I think right now, initially, you need to feel like someone is really listening to your point of view and that's a bit difficult on a forum. My first point of call here would be to find someone empathetic who you can properly talk to. If friends and family aren't an option, there are others who can do it. Suicide hotline is good - i've used it before.
All I can really do from here is tell you my own experiences with this and hope that you can take something from it, but I realise everyone experiences these things differently.
In October 2016, my body started doing things to me, seemingly out of nowhere. My stomach went massively bloated and started hurting daily. Then I started getting breathing problems and panic attacks. At the same time I went for root canal surgery on my tooth. Something happened to my jaw at that point (although i didn't know it was my jaw at the time) that gave me constant agonising pain across my face.
All this came seemingly out of nowhere. I went to the doctors many many times (including the hospital) and I did find out I had an infection in stomach and that I'd damaged my jaw, but they also prescribed me several different types of anti-depressants (over the course of a few months) as he assumed it was anxiety.
As you can imagine, I was struggling day-to-day by this point. I had a responsible and pretty highly paid job where I needed to think laterally a lot and I was not coping or doing the job properly. Then something happened at work (I think they wanted rid because I was ill, mentally and physically). This made things a million times worse.
It wasn't depression in the same sense you are saying (it was extreme anxiety) but I nearly killed myself because everything felt too much for me. It had been around six months of constant A&E visits with my breathing, not being able to eat much with my stomach and cramping pain, and pain across my face. The stuff at work became too much for me.
I was talked out of suicide several times. I had to quit my job and go back to live with my parents (at 33) - i simply couldn't cope. I was ill mentally and physically for a long time. It's taken me over a year to get to the point where I can freelance again (I still can't full time work). My body has never fully recovered and I never got the bottom of some of it, but it did get a bit better, mentally. I try and be grateful for what I DO have now. I find that's the best way to recover (from the mental part anyway).
Some things that helped me...
- Anti-depressants helped me initially. I'm not on them now but some people stay on them for life. My friend is clinically depressed and lives on them. He swears by them. He's pretty content and is OK with the side effects although it affects everyone differently.
- It may not feel like it, but, usually, your parents will support you through the hardest things. They are much more reliable than friends in this respect.
- Counselling CAN help. Lucky for me, one of my good friends is a professional counsellor and he helped me through some of it.
- There are loads of mental techniques you can try. The trouble is doing it and finding the motivation when you are having mental issues. But meditation and other techniques can work. I admit it's VERY difficult if you aren't in the right place mentally. Especially if you are having physical pain so you can't concentrate.
- Above all you need to find someone so you feel understood. Go to suicide hotline first to get you through the first hurdle, but after this pay someone if necessary. Counsellors aren't that expensive (therapists cost more)
I'm sorry you are feeling like this dude. It's horrible, but I hope you can find something useful from the little I've told you from my experience in this post. It would be nice to know the shit that happened to me might be very slightly helpful to some people.