The Escapist Advice Thread

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Inspired by LRR's "ask Kathleen" segments that existed in a time gone by, and the fact that the actual advice forums are filled with questions only about relationships and PC builds.
And I think that we here at the Forum Games can do a better job at offering help for life's small problems.

The game is that one person asks for advice, the other gives a reasonable and well-meaning ludicrous, malicious or silly answer and then asks for help with one of his problems.

Any question? Good.

Dear Escapists, what can I do about my difficulties falling asleep?

Hit yourself in the head hard enough with something so you become unconscious.

Dear Escapists, how the heck do I get over my fear of talking to pretty girls?

Start talking to ugly girls because that's all you're gonna get (if you're lucky).

Dear Escapists, Every month I bleed for about a week. I'm really worried but I don't dare tell my mum in case she thinks I'm having sexy times with the garden fence again. Please help! I don't want to die.

Try actually stopping having sexy time with the fence. If that doesn't work try using a band-aid.

Dear Escapists I think there is someone in my house! What do I do?

If he's in your house, then that's what I call "free meat".

Dear Escapists, how can I overcome my addiction to the internet?

Try Interette. It's like Nicorette, but it releases HTML into your bloodstream instead of Nicotine. After a few months you should be able to get yourself off it.

Dear Escapists, how can I stop my friend being a prick about his girlfriend?

Frame her for murder.

Dar scapists my '' ky is brokn how do I fix it?

Quite simple my friend.
Just remove your shoes and socks and then walk bare-foot over boiling lava. That should fix your 'ky'.

Dear Escapists, my boyfriend doesn't understand me and I want to break up with him. Should I?

Stop taking the pill, you will not only get a cool new baby (they're all the rage), but the fear of commitment is sure to make him run away extremely fast?

My friends keeps telling me that I'm fat and should lose weight. What should I do?

Tell your friends they look thin and should gain weight.

Dear Escapists, recommend a book?

Read the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy.

Dear Escapist how should I go about getting lunch?

Remember, all that free meat I told you to get. Well now, you can make good use of it.
The recipe is as follows:
1) Tablespoon of salt
2) 2 Tablespoons of olive oil
3) Meat

First, remove the clothes from your meat, as they get in the way and also will soak up the spices.
Secondly, put the oil in a pan on the heat. Then leave the meat to lightly simmer until it's done.
VOILA.

Dear Escapist, how do I get my roommate to stop playing loud music.

Place headphones on him while he's asleep, and blast his ears with even louder music.

I accidentally ate something poisonous! What should I do??

Bulimia!! Not only will it get rid of that pesky poison, but it will also make you look prettier and make your parents get re-married (their divorce is your fault, because you are so fat).
Bulimia, twice the taste, none of the calories.

Dear Escapist, my baby is crying, but I haven't finished all of my WoW Daily Quests, What should I do?

You're British he's never too young to orphan.
It worked for Oliver Twist.

Dear Escapist I think I'm addicted to JRPG's what do I do?

Your not addicted! You have a healthy relationship with JRPGs. Here is a new Dragon Quest game. If you play it non-stop for the next few months, you can get 100% completion before Pokemon X&Y comes out.

Dear escapist, I am currently in prison, waiting the trial for a crime I never did, what should I do?

Plan an elaborate escape plan with your buddies from the outside. Only to find that you were about to be let go just as soon as you got out.

Dear Escapists, I just got bit by a dog with foam coming out of his mouth. What should I do?

Cover the wound with salt and a bandaid. If you have the desire to devour human flesh, you know it's working.

I need a new smartphone, what should I get?

Smartphones, cost a lot of money, what you want is a series of street urchins that follow you and your friends around. They will relay messages quickly and efficiently and only for the small price of regular floggings.

Dear Escapist, my eye hurts, what should I do?

You should go to the doctor and have them remove your eyes; it's the only way to be sure!

Dear Escapist, how do I control my lifting addiction?

Lift more. The more you do it, the less you want to do it!

Dear Escapist, red wire of blue wire?

Red wire is normally the best. Yep, let me just consult my wire selecting book here. Uh-huh, yeah. Red wire is best. Wait, are you defusing a bomb? Cause in that case *BOOM*. Oh my...

Dear Escapist, how do I stop myself cracking my knuckles all the time?

Cut your hands off, how are you going to crack your knuckes if you don't have any?

Dear escapist, what is the best way to introduce yourself to a person?

Murder.

Dear escapist, how do I escape the horde of angry bees that are following me?

Cover yourself in a sweet substance. Once the bees have stung you once, yes only once, they will die.

Dear Escapists, I'm afraid my best-friend is becoming best-friends with some friend I introduced to her. I don't want this to happen. Any advice?

Don't try to escape them, they just want to show you their love. Ignore the pain, after all, love hurts it's well a known fact.

Dear Escapist, do all my friends hate me or am I just being paranoid.

MrCollins:
Don't try to escape them, they just want to show you their love. Ignore the pain, after all, love hurts it's well a known fact.

Dear Escapist, do all my friends hate me or am I just being paranoid.

image

It's simple, invite this new person to your home, tell them you want to get to know them better. Lock them in your basement. Don't worry about the police, they will appreciate your citizens' arrest of a friend thief.

Dear Escapist, How can I deal with my ninja-cowboy problem?

Pirates-Knights. Cover yourself with gold and wenches to encourage them to fight each other.

Dear Escapist, how do I know what is good advice and advice intended to hurt me?

If you're still alive, something went wrong.

Dear Escapist, to be or not to be?

Stop being philosophical on the internet; no one cares

Dear Escapist, how can I be a better lover in 10 days or less?

Large quantities of Viagra. I can hook you up with some if you want- there's this nice company that keeps emailing me about it.

Dear Escapist, how can I earn more money?

Apply to be a drug mule.

Dear Escapist, I think I might have set off a time bomb by mistake. What should I do?

Eat it to minimize life lose

Dear Escapist, what should I do to find love?

You don't need love, just buy 15 cats and worship them.

Dear Escapist, how should I treat people that are not in the PubClub?

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