Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted. You drill your hand into your skull on accident.

I wish for food that cooks faster.

Granted, it tastes awful.

I wish to watch Fantasia!

Granted, but you will forget it completely afterwards.

I wish to have a new laptop

Granted, but it doesn't come with any components.

I wish for more adventure in my life.

Granted, you go to the amazon rainforest without any protective gear...and get lost.

I wish for some classical music.

Granted. One really high-pitched instrument deafens you.

I wish for pearly-white teeth.

Granted. But they will fall out in a year's time.

I wish for a piano

Granted. Your teeth are made out of cyanide.

Damn it

Granted. It was used for cocaine smuggling. The police are on their way.

I wish I could grant my own wishes.

Granted, they all ruin your life in some way.

I wish for more TV shows.

Granted. Spin-offs of Jersey Shore.

I wish for less bugs, both electronic and physical.

Granted, instead you get electronic spiders and physical spiders crawling all over you.

I wish for Pokemon.

Granted, they all want to kill you!

I wish for a miracle.

Granted it's miraculously bad.

I wish for a better graphics processor.

Granted but the rest of your computer is completely trashed by a gremlin.

I wish for a Pizza fight!

Granted, moldy rotten pizza is used and whoever is hit has to eat the rotten slice.

I wish to reach for the stars.

Granted, you are catapulted out of the atmosphere in order to hurtle towards one. In a long time you will touch one. I hope you can hold your breath.

I wish for a super computer.

Granted, it is so smart it kills you and tries to take over the world!

I wish for Pringles.

Granted, but they are all smashed up when you open the pack.

I wish for another drink.

granted. It's hot coffee. I spilled it on your face.
I wish for slapstick.

Granted, you get slapped. By a huge walking stick.

I wish for the extermination of violence.

Granted. Instead, people whine all the time. ALL THE TIME.

I wish that the captcha becomes more interesting.

Granted, but it's too complex to work out, thus no one ever posts again.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

Granted, you are now so awake that you cannot sleep...for weeks, despite you feeling tired.

I wish I had the Avengers DVD.

Granted. But you have no means to watch it.

I wish for better loopholes

Granted, all of them ruin your life.

I wish for my bed to be made.

Granted but it gets infested with bed bugs in the process.

I wish for more.

Granted, I give you so much that it sickens you to the point of death.

I wish for more anime.

Granted, you get an anime containing lolicon and the police arrest you.

I wish for more time to sleep.

Granted, but you loss something else.

I wish for no more invisible posts.

Granted, the visible truth is too much for you!

I wish for more people to post on the escapist.

Granted, but they are all fanboys who can't shut their mouths.

I wish for more art.

Granted but all of it is done very poorly on MS paint.

I wish for less corruption in big business.

Agreed, it's all ran by Gabe from valve...HA

No 3s for you!

I wish for my own roast.

Granted, people say horrendous things about you and you kill yourself.

I wish for more romantic comedy movies.

Granted, they all are written by monkeys flinging poo at typewriters.

I wish for less hate.

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