Ask Commander Shepard!

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If you were to form a mercenary group, what would you call it?

Should we rename this thread "Ask Garrus and Zaeed?"

Ahem, In light of recently released new data (The Extended Cut), We would like to invite Both Shepard Variants, and the crew, to discuss it
here.

Hmm, I guess I shouldn't have asked Zaeed...

Hey, Zaeed, what's your second proudest... OW! Sorry Shepard, I'll stop.

Fieldy409:
If you were to form a mercenary group, what would you call it?

...
...
..............

SecretNegative:
Hmm, I guess I shouldn't have asked Zaeed...

Hey, Zaeed, what's your second proudest... OW! Sorry Shepard, I'll stop.

Ah, that's a good one...

See, I was hired by an Asari government to take down a smuggling ring that was shipping ungodly amounts of red sand into their space. They didn't have enough evidence to move forward legally, so instead they had me and as many dumb meatshields as I could round up go in and enact world war 3 in... Hey! Where are you going!?

Zaeed Massani:

Although, the other day, I did see an Elcor trip. That was... interesting.

Oh ho! Did you see him try to get back up? Was it like a turtle that you flip over for the hell of it? Did you trip the elcor? I bet you did.

Shepard, did you do the new fourth ending to ME3?
Also, if you took control of the Reapers, what would be the first thing you would use them for?

Zaeed Massani:

See, I was hired by an Asari government to take down a smuggling ring that was shipping ungodly amounts of red sand into their space. They didn't have enough evidence to move forward legally, so instead they had me and as many dumb meatshields as I could round up go in and enact world war 3 in... Hey! Where are you going!?

Hey, here's a real question (that hopefully won't be as longwinded, and I've hid so Shep can't stop me), what's your favorite guntype? (Yes, guntybe, not gun. I know Jessie takes that spot)

I mean, the Mattock has a pretty nice feeling, but the Revenant is powerful as all hell. Or mayb it's the standard avenger?

Same to Garrus, what's your favorite Rifle?

Knife-28:
Renegade Shep, how do you feel about your portrayal in the following video?

The back of my face can usually take a handful of bullets before I die horribly and painfully actually. Learned from experience.

Zaeed Massani:

Renegade Shepard:

Oh, hey Zaeed.

I was always wondering, do you get as many girls as Garrus, with how many scars you have?

Yeah, but they tend not to be what you'd call desirable. I'm pretty sure Jack was hitting on me once, but I get a little skeeved out at the thought of somebody who could crush my goddamn bones with a thought.

Come on, you and Jack would make a good couple. Hey, raise your hand if you think Jack and Zaeed would make a good demented couple!

Fijiman:
What is the coolest thing you have seen in the last week or so?

Watching a Reaper rebuild a Mass Relay has a kind of beautiful irony to it.

Knife-28:

Paragon Shepard:

Knife-28:
Self Snip

that music...there's.. something really odd about it...like...it makes me want to cry...I..I....*sob*

I have to go

...

What?

She's bad at using her brain. Don't hold it against her, just ignore her and she'll get bored and wander off.

SecretNegative:
Quick, this thread must never die!

Shepard, Garrus, Zaeed or whoever, what is your proudest career moment?

I brought together the galaxy and saved it from certain destruction this one time, but I just like to call it my average Saturday.

Jailbird408:
I challenge you all to write a fanfiction!
...Are you all busy writing the fanfiction? Okay.

What? No.

That's the female ones job.

image

Don't trace where I got that image from by the way.

Fieldy409:
If you were to form a mercenary group, what would you call it?

"Commander Shepard and Pussycats"

Jailbird408:
Should we rename this thread "Ask Garrus and Zaeed?"

I'll punch you.

TheOneBearded:
Shepard, did you do the new fourth ending to ME3?
Also, if you took control of the Reapers, what would be the first thing you would use them for?

It made me physically sick to my stomach moments before I died.

Yeah, that was awful. I never knew you could get punched in the gut by any other means until getting punched in the gut, then I saw that, then I felt like I needed to vomit out all my internal organs.

