Relationships, and getting a partner.

Okay. Basically.. I was dumped two weeks ago, after nearly two years (Missed our two year by two days) and I basically thought she was the one. Still do to some extent, but it's.. more or less clear that she.. doesn't want me. Somehow flipped a switch and bam, no longer happy lovie couple.

So, I won't go into the whole everything, but what I want to get at is my self esteem is rather low, and it's not exactly like I know how to talk to girls unless we happen to be doing the same thing. Like work.

I used to be a loner, and I didn't quite realise how much I grew to enjoy having someone to share everything with. And I worry I won't find someone to do so with again.

As a cheerful friendly geek in England who mostly plays video games with his friends.. What should I do to meet girls?

Yes, it's only two weeks, but.. I miss company, and I worry I won't meet someone again. The extent of my knowledge is using a few free dating sites.

Erm. Help?

Captcha: I'm Sorry Dave. How fitting.

I hope you don't take this offensively, but I don't think that looking for another girl so soon is a good idea. If you were with her for 2 years and really cared about her then really 2 weeks is not enough to be over her completely. I may be wrong, but please just think about it before you start something new. It's wrong to use another girl to get over your ex.

With that being said, the best thing to do right now is to do stuff you enjoy, play games, go out with your friends, whatever makes you happy. You can't really care about another person until you feel better again.

I'm sorry if this sounded patronising. PM me if you would like to talk more.

Here's what I say. Don't know if it's good advice, but here goes.

You are going to do a lot of stupid shit in the next couple of months. It's not you; it's everyone going through a break-up. I know I did stupid shit following my break-up with my ex. A lot of stupid shit in fact.

I say embrace the stupidity of your actions. Take this opportunity to do stupid shit that you wouldn't have done before. Have a one-night stand. Go on a blind date. Get blitzed at a bar and make-out with someone in the corner. Anything! Just get out there. It's better to be miserable with company (even the company of strangers) than to be miserable alone in your room. Hell, you've been on free dating sites before. Get out again and start messaging every woman that perks your interest or your "interest". Make new friends. Join a club. Just do something.

I say this because I am the kind of person to wallow in misery if given the opportunity. I don't know if you're like me in this sense, but if you are, don't give yourself the opportunity. And don't sweat her. (Easier said than done, I know.) Honestly, if you try to be the best person you can be and she doesn't want to be with you, that's her problem.

Captcha: Face the music. Also fitting. Sorry, bud.

Hmmmm . Wait , don't rush into anything right now , it is the worst thing you could do . How old are you btw ? I would suggest staying single for the next 6 month-1year. Because what you are feeling right now can really cloud your judgement .

I would say make some lady friends without going any further than strictly platonic ( no matter how hard it feel) .

I'm twenty, by the way. And thanks for the additions. I guess part of what made me wanna go looking again is to.. sort of persuade myself that finding someone else is actually a reasonable possibility.
And the logical part of me realises, yes, I really oughta wait. Rest of me misses having someone to share everything with and cuddle at night.
Mind you, having no closure doesn't help.. dumped me out the blue cause she wanted to be single. Totally out of character for her.. used to be she didn't ever wanna lose me. Gah. And now she won't even talk about it and she's off having a great time partying and going on about how happy she is. That.. possibly makes me feel worse.

Captcha: high-flyer, maybe it thinks I have hope?

I think this may be the wrong place to post this, maybe at the advice section? I hear they're very supportive and helpful towards these kind of problems.
All I can think of for advice though it to try and move on, go out and do something to take your mind off her, hangout with some friends. "The One" is never easy to find. Good luck man

Get big club.
Walk out of cave and find woman folk.
Hit on head with big club.
Drag back to cave.

Problem solved.

SilverStrike:
dumped me out the blue cause she wanted to be single. Totally out of character for her.. used to be she didn't ever wanna lose me. Gah. And now she won't even talk about it and she's off having a great time partying and going on about how happy she is.

Maybe she had a new dude lined up, I hope not for your sake but it happened to a friend of mine, she was just looking for an excuse. Anyway, you need to take some time to enjoy being yourself, when we are in relationships we sometimes forget to focus on ourselves. Do whatever you want to do, be selfish. Be glad that she did this now as opposed to later, you are still young, you've got nothing to worry about.

If you want my honest opinion, the best thing you can do right now is take time out for yourself.

