What did I do wrong? (To the girl escapists and maybe guys)

Okay so I'm really starting to become discouraged in ever finding someone and I just want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I'm on some dating websites (it's kind of my only way currently of meeting girls) and recently I was chatting it up with this girl who seemed really nice and really my kind of girl, she's a huge dork, she has geek outs, a lot of stuff in common. So I'm messaging her (now only had two messages but they were both long winded messages, like 5 or 6 paragraphs) and we really seem to be hitting it off or at least getting to that point so I just ask her if she'd like to go get a coffee or a drink and now I have received no messages back at all since then. Now I know some of you are probably thinking I'm paranoid or just plain crazy but this happens a lot! I'll be chatting up some girl who I have lots of stuff in common with and things seem great and then after I ask them if they'd like to go to a movie or go for coffee that's just the end of it.

I know that obviously I'm not the only one the girl is talking to but I can't be that unattractive can I? (As you can tell I really have no self-confidence anymore because of this shit) I know people say relationships aren't everything but I've just been alone for so long, I just want somebody. Can any of the girls here tell me what I'm doing wrong? Maybe any guys who've been in my situation? I probably just reek of desperation like an old 70's cologne.

EDIT: Also I'm not even really looking for a relationship (okay well I am) but even friendship would be just fine but it's like as soon as I ask a girl out for coffee, that's it! It's like they don't even want to be friends at all, I just don't understand any of it.

Don't ask to meet up for a coffee after two messages.
It doesn't matter how much you write~ you barely know each other.

A lot of women feel the need to be cautious online (all those bloody weirdos, of both genders), a guy asking us to meet after a couple of messages is a bit of a warning sign.
Talk for longer, build up some level of trust with them before you consider asking to meet up.
Maybe try start another conversation with her. I don't know how long you've waited for a reply but if it's not weeks and weeks, she may have just been busy.
This time don't mention meeting up just yet. It can scare a lot of women off if you're too forward.
If you've been alone for so long, you might be getting too pushy when it comes to wanting to be in a relationship. Sit back and enjoy the flirting and single life for a while. (We can be pains in the arses in relationships ._.)
I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you physically. Hold your head high instead of slumping your shoulders, I've found even faking a bit of confidence can always help.

Also don't get with a girl because you don't want to be lonely. Get with her because you like her a lot and can see a future with her.

Yeah, gotta echo that...moving too fast is a sure way to scare anybody off.

Also...some "women" online are just dudes roleplaying...so meeting in person is pretty much not an option (a buddy found out the hard way when he tracked down a "woman" he had been chatting up for a while)

Don't give up though. Maybe in addition to online, join some live events, maybe a bowling league, where you can meet women...

EeveeElectro:
Don't ask to meet up for a coffee after two messages.
It doesn't matter how much you write~ you barely know each other.

A lot of women feel the need to be cautious online (all those bloody weirdos, of both genders), a guy asking us to meet after a couple of messages is a bit of a warning sign.
Talk for longer, build up some level of trust with them before you consider asking to meet up.
Maybe try start another conversation with her. I don't know how long you've waited for a reply but if it's not weeks and weeks, she may have just been busy.
This time don't mention meeting up just yet. It can scare a lot of women off if you're too forward.
If you've been alone for so long, you might be getting too pushy when it comes to wanting to be in a relationship. Sit back and enjoy the flirting and single life for a while. (We can be pains in the arses in relationships ._.)
I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you physically. Hold your head high instead of slumping your shoulders, I've found even faking a bit of confidence can always help.

Also don't get with a girl because you don't want to be lonely. Get with her because you like her a lot and can see a future with her.

Hey, I just tried to clear up the whole "asking the girl out for coffee" thing by kind of I guess lying to her saying that the message (of asking her out for coffee) was meant for someone else and in response to my latest message she said "Are you being serious or just deflecting?" how do I proceed? I don't want to screw this up, please help!

Quiet Stranger:

EeveeElectro:
Don't ask to meet up for a coffee after two messages.
It doesn't matter how much you write~ you barely know each other.

