Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted. But that one pint costs you all the money that you could ever make in your life, including future money made, every last penny.

I wish that the night would last FOREVER! Muhahaha!

Granted. You will die shortly after, as all the plants stop making oxygen after stopping photosynthesis.

I wish for less work today.

Granted, you finish 5 minutes 23 seconds earlier than normal. However this labour turns out to be the most back breaking work you have ever done, literally breaking your back.

I wish that I had superhuman strength.

Granted, but you can't control it. Look out world, when you sneeze.

I wish for x-ray vision.

Granted, you can't turn it off. Hope you like seeing skeletons forever!

I wish for mind control powers.

Granted but you can only control gold fish and they always seeme to forget your orders.

I wish for no hangover tomorrow.

Granted. You die.

I wish for the fastest reflexes in the world.

You now have the fastest reflexes in the world. Which isn't saying much of course, because the only thing left on the world except for you is turtles. So yeah, I guess you are still the fastest in the world...

I wish I could be a great Quarterback like Drew Brees.

Granted. You lose your legs the day after.

I wish to be immune to all these newfangled wish requirements.

Granted, but you get no benefit from your wish, you have wasted a great opportunity.

I wish that there was peace on earth.

Granted - once fire has swept the planet clean.

I wish to be immune to fire.

Granted, you now die in water.

I wish to breathe underwater.

Granted but you can only breath in the 'warm' areas. Yes, the warm you are thinking of.

I wish for unlimited ammunition for my rifle.

Granted, but your rifle now shoots muffins, at a speed just high enough for it to feel like someone poked them.

I wish I could speak all the languages in the world.

Granted, you are now deaf and blind, so you can't tell when people are talking to you.

I wish for blueberry mufffins.

Granted, but they're mouldy and you're pretty sure someone's taken a bite out of each of them.

I wish to not be cold anymore.

Granted, you now burst into flames that can not be put out by anything.

I wish for a pie flavoured pie.

Granted; shame someone went number two on it.

I wish to have all the things.

Granted, you are now crushed underneath them.

I wish for chocolate.

Granted, but you're now faced with more chocolate than you can stomach. You want to stop eating, but your body won't let you. It wants to consume ALL the chocolate~

I wish my skin wasn't so dry.

Granted, you are now water.

I wish that I could go to sleep now.

Granted, but you'll never wake up.

I wish my headache would go away.

Granted by way of this wonderful device - allow me to introduce you to the guillotine..

I wish to be a polyglot.

Granted.. But you frequently muddle your languages, so nobody can understand anything you say.

I wish I could clear my gaming backlog.

Granted, by taking your games away.

I wish I wasn't so easily distracted.

Granted... you focus on one thing for the rest of your life, leading you to become an addicted hobo.

I wish that TV was better.

Granted but the picture quality is just terrible.

I wish I had telekinetic powers.

Granted, they are uncontrollable.

I wish for a pet dolphin.

Granted, the dolphin is dead. Probably should have asked for a live one.

I wish for some pancakes.

Granted. Why you want cake shaped pans is beyond me.

I wish for cheese.

Granted the are made with the meat of the dolphin.

I wish I was better a water skiing.

Granted, but now you live in the desert.

I wish it would stop raining.

Granted, it will never rain again. You've condemned the earth to become an arid wasteland. Congratulations, you monster.

I wish that humans didn't have to sleep.

Granted but umm... ever read the Creepypasta story 'The Russian Sleep Experiment'... yeah... its a bit like that. Have fun with that.

I wish the ME3 endings didn't suck so bad (even after the EC).

Granted but the new ending is only available by selling your soul to EA.

I wish that my downloads were faster

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