So yeah, it was pretty bad.

And rebuild the Mass Relay's of course.

And maybe to take pictures of people. Like Hitomi Tanaka.

She's like that hentai stuff the kids are into, except in real life.

Zaeed Massani:
-Snip-

I'm buying you a beer. That's a story worth a beer in my opinion.

SecretNegative:

Hey, here's a real question (that hopefully won't be as longwinded, and I've hid so Shep can't stop me), what's your favorite guntype? (Yes, guntybe, not gun. I know Jessie takes that spot)

I mean, the Mattock has a pretty nice feeling, but the Revenant is powerful as all hell. Or mayb it's the standard avenger?

Same to Garrus, what's your favorite Rifle?

For every combat situation, there is a weapon uniquely suited for it. That is one of the first things I learned from training with the Turian military, and working with Shepard certainly reinforced that concept. Getting too attached to any particular kind of weapon hurts your flexibility and overall effectiveness.

With that stated, among the rifles currently at hand, the power, speed, and accuracy of the Black Widow is very tough to beat. I must also say that I miss the old HMWSR line, that shift to the thermal clip system left behind a lot of excellent weapons.

Renegade Shepard:

Zaeed Massani:

Renegade Shepard:

Oh, hey Zaeed.

I was always wondering, do you get as many girls as Garrus, with how many scars you have?

Yeah, but they tend not to be what you'd call desirable. I'm pretty sure Jack was hitting on me once, but I get a little skeeved out at the thought of somebody who could crush my goddamn bones with a thought.

Come on, you and Jack would make a good couple. Hey, raise your hand if you think Jack and Zaeed would make a good demented couple!

I don't know if that would be more amusing or terrifying, particularly if they ever concieve...

Renegade Shepard:

Jailbird408:
Should we rename this thread "Ask Garrus and Zaeed?"

I'll punch you.

He's got a point, stop disappearing for weeks at a time and maybe I won't take over.

TheOneBearded:

Oh ho! Did you see him try to get back up? Was it like a turtle that you flip over for the hell of it? Did you trip the elcor? I bet you did.

No, it wasn't me. I doubt I'd be able to get the goddamn leverage. He(she? difficult to tell with them) was walking out of a bar. It reached an elevated spot in the floor and hit it with its' front leg. That leg stayed completely still, but the front end came crashing down as the back end came up. It ended up on its' face and front legs with it's back legs waving around in the air.

SecretNegative:

Hey, here's a real question (that hopefully won't be as longwinded, and I've hid so Shep can't stop me), what's your favorite guntype? (Yes, guntybe, not gun. I know Jessie takes that spot)

I mean, the Mattock has a pretty nice feeling, but the Revenant is powerful as all hell. Or mayb it's the standard avenger?

Same to Garrus, what's your favorite Rifle?

Well, I'll go down a list of the ones I've tried lately.

Avenger: I like the accuracy but it doesn't pack much of a punch. Okay for the odd gangwar, but if I'm going up against goddamn banshees or something, I'll need something heavier.

Phaeston: As with the avenger, it just doesn't hit hard enough. I might as well be throwing rocks.

Mattlock: Ah, now here's a good gun. I'm not usually all that concerned with rate of fire unless I have to take down shields or barriers, but even then, the mattlock does an adequate job with that. High powered for an assault rifle, I'd take this thing into pretty much any situation.

Revenant: This is the one I've been using lately. It's fast enough to take down shields with no sweat and it's powerful enough to do the same to armour. Only downside is its' accuracy, but I typically carry a longer range rifle as well anyway, so I can afford to keep it close-range.

Cerberus Harrier: Great gun. I'd rate it really damn close to the revenant.

Raptor: Kind of a sniper/assault rifle hybrid. I like it a lot (better than the Viper, certainly) but since I usually carry automatics for short range I'll typically pick a more high-powered weapon for long range.

