Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted would you like it fried or baked.

I wish for more great crime drama.

Granted, hope you like a shitty example of a great crime drama.

I wish for better reflexes!

Granted, you now have reflexes so fast you can move faster than sound. However, your body still cannot withstand such speeds so every move you make will tear you apart.

I wish I would stop procrastinating.

Granted! Now you are a workaholic.

And you work at a sewage treatment plant.

I wish for the ability to ruin wishes better.

Granted, but every time you try to post your ideas, you get ninja'd by something funnier.

I wish that the walls were made of cake.

Granted, I hoped you like Cinderblock Cake.

Equal Parts Flour, Sugar and Instant Cement

I wish for a pie.

Granted. Hope you have an immunity to AIDS!
Yes, I failed Biology. I'm having fun, that's all that counts.

I wish for time travel to the past and future at will, but only for me.

Granted, you can only go a day in the future or the past.
I wish for instant cement.

Granted but you are standing in a pool of it up to your knees...

I wish for the code.

Granted. Nothing in the world accepts it by the way, so have fun using useless code!

I wish for a burst of inspiration to finish 5 AP assignments for tomorrow!

Granted. It's too distracting and you get nothing done.

I wish for a better phone.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to get any cell phone reception anywhere.

I wish my eyes were purple.

Granted! All hail Lelouch vi Britannia!
Also you get killed in the end of that anime sorry.....maybe......

I wish I had a better car.

Wish granted! You now have the finest car money can buy. It's a shame about those defective seat-belts and airbags . . . I'm sure you'll be fine.

I wish for a jar of peanut butter that never goes empty.

Granted, but it's filled with the 'peanut butter' found in Reese's Cups. (According to a recent Off-Topic thread, people don't seem to like it.)

I wish the snow here would melt.

Granted, but it causes a flood that engulfs your entire town/city/whatever.

I wish to be the very best, like no-one ever was.

Wish granted, you are now the very best, like no one ever was. To catch them is your real test, and to train them is your cause. Unfortunately, you're already the best, so training them is meaningless, and your cause feels empty and unfulfilling.

I wish I could instantly clean my house with a snap of my fingers.

Granted. Every time you need to activate that power, you lose a heart.

I wish for a giant mech with a drill that can pierce the heavens!

Granted. The mech needs to stay plugged into an outlet at all times though, the cord is a foot long, and no extension cords work with it.

I wish to be able to read minds.

Wish granted. You have no way to filter out the thoughts of people around you, and you always hear their most useless and annoying thoughts first.

I wish the world was like a Professor Layton game, and all my problems and disputes could be settled by solving puzzles. I also want his fancy hat.

Granted. The puzzles run on illogic and have no solution.

I wish to stay home and be happy.

Granted. Your home has had all it's utilities shut off, and your name has been legally changed to "Happy". Emotionally speaking, you're quite miserable.

I wish the fruit in my house would never spoil.

Granted. But the composition of the fruits make it acidic to your health and kill you if you even smell it.

I wish for a way to wake up the sheep.

Granted, but now they never go back to sleep, and their ceaseless bleating echoes throughout your mind.

I wish I didn't have to get up early.

Granted, I hope you like waking up 11:59 PM of the current day.
I wish for a fountain of hairballs.

Granted. You can pick up from the White House, it's in the Oval Office. The Secret Service has some questions for you.

I wish for wishes that don't ruin themselves.

Granted, they don't ruin themselves for 5 seconds. Enjoy that happiness while you can.

I wish that I had an apple pie ... right next to me.

Granted but there are razor blades in it.

I wish for a better buzz.

Denied, because I don't know the rules of the game and also, RED IS DRUNK.

I wish I knew the rules of every game.

Granted, but then everything in the universe stops following rules.

I wish for a reality warping device.

Granted, but it is broken and only allows reality to be warped so that goats are the dominant species on Earth.

I wish I could travel to all the countries in the world.

Granted. Coincidentally, all countries except for the one you're currently living in have colonized space . . . and they took their land with them (don't ask me how).

I wish Starbucks could brew a decent cup of plain black coffee (seriously, they can make all sorts of mixed drinks, but decent black coffee is somehow beyond them?!).

Granted, but now you need a constant supply of coffee from Starbucks. This is because instead of needing air to live, you now need a constant supply of black coffee from Starbucks.

I wish I had an Iron Man suit of my very own.

Granted. The suit has a personality that erases your own, making sure that you never live again.

I wish for some winnings in chess.

Granted, you win a punch to the face for making your opponent angry.

I wish for more creative ways to ruin wishes.

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