Mall Fight (Now 70 Percent Plot Fr-You know what? Fucking forget it.)

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Hello. As you can tell, this has the be the millionth time a Mall Fight thread was posted here. Well, this time, it's here to stay. Here's too spoiler boxes for more info for all you new comers.

Now this part, everyone should read. To keep this thread as a forum game and not give it a plot, here are some tips as too avoid shit like that, taken from us Mall Fighting pros. You not required to follow them, but I recommend it if you don't want this to be moved again.

-Don't have your character speak anything other than a battle cry.
-Don't introduce NPCs.
-Don't bring back plot devices from other threads, or any plot devices for that manor.
-And don't be an ass because you don't like someone. General rule of thumb is, unless you're the only two people posting, don't all go killing one guy cause you don't like him.

Anyways, hope you all enjoy this new thread.

Let's get started

---

Connor walked into the mall. He felt refreshed, as if he had just been given new life. He headed over to the music store and looked to find a saxophone.

Party ain't started 'till the nerd gets in!

I run into the Mall, revitalized as if I was a toilet seat.

I grab myself an olympic torch and a decorative rifle, and run up to the highest point of the mall, where I light up the olympic torch that is there for some undescribed reason!

"I declare these Mall Fight Mall Games...OPEEEEEEEEEEEN!"

I then headshot Connor.

Tox becomes on fire, and dies. I respawn in the music store, I get a sax, and start playing some free form jazz.

I respawn, set myself on fire and somehow jump down Connor's throat, causing him to die of 591st degree burns.

I respawn and pick up mai sax, and head off to the supermarket and do some shopping.

I respawn in the supermarket, and get enraged by the large selection of 7-UP cans.

image

I run over Tox with my shopping cart and run as fast as I can with a cart full of Yoo Hoos and my sax to somewhere else in the mall that I'm not sure where it is now.

I start limping to the 7-UP stand, but die beforehand.

I have managed to secretly hack the loud speaker system within the mall and have begun playing non stop metal music and soon after i emerge from an antique store with a large battleaxe ready to smite anyone i see!

I make it to the place I didn't mention. That place being, the IT department. I store my Yoo Hoos here and walk out holding mai Sax. I head off and then hear epic Metal music.

"Hmmmmmmm."

I go to the security room and record play some smooth sax into the mall's PA system, and destroy the Metal Music CD, as the IT department is right by there. Here is what I play.

I respawn and burst in the security room, holding a fire axe.

""Hmmmmmmm" isn't a battle cry!"

Instead of hitting Connor with the fire axe, I instead shove his head in the fire axe.

I then start playing this:

Holy_Hotdog enters the mall grabs a spas-12 with a pinkie pie key chain.

I search!

I step inside and look up the Radio Shack in the Mall directory.

"Second floor, other side of the building."

I head up to the second floor, walk into Radio Shack, grab a four-pack of Duracell batteries and wait for the cashier.

The cashier is me!

image
However, RaN notes he has unwittingly walked into Hot Topic instead of Radio Shack.
"Hey, dude. Why are you buying batteries in Hot Topic? Most people buy clothes and make up here. I think this is the first bit of batteries I've ever sold."

RaN: "Pfft. There's no Hot Topic in here."

Eric: "... What?"

RaN: "Yeah, the manager didn't let one in."

Eric: "... You're joking."

RaN: "You didn't know?"

Eric: "No."

I point to the sign.

Connor Lonske:
No Hot Topic, sorry

"The where have I been worki-"

The door of the stoor clamps down on us with teeth as we are in the middle of leaving. I respawn next to Connor.

"CONNOR! I can't believe you won't allow Hot Topics! Hot Topics are awesome! I bought all my miniskirts and Jack Skellington buttons there!"

The trapdoor of the stoor kills Eric.

"Aw fuck!"

Eric's corpse hits the ground with a sickening thud.

"Aw fuck! Wait...

