Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

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They're both Final Destination fodder.

I wish those movies were witty comedies, but with all the same gore.

They become vastly underappreciated cult classics.

I wish my internet connection would stop sucking!

Your internet connection blows.

I wish to make a single cohesive timeline of every Simpsons moment, including the Tree-House of Horror.

It goes on forever.

I wish I could learn Judo/martial arts under highly respected world reknown sensei Neil Ohlenkamp.

He will teach you on one condition: you must star in the most vile and illegal porn imaginable.

I wish the PlayStation 4 exclusives were sold for PC on GoG.com.

Granted. At triple the price.

I wish I had a 2000 inch TV!

For storage purposes, it is actually several smaller screens that you're supposed to assemble like a jigsaw puzzle with only smooth, uniform pieces.

I wish an eldritch abomination would instantly obliterate Earth and everyone on it.

Granted but Lovecraft is still incredibly racist.

I wish for clouds of blue and skies of white.

BLM accuses you of racism for making the sky white.

I wish Black Lives Matter and Gamergate could better police themselves.

Because of the over reactionary nature of the internet this wish would probably just ruin itself!

I wish for the power of a dream catcher to let me sleep easy.

As you get a good night's sleep, your guilty conscious has you dreaming of how you should have actually ruined my wish, with something like "The extremists accuse public image managers of being 'enemy spies' and nothing is accomplished".

I wish my mom would use the Wii games I gift her to keep her promise of weight-loss instead of wussing out at the slightest hint of exhaustion.

You mother becomes an obsessed fitness guru who puts you to great shame. Adding further shame she beats people up with karate she learned from Wii fit!

I wish I could find that small measure of peace we all seek, and few of us ever find (bounus points if you get the reference)

Granted now every Asian actor is portrayed by tom cruise.

I wish that every day was filled with mirth.

In the grim darkness of from now on, there is only mirth.

I wish Imperium of Man would just chill.

It chills alright. all the way to absolute zero.

I wish I could serve my country.

Granted you are serving it with a side of chips and a light Ceaser salad.

I wish to buy one kitten please.

You unknowingly select the most angry kitten alive; he hisses at and scratches you at every opportunity, peels off all the wallpaper, and uses anywhere as a litter-box.

I wish non-sexual nudity was legal everywhere.

You see more of some people than you ever would want to!

I wish I had mystical Kung Fu powers!

The TV show made about your exploits stars an unlikable white-washed prick who never wears the costume and the pacing and plot are meandering garbage.

I wish Agent Carter wasn't canceled.

It instead gets run into the ground to the point it makes everyone hate the characters.

(blame cinemasins for this one!)

I wish Olivia Wilde was my girlfriend.

Unfortunately, you go on a date in the middle of a Final Destination opening and not only do you watch her die gruesomely in a vision, but saving her results in an even worse death for her later.

I wish Jim Sterling would hire whole teams to systematically reveal the corruption of everyone remotely related to the video game industry, because (thank the) Lord (for Jim) knows he can't do it alone.

Nintendo, Ubisoft, and Konami all hire assassins to eradicate this threat. Jim Sterling is martyred, much like his predecessor, and his message gets perverted and used by the game industry to actually further their corrupt ways.

I wish I could think of a better wish.

You think of the greatest wish in the world; but within the 14 seconds it takes you to type it, Earth is obliterated in favor of a space-highway.

I wish the Hitchhiker's movie was beloved enough to have the whole series adapted to the big screen.

The voice actor for Marvin is nowhere near as good as Alan, and all the other actors just phone it in as well.

I wish for a million wishes.

You become addicted to wishing for wishes and never wish for anything else.

I wish the night sky was more vibrant and active, without any any of it negatively effecting us.

You are condemned to a dome and never allowed to see it.

I wish I could have seen John Pinette perform live, in person.

He performs your least favorite sex-act with a large animal, just for you.

I wish nukes were never invented.

Dark matter bombs were invented instead!

I wish for cybernetic augmentation, and I was the first candidate.

As an early adapter, you're a glorified beta-tester and every mechanism in your body malfunctions frequently, often causing extreme pain.

I wish everyone could adapt to augments as well as Adam Jenson.

Adam Jenson was an early adapter, so every mechanism in his body malfunctioned frequently, often causing extreme pain and diarrhea. That is your future. Adam Jensen, however, adapted quite well to his augments.

I wish my appliances weren't in need of constant updates.

Now your appliances only need updates every 5 years, but they're more limited in use, more expensive, and perform worse.

I wish everyone had perfect spelling and grammar all the time.

They have perfect spelling and grammar, but they can only write bible verses. In Klingon. No more new books, just one old one. Forever.

I wish to always be able to pull the right amount of money for a purchase from my pocket.

BuildsLegos:
He performs your least favorite sex-act with a large animal, just for you.

Oh fsck, I ar ded farm laftir

The money you pull is all foreign currency and not even in pocket-worthy condition.

I wish the Lego Deathstroke I found in the grass today had his legs and weapon.

It immediately animates and proceeds to hand you the most severe, humiliating ass beating of your entire life.

I wish the Nashville Predators would get swept in the Stanley Cup Finals, not even close, every game they lose 6,7-0, and Corey Sissons gets the super STD gonaherpasyphalAIDS.

Then the next 3 seasons they lose a game 7 at home to Anaheim.

The Sissors are all arrested after their loss in Anaheim for steroid abuse, the timing is thanks to corruption in sports management.

I wish professional sports didn't have anything to it beyond the athletes (authentically) performing well; no merchandise, no audience, no drugs.

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