Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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Granted, but you're one of those odd folks that just stand stock still in some grass with a single low-level Rattata, getting asswhooped but all that pass by.

I wish for three wishes.

Granted. But you may only use those wishes on different ways to physically dismember yourself. So, there is that.

I wish I was more well known.

Granted, enjoy the hundreds of stalkers.

I wish to no longer be sick.

Granted, you are now dead.

I wish the good movies would actually be released in my home town theater.

Granted. Coming soon[1] to a cinema near you!

I wish for a pen that never runs out of ink.

[1] in fifty years

Granted, it has no nib.

I wish I didn't have to fill in captchas.

Granted. I hope you like playing a chess grandmaster.

I wish for some more patience.

Granted - you are now a saint and, therefore, dead.

I wish for Miracle of Goats to be my ringtone.

Granted, but now it never stops playing.

I wish for a monkey butler.

Granted, it serves poop instead of food.
I wish for a box.

Granted, the box is full of bees.

I wish for fish and chips.

Granted, but it's really cold and greasy and bleurgh.

I wish to be casually sitting outside in a beer garden, supping a nice cold pint with friends.

Granted. But that one pint costs you all the money that you could ever make in your life, including future money made, every last penny.

I wish that the night would last FOREVER! Muhahaha!

Granted. You will die shortly after, as all the plants stop making oxygen after stopping photosynthesis.

I wish for less work today.

Granted, you finish 5 minutes 23 seconds earlier than normal. However this labour turns out to be the most back breaking work you have ever done, literally breaking your back.

I wish that I had superhuman strength.

Granted, but you can't control it. Look out world, when you sneeze.

I wish for x-ray vision.

Granted, you can't turn it off. Hope you like seeing skeletons forever!

I wish for mind control powers.

Granted but you can only control gold fish and they always seeme to forget your orders.

I wish for no hangover tomorrow.

Granted. You die.

I wish for the fastest reflexes in the world.

You now have the fastest reflexes in the world. Which isn't saying much of course, because the only thing left on the world except for you is turtles. So yeah, I guess you are still the fastest in the world...

I wish I could be a great Quarterback like Drew Brees.

Granted. You lose your legs the day after.

I wish to be immune to all these newfangled wish requirements.

Granted, but you get no benefit from your wish, you have wasted a great opportunity.

I wish that there was peace on earth.

Granted - once fire has swept the planet clean.

I wish to be immune to fire.

Granted, you now die in water.

I wish to breathe underwater.

Granted but you can only breath in the 'warm' areas. Yes, the warm you are thinking of.

I wish for unlimited ammunition for my rifle.

Granted, but your rifle now shoots muffins, at a speed just high enough for it to feel like someone poked them.

I wish I could speak all the languages in the world.

Granted, you are now deaf and blind, so you can't tell when people are talking to you.

I wish for blueberry mufffins.

Granted, but they're mouldy and you're pretty sure someone's taken a bite out of each of them.

I wish to not be cold anymore.

Granted, you now burst into flames that can not be put out by anything.

I wish for a pie flavoured pie.

Granted; shame someone went number two on it.

I wish to have all the things.

Granted, you are now crushed underneath them.

I wish for chocolate.

Granted, but you're now faced with more chocolate than you can stomach. You want to stop eating, but your body won't let you. It wants to consume ALL the chocolate~

I wish my skin wasn't so dry.

Granted, you are now water.

I wish that I could go to sleep now.

Granted, but you'll never wake up.

I wish my headache would go away.

Granted by way of this wonderful device - allow me to introduce you to the guillotine..

I wish to be a polyglot.

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