Forget girls until you're 100% reassured that you can be happy alone. If you don't know that you can be happy alone, you're going to put too much pressure on the next girl you fall for. Why? You'll be scared of being alone, rather than embracing that while you'd rather have this girl in your company, you're perfectly capable of existing without her.

As for what you should do to meet girls.. The things you're interested in. Play games, maybe go to the pub with friends, maybe join a hobby group if there are any nearby?

Thanks all for sound advice. Hardest part is just that this sucks. Its my first heartbreak and hit me pretty hard, so, it'll take a while.. and I'm just.. new at this. Not something I exactly want practice at. I suck at being miserable and hate being miserable.

But hey, last year I had to decide.. EVE online, or Girlfriend.
I picked girlfriend.
Now?
Lets go play some space accountants! It is pretty awesome though. The Steam sale helped.

Again. Thanks. I just miss having someone to share everything with, and cuddle.

SilverStrike:
I'm twenty, by the way. And thanks for the additions. I guess part of what made me wanna go looking again is to.. sort of persuade myself that finding someone else is actually a reasonable possibility.
And the logical part of me realises, yes, I really oughta wait. Rest of me misses having someone to share everything with and cuddle at night.
Mind you, having no closure doesn't help.. dumped me out the blue cause she wanted to be single. Totally out of character for her.. used to be she didn't ever wanna lose me. Gah. And now she won't even talk about it and she's off having a great time partying and going on about how happy she is. That.. possibly makes me feel worse.

Captcha: high-flyer, maybe it thinks I have hope?

Bitches and whores bro. Bitches and whores.

Enjoy being single for a while. Not having some bitch or whore next to you all the time can be pleasant once you get used to it.

Just try not to think of her fucking some other guy every weekend.

There's not much I can add to whats already been said apart from dropping ALL contact with her. Seriously. Facebook, Twitter, phone, in person - Everything.

I feel for you man, I had a similar situation last summer, we broke up and there was seemingly no reason and no closure. Don't beat yourself up about it, people are wierd and do wierd things. Even if you think you know them.

No contact makes everything much cleaner. Despite me missing her bad I didn't want to give her the pleasure of her KNOWING that. Don't give her that power.

PS: Hi everyone. =)

HouseOfSyn:

PS: Hi everyone. =)

Usually someone who's been here longer's job, but: Hi welcome to the escapist!! If you haven't already, you should read the forum rules to avoid moderator wrath. here they be: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.112832-The-Banhammer-and-You-A-Users-Guide-to-the-Forums.
Again, welcome, sure we'll see you around :)

OT: Best thing to do is go out and start meeting new people. This can be difficult to do, a good way is to join some sort of social group, like a book club or gym or whatever. I used to have trouble talking to girls, and I find that confidence is the main thing. Unfortunately that is a very difficult thing to acquire. Just remember, no point dwelling on it, or trying to find out what you did wrong; if she didn't tell you, it may not even be you.
Hope you find someone dude. :)

Best thing to do is not to look, it sounds daft but the right one will come to you. I went out with 3 lads before I met my current boyfriend, 2 arseholes and one gay bloke (don't ask.... -_-)so I thought I was doomed to be alone, but people walk in and out of life every day, you'll find someone, ;)

Advice: Do social things, pubs, gaming events, work, college/uni whatever - the more people you meet the more chance you'll find the right one :)

Good luck!

SilverStrike:
Erm. Help?

1. When it's time to head out into the world and meet new girls, use internet dating. Easiest, most versatile tool. Will allow you to cast the broadest net.
2. It's not time to meet new girls.

You were just dumped. The reason you're so interested in finding a new girlfriend is you're looking to replace the daily endorphin boost you were getting from the last one. That's going to screw up your judgment, and it's also going to have you in the mindset of shopping around for "a girlfriend" instead of meeting people, and coming to like those people as people. A girlfriend is not like a sofa. You can't really just "go get a new one". And in those occasions where you do, it usually fucks up dramatically, because your motivations and your attitude are going to be terrible.

In the mean time, if you want to date, or have casual sex, or flirt, or make some platonic friends so you feel better about yourself, by all means do so. The miserable thing is unavoidable, and will take time to go away. It's a natural biological reaction to loss and it cannot be helped.

Don't rush it. Seriously, if you just jump right into another relationship without giving yourself time to recoup after the last one, I don't think you'll be able to put as much effort and yourself into it as you should. Give yourself some time to heal, and then start looking again.

As for what to do when you do decide to start looking again, my advice is really to just look in places that you frequent and for things that interest you. For example, find a gamer girl, if that's what you're into. That's really the best that I can offer...