Javelin: Now THIS is a rifle. I favour this over the widow for a couple reasons. One, it comes with targeting assistance built-in, which is immensely helpful when fighting in the dark or in smokey environments. Two, its' piercing ability is helpful both against cover and armour.

Krysae: Recently got my hand on one of these, and while I still prefer the Javelin, I must say that it's immensely satisfying to continuously blow apart reapers.

Also,

Talon: I usually carry a sidearm even if I don't actually use it often because, hey, you never know, right? In fact, most of those situations which I'd never now take place at very close quarters, so the Talon is perfect for carrying around in case of emergency. Also, I like revolvers.

Renegade Shepard:

Come on, you and Jack would make a good couple. Hey, raise your hand if you think Jack and Zaeed would make a good demented couple!

No.

G Vakarian:

I don't know if that would be more amusing or terrifying, particularly if they ever concieve...

I think we're done talking about that.

(Jack, if you're reading this, kill Shepard, not me. Actually, hold that, I guess we need him. Kill Garrus instead.)

I can't read Massani's post without reading it in his damn voice!

Speaking of Zaeed, got any more good war stories?

G Vakarian:
-Snip-

Everyone on this thread is too damn clingy, that's why I take regular breaks.

Also I was only gone for a week one time.

Also, also, I'm a little busy saving the galaxy one fist at a time, thank you very much.

TheOneBearded:
I can't read Shepard's post without reading it in his damn voice!

Speaking of Shepard, got any more good war stories?

Well since you asked nicely.

I was assigned a small squad of my own to aid in the taking of Torfan, good soldiers, all of them were damn good at their jobs and should've been proud of their position.

We were taken by shuttle to that small moon, and were dropped right in the middle of a live fire zone. We all jumped on that shuttle just in tome before it was pelted with rockets. Thing never even got off the ground. I told my squad to get back to a safe position, and while I was helping one of them up, I saw the pilot of that shuttle. He was missing half his body, bits and pieces of him were scattered across the rubble, and I imagine the only good thing about his gory death was that he wasn't alive long enough to feel what was it like to have your insides exposed to the outside world.

After seeing that pilots body, I knew that if we wanted to win, we'd have to stoop to the level of those damn Batarians.

When I got back to my men, I told them my plan. Hit them from the side and force them back into their base, and to never stop moving. I knew a lot of them would die, but the look on their faces didn't know that. They were scared, so I made sure that they knew that if we wanted to win this fight, they had to do this, because they were better then any damn soldier on that moon. I thought I was ling at the time, but I think I accidentally told the truth.

So we hit them, we hit them hard, and with all we had. Lost half my squad in under 5 minutes, but for every one of my mine, 3 of theirs had to go down. We pushed them back into their base, and none of us came out of it looking pretty, especially the dead ones. Especially the dead shotgunners, damn, they looked like red swiss cheese. The air (or lack thereof, since it's a Moon.) was stained red after that. Probably still is.

Usually the loss we had would drag morale into the dirt, but all the men and women I had left knew that we only advanced because of our bravery and badassery. We slapped some medigel on and followed the rest of the alliance soldiers into the base. Could only get easier from there.

We were wrong. The graveyard outside was nothing compared to how many people were mowed down inside that base. .50 caliber Gatling turrets. Ripped right through our numbers, had to have killed one third of all the Alliance Soldiers that went inside that base. And it even somehow got worse when we punched through the entrance.

I've never seen so many goddamn Batarians in my life.

But we persevered. My squad did, at least, because eventually, a retreat was called by Major Kyle. I told my squad not to even look back or I'd kill them myself. And with only a few other people, we took on what was rest of that Batarian Legion.

And we won.

Only me and about four other Alliance Soldiers were standing.

None of them were part of my squad.

And we stood over seventeen surrendering Batarians and other criminals.

I put a bullet in each one of their heads myself.

After that, people started calling me the Butcher of Torfan.

Pretty appropriate title if you ask me.

I did what I had to do though. I don't regret my choice.

Loneliest day of my life, after that fight.

