The Thread of Love

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It'll make a great Oscar bait movie.

Castration.

Boys those uh.... boys.... (not anymore) can sing.

Slavery

That whole sordid affair helped make Django unchained.

Cot death.

Helps if you have a second thoughts on fatherhood.

Identity Fraud.

I have a clone, in a way!

Spilling your drink

You finally get around to cleaning your computer desk.

Dust.

Blowing it in peoples faces is funny.

Diarrhea.

Think of all the time I get to spend on the toilet!

Boring books

They make for excellent firewood.

Cockroaches.

They will outlive us as a species.

Stupid people.

Someone has to pump the gas.

Screaming music.

Nice way to incapacitate your enemies, specially if it's one of those songs that starts calm and then suddenly the guy starts screaming his lungs out.

Battlefront 3's cancellation.
Which people are still pissed about despite the fact that it was cancelled years ago.

...Because all that money it would have made would just corrupt the dev and publisher!

Cults.

Brings crazy people together!

Domestic abuse

It's showing love in a different way! >.>

Clowns

Usually mean well!

Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Fun if you're bored.

Bloody stumps.

I can put a chainsaw there!

Unfunny jokes

You're entitled to be condescending to the joker.

Fanfics.

A great outlet for creativity!

Tentacles.

It gives us this awesome thing!

4Chan

gives the octopuses something to use

bad songs

Music be the fruit of life and every good day has an equally bad.

A blocked nose.

It makes you breath through your mouth, just in case you forget how to!

A dusty burnt out light bulb.

If I'm hungry, I have that as an option!

Empty soda cans

Yes ten cents!

Your parents just found your porn.

At least they know I'm not gay. And if it's gay porn, well, at least you just came out of the closet.

Your parents just told you you're adopted.

Since they've been looking after me for nearly 20 years, they clearly care more about me than my birth parents did.

You just found out the internet went down.

Time to read books and play PS1 games.

Breaking a plate.

At least it worked as a frisbee for a while!

Stalkers

Hey, at least someone's interested!

Broken vending machines.

One of these times it will drop double, I just know it will!
Mondaaaaaaaaays

...Is actually my free day!

Already been chewed gum.

You won't have to fumble with that tricky wrapper! sounds like something I'd hear in a very crappy commercial..
Gum in your hair!

Haircut time!

Bad haircut.

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