A lot of women feel the need to be cautious online (all those bloody weirdos, of both genders), a guy asking us to meet after a couple of messages is a bit of a warning sign.
Talk for longer, build up some level of trust with them before you consider asking to meet up.
Maybe try start another conversation with her. I don't know how long you've waited for a reply but if it's not weeks and weeks, she may have just been busy.
This time don't mention meeting up just yet. It can scare a lot of women off if you're too forward.
If you've been alone for so long, you might be getting too pushy when it comes to wanting to be in a relationship. Sit back and enjoy the flirting and single life for a while. (We can be pains in the arses in relationships ._.)
I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you physically. Hold your head high instead of slumping your shoulders, I've found even faking a bit of confidence can always help.

Also don't get with a girl because you don't want to be lonely. Get with her because you like her a lot and can see a future with her.

Hey, I just tried to clear up the whole "asking the girl out for coffee" thing by kind of I guess lying to her saying that the message (of asking her out for coffee) was meant for someone else and in response to my latest message she said "Are you being serious or just deflecting?" how do I proceed? I don't want to screw this up, please help!

Lying to her already was probably not a good move. Honestly at that point not sure what to do. You could admit that you were lying and that you were worried that you came off as creepy by asking so soon, but then she might very well not trust you in the future. The other option is to keep up the lie I guess, but it sounds horribly suspicious.

Quiet Stranger:

EeveeElectro:
Don't ask to meet up for a coffee after two messages.
It doesn't matter how much you write~ you barely know each other.

A lot of women feel the need to be cautious online (all those bloody weirdos, of both genders), a guy asking us to meet after a couple of messages is a bit of a warning sign.
Talk for longer, build up some level of trust with them before you consider asking to meet up.
Maybe try start another conversation with her. I don't know how long you've waited for a reply but if it's not weeks and weeks, she may have just been busy.
This time don't mention meeting up just yet. It can scare a lot of women off if you're too forward.
If you've been alone for so long, you might be getting too pushy when it comes to wanting to be in a relationship. Sit back and enjoy the flirting and single life for a while. (We can be pains in the arses in relationships ._.)
I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you physically. Hold your head high instead of slumping your shoulders, I've found even faking a bit of confidence can always help.

Also don't get with a girl because you don't want to be lonely. Get with her because you like her a lot and can see a future with her.

Hey, I just tried to clear up the whole "asking the girl out for coffee" thing by kind of I guess lying to her saying that the message (of asking her out for coffee) was meant for someone else and in response to my latest message she said "Are you being serious or just deflecting?" how do I proceed? I don't want to screw this up, please help!

Sorry, I should have suggested a better way to speak to her >.< Lying wasn't a good move. Now she'll just think 'he's asking another girl for coffee, why is he still speaking to me?' It does look like a pretty obvious lie too.

Like Mortai said, just apologise and explain that you thought asking for coffee so soon was a bit too forward.
Tell her you still wanna keep talking and stay friends if she can move past it. I wouldn't ask to meet up for a while though, hopefully she'll mention it first so you know she's ready to meet up. Let her know it'll strictly be a friendship thing if you do meet up.

If she can't see past it, your only choice is to move on. It might suck and even though you wanted something with this girl, but you could just use it as a learning curve for the future.

Quiet Stranger:
Okay so I'm really starting to become discouraged in ever finding someone and I just want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I think the problem here is that you're focused on 'finding' someone. Try just to think of it as meeting new people, striking up friendships and go from there.
One of the reasons people use dating sites is to find like minded people while being able to hide their insecurities behind the internet. So this particular girl you liked the look of might not be focused on the idea that you might be a rapey creeper, but might just be insecure, geeky girls are more likely to be insecure about their appearance than the socialite type.

So, regarding this lady, I would message her and apologize, try and make it light hearted, and go from there. Just relax about the whole deal, don't rush to meet people face to face, not everyone is as eager to jump right in as you are. Get to know more about them first, then maybe suggest skyping or something before you actually suggest a face to face meeting.

