Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted but they have to kill you after revealing it.

I wish I could come up with better ways to ruin wishes when drunk.

Granted, but you are now perma-sober.

I wish for disappointment.

Granted here is a gluten free piece of bread.
It was more disappointing that you could even begin to wish for.

I wish for more great music.

Granted, but as you are deemed to impure to listen to it, you'll never get to hear it. Guess you'll just have to stick to what the rest of us listen to.

I wish for some hot chocolate.

Granted. You wanted it in your lap, right?

I wish I spoke latin

Granted, unfortunately I misheard you, you now speak pig Latin.

I wish my charger wasn't broken.

Granted, the charger isn't broken, the device is.

I wish I was clever.

Granted, you are now clever... from a monkey's perspective.

I wish for infinite tic tacs.

Granted, cept now they're covered in severed toes.

I wish I could find my keys.

Granted, now they don't fit anything.

I wish I could open locks with my mind.

Granted, now they don't fit anything.

I wish I could open locks with my mind.

Granted. But now you have no hands with which to turn the doorknob.

I wish I could instantly refill my coffee mug at will.

Granted. But you can only fill it with pure lard, and that is all that you may have in your cup.

I wish I could have a decent cup of coffee before work in the morning.

Granted, now you can only drink coffee just before work.

I wish the eyeball badges would stop staring at me.

Granted, but only because they're in your pants now.

I wish Dark Souls 2 came out tomorrow.

Granted, but only because they're in your pants now.

I wish Dark Souls 2 came out tomorrow.

Granted, but it will only have an ultra easy mode.

I wish I didn't have work tomorrow.

Granted, you're fired!

I wish I'd written my essay sooner.

Granted, but it is just a rant on how much you hate your professor with lots of creative expletives and you can't erase it or do another one.

I wish there were new episodes of Dave the Barbarian.

Granted, it's a gritty reboot where Dave's sisters die in the first episode.

I wish to have pet ferrets.

Granted, they are possessed by daemons and every night try to break free to devour you. Their eyes even glow red, it's really quite disturbing, plus the glowing red keeps you up all night.

I wish someone would give me a job.

Granted. Hope you like working for no money.

I wish to be a god.

Granted, but your solipsism's version of god

Your wish has been granted.. except you didn't actually make a wish, so you miss out on all the spoils. Sucks to be you.

I wish my fingers weren't so cold all the time.

Granted. They aren't cold anymore because you simply had them removed, therefore you can't feel them being cold anyways.

I wish that I could be a Pokemon trainer for real.

Granted, but you're one of those odd folks that just stand stock still in some grass with a single low-level Rattata, getting asswhooped but all that pass by.

I wish for three wishes.

Granted. But you may only use those wishes on different ways to physically dismember yourself. So, there is that.

I wish I was more well known.

Granted, enjoy the hundreds of stalkers.

I wish to no longer be sick.

Granted, you are now dead.

I wish the good movies would actually be released in my home town theater.

Granted. Coming soon[1] to a cinema near you!

I wish for a pen that never runs out of ink.

[1] in fifty years

Granted, it has no nib.

I wish I didn't have to fill in captchas.

Granted. I hope you like playing a chess grandmaster.

I wish for some more patience.

Granted - you are now a saint and, therefore, dead.

I wish for Miracle of Goats to be my ringtone.

Granted, but now it never stops playing.

I wish for a monkey butler.

Granted, it serves poop instead of food.
I wish for a box.

Granted, the box is full of bees.

I wish for fish and chips.

Granted, but it's really cold and greasy and bleurgh.

I wish to be casually sitting outside in a beer garden, supping a nice cold pint with friends.

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