Quietest too.

Almost like the Galaxy itself was in mourning.

Renegade Shepard:
-epic story-

Shepard, ever think of writing your own tell-all book? One that, hopefully, goes into great detail of Miranda's ass?

TheOneBearded:

Renegade Shepard:
-epic story-

Shepard, ever think of writing your own tell-all book? One that, hopefully, goes into great detail of Miranda's ass?

But the book will never end, I do to many things in my life that involve bullets or explosions or something.

Played any good video games lately?

Fijiman:
Played any good video games lately?

Jessica Negri.

I mean Lollipop Chainsaw.

But goddamn, Jessica Negri.

Goddam damn goddamn damn damn damn

damn.

Edit: Goddamn.

Zaeed Massani:

Fieldy409:
If you were to form a mercenary group, what would you call it?

...
...
..............

SecretNegative:
Hmm, I guess I shouldn't have asked Zaeed...

Hey, Zaeed, what's your second proudest... OW! Sorry Shepard, I'll stop.

Ah, that's a good one...

See, I was hired by an Asari government to take down a smuggling ring that was shipping ungodly amounts of red sand into their space. They didn't have enough evidence to move forward legally, so instead they had me and as many dumb meatshields as I could round up go in and enact world war 3 in... Hey! Where are you going!?

Sorry Zaeed I forgot about you and the Blue Suns. I'm not very familiar with your backstory since I never downloaded you.

Renegade Shepard:

TheOneBearded:

Renegade Shepard:
-epic story-

Shepard, ever think of writing your own tell-all book? One that, hopefully, goes into great detail of Miranda's ass?

But the book will never end, I do to many things in my life that involve bullets or explosions or something.

Oh, yeah, about that... I meant to tell you earlier, but I got kinda hammered out of my mind a few weeks ago, and I... might have sold the rights to your biography to Khalisah bint-Sinan al Jilani for 20 credits.

Sorry bout that.

Fieldy409:

Sorry Zaeed I forgot about you and the Blue Suns. I'm not very familiar with your backstory since I never downloaded you.

But... if I don't exist in your game, then... how are we having this conversation?

Zaeed Massani:

But... if I don't exist in your game, then... how are we having this conversation?

The stories of the great Zaeed Massani, whose loins did sprout the Blue Suns and the destruction of the Reaper menace, transcend through time and dimensions.

Zaeed Massani:

Renegade Shepard:

TheOneBearded:

Shepard, ever think of writing your own tell-all book? One that, hopefully, goes into great detail of Miranda's ass?

But the book will never end, I do to many things in my life that involve bullets or explosions or something.

Oh, yeah, about that... I meant to tell you earlier, but I got kinda hammered out of my mind a few weeks ago, and I... might have sold the rights to your biography to Khalisah bint-Sinan al Jilani for 20 credits.

Sorry bout that.

Fieldy409:

Sorry Zaeed I forgot about you and the Blue Suns. I'm not very familiar with your backstory since I never downloaded you.

But... if I don't exist in your game, then... how are we having this conversation?

The Crucible had some odd space magic side effects I think...

Jesus christ, it's been a week since somebody asked a question!
Well, I guess this thread is dead. I suppose this is where I write a eulogy.
Farewell, Ask Commander Shepard. Though you were only with us for two months, many of us will remember them as the best two months of our lives. Your epic tales, your humorous lines and your take-no-shit attitude earned you a place in all of our hearts.
It has been a long and vibrant road, full of ups and downs, joys and horrors, smiles and frowns. But through it all, we have had one constant: Laughter. This was the funniest thread in the Escapist, and it might just retain that title for a long time yet.
Thank you, Commander Shepard. Good luck with the Reaper threat... wherever you're fighting it.

