capture the scene using two side-by-side lenses spaced about an eyeball's width apart in order to mimic the way human eyes work. With the goofy glasses on, the image comes into focus giving the image on screen depth. With the glasses off, the picture is blurry and fuzzy. It's a neat trick to be sure, but that's all it really is. Depending on where you're sitting, the 3-D becomes incredibly painful after a while. Viewing angles play a big role in the experience, so it's best to sit in the middle instead of off to the side (which is where I normally sit).

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Fact: The horror film rule that the black guy always dies first is inapplicable if there is only one black guy in the entire film.

The 3-D creates an appreciable depth, that is to say you can judge distance between objects in the background relative to the foreground, etc. The best uses of the gimmick are when Mr. Gas Mask hurls his pickaxe or when glass breaks and shatters. Actually, there is this one neat moment where an idle hand with blood dripping from the fingertips came into my corner of the screen, and it was convincing enough for me to think that my nachos got a nice crimson dressing. So really 3-D enhances the startling power of quick cuts (no pun intended), but that's all it's good for. You might flinch at the occasional bit of debris or metal spike, but don't expect to be able to grope a pair of bosoms.

The film outside the gimmicky 3-D is decidedly sub-par. The acting is terrible, the dialogue is predictable, and the score is your standard out of tune shrieks. The story on the other hand is actually somewhat inspired even if it is destroyed by the director's own ineptitude. The ending is a bit of a twist, but it's more of a "well the whole movie was pretty pointless then, wasn't it?" instead of the desired "golly that sure was great!" variety.

What makes MBV:3D worth a look is the 3-D element which may or may not convince you that 3-D is the way of the future. Don't mistake this for meaning that 3-D can make a bad film tolerable or a good film excellent. It's an experience to be sure, but not a necessary cinematic experience that is guaranteed to make everything it's applied to better. 3-D certainly mixes well with horror and possibly fantasy films, but I doubt it can enhance a film like The Wrestler or Slumdog Millionaire. Quite frankly, when 3-D isn't being ostensibly used, it becomes a sore pain in the retina more than anything else.

*If you can't see this film in 3-D, then don't see it at all.

Fun Facts
- Filming in 3-D normally adds an additional 10-15 million dollars to the production budget.
- A ticket for a 3-D film will costs a few dollars more than a normal ticket.
- 3-D films are worthless to pirates since they're virtually impossible to endure without those stupid glasses.
- I don't think this is my best review either.

An interesting read. This 3D revival is pretty intriguing - supposedly that movie that James Cameron is making, Avatar I think it's called, is going to be intense. He compares the innovation it will make to when they started filming in color. If he's right, it should be pretty amazing.

And what's with the title? Does this movie even have anything to do with Valentine's Day?

ThaBenMan:

And what's with the title? Does this movie even have anything to do with Valentine's Day?

The killing spree happened on Valentine's Day 10 years ago, but really it's more of a coincidence than anything else (Mr. Gas Mask woke up from his coma on Valentine's Day and began his rampage. It's not like he was heartbroken or anything). The title is completely irrelevant, as is most of the blood red heart motifs.

To be honest, I'm not so sure about seeing this now. If I was to see it, it would have been with this girl I'm thinking of dating, and from the sound of things it isn't even the slightest bit scary. I don't get scared at all, and to be honest not much in movies catch me off guard anymore, but you know how it is with the whole date thing.

Then again... she seems like the type that'll scare easily. So maybe I'll make sure we get a good seat in the middle, and right up front.

Anyways, very good review. Short, sweet, to the point, and devoid of spoilers. A+!

Wish me luck with the date! ;P

I thought the movie was pretty half @$$ed, but atleast it got me back to the movies. Nice review, by the way

Siris:
I thought the movie was pretty half @$$ed, but atleast it got me back to the movies. Nice review, by the way

You should be going to the movies to see the excellent Wrestler which also came out this week. Slumdog Millionaire is also a treat, so you shouldn't need 3D to get you to the theater.

This is a bit off topic, but the other day I was playing Farcry 2 online and I was in a level playing capture the diamond and there was this billboard I was hiding behind and just by chance I managed to catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye and on it was an advertisement for "My Bloody Valentine" It was really weird.

ZeroMachine:
Wish me luck with the date! ;P

Good luck!

Despite the fact that the title says 'Movie Review', I came into this review for some reason expecting a write up on Loveless.

Still, all this 3D technowizardry looks very fancy.

This review = WIN

I dont get why they didnt wait untill Valintines day for this movie. That just dousent make sense.

I know what you mean, the only real draw is the 3D aspect. The subject material doesn't really matter. Good review.

I saw Beowulf in 3D and it was EPIC! Far better than Jaws in 3D.

ForrestDixon:
I dont get why they didnt wait untill Valintines day for this movie. That just dousent make sense.

Perhaps for the same reason that they titled it "My Bloody Valentine" even though it apparently has little more than a vague connection with the holiday?

I love how you make an emphasis upon 'everyone is white' when there's a black guy in the picture. I'm going to watch this film on Wednesday.

Break:

ForrestDixon:
I dont get why they didnt wait untill Valintines day for this movie. That just dousent make sense.

Perhaps for the same reason that they titled it "My Bloody Valentine" even though it apparently has little more than a vague connection with the holiday?

I thought at first that it came out on Valintines day which, made sense. But it really suprized me the other day when my friend said it was coming out on friday the 16.

Good review, I'm surprised you didn't talk about how it compares to the original, which I only found out exists thanks to a free give away, so I don't blame you.

i wanted to check this movie out already, but when the host points out that nudity and 3D are in the same movie, all the more reason to go blazed out of my mind

definantly thinking about seeing it looks real intresting ( 3D AND NUDITY!(.)(.) ) name sounds too much like the band bullet for my valentine, Maybe they could bring out a song PickAxe For my valentine. XD

You Made Me Realise I should see this movie Soon.

*groans*

 

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