Hello fellow Escapists,

Lately I'm finding myself in hazardous territory. I'm starting to like / fall in love with a girl that's probably not (yet) the right age for me.

Don't get me wrong though; I don't think she's immature. She's funny, confident, honest / fair, and is kinda crazy (like me) and she basically looks older than I do. So far so good, and when we're together we're both physically attracted to each other, both hinting at feelings that lie deeper than just a friendship.

Now there's the catch; I'm 22 years old, just finished studying, have a job and basically have everything going for me. I'm sure I'll manage without this one girl, but why would I hold back if I feel it's ok to do it. Then there's her: she's 15, still in school, just got herself a job for the weekend; pretty much like anyone would at that age.

If she lied to me about her age and say she's 18, I'd go ahead with it straight away. But right now... this just feels wrong. So, Escapists. Is it wrong? Will I go to hell for this? Am I the pedobear (even though her body seriously exceeds that of people my age)? Or should I do it anyway?

Note that we take all legal issues out of the equasion here, so do not let these cloud your honest judgement.

Nobody can really advice you here.

Everything comes down to unknowable specifics, such as what her psyche, motivations, and situation at home is, which nobody on the internet knows jack shit about. If she's up for it, and you are too, then I suppose the general rule of thumb is "go for it" though, since what society generally thinks is utterly irrelevant when it all comes down to the specifics of the situation the two people are in. If it works out, sweet, if it doesn't, mistakes are a part of being young. You won't break an ordinary 15 year old girl beyond repair by being in a romantic but non-sexual relationship with her.

No funny business until she hits the age of consent (...and then consents) though. But if it really is her personality you're attracted to, that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm sorry, but with something this serious, not taking the legal stuff into account isn't sensible or realistic.

The most important thing is, how do you know this girl? In many places, even if you wait until she is "legal", then you can be convicted of a crime if you have any description of authority.. that means boss, supervisor, team leader, chess club champion, whatever.

Also remember that teenage girls are extremely emotional and hormonal. Even if its her making advances on you, you could be convicted of a crime and have your life ruined. She doesn't even need to be the one making the complaint, her parents could easily have you investigated if they suspect you are interested in a romantic relationship with their daughter.

The only advise for someone dealing with minors is Stay Away. Having worked in the fast food industry as an adult, the simple rule there was not to communicate socially with anyone under 18, or who had been under 18 while you worked with them.

This stuff can /seriously/ ruin your life, even if you do nothing that seems inappropriate, rumours alone can get you fired and blacklisted by local employers. If this girl is as mature as you think, then the moment she starts talking about things in a way that seems even vaguely more than friends, you need to have a stark discussion with her about the fact that she is a child and you are an adult, and the consequences of her interest, let alone of anything happening.

I'd have to say that she is too young. No matter how mature she may act, she is still very young, and probably isn't ready for a relationship with anyone, much less someone who is far more experienced.
That said, there are far too many factors here that I don't know, and in the end, you should probably make the decision yourself. And my judgement may be clouded by the fact that I'm the same age as you, and the girl you are considering is younger than my little sister, so it would seem wrong to me.

She's too young, stay away. I know you have all these wonderful things to say about her and she just seems so awesome, but I guarantee you a lot of that is simply because of chemicals in your head. At the end of the day, she's just as flawed and fucked up as everyone else and not worth the shit that will hit the fan. She's not special.

Wellll, the age of consent in the Netherlands is 16, so, regardless of your intentions, I think it best to keep it clear until she's at least that age for legal reasons. Beyond that, there are of course social taboos about what you're doing, so whether or not you want to go along with this is based solely on whether or not you're BOTH comfortable with this.

Things to consider include how both YOUR friends and family and HER friends and family may react to such a relationship. I'm assuming her parents wouldn't be too happy to find their daughter dating someone outside her age group, but then again I don't know them and I don't know her, so I shouldn't say anything. But definitely consider the reactions of others and decide if both you and her are okay with the potential consequences.

Craorach:

The only advise for someone dealing with minors is Stay Away. Having worked in the fast food industry as an adult, the simple rule there was not to communicate socially with anyone under 18, or who had been under 18 while you worked with them.

That's... A little extreme...

LetalisK:
She's too young, stay away. I know you have all these wonderful things to say about her and she just seems so awesome, but I guarantee you a lot of that is simply because of chemicals in your head. At the end of the day, she's just as flawed and fucked up as everyone else and not worth the shit that will hit the fan. She's not special.

Technically, all of that is chemicals in his head.

So, yeah. Legal stuff is important. You can go to jail. And have to become a registered sex offender. Check the laws around where you live.

Craorach:
I'm sorry, but with something this serious, not taking the legal stuff into account isn't sensible or realistic.

The most important thing is, how do you know this girl? In many places, even if you wait until she is "legal", then you can be convicted of a crime if you have any description of authority.. that means boss, supervisor, team leader, chess club champion, whatever.