TheDarkEricDraven:
The door of the stoor clamps down

"What the Hell is a stoor?"

stoor [stuːr]
n Scot
a variant of stour

"The Hell is a stour?"

stour [staʊə] Scot, stoor [stuːr]
n Scot and northern English dialect
1. turmoil or conflict
2. dust; a cloud of dust

"So this guy got killed by some kind of... tumultuous... dust. Allergy season is just plain killer this year."

That was a horrible joke. I'm sorry.

I continue waiting for the cashier, now with a little anxiety.

"Any minute now."

I enter an antique store, where I get myself a bow and some arrows.

I then enter the Radio Shack and fire an arrow at RaN's head.

He dies.

RaN: "Wait, wait, wait. I just thought of something perfect."

*ahem*

RaN: "I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow to the head."

Tox: "..."

RaN: "Alright, I'm done."

I die.

I respawn near the front entrance with a pack of batteries in my hand.

RaN: "Oh crap, I'm a thief."

I go into the local sports store and get a pitching machine. Cut open a tennis ball and go to the hardware store and put a crap load of nails in it.

RaN is attacked by a swarm of singing guards.

I respawn and laugh.

Guard: "Stop! You violated the law."

RaN: "Hey, Sir Vanacore. Sounds like you're judging."

Guard: "I am in no position to judge! I do not have a robe."

Judge: "Hey, I got a robe. And I am in a position to judge. And I'm judging each and every one of you. Yeah, I'm judging you too. Yeah."

RaN: "Me?"

Judge: "I'm gonna sentence you."

RaN: "No."

Judge: "Yeah."

"Sentence him to eat a live goat!"

Judge: "No. Someone grab that idiot."

The guards grab that idiot.

Judge: "For interrupting legal proceedings, I sentence you to serve two weeks in a county-jail. And to prevent you from engaging in sexual misconduct, and for the protection of others, you are hereby ordered to wear this chastity belt."

The guards strap a chastity belt on Eric.

Judge: "This court is adjourned."

The guards carry Eric into the depths of the Mall.

"I haven't even performed any sexual misconduct!...In this thread!...Yet!"

Then, an appeal from the thread creator comes down, telling the judge to remove the chastity belt and lower the jail time to one week.

"Mall Fight court opened up again, any ways, bluh bluh, Eric's nolonger needing chastity, only one week of prizion. Yes, good good."

"Sorry, the best I could do." I say to Eric as he is sent away to jail. I then talk to the judge behind closed doors. What we talk about is related to the fact that he didn't do anything about RaN's battery incident.

"RaN, you are sentenced to being stuck in the same cell as Eric for the one week he is imprisoned." says the Judge to the court after me talking to him, the battery theft RaN still needing to pay for his crimes.

SMACK SMACK.

"Mall Fight court is adjourned again."

RaN is taken to Eric's cell and is locked in there with him.

I leave the court house and look for someone to kill.

>Knife: Be Picard.
image

"Hey, RaN."

I sit shyly in a corner, playing Mario Kart.

I blow up the wall of the prison cell. "DOn't worry, I'm here to...resuce...you..."
I then see Eric's and RaN's inside plastered over the walls.

*Respawns* "Damn it! RaN and me might have gotten along!"

I sit in my cell, not wanting to get into any more trouble.

I respawn.

RaN: "Probably not."

The guards arrest Knife and throw us into different cells.

Judge: "For attempting to escape prison, ten years in jail."

RaN: "That seems fair."

"Haha, noone can hold Knife-28!" I say, before digging my way out of the prison with a dessert spoon.

The dessert spoon breaks against the concrete wall.

I contemplate digging back in and rescuing Eric and RaN, but when I try, the spoon finally breaks. "Oh well, too bad for them." I say, before stealing a police car and running over ShortHairedOffender.

I talk with the head judge, and tell him that RaN has been trying to make a plot by involving this stupid coart system.

He then raises RaN's sentence to 50 years.

I fire the judge and free everyone though my highest of powers because THIS IS STUPID.

---

"Out! Out with you, get to mall fighting! Out!" says the guards as then throw the prisoners back into the main floor of the mall and lock up all the subbasements for all eternity because they incite plot.

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