Lack of self-confidence doesn't help in any way...I'm not in a relationship at the moment and I'm pretty happy with myself.

Don't go looking for love, It'll come, but don't stay cooped up in your house, ask your friend to introduce you to their friends or ask your cousin (how I met my first girlfriend) Never trusted dating sites...

Well some people who talk to people online want to keep it that way, so for them meeting is out of the question. Also, it's maybe because it was too soon to ask, I wouldn't personally consider meeting anyone until I knew them really well. Maybe your next step would have been to message a bit longer, and then perhaps ask for their phone number? If they agree then you can talk a bit on the phone before finally agreeing to meeting up. It's all about trust really, you can't blame girls for being cautious these days.

Galletea:

Quiet Stranger:
Okay so I'm really starting to become discouraged in ever finding someone and I just want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I think the problem here is that you're focused on 'finding' someone. Try just to think of it as meeting new people, striking up friendships and go from there.
One of the reasons people use dating sites is to find like minded people while being able to hide their insecurities behind the internet. So this particular girl you liked the look of might not be focused on the idea that you might be a rapey creeper, but might just be insecure, geeky girls are more likely to be insecure about their appearance than the socialite type.

So, regarding this lady, I would message her and apologize, try and make it light hearted, and go from there. Just relax about the whole deal, don't rush to meet people face to face, not everyone is as eager to jump right in as you are. Get to know more about them first, then maybe suggest skyping or something before you actually suggest a face to face meeting.

I totally agree. Take things slow especially on the internet. And usually you find these people when you aren't even looking. Just try not to come off too eager it has the opposite effect.

This is why I tell people not to get caught up in online dating, most people there don't intend to take it outside the text romance comfort zone, not to mention you get no proper clue as to what people are like in reality.

Only two things I can give you to chew on:
- always remember that you are trying to attract people and not hunt them down
- explore all options because they will not only yield more results but also give you perspective, all the options there really are, what people are like, what they expect, and most importantly of all what you are actually looking for

Quiet Stranger:
snip

Okay, you need to try to look at it from her perspective. Girls, even introspective nerdy ones, get guys hitting on them pretty frequently. So they pick up on certain types of behavior.

When you're messaging her and she's messaging you back, everything is cool. You're both getting to know each other, feeling out each others personalities. Girls are willing to do this with people because they're generally social. This is safe water for you both.

When you ask her out for coffee, that's stepping things up. This may not have been your intention (but indirectly it probably was), but what she sees when you ask her out like that is that you're sexually interested in her. Logically girls should realize that anyone talking to them on a dating site is sexually interested, but I don't think it registers like that.

The reason this complicates things is because by showing that you're sexually interested, it implies that you NEED something from her. This is something women perceive as unattractive. You have to realize that women are looking more at how you behave then how you look - they're attracted to personalities. Ever notice how the guys that get the most girls are the ones that don't seem like they need those girls? They're confident that girls will come to them - self sufficient in a way. And they're right.

Also, you said your messages were like 5 or 6 paragraphs... IMO that's too much. Don't talk about yourself much, just listen to what she has to say, be funny, and above all be curt. What you're doing when you write a lot in hopes of appealing to her interests or personality is called "qualifying". What you want to do is be cool, friendly, and fun, so that the girl starts qualifying to you. At that point, she wants to go out with you, but probably won't ask, so that's when you should ask her. Don't focus on trying to get with a girl, just talk to her like you'd talk to a guy whose company you enjoy. If she suspects you're talking to her just to have sex with her (or to date her, make her your gf, etc.) she knows you want something from her, and will become less attracted. That's my 2+ cents!

Luca72:
At that point, she wants to go out with you, but probably won't ask, so that's when you should ask her.

See, that's one thing I've never understood. Why is it even today so many women flat out refuse to ask out a guy they're interested in?

