So, break ups

Sorry if this is old hat to you folks or if I come across as pathetic.

Basically, my girlfriend of nearly three years (three in November) broke up with me a few days ago. We hadn't been all that good for a while, and in the back of my mind it all seemed inevitable, but it didn't stop hearing "I don't love you anymore." from hurting.

I'd been with the girl since high school, and she was a permanent fixture of my life. I admit, after I dropped out of university I didn't really have much of a life apart from her, which I realise is unhealthy. We share basically 100% of our friends, too.

I don't really know what to do, is what I'm getting at. These last few days I've been angry with her, with the emotionless way she said everything when she broke up with me and the way she basically ignored my existence in the several weeks leading up to it.

Unfortunately, however, some small changes in my actions that I've noticed make me predict that in a few days I'll be a hopeless, pathetic mess.

How do you get over this? How do you move on from this kind of thing? I'm not looking forward to the coming days when I predict I'll break down, but I don't suppose there's a way around it.

Also, another question. The hell do I do with the stuff I've gotten from her? Pictures drawn for me with notes written on the back, a pair of dogtags on a chain with shit relevant to us carved on them, etc.

Sorry for the rant.

I'm so sorry to hear that :( You don't come across as pathetic at all, and don't apologise for ranting, it's good to let the emotions out.

My advice is to let it all out, but keep yourself busy. Play games, read books, watch movies, do whatever you can. Don't predict that you are going to break down. I know it's a horrible thing to go through, but let it all out, but don't predict you will break down or that is what will happen. If you have any friends that you don't share, talk to them, hang around with them. You are allowed to be angry and emotional for a while, that's just natural really. Don't apologise for the rant, it's good to get it out, especially if she acted like that for weeks before your break up.

As for what you do with all the stuff, well, you could throw it all out if you wanted and when you feel up to it. Sell it if anything is sellable. Do what you feel like doing most with them.

Time can solve most wounds. It will take you a long time to get over it possibly, since she was that important to you. For now, just let it all out. Try and keep yourself busy, but if you catch yourself thinking of it, don't be afraid to let it out, if that makes sense.

I've had two long term (two years long) boyfriends and the way break ups seem to go with me is this:

A few weeks of feeling totally miserable. Lots and lots of crying. I recommend you get a couple of rolls of toilet paper to put next to your bed and don't be afraid to let it all out.
Start off hiding from the world, emerge to whine to your friends and family about how shitty everything is. Depending on how supportive your friends/family are, and how much you've discussed your relationship with them in the past, it can really help when you have a third party pointing out that you clearly weren't that happy in the end anyway and it's all for the best.
As you share friends, probably best keep this with your family, or at most the friends that are definitely much more your friends