Jailbird408:
Jesus christ, it's been a week since somebody asked a question!
Well, I guess this thread is dead. I suppose this is where I write a eulogy.
Farewell, Ask Commander Shepard. Though you were only with us for two months, many of us will remember them as the best two months of our lives. Your epic tales, your humorous lines and your take-no-shit attitude earned you a place in all of our hearts.
It has been a long and vibrant road, full of ups and downs, joys and horrors, smiles and frowns. But through it all, we have had one constant: Laughter. This was the funniest thread in the Escapist, and it might just retain that title for a long time yet.
Thank you, Commander Shepard. Good luck with the Reaper threat... wherever you're fighting it.

Too long, didn't read.

Zaeed Massani:
That

When the hell did you get the rights to my name?

Renegade Shepard:

Zaeed Massani:
That

When the hell did you get the rights to my name?

Well, remember that time when you challenged Samara to a drinking contest, and she accused you of cheating with you cybernetics, so you asked Grunt to share his 'private reserves'...

Hmm. Actually, I guess you probably wouldn't remember that. Anyway, you should count yourself lucky that your name is all I made off with. I seem to recall you traded a goddamn house you had on Earth to Kasumi for one of her paintings, which you then rolled up and smoked.

Renegade Shepard:

Jailbird408:
Jesus christ, it's been a week since somebody asked a question!
Well, I guess this thread is dead. I suppose this is where I write a eulogy.
Farewell, Ask Commander Shepard. Though you were only with us for two months, many of us will remember them as the best two months of our lives. Your epic tales, your humorous lines and your take-no-shit attitude earned you a place in all of our hearts.
It has been a long and vibrant road, full of ups and downs, joys and horrors, smiles and frowns. But through it all, we have had one constant: Laughter. This was the funniest thread in the Escapist, and it might just retain that title for a long time yet.
Thank you, Commander Shepard. Good luck with the Reaper threat... wherever you're fighting it.

Too long, didn't read.

Aww, Shepard. I missed you too. Hey, have you tried Omegle?

S'up.
So, Mister I'm A Fucking Space Captain So I Can Do Everything, how does it feel having a sister/alter-ego whatever who is better than you in almost every way?

Anything interesting happening in space these days?

Fijiman:
Anything interesting happening in space these days?

Not really. Things have gotten really silent after the war.

It's kind of disappointing really, after uniting the galaxy they apparently all decided to hold hands and sing kubaya.

So I decided to become an undercover cop that plays by his own rules to pass the time.

D-Class 198482:
S'up.
So, Mister I'm A Fucking Space Captain So I Can Do Everything, how does it feel having a sister/alter-ego whatever who is better than you in almost every way?

image

Jailbird408:

Renegade Shepard:

Jailbird408:
Jesus christ, it's been a week since somebody asked a question!
Well, I guess this thread is dead. I suppose this is where I write a eulogy.
Farewell, Ask Commander Shepard. Though you were only with us for two months, many of us will remember them as the best two months of our lives. Your epic tales, your humorous lines and your take-no-shit attitude earned you a place in all of our hearts.
It has been a long and vibrant road, full of ups and downs, joys and horrors, smiles and frowns. But through it all, we have had one constant: Laughter. This was the funniest thread in the Escapist, and it might just retain that title for a long time yet.
Thank you, Commander Shepard. Good luck with the Reaper threat... wherever you're fighting it.

Too long, didn't read.

Aww, Shepard. I missed you too. Hey, have you tried Omegle?

No. Shut up.

Zaeed Massani:

Renegade Shepard:

Zaeed Massani:
That

When the hell did you get the rights to my name?

Well, remember that time when you challenged Samara to a drinking contest, and she accused you of cheating with you cybernetics, so you asked Grunt to share his 'private reserves'...

Hmm. Actually, I guess you probably wouldn't remember that. Anyway, you should count yourself lucky that your name is all I made off with. I seem to recall you traded a goddamn house you had on Earth to Kasumi for one of her paintings, which you then rolled up and smoked.

I don't have a house on Earth.

I was a colony kid.

And then my whole family was murdered by Batarians.

That was also the day I killed my first Batarian.

Ah....the memories.

