Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted, but you've fallen in love with your car.

I wish for a bag of holding.

Granted, you can't remember where you've put it.

I iwsh for a delicious cupcake.

Granted, but you're allergic to it.

I wish for a Babelfish.

Granted but it blows up in your hands, covering you in ooze.

I wish Captain Picard wasn't so stupid in movies.

Granted, Captain Picard is now retconned out of all movies.

I wish my thumb wasn't swollen.

Granted, Pyramid Head cuts the off.

I wish that any person who spells "Teh" instead of "The" would be incinerated on the spot.

Granted, but it counts in all cases, so you're incinerated for instigating the law.

I wish for a six-demon bag.

Granted, the demons escape from the bag and devour you.

I wish I had a better internet connection.

Yeah, well you never truly get what you pay for.

I wish I was a talented artist.

Granted but you have to cut off your ears before you can make money.

I wish for a cat.

Granted, but it's a hungry adult tiger and you have raw steak tied to your neck.

I wish I knew more about computers.

Okay, but if anyone wants help with a problem that can't be solved by turning it off and on again you're fucked.

I wish Pokemans was real.

Granted, but they're not as cutesy as the games make them out to be. Those animals are the scourge of the human race.

I wish for another glass of water.

Okay, here you go...

-spills glass-

I wish Teoes would stop crying like a little girl after I did that.

Granted, but the water is fetid.

I wish for my exams to be over.

Granted, you shall receive a U grade for all of the ones you have not yet taken.

I wish for a time machine.

Granted, but it can only take you to evil alternate time-lines and it runs on anything you don't have available.

I wish for the ability to jump forward 6 hours.

Granted, but you've already done it and now you're stood as nature made you in the middle of a corn field with an angry farmer pointing a gun at you, and no idea how you got there.

I wish for a 'destroy everything' button.

Yeah, okay, but it's kind of falsely advertised. It's actually a "destroy everything in a 100ft radius button.

I wish these snakes weren't on this plane.

Granted, the snakes are in your luggage.

I wish I could make myself go to sleep earlier than this. >.>

Granted, but you never wake up.

I wish I had a bigger bathtub.

Granted, it takes up your entire bathroom.

I wish I could read minds.

OmniscientOstrich:
Granted, it takes up your entire bathroom.

Dude, an entire bathroom as my bathtub! That's aces dude! We have a toilet downstairs, so that would rock!

OT: Granted, you can't control who you hear and you hear EVERYONE around you, with no way to silence the noise.

TizzytheTormentor:

OmniscientOstrich:
Granted, it takes up your entire bathroom.

Dude, an entire bathroom as my bathtub! That's aces dude! We have a toilet downstairs, so that would rock!

OT: Granted, you can't control who you hear and you hear EVERYONE around you, with no way to silence the noise.

Oh, by the way, bathtub is filled with cobras. Did I forget to mention that?

I wish I could fly.

Granted, you can't land though. Enjoy the stratosphere!

I wish I wasn't late.

granted but you got fired
i want a new car

Granted, but it is a Volkswagen Beetle.
I wish someone would welcome roozie to the escapist?

Granted but it's the Escapists designated madman.

I wish someone would tell me how to get the rainbow badge.

Granted, but it is now unavailable.

I wish someone would tell me the answers to the Doomsday Arcade quiz so I could get that nuke badge. (Bonus - I wish someone would come in and lord it over people for their silly petty desire to get badges.)

Granted but it glitches out your account so you can't post any more.

I wish my internet wouldn't keep failing. :/

Granted, now it doesn't work at all.

I wish for a comfortable sofa.

Granted, but that's my spot.

I wish I was a badass at exam technique.

Granted but it's still cheating....

I wish it was spring for ever.

Granted, the earth suddenly grinds to a halt in its orbit, thus dooming life on this planet.

I wish I had remembered to stock up on anti-crazy pills.

Granted, you have all the anti-crazy pills and everyone will kill you to get one.
I wish I had an unsuspecting van.

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