Solve the above Escapists' problem!

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In this forum game you have to solve the problem of the person above you. For example, a problem might be "I cant open this can" then the next person would say "Use a minigun" then go on to create his own problem. Also try not to do any sex or religion related problems.

To start off , my cats trying to kill me with a chainsaw!

Murder someone, be put on death row, be supposedly executed, get resurrected by the man employing your cat, kill people on camera for him, break into the mans mansion, knock your cat down a hole and cut off his paws.

Problem: I lost my sense of orgasm

Try harder!

Problem: I need to stay awake

Drink a glass of Cafe Cubano that'll keep you awake for a long time

Problem: I locked my keys in my car

My idea involves searing hot nails, a hammer, a copy of Amnesia dark descent and several tonnes of jelly

Or you could use caffeine

I want to get into gensokyo
I've been having trouble sleeping, staying asleep and getting a good nights sleep.
The question is obvious.
What's a good recipe using minced lamb?

Moussaka. It's a delicious Greek recipe where you layer lamb mince and a tomato sauce (or a variation thereof depending on the recipe) and top it all off with sliced aubergines, then cheese sauce, and cook and serve just like lasagne. It's especially delicious when served with fresh salad. Or, you could simply use lamb mince as a substitute for beef or pork mince in any dish using those meats, such as spaghetti bolognese. Finally, you could shape it into burger patties or meatballs and cook them as lamb burgers or lamb balls...

My problem is this: I was smitten with a girl who works in an indie video game store in my adopted city a few weeks ago, but I'm moving back to my hometown next weekend and don't know when I'll be able to live here again due to financial concerns. Yet I'd love to ask her out on a date sometime. What should I do?

staika:
Drink a glass of Cafe Cubano that'll keep you awake for a long time

Problem: I locked my keys in my car

For your problem, I recommend a crowbar. Otherwise, simply call a locksmith and make sure to have the vehicle documents so they know you're the real car owner. Failing that, call the fire service, again with your documents ready to show them.

For my problem, see my previous post...

Get her email address and spam her inbox.

Problem: My legs have both fallen asleep, and I can't walk. What should I do?

Trivun:
My problem is this: I was smitten with a girl who works in an indie video game store in my adopted city a few weeks ago, but I'm moving back to my hometown next weekend and don't know when I'll be able to live here again due to financial concerns. Yet I'd love to ask her out on a date sometime. What should I do?

How far away is your hometown? It may be worth the road trip to see her if you live only a day's drive away. If she lives on the other side of the country, there's always bus, train, or airline travel.

scorptatious:
My legs have both fallen asleep, and I can't walk. What should I do?

A find a nice massage works well for these instances. Rubbing and loosening the muscle will help stimulate the circulation to those areas.

I lost my copy of Pokemon Yellow. I have excavated my closet and desk to no avail. Any suggestions where it might be?

I guess I have to post a problem since the last person failed to do so...

My nighbors are annoying, what can I do to get rid of them? D:

Play "Surfin' Bird" at full blast twice every night.

Now I've lost my copy of Pokemon Ruby... again. And I still don't know where Yellow is. Any tips?

Play live-action pokemon with whatever items are surrounding you!

The heel bit broke off my favorite left shoe. What should I do?

Hot glue it back into place damnit! Either that or use duct tape good sir.

The toaster is making fun of me again, why should I do? D:

ADD ALCOHOL!

I'm drunk. WHAT DO?

Drink more. I'd suggest a liquor cocaine ;)
I'm bored

Go buy Duke Nukem Forever.

I need a job.

Murder your neighbor and take his.

I seem to be transforming into a large hamster.

Start rapping. Hamsters hate rap. Just make sure you don't miss a single beat, okay?

My tie is evil and it's gonna kill meeeee...

Tie it in a series of knots. Evil hates knots.

I've got no way out of this room.

Use your Portal gun, see the window above you? You know what to do.

I can't find my shirt, or any shirt for that matter.

Stand in a dark alley and steal the next person who has one's shirt.

I lost my lower jaw.

Here's a free operation to replace your lost jaw.

I can't seem to make things simpler to others.

Explain it in terms that a typical ten-year-old can understand.

My neighbour thinks I stole his copy of Deus Ex, and I didn't.

Move house.

I can't remember my childhood.

Get a time machine, and re-watch your childhood from afar.
Try not to get arrested for stalking a minor.

I want to not get arrested for stalking a minor
get a decent avatar

Just copy and paste mine XD

Problem: My girlfriend found my chainsaw collection today... I've already killed her (obviously... duh...) but what do I do with the body...?

Hydrochloric acid..lots of it.

My problem is that Skyrim is still to long away, how do I freeze myself?

Go to the nearest kwik e mart, remove ice cream from the freezer, put yourself in the freezer, become an attraction for the store until skyrim comes out

Help, Tvtropes doesn't work in my country and I'm suffering from withdrawal syndrome

Withdrawal from TV Tropes is a problem? Congratulations; I may need to go to your country.

My computer is at full volume, and I cannot hear a thing from it.

Go to your control panel, go to Audio or Sound settings and ensure that your default sound output is set to the proper output that you want to get audio from. If that doesn't work, check the Device Manager and ensure that your sound card and driver are working properly.

I have trouble explaining to others the importance of intellectual credibility and existential satisfaction when it comes to a truth paradigm or religious belief.

Use one sound words like me.

I can't seem to find the ending of Portal 2 anywhere online.

That's because it's in three different parts: the ending cutscene with Glados, the elevator, the credits and space epilogue.

This beard is hard to maintain.

Shave it off Blasphemy!
Just do what I did and maintain it by setting it on fire(granted, that time it was accidental and my lips were a barren wasteland for most of my teenage years but still)

Help, I'm running out of problems

Get married, then you get a whole mess of problems.

Help! I want to destroy the world, but I need to know if there are superheroes who will try to stop me!

Actually as long as you live outside of New York, your're outside every super hero's reach.(Almost every super hero lives in NY)

The same Pyramid Head Escapist Memeber keeps appearing as the escapist above me.

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