Quiet Stranger:
Hey, I just tried to clear up the whole "asking the girl out for coffee" thing by kind of I guess lying to her saying that the message (of asking her out for coffee) was meant for someone else and in response to my latest message she said "Are you being serious or just deflecting?" how do I proceed? I don't want to screw this up, please help!

Alright, look. There's a lot of contradictory advice being given in this thread, and based on my personal experience with internet dating (many many years of experience, and quite a lot of success, including my now going on 7 years relationship) a lot of it is terrible advice.

1. There's nothing wrong with long emails. Longer is generally better, TO A POINT. You want to give an impression of your personality without necessarily making it look like you're penning the Iliad.

2. There is nothing wrong with asking someone out for coffee after 2 emails. In fact, 2-3 emails is about the RIGHT point to ask someone out for a simple coffee if things seem to be going well. If you keep the interaction in "e-space" for too long, a false sense of intimacy can develop that is then impossible to sustain when you meet in person, making things weird and awkward.

3. Lying in an attempt to "fix" things is a terribly stupid thing to do. Have you ever seen Swingers? If not, see if you can find the scene where Mike leaves an inadvisable phone message and then attempts to "fix" things. That is more or less what you are doing.

4. Without knowing what you said, I can't tell you why she went silent. It could be for any number of reasons. It could be because she got busy. Or it could be because something you said turned her off or weirded her out and now she's cutting her losses. Whatever the case, trying to provoke a response out of someone you've known for all of 2 emails is the wrong move. That's where your reek of desperation is coming from. If someone doesn't get back to you, YOU need to cut your losses and move on.

5. Rejection in dating is a fact of life, dude. Don't let it destroy your self confidence. That'll just become an ugly feedback loop where you get progressively less and less confident resulting in you getting rejected more and more quickly.

Quiet Stranger:
snip

Have you tried speed-dating?

Online i a difficult one, girls are (quite rightly) worried online and if you're moving for a meet after two messages that is a serious warning sign in anybodies eyes. You need to try and develop rapport before moving for meeting. That's basically all you're doing that isn't right.

Really though, speed dating, if you can't join, one in your age group start one. Meet some girls in person, ask them polite questions and get to know some knew people. If nothing else, you'll probably pick up some friends. you don't have to worry as much about the desperation, everything moves so fast anyway and if you can keep calm, and let them move on to other guys but tick them off on your chart you'll stand a better chance of making it ot the coffee stage.

Good luck

Have you tried non-internet dating lately? Like, joining clubs or groups for hobbies you like, and trying to meet women there? Meeting over a hobby, and in person, gives you something in common and starts the situation out with a nontrivial amount of trust.

I've gotten around most rejections by basically picking my men from my pool of friends. You already have a rapport with your friends, and you have had plenty of time to figure out whether you'd make at least a passable couple. Then again, that doesn't work so much if you don't have many friends of the gender you'd like to date, or if you've already ruled them out or dated which ones of them you'd choose.

Re: lying to the girl, trust me when I say that lots of women have social Spidey Senses. You're not fooling anyone. She's being nice by asking if you were deflecting or not, and you're digging your hole really deep. Right now, the answer you should give her, is some kind of truthful admission that you're really awkward about this and you didn't want to drive her away, or some such thing. Any more lies or cover-ups will just sink you. If you get lucky there, she'll think your bumbling attempt is adorable (hey, I like derpy guys sometimes), and will give you another shot. Otherwise, move on.

Note that girls can also smell desperation from a mile away. There is a nice zone where your efforts and initiative are cute/attractive/awesome, but go too far and you look like you're throwing yourself at anyone who might work. If you really want a girl that bad, the solution is to chill out a bit so that even if you're looking for your One True Love right *now*, you won't trip her sensors. It's a stealth game; you have to get past the guards first.

Also, to all the people in the world that are like, "Why hasn't he/she contacted me?!," ...some people just are slow to respond. If it has been a few days, give it time. If it has been two or three weeks, okay, yeah, you might want to consider that the person has moved on. You don't know if he/she has suffered an accident, gotten sick, had serious work crunch time and stayed late, etc.

 

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