Jailbird408:

Renegade Shepard:

Jailbird408:
Jesus christ, it's been a week since somebody asked a question!
Well, I guess this thread is dead. I suppose this is where I write a eulogy.
Farewell, Ask Commander Shepard. Though you were only with us for two months, many of us will remember them as the best two months of our lives. Your epic tales, your humorous lines and your take-no-shit attitude earned you a place in all of our hearts.
It has been a long and vibrant road, full of ups and downs, joys and horrors, smiles and frowns. But through it all, we have had one constant: Laughter. This was the funniest thread in the Escapist, and it might just retain that title for a long time yet.
Thank you, Commander Shepard. Good luck with the Reaper threat... wherever you're fighting it.

Too long, didn't read.

Aww, Shepard. I missed you too. Hey, have you tried Omegle?

Whenever I say I'm Commander Shepard people quit.

Bet it's because they're scared of me.

I would be.

I jump a little every time I look in the mirror.

Renegade Shepard:

image

I hate you so much and you have absolutely no idea why.

Renegade Shepard:

Fijiman:
Anything interesting happening in space these days?

Not really. Things have gotten really silent after the war.

It's kind of disappointing really, after uniting the galaxy they apparently all decided to hold hands and sing kubaya.

So I decided to become an undercover cop that plays by his own rules to pass the time.

Could be worse. You could have been reassigned to the position of janitor.

Shepard, have you punched Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani in the face in all three encounters or was it just me? She was asking for it, I tell you!

So Shepards, have any of you seen any movies lately and if so what were you favorites?

Damn, this thread is still going? :D

D-Class 198482:

Renegade Shepard:

image

I hate you so much and you have absolutely no idea why.

image

Jealousy, maybe?

I am Commander Shepard, after all.

Fijiman:

Renegade Shepard:

Fijiman:
Anything interesting happening in space these days?

Not really. Things have gotten really silent after the war.

It's kind of disappointing really, after uniting the galaxy they apparently all decided to hold hands and sing kubaya.

So I decided to become an undercover cop that plays by his own rules to pass the time.

Could be worse. You could have been reassigned to the position of janitor.

For some reason that comment made me realize I've saved the galaxy about three times and still haven't received a promotion or a pay raise.

Just me getting court martialed.

TheOneBearded:
Shepard, have you punched Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani in the face in all three encounters or was it just me? She was asking for it, I tell you!

I'm Renegade goddamn Shepard, what do you think?

dalek sec:
So Shepards, have any of you seen any movies lately and if so what were you favorites?

Damn, this thread is still going? :D

Uh...well, they're making a movie about how I saved the Galaxy. I'm gonna watch that.

Also I'm going to be an undercover cop in the next Blasto movie, so I guess I'll watch that too.

TheOneBearded:
Shepard, have you punched Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani in the face in all three encounters or was it just me? She was asking for it, I tell you!

Punching, kicking, and/or headbutting Al-Jilani mid interview is a bit of a galactic pastime these days. I'm surprised that Pshep has kept her cool around that reporter for so long. I'm also surprised that Al-Jilani is on her feet, much less still working, after that thing with the krogan.

dalek sec:
So Shepards, have any of you seen any movies lately and if so what were you favorites?

Damn, this thread is still going? :D

I am being continually pestered to take part in at least a half dozen different movies, mostly as myself, but one script I was shown required stripping down and oiling up, something about a few hundred primitive turians making a last stand...

As for movies I've watched lately, I've actually been watching classic films from various cultures. An old human series from the 2060's by your calender has been particularly enjoyable. This batman character kind of reminds me of me, bit naively idealistic though.

Renegade Shepard:

dalek sec:
So Shepards, have any of you seen any movies lately and if so what were you favorites?

Damn, this thread is still going? :D

Uh...well, they're making a movie about how I saved the Galaxy. I'm gonna watch that.

Also I'm going to be an undercover cop in the next Blasto movie, so I guess I'll watch that too.

They're still willing to work with you? I would have thought they would have called it off after you gave their star a nervous breakdown.

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