Ugh... Miss March (Movie Review)

Miss March

I'm just going to go ahead and call it right now: Miss March is the worst movie of 2009, perhaps even the worst movie I've ever seen. Seriously. Until Uwe Boll collaborates with Friedberg and Seltzer, it is simply not possible for any other movie to be this bad.

Miss March is, more or less, the cinematic adaptation of J. Geil's Band's "Centerfold." On the eve of his senior prom, Eugene takes a few too many shots of whisky and winds up in a four year coma after he falls down the stairs and a toolbox knocks the life out of him. When he wakes up, he discovers that his high school sweetheart is currently making a living as a Playboy model. As opposed to, you know, being sensible and contacting her after all these years, Eugene decides to make a cross country road trip to the Playboy Mansion with his buddy Tucker, a colossal idiot. And such is the plot of Miss March, a cinematic bastardization that should be fired into the sun for how god-awful it is.

I'm not even entirely sure how to classify Miss March thematically. The only genre it might possibly belong to is comedy, yet I'm sitting here racking my brain for one genuinely funny moment and can't manage to recall a scene that elicited even a slight chuckle. There are only a handful of instances where what's being displayed might qualify as a joke, and they all fail miserably. I suppose the root problem lies in the characterization and how there isn't any. Eugene is a tool, Cindy (Miss March) is vapid and dull, and Tucker is a moron. Everyone else is lifeless, insignificant, and off-putting. Not even Hugh Hefner is able to bring any measure of prestige or lustre to the proceedings. In essence, his appearance merely serves to remind everyone of how pathetic we all are for participating in this debacle.

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Christ I hate this movie....

Miss March might qualify as a sex comedy, which is a peculiar aspiration for a film that contains no sex or comedy at all despite being plotted around two normally sure-fire devices for both elements. The only intercourse is between the moron and his epileptic squeeze, yet the scene is so tasteless and devoid of any appreciable filmmaking skill that it might warrant a laugh if only because of how inept it is. There simply isn't anything charming or engaging about anything this film has to offer. It's ham-fisted tripe with nothing provocative or innovative for any audience except maybe the director's friends who probably won't be amused by their "efforts" anyway. I would expect to find this movie in the VHS bargain bins cozily nestled between Sandra Bullock films, or perhaps on YouTube before the moderators pull themselves out of their money bath to delete it.

In the end, I blame myself though. I wanted to see Race To Witch Mountain today but decided against it because of the half dozen grade school classes eagerly lined up to annoy the hell out of me. Miss March is a paltry 90 minutes and every waking second is agony. In my review of Fired Up! last week, I briefly mused over my tendency to focus on the silver linings of a bad movie in an effort to mask the poor investment of my $10. Believe me when I say this: Miss March is one foul experience, inside and out.

Note: Short and bitter about sums up this review. Believe me, you don't want to hear more of this movie than you have to.

Hmm, House Bunny I hear is the better Playboy-centered movie.

Glad to see you suffered so much on our bahalf :).

Why do you put yourself through such pain.

so if i get this right miss march is a horrible movie yet not horribly bad enough to be funny (as in laughing at how bad the movie is)?

Hmm... is this movie supposedly advertising the Playboy magazine? I wonder...

Oh well, I concur. This movie is so bad.

ravensshade:
so if i get this right miss march is a horrible movie yet not horribly bad enough to be funny (as in laughing at how bad the movie is)?

Yeah, that's exactly it. There's absolutely no redeeming quality to be found in it.

if National Lampoon had made it it would be better

oliveira8:
Why do you put yourself through such pain.

So that he can deliver vital information and spare us poor fools from putting ourselves through the same. *sniff* He's a true hero...

ThaBenMan:

oliveira8:
Why do you put yourself through such pain.

So that he can deliver vital information and spare us poor fools from putting ourselves through the same. *sniff* He's a true hero...

So true...we should make a statue in his honour!

May the force/tri-force/mushrooms be always with you Maet for sacrificing yourself to save mankind of seeing this movie.

Me and my friends were laughing so damn hard at the trailer when the whore flew out the window, so I'm giving this movie a chance. It seems to have some potential, you maybe enjoy different forms of comedy.

this is a shame. Im a fan of the whitest kids u know, and the trailer was actually pretty interesting. Just disappointed that its doing so poorly critcally.

Shame, I was hoping Trevor Moore would actually bring something to the big screen. Perhaps the Whitest Kids You Know is where he should have stayed during shooting.

Though the review was a bit short it was still well done. The problem I see is this "Was it really that bad?". I mean how bad? Meet The Spartans bad or Scary Movie 4 bad?

I just liked the firetruck thing from the commercials, but yeah, it is one of those plots that seems to say "Lets take the long hard pointless way"
I say he should just be like Oh well, meet a different girl, have sex with her and bam.

So, Maet... you liked it, then?

ravensshade:
so if i get this right miss march is a horrible movie yet not horribly bad enough to be funny (as in laughing at how bad the movie is)?