Best of luck.

if anythign needs to be understood by everyone, is that we ALL have tendencies to be Individual, pack-minded, and peer-pressured all at the same time. it depends on our enviroment. something affected, her, and that's how she responded

(coming form someone who hangs around human statistics like it's decor in a man cave, it's easy to oversimplify...)

as far as women: i know the have their "grind-limits": 'he's nice, but he's taking to long.'
if she was honestly good, that may hav ebeen the case. thsoe women eithe rneed you to amp the relationship or buy an effin' ring!

grind limits: why i am FPS as opposed to MMORPG!

The first thing you need to do is realize you don't "need" a relationship to be normal and/or function normally.

It sounds rather simple. Once you are able to look for a new relationship, as opposed to a replacement relationship, go for it. Do take some time for your own and get back to knowing how to live in your own company though, that's the most important thing to drop the need for the "replacement".

Sounds like all you're looking for is rebound. You miss the company you've had for two-years, and if you were to jump into something right now, you'd end up upsetting the Girl once you realise you wasn't over your ex and just, really, using someone for company.

In other words I think you should just chill for a bit. I was in a long-term relationship that went tits up before, I thought the same as you, I'd never find someone and be forever alone. But I did and now we have a family etc. Let your feeling and head get around this first, before you commit to someone you don't really want to.

Sorry man, but I have to agree with the sentiment that you need time. Jumping into something new too quickly will only end poorly and feel even worse.

I agree that jumping into something too quickly is a terrible idea.

Give yourself a couple months to clear your head. End all contact with her. Delete her number, hide her on facebook, untag all your photos, etc. You know the drill. The sooner you do this, the easier it's going to be. She may "want to be your friend" now, but that's not to say she'll want to be 6 months from now.

While you do this, find enjoyable things to do with your friends. If they're things you can do and meet women at the same time, then Bonus. Learn a musical instrument, or a new one if you can already play one. Go to clubs, concerts, pubs, parks, outdoor festivals. Anything to get yourself out of the house. The important thing is to stay busy.

I'm not sure if you have that option across the water, but joining my university's marching band was probably the best thing I could've done after my last relationship ended.

captcha: too bad

I find it funny to see this thread considering it's the entire reason why I'm here, in fact, Checking out new places and trying to make new friends. I parted with my girlfriend nearly a year ago and am just now realising that the void she left in my life that I've been filling with alcohol is just getting very vast.

I know some of the people here have been telling you to wait, and they are right to tell you that. Rushing into trying to find a new girlfriend is a bad idea, it won't be the same and even if it's better, it will be difficult. However don't make the mistake of ignoring the fact that you are now single. Try to view this as an opportunity rather than an obligation, you're free and this means that you can do whatever you want.

My advice is the following: If you have a hard time meeting strangers, there are countless books and tutorials scattered about the internet that can help you with that. It's time to make new experiements, put yourself out there.

Good hunting :)

I don't know.....be more proactiv? That's just my guess, I kind of see the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing as kind of stupid. Maybe it's because I'm a cynic or maybe it's becasue I generally don't like people.

Don't rush into anything too serious, go out with someone if you want to but don't go rushing into a another relationship you'll just end up setting yourself for disappointment.

Lederin:
Best thing to do is not to look, it sounds daft but the right one will come to you.

Yes and no. I tried waiting for the better part of 5 years, and not a single soul was found. Granted, I live basically by myself on the outskirts of a small city filled with old people, so yeah... not like it's brimming with dates, or at least the part of the city where I live. College groups are okay, but ideally, look for groups outside of school, so that summer or winter breaks won't stop you from interacting.

Oh, and dating sites, so you'll run into people looking for a date.

However, I would get over the break up. I suffered the same thing, and she broke up on my birthday no less. Time will heal, so just go out and enjoy yourself at the moment.

Lock-Os:

Lederin:
Best thing to do is not to look, it sounds daft but the right one will come to you.

Yes and no. I tried waiting for the better part of 5 years, and not a single soul was found.

I agree, honestly if you're not looking you won't find. Although I guess it's different if you're dating men.

SilverStrike:

I used to be a loner, and I didn't quite realise how much I grew to enjoy having someone to share everything with. And I worry I won't find someone to do so with again.

well its important that you remember that being alone might not be so bad it frees a lot of time and what not... so dont be in a rush just kick back do what you like and enjoy! no need to start runing around looking for a new girlfriend...

 

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