The Escapist Advice Thread

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You'd damned well better be nice to me others because that's the goddamned Golden Rule!

Dear Abbey Escapist, where should I hide the bodies?

Across the the police station. THAT IS THE LAST OLACE THEY WILL EVER LOOK!

Dear the Escapist, where do I get... "high quality sugar?"

From that shady looking guy that hangs out on that creepy looking alley.

Dear escaapist how do I time my shoes?

Step 1: Put on your shoes.

Step 2: Take a clock.

Step 3: Nail the clock to your shoes.

Congratulations, you have timed your shoes.

Dear Escapist, how do I spell check?

You don't; people always appreciate bad spelling in order to feel morally superior to others

Dear Escapist, how can I reach Enlightenment?

You don't really need enlightenment, just use longer words the added smugness passes for a cheap alternative.

Dear Escapist, how can I better apply myself to my studies?

By procrastinating on the forums of course.

Dear Escapist how can I get rest without sleeping?

Just rest your eyes...you won't fall asleep...honest...

How do I use my time better for assignments?

Cram them all at the last minute. What could go wrong?

Dear Escapist, which career path do you think is best for me? Psychology or Photography?

Psychology, nodding, saying Mmhm and getting paid for it, WIN!

Why are my feet so cold?

I don't know what the reason for your cold feet are, but in order to solve the problem all you need to do is douse them in petrol and set them alight, you will be toasty warm in seconds.

Dear Escapist, how can i get my ex-girlfriend to get back with me?

Show her that you care by sending to her all the texts and voice messages that you can. You can also try to follow her around wherever she goes. Eventually she will see how dedicated and enamored you are with her, then she'll be yours again! If that fails just take her on a surprise getaway.

Dear Escapist, what should my next course of action be?

Mastering the art of diving into lava.

Dear Ecscapist, how do I stop procrastinating.

By throwing the computer into a garbage bin and lighting it on FIRE

Dear Escapist, how do I tell a girl I like her?

Take her to a scary movie! ...Then kill her and wear her skin <.< >.>

Wherefore and Whither art though?

Say it in Mandarin..NO NO MONGOLIAN, DO THAT INSTEAD!

How can I find out the history of Tannu Tuva?

EDIT: BY NOT NINJAING ME AND BY TAKING UP GARDENING

Easy mate you just have to time travel and befriend his friend so you can be introduced to him making and then abduct him.

Dear Escapist what can I do to give up drinking?

Drink so much that you get sick of it!

How do you prepare pufferfish properly?

make sure you write your will and say goodbye to your loved ones.

Dear Escapist, I have 5 cats, is that enough?

No, get angry doggy.

Dear Escapist, where should I look for proper advice?

Turn to the lord.

Dear Escapist, how should I waste a day?

Run around houses wearing black clothing, a ski mask, and wave around a crowbar. It's so much fun! :D

I have ghosts in my house, who should I call?

Call me, I got ghost-busting s**t at my house

Dear Escapist, how can I play games better?

Go on X-Box live and announce loudly that you are new, follow the kind words and sound advice that is given to you.

Dear Escapist, I appear to have developed an addiction to heroine, any tips on keeping the needle clean?

Sanitize it with cyanide before each use.

Dear Escapist, what kind of hat should I get to cure my hatlessness?

A tri-corner pirate hat with a BIG feather.

Dear Escapist, what should my next tattoo be?

((Capthca was first post!, nope, not even close))

The names of the members of One Direction of course!

I have a kidney stone, wat do?

Nothing just let nature take it'spainful course.

How do I tie a tie?

Ask your friendly neighborhood homeless person to do it for you!

How do you steal candy from a baby?

Sedate the baby first.

What should I do in Minecraft now?

Rule with an iron fist.

Dear Escapist, who can I trust?

Trust no one. They are all only in it for themselves.

Dear Escapist, How can I tell the time without a clock?

Use Aboriginal smoke signals.

Dear Escapist, how can I force myself to finish Final Fantasy XIII?

Play better Final Fantasy games at the same time, that way you will be convinced you're not bored.

Dear Escapist, how should I get rid on a clingy friend i don't really like?

A good hitman can work wonders.

How grammar do I?

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