No, it means that it's so awful you can't laugh about it.

Maet:

ravensshade:
so if i get this right miss march is a horrible movie yet not horribly bad enough to be funny (as in laughing at how bad the movie is)?

Yeah, that's exactly it. There's absolutely no redeeming quality to be found in it.

I sort of contradicted you here, but not really.

Anyway, dude, it's basically a movie about a hooker and the dude who thinks she's still a person.
Why would this appeal to anyone, ever?

no idea but i meant there are movies so horribly made(and acted and such) that it's actually hilarious to watch
i guess this would appeal to errrr people who like seeing bad movies?

Maet:
I'm not even entirely sure how to classify Miss March thematically.

How 'bout "90 minutes of virgin/whore complex"?

-- Alex

I actually find the whitest kids u' know to be pretty funny,still they should probably steer clear of making movies.

MaxTheReaper:

Anyway, dude, it's basically a movie about a hooker and the dude who thinks she's still a person.
Why would this appeal to anyone, ever?

The film is plotted around a Playboy centerfold, so there's always the promise of sex and nudity that was sadly left unfulfilled. The film is R-Rated, so the fact that they don't take advantage of that label to at least try to cram it with vulgar or racy material is bewildering. Usually with the Sex Comedy, you get a few naked bodies and a few jokes. With Miss March, you get unappealing nudity and no jokes whatsoever.

Alex_P:
How 'bout "90 minutes of virgin/whore complex"?

-- Alex

That would be giving the screenwriters too much credit.

Danzorz:
The problem I see is this "Was it really that bad?". I mean how bad? Meet The Spartans bad or Scary Movie 4 bad?

Closer to Date Movie bad, I suppose. Really, it's in a league of its own for how terrible it is.

Tharticus:
Hmm... is this movie supposedly advertising the Playboy magazine? I wonder...

Oh well, I concur. This movie is so bad.

Yes It Is.

They could'nt even afford good-looking bimbos.

Is this movie Plan 9 From Outer Space bad or Spider-man 3 bad?

And that's why I don't watch movies where the entire plot is, "OMGzorz, let's go has teh secks!"
They're drek and aren't worth the film strips they're printed on. They're the inky black tentacles that are pulling America's stereotype of being nothing but redneck idiots to the surface of stereotypes.

TheNecroswanson:
And that's why I don't watch movies where the entire plot is, "OMGzorz, let's go has teh secks!"
They're drek and aren't worth the film strips they're printed on. They're the inky black tentacles that are pulling America's stereotype of being nothing but redneck idiots to the surface of stereotypes.

Totally agree, I work with a few guys that are all about the feces that is referred to as the "sex movie" for the simple fact that there is sex in it. Yet if I wanted to watch a movie built around "Lets go have sex" why wouldn't I just watch a porno? At least there might be some DECENT acting... but I digress.

It just seems such a waste to me. But then again, there are so many movies out there now that are dredging the bottom of the barrel just to attempt to make a fast buck.

Awww, but I expected it to be so very good.

I got dragged out to see this movie. There was one other group besides us, opening night. Cheap laughs, not enough boobs. The first nudity you see is the coma dude.

I have more fun walking around downtown than I did at this movie.

L33tsauce_Marty:
Me and my friends were laughing so damn hard at the trailer when the whore flew out the window, so I'm giving this movie a chance. It seems to have some potential, you maybe enjoy different forms of comedy.

That scene is by far the funniest in the movie, except for the Hefner talk.

Maet:

ravensshade:
so if i get this right miss march is a horrible movie yet not horribly bad enough to be funny (as in laughing at how bad the movie is)?

Yeah, that's exactly it. There's absolutely no redeeming quality to be found in it.

It's not supposed to be comedic gold, I mean, It's The whitest Kids U know that star in this movie. I haven't seen it, but I think that it's supposed to be aware of its own stupidity. Then again, maybe its really bad at making fun of itself, I don't know. But I think the reviewer was asking for it when he went in to the movie expecting it to be good from a cinematic perspective. It's crude humor, and I am sure the movie is aware of that. It's not trying to be gold, so assuming that the movie wants to be is silly. But then again, I haven't seen it, so maybe it is trying to be something funny and fails in the process.

EDIT: Never mind me, I realized what ravensshade was actually saying. Carry On!

Who else expected more?

Maet:

ravensshade:
so if i get this right miss march is a horrible movie yet not horribly bad enough to be funny (as in laughing at how bad the movie is)?

Yeah, that's exactly it. There's absolutely no redeeming quality to be found in it.

So I've finally found a movie that makes it to the title 'So Bad It's Horrible', eh? Wow.

I've never heard of this movie until now, but I would have to say that that was for the best. By the way, my personal 'Worst Movie Ever' would have to be Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay.

Entering a movie with low expectations? Hey, at least it was what you expected.

I think whitest kids you know sketches are funny. Are they anything like this movie?

 

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