I know her through friends and friends alone. If it screws me over, it'll just affect my personal life. Unless I go to jail, which I won't (read the following).

Craorach:
I'm sorry, but with something this serious, not taking the legal stuff into account isn't sensible or realistic.

As someone else mentioned, age of concent is 16 in The Netherlands, which is where I live. She'll be 16 soon enough for me to wait it out. I knew this before making the original post; hence I asked to take that out of concideration.

TakeyB0y2:
Things to consider include how both YOUR friends and family and HER friends and family may react to such a relationship. I'm assuming her parents wouldn't be too happy to find their daughter dating someone outside her age group...

True that. She said that her parents pre-emptively said that I'm too old. We talked this whole thing through last night. I basically said that I WANT to go out with her, but I won't until I'm sure that everything is going to be fine; her parents not minding is an important piece of that puzzle.

If that doesn't work out, well, like I said: I'll be fine.

Thanks so far :)

If you keep it hands-free until she at least finishes high school, I see no problem at all. Otherwise, although I'm sure neither of you want to admit it, she is still very young and I'm afraid your behaviour strikes me as a little bit predatory considering how much older you are. Sorry.

manic_depressive13:
If you keep it hands-free until she at least finishes high school, I see no problem at all. Otherwise, although I'm sure neither of you want to admit it, she is still very young and I'm afraid your behaviour strikes me as a little bit predatory considering how much older you are. Sorry.

Fair enough. And I see that she's a lot younger. We talked it through and actually agree. It's conditional. I don't want to end up babysitting. Still in recent memory is the time that I met and liked this 19 year old girl that acted like a child. I GTFO as quickly as I could.

I learnt my lesson and I'm pretty convinced that the link between young and childish is not-so-straightforward.

TizzytheTormentor:
Too young, sorry to say, when I was 17, I broke up with my 14 yr old girlfriend because I would feel pervy and I could get in deep shit if I was still with her this year.

Hmm...isn't there a 3-year (or 5-year) rule where everything is okay, as long as the two people are within 3 (or 5) years of age. So 13 and 15 is all good, and it remains legal when the first one turns 17. Still, feelings are feelings. It feels kinda wrong (seriously). Hence I'm asking this here.

Captcha: Less is more.
Really, captcha? Thanks for participating, I guess.

People change enough in their twenties without adding all the crap that happens in your teen years. Also all there needs to be is the accusation of sex and your screwed at least in the united states.

I would tread carefully with this one. I understand how she can be mature, but remember her body isn't and not everyone will see it as love. Prepare to be judged.

To answer the question in the topic title? YES. Yes, she is.

Now to further elaborate based on the opening post:

Legal issues aside, it's still pretty wrong. Hell, you know it too in your own way. I mean you just said it feels wrong. Why question your instincts? Though I suppose it is a plus that in the Netherlands, the age of consent is so close.

If nothing else though, you think you can hide your relationship with her? Because I doubt you can and all you really need is her parents finding out and reacting in ways that are not good or beneficial to your life.

I'm assuming that you didn't come on here to get moral advice about it, so I'll skip straight to the meat of it. She's immature. She hasn't fully developed physically or emotionally into the person that she's going to be, you have. It's not the kind of relationship that most stable adults need or want.

I know that you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you can suck it up and deal with it like the rest of the world.

game-lover:

Legal issues aside, it's still pretty wrong. Hell, you know it too in your own way. I mean you just said it feels wrong. Why question your instincts? Though I suppose it is a plus that in the Netherlands, the age of consent is so close.

Instincts are horrible serious-decision-makers! See: xenophobia, homophobia, and other such things.

Of course, I am inexperienced in the ways of human interaction, love, and other such philosophical quandaries, so I'll leave you to these conflicting pieces of advice on this board.

As someone you was a young girl who looked/acted older and attracted older guys in turn...

Back off. You're in completely different places in your lives right now. She might like you back, but the difference in life experience is too great. Even though I used to be that super mature acting 15 year old, I certainly realize that I wasn't mature enough to handle those age differences. If you guys remain friends until she's developed fully as a person (like 22-25 range) then sure, go for it then, but you're both in transitional periods right now and it will only make the relationship harder.

I'd probably say she was too young at 15. Maybe when she's 16 so there's the legal defence, but even then... I know I'm making a sweeping statement, but teenage girls are fucking mental (coming from an 18 year old guy). In my opinion you're better off trying to find someone closer to your age, but then again, what do I know?

If she was one of my family members or a friend I'd probably have a problem with it. Since she's not, I don't really care so long as sex isn't involved.

EClaris:
As someone you was a young girl who looked/acted older and attracted older guys in turn...

Back off. You're in completely different places in your lives right now. She might like you back, but the difference in life experience is too great. Even though I used to be that super mature acting 15 year old, I certainly realize that I wasn't mature enough to handle those age differences. If you guys remain friends until she's developed fully as a person (like 22-25 range) then sure, go for it then, but you're both in transitional periods right now and it will only make the relationship harder.

