I love her, but I'm not happy anymore.

Wanted to start of by saying thanks for clicking on my thread. It's not a fun topic to discuss and I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me out. I'll make it as short as I can.

Edit: Yeah... that was not short at all. I'm very sorry. Look at the last 2 paragraphs for a short summary(ish).

I have been dating this girl for almost 4 years now. We started out as friends in high school and gradually came to like each other; but we've had problems since the beginning. To start, I was currently seeing someone else when our feelings started to develop, which led to lot's of fights between me and my (now ex) girlfriend, me and her (current girlfriend), my girlfriend (ex) and her (current), and to make things worse, lots of friends took sides. This went of for months and it tore me up. However, it passed and I ended up with my current girlfriend while several friendships vanished.

After that first drama, things started looking up. The friends I still had were happy with me, my girlfriend and I were having a great time together, and my parents seemed happy to see me out of the mess I was in.

That was the summer of my senior year... then, I moved away for university. I had initially broken up with her because I didn't think I could handle another long distance relationship, even though she wanted to try it out. We stayed friends for a while, talking every day or so and we really supported one another with our new lives. But one day I felt she completely betrayed me by revealing a secret I had told her some time ago. A secret that I had shared with her because I loved her, and that I only shared with her. That led to trouble.

You see I am very patient and very hard to anger, but once I'm there, I throw everything else away. I stopped talking to her for months, even though I felt miserable without her, and friends told me she missed me too. I know, I acted like a spoiled brat; but I really felt like she wanted to hurt me and I responded by hurting both of us. It was wrong, but it was the truth.

I saw her next about 6 months later when I went home for vacations. We talked about what had happened and why I reacted so violently to the situation and eventually both broke down in tears. I promised I wouldn't be as childish with her ever again and we started hanging out as friends again. I went back to university about a week later. That same year, when I was visiting home again for a break, she told me she still loved me and wanted to try things out with me. Long distance relationships don't work people. But I'm an idiot, a romantic, a sucker even, and knowing that this relationship would only hurt us both, I gave in to the girl I had loved most in my life and said yes.

It's been almost 3 years from that point. And we've had our problems, broken up and gotten back together more than once. But it seems we're always either getting back together or fighting over something completely ridiculous. We've both grown a bit insecure about the relationship because of friends of the opposite sex the other has and regularly take out the frustration of being so far apart from each other by fighting about the silliest things (latest one was me asking if she was going out on Friday, to which she snapped that she didn't need to be popular, and that if I wanted a popular girlfriend I should find another).

But we also fight about important stuff. Or relationship ending stuff if you may. One of the many is our insecurity with our relationship. Another would be that she constantly feels I don't love her, or don't need her (this fight happens a lot. A LOT). And many other's I don't think I need to illustrate to you. Or more like I feel uncomfortable sharing.

Don't get me wrong. I still feel a lot for her. I think shes a beautiful person that cares a lot for me and others. She's smart, loving, hard working. In fact I don't think I've ever met anyone better. But I've come to the point where I don't know if I with her because of that... Because I'm scared of not finding anyone else, or anyone near as wonderful as her.

There also is the fact that my family no longer sees her as someone they want for me. In fact my mother may as well hate her. And while I know that shouldn't affect my decision much, I love my family and I don't want to spend my life between two women hating each other.

I'm sorry, I know this is long. I'll get to it.

After everything that's happened. After all the fights and the breakups and makeups, I don't know if its worth it. I've become unhappy, but I don't know if its her, me, or the distance. I hurt every night. I feel like I'm giving everything I am but at the end of the day I feel alone in every aspect of the word. Every time I say "I love you" I feel a knot in my throat, like its wrong and every time she says it I feel like I'm betraying her. Is it wrong of me to stay with her?

I feel like I can't tell her because if I do she might get scared and call it off herself; so I've come to you, in hopes of help and insight.

Thanks for sticking with me. I'm sorry for taking your time. If you need anymore detail, or have any questions, please tell me, I'll respond as soon as I can.

Thank you again.

Sounds like a very complicated situation. Seeing as you aren't happy anymore and the relationship is giving you more stress than joy at this point you might have to break it off with her. I know that is easier said than done.

Although it might sound selfish, if you are staying with her or trying to work it out to avoid hurting her this is just asking for trouble later on.

Really doesn't seem like the relationship would work. Also, don't stick around in a unhappy situation because you fear you will never find someone else as good as her. You don't know this, and staying in this relationship or trying to work it out might cause you to miss a better relationship with someone else that would work.

I know some things I've said seem callous. Even though you made a rather lengthy post describing the situation it is very complex and there is still a lot of dynamics you can't really put into words.

I hope things get better and you are able to resolve this predicament whichever way you think is best.

I'm really sorry to say this but it does sound like a relationship that is doomed to failure. Breaking up and getting together so often sounds really painful and if it's happened this many times it will probably happen again. I've never seen a relationship that was given a second chance working out. People are always bitter and resentful about the initial break up and the problems that led to it rarely go away, even if you try to forget or ignore or overcome the issues. Sometimes people end up staying together for convenience or fear of not finding better, but by this point a lot of the love and trust essential to a healthy relationship has deteriorated. Every relationship has problems and everyone fights, but this seems a bit out of hand. It would be best to just break it off permanently so both of you can move on with your lives.

