Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted: you get your skull smashed in by a bum you bump into.

I wish for the ownership of a TARDIS.

Granted, but there's a time lock on it so you can only travel between now and the end of the universe.

I wish I was Battler Ushiromiya... ;D.

Granted, but he emerges from another universe and kills you for taking his place in life.

I wish for a PS3.

Granted. You have a broken PS3.

I wish for a hidden blade.

Granted. You have a blade hidden in your ass. Fully sharpened and without a sheath, too.

I wish to be the best there ever was.

Granted, but the mechanism is defected so that the blade will spring backwards into your own arm every time you use it. Roar, ninja.
Granted, but no one will ever remember your achievment.

I wish I could play the piano.

Granted, but you're so bad at playing piano that the entirety of your family and friends kill themselves rather than listening to you play.

I wish I had mad skillz.

Granted. Enjoy that schizophroenic horse-riding & paranoid-delusional drawing.

I wish mummy would stop sleeping...

Granted. She's no longer in a coma, but full-on dead. YOU'RE SUCH A MONSTER!

I wish the voices would go away.

Their smoke break is long overdue.

I wish I could walk again.

Granted, but you lose your arms so you have to eat with your mouth.

I wish I didn't have to wake up so early to go to school.

Granted: you die in your sleep.

I wish I had a car.

Granted, but it's broken beyond repair.

I wish I would stop changing avatars.

Granted, but the avatar you have to stick with is obscene and results in you getting banned.

I wish I had a dog with a saddle.

Granted, but it's much smaller that you hoped for, and you'd crush it if you sat on it.

I wish for a mail-less world.

Granted, but you are trapped in a small cube with only a computer to call for help. But now that there is no mail system, you cannot send email. So you are trapped forever.

I wish there was an announcement for the Playstation 4.

Granted, but you're in a comma.

I wish for a dragon to guard my treasure.

Granted, but your dragon lives on a diet of gold and diamonds.

I wish my give a damn was broken.

Granted, but now you give a crap instead.

I wish I had a sweet lava lamp.

Granted, but it's filled with sugar instead of lava. Or whatever that stuff they use is...

I wish for a sexy girlfriend.

Granted. But she is a Thai lady boy who is found attractive by ONE person.

(you didn't say that you had to find her attractive)

I wish my RP would get a move on.

granted, but everyone leaves it and youre left with one player.

i wish ninjas would stop ninja-ing

granted but now the pirate trolls are pirate trolling.

i wish i could see episode 201 of southpark

Granted, but it causes you to vomit and stab your eyes out.

I wish that I had my own phoneline.

Granted, but it's not plugged in.

I wish Isaac would stop multi-posting.

Granted: I now spam with porn.

I wish for a new hard drive.

Granted, but it's made of paper.

I wish it would snow tomorrow.

Granted: you are killed by falling ice.

I wish for Ghost in the Shell to be real.

Granted, but you can't see her ...cause she's a ghost..

I wish for $50 million!

Granted: you make it by selling drugs, get caught, use your influence to avoid incarceration, and successfully make it back to you estate where one of your partners has taken over. They have you shot.

I wish for a motorbike.

granted, but instead of a seat it has a rusty knife

I wish i was a little bit taller

Granted, but all doors get smaller.

I wish I was less sleepy.

Granted, but now you have a major meth problem and loose all your teeth

I wish my landlord allowed pets

Granted, but your neighbor now has a spider farm, and and there's a hole in your wall...

I wish I had a coonskin hat.

granted but it's made out of a zombie raccoon that is now eating your brains

i wish i could fly on clouds like a chinese monkey

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