12.4- Defeating Zombies w/ Toenail Clippings
-Human Zombies

Decapitation
Excessive Cranial Trauma
Make Zombie ingest 1 (One) Toeclipping
Use mind control (p324) on Zombie

-Animal-based Zombies

Removal of Vital Bodily Component
Decapitation
Incineration
Ignite and throw 1 (one) toeclipping

-Vampire Zombies

Silver Steak applied to the head
Make the Vambire ingest garlic (Ideally mixed with explosives)
Ultraviolet Light (Greater than 300nm Bandwidth)
Apply silver and stab toeclipping into zombie. Repeat if necessary.

-Great Grandfather Zombies

The same methods as normal zombies apply, as long as they involve The Digestive Biscuits of Justice(p122)

-Ninja Zombies

You're fricken screwed, man.

492

Brian then rushes to get some Graham crackers from his cupboard.

However, he finds that he ate all his crackers last night.

He is then flattened by a falling piano. Killing him instantly. He is very, VERY dead. DEAD

jebussaves88:
He is then flattened by a falling piano. Killing him instantly. He is very, VERY dead. DEAD

Luckily for him, a solitary toenail clipping lands on his forehead and resurrects him.

He begins life anew as Brian the zombie.

"Bugger" thinks Ghost-Brian, staring at his shattered corpse.

*Edit*

Dammit, HbrutusH you got there before me!

Zombie Brian with his super-zombie strength, tosses the piano into the bathroom and turns to answer a loud knock on the door...

It's jill and leon from RE. They had recieve complains from neighbours about the smell.

Brian couldn't care less about them and bites them. This turns them into zombies and the three of them start a zombie uprising.

The FCC finds their uprising questionable and deploys the National Guard and a few Combine Soldiers they happened to have. (All of which don't know how to deal with zombies, nor headcrab zombies)

the combine turn on the fcc and abduct brian

Brian uses his exclusive and handy skills of shambling and moaning to turn a Combine into a Zombine. 'Cept this one is fresh enough to remember how to use a gun.

Unfortunately, gordon freeman has arrived on the scene....

Whelp, this thread falls to an early grave. I guess that Combine thing was a bit of a silly idea.

Only to realize that his lack of vocal talent is stopping him from telling the police that he is totally licensed to carry all these guns.

they incenerate him. brian is dead start over

Brian awakes in his bed. He sees his cannibal girlfriend next to him, and a ring of blood around her mouth. Brian checks his boidy, to find his hands have been replaced with rather less dextrous bloody stumps.

Brian takes this quite calmly until his alarm clock starts ringing, late, as usual. Without his hands, Brian finds he cannot turn off his alarm clock. With the annoying sound ringing in his ears, Brian beings to panic as his cannibal girlfriend awakes, looking fairly hungry.

He wakes up again to the sound of the ringing alarm, and notices his girlfriend is not a cannibal, sighing in relief, he attempts to get out of bed.
He finds he cannot move and there is a sharp pain in his side, his girlfriend isn't a cannibal.

She's an alien parasite and has attached herself to his abdomen, eventually he will be absorbed into her body, and his shrunken head will be all that is left, a vestigial funny face on her torso.
As he screams, she begins to stir.

Then I rush in and devour her toes, for I am really an alien fighter from the planet ToeChew. Unfortunately, I also eat Brians toes and I make my escape, taking Ultrajoes toes as well.

Now, infected, maimed and toe-less, Brian attempts to stand, but finds that his toes were much more important to his balance than he had thought, and immediately collapses to the ground. He attempts to get up, but the pain from pushing on his still-bleeding wrist-stumps is astronomical, and he collapses once again.

To coin the phrase, Brian is screwed.

He wishes that so many people hadn't sent him to the emergency room earlier in the thread, because then he could go to the emergency room, and then realises he has broken the fourth wall. Crawling through the hole in the fourth wall that he has created Brian finds himself in the Matrix.

Brian attempts to read his User handbook for the matrix. Sadly, the user handbook is missing several pages of the english section. Brian attempts to read the Taiwanese section instead..

The Matrix is corrupted by a 1337storm, a mixed cloud of spam, virii, and teh hotness leetspeek. The simulation malfunctions and creates an environment from the old Barney the Dinosaur tapes stored in it's historical archives. Brian notices now that they are cleaning up and asking him to do his share.

Then, billions of pianos fall from the sky, killing every one in the entire world. The pianos are also full of anti zombie gases which disable the dead from becoming zombies. The gas also disolves Ectoplasm, which immediatly eradicates a ghost from existance. Bran and everyone is very very VERY VERY dead. D.E.A.D. Dead Dead Dead. Dead

Then an asteroid strikes the Earth, both inside and outside the Matrix, incinerating all that exists in a fireball of pain. DEAD

You forgot godhood, which Brian has attained now.

He contemplates the destruction below his heavenly form, and with a snap of his fingers rebuilds earth with a Overkill Protection shield in place this time. He wipes his memory, and returns to earth... but gets lost and ends up on Pluto due to lost memory.

He greets the aliens who live on Pluto and is surprised to find that they speak English.

While communicating, he learns that when earth was blown up a single survivor was found near the aliens dwellings. They lead him to the survivor, who is now the leader of the aliens, and it is revealed that its Brians old cannablistic girlfriend! Who is now a zombie!

DUN DUN DUN

Fortunately the entire fing universe explodes in all 11 dimensions.

Brian is reincarnated in the Star Trek universe as a quite cute and very dangerous butterfly on Felucia.

Then, he gets sucked back in time to just before the entire world was destroyed by pianos and gas, and is melted. Then the pianos and gas comes, and also, the universe is sucked through a giant shredder, and all dimensions, Star Trek or otherwise, turn to balls of phlegm. A law of physics is suddenly passed which means that no God can possible exist. Then, another is passed which comepletly eradicated all Brian's existance. He is unable to regenerate into any form, and simply ceases to exist. Then, time is smashed to pieces, so that journeying back and forth through it is entirely impossible.

DEAD

(I'm wondering how anyone can possibly bring him back without simply contradicting me)

"Phew!" Brian said. "That was a lucky escape, that was so awesome that no amount of words could do it justice."

And then he gets a really bad cold.

Sneezing, Brian realises that he is now outside of his universe and he floats by a group of strange people playing Dungeons and Dragons with a chess machine. He joins them and creates a elven bard, who gets killed by a drunken dwarf.

Brian, Al Gore, that woman from Star Wars, Deep Blue and that D&D inventor are then eradicated from existance, unable to come back. Brian is lost infinatly in a sea of silence, and dissolves into nothingness. He exists, no more.

And root_of_all_evil, you did slightly contradict me.

And then he woke up. yes, it was all a dream. brian got out of bed and trod on a piece of lego...