I know breaking it off with someone you've known for a long time is scary. You might even feel guilty knowing that friendships were broken by the two of you getting together. But honestly, even being single has to be better than this? If you're patient you're bound to find someone who you can love and who loves you back without the constant heart-wrenching arguments, and you'll recognise this relationship for the disaster that it was.

Sorry if that last bit sounded a bit harsh. Given the information in your post (it wasn't too long, don't worry) this is my honest opinion. That said, I only know what is in your post and not the full details of the situation. Only you can decide how you want to proceed.

You're young. Young enough that you shouldn't be trying to grizz it out with someone who is making you unhappy.

Truth is that it sounds like you're terrified of having to go out and find someone else. Which should not be the case. There are other women out there - you may not think it, you may find yourself in several relationships before you find someone who you actually realise is perfect for you.

As I say, you're young enough that you don't have to worry about being old and alone without this woman, and you certainly can't continue to be with someone who is causing you so much grief - the longer you try to carry on as you are, the more damage you're doing to yourself, and her for that matter.

Funnily enough, I've been in a similar situation, I still love the girl in question, and very few weeks go by where I don't wish I was still with her and my life had gone a different direction, but ultimately I'm happy with my current lass, and the "one that got away" would undoubtedly have made me miserable in the long run.

Stu35:

Truth is that it sounds like you're terrified of having to go out and find someone else. Which should not be the case. There are other women out there - you may not think it, you may find yourself in several relationships before you find someone who you actually realise is perfect for you.

Well, I'm going to nitpick here and say, you might also not find someone anytime soon, but do not fret, because there's nothing wrong with not being in a relationship. That's the first thing to learn, that being single isn't a bad thing, merely a different thing. Plus, you have more time for yourself.

In all honesty I think you should leave her. I know it's a scary thing to do, but if you truly aren't happy, and you don't sound it at all, then you should leave rather than just carry on. Your girlfriend will catch on that you don't feel happy anymore.

Don't be terrified of not finding someone else. Remember that being single is not a bad thing. Not bad at all. You will find someone else eventually. Not right away, it's not good to find someone else right away, that could lead to a bad relationship. But you will one day.

azzair:
Snip

I don't think that going straight ahead and breaking it off is a good idea. If you do that you'll only be left wondering and then want to get back with her.

Ignore your mother for the time being, it is none of her business who you love and she will get used to whoever you choose.

The only way relationships thrive is through honesty, I think you need to have a rational conversation about this. She needs to know that you love her, but she's pushing you away. However, you first need to be clear to yourself about what you want. All the stepping on eggshells is no good for either of you, you need to take action and if ultimately that means the end of the relationship, then so be it. It's a risk worth taking in the long term.

Remember that time heals all wounds, or at least most of them, and you shouldn't be afraid of her reaction to your feelings. Breaking up with this girl wouldn't mean the end of the world, even though it may feel like it at the time.

I'm going to agree with everyone else (great advice all around too). Long Distance, and High School relationships, more often than not don't work out.

It really seems like you're both in a trap, and you both want out but you feel that you're obligated to stick it out. Well, really, you're not...and you shouldn't if you're not happy.

You sound very confident that you're not happy, and I don't think she's happy either. Consider that if you break it off, you both might find more happiness with other people. And isn't that what love is really about, letting someone be happy for themselves and live happy lives? You're not hurting her or yourself by facing the truth.

And if you do break up, consider that you can still be good friends (or BFF, why not right?). You can still love her and care about her and vice versa, but in a different way...and arguably a better way.

Here's my advice, sit down and evaluate your situation. Try to pinpoint why you are unhappy now, if possible. Ending the relationship on uncertain terms will not only leave you gasping for answers later, but it will potentially ruin any chances you have with her in the future should you want any. If you are going to act on feelings, always make sure they're accurate and true. That's my way of doing things! If you can figure out why you are unhappy, you can then act accordingly, with a core sense of certainty on what you can do, what your options are, etc. It's also better for her, because if you do have to break up with her, it will be for a honest, true reason that you gave legitimate thought to.

If it's:

The Distance, then this ones obvious. Long distance is a very hard road to go down. I tried it once, it was rough like asphalt. If this is the cause of your unhappiness, you might need to let her go. Sometimes, you can love someone with all of your being but circumstances just won't allow you to be happy. Accepting that and moving on would be hard, but it would be better for both of you in the end.

Now if the issues are from your end or hers, then you guys should get together and talk about them. Whether that be over the phone, Skype, or when you go on vacation. It might be possible to work something out and reach a middle ground, but the bottom line is if you're unhappy, the relationship won't really get to a better place. Happiness is a 2 way street, and both people need to be on it for anything to happen.

I hope this helps! :)

From where I'm sitting, I'm not entirely sure you're so much looking to decide whether or not to continue this relationship as looking for affirmation that it's okay to break off this relationship.

And from what I can see- admittedly as a stranger who may not know all the angles- it might be for the best.

She may well be a wonderful person, as might you. Sometimes wonderful people are still just not right for one another, or have weaknesses or blind spots that compound one another's worst sides. Sometimes bad circumstances create wounds that just don't heal properly. It may well be that the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for her is to allow both of you to move on to other relationships.

I'm sorry you're in a tough spot; I hope you can talk things out with her and find out what you both really want. Good luck.

Just tell her everything you have told us and try and talk it out, see if you can make adjustments to make you happy again or at least end it on friendly terms. That's just my advice though, the decision is up to you.

 

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