I wouldn't concider myself in a transitional period; but she definately is. I've taken note, I'm not going ahead with the madness. It's true that; though she's quite likable, she's not adult. She's not a childish idiot most of her fellow-15 year olds are; or even the occasional 19-year old; something I had a recent experience with.

There was only one way of knowing this for sure though, and that's taking time to talk to her.

Whateveralot:

Craorach:
I'm sorry, but with something this serious, not taking the legal stuff into account isn't sensible or realistic.

As someone else mentioned, age of concent is 16 in The Netherlands, which is where I live. She'll be 16 soon enough for me to wait it out. I knew this before making the original post; hence I asked to take that out of concideration.

Well wonderful, that's the one solid thing people here can give advice on out of the way then.
I don't see how anyone here could or should decide for you if she is or isn't too young if you're not breaking any law.
There are simply too many unknowns here to give any worthwhile advice.
One can't generalize "a 22 year old should/should't do anything with a 16 year old" and that's all we really know, 2 numbers.

You will have to scale how much you'd regret not doing it against how much trouble it will and might cause yourself.

loa:

You will have to scale how much you'd regret not doing it against how much trouble it will and might cause yourself.

Now that's the worthwhile advice I was looking for. The judgements help too, it's true that it's not the easy way. We'd get off well together, but that's just about it. Everyone would judge us, specifically me. Plus, it's a fact that she has to grow up and direct her life into it's adult form. Unsure of how this will end up being, I can't pin myself down on that.

Now, to tell her...

Yes, too young. Run like hell.

Definitely too young mate, I don't really see how she is worth the risk. But then again I don't know her or how you feel about her. But I say break it off.

It's ok if you think its right and she loves you too.

Whateveralot:

Hmm...isn't there a 3-year (or 5-year) rule where everything is okay, as long as the two people are within 3 (or 5) years of age. So 13 and 15 is all good, and it remains legal when the first one turns 17. Still, feelings are feelings. It feels kinda wrong (seriously). Hence I'm asking this here.

TizzytheTormentor:

It's no real problem outside of your teen years but within those years, dating a girl who is still in high school while you are in college (or are soon to be going) and It is illegal for an 18 yr old to have sex with a minor (obviously) Lame but the way I see it, it's nothing major, more people out there you know. I'd rather not go on the sex offender list.

Anyone having sex with a minor is illegal, two 14 year olds having sex is still statutory. Some areas have, relatively recently been trying to change the law to avoid cases like that, but you would have to check your own areas laws.

she's way too young.

It could be you're just lonely and are projecting things on her that aren't actually there, but I honestly don't see what you could see in her beyond anything physical (Even then it still seems a little odd since she isn't fully developed yet.)

I mean what would you talk about? I know my world view has changed drastically since I was 15 (23 now) so much so that I wouldn't even recognize the old me. No matter how mature she might seem she isn't, in both a physical and emotional sense when she's 18 she's on the tail end of puberty and it would be acceptable at that point.

Seriously Puberty is a crazy thing.

Practically, it's stupid to even consider.
Even assuming everything was fine to start with, all it would take would be for someone to find out and she gets shamed by her entire school for the next couple of years, and you go to prison.
Or, you break up and she tells her parents. They go apeshit, you go to prison.
Or, you get guilty, break it off, she gets depressed, self-harms, you go to prison.
Hell, what if she were to get pregnant?
There's almost no chance of it ending well, and it's exceedingly likely that it would go horribly wrong!

And morally speaking she's far too young. Even if you had the best intentions it's likely you'd have a negative effect on her emotional development, and that's not to mention the difficulty of keeping it secret causing problems for both of you. The age of consent is there for a very good reason - it's to prevent harmful relationships

And, for the shock factor, think of it this way: the difference between your ages is half of how old she is.

Yes. This is wrong. My suggestion is to tell her the exact thing you told us (if you can trust us strangers, you can trust your love.) And see how she feels about it too. Take it from there.

Unfortunate? Yes
Necessary? Yes

Eh, seven years isn't so bad a gap really. If she were 18 and you 25, you wouldn't even be asking this IMO.

My grandparents on my dad's side are 10 years apart.

It's not worth it maturity wise and legal-wise. Plenty of other girls like her at your age.

Frankly it won't last. You're 22, she's 15. For the next 8 years your responsibilities and life goals will be vastly different. You will want totally different things. When you're 25 she'll be 18. You'll want to pay the bills and put money away to save for a house/car/whatever. She'll be looking to go to uni or go out with friends. It'll be stressful, no matter how much you like each other, to reconcile that.

Rule of thumb, when you ask that question the answer is probably yes.
But on the specific issue let me just point out this won't last, she is at the start of fooling around with guys and wants to explore her options, while you probably aim for something more serious, so if you go into it as a summer fling and be clear about it then it's fine (if your country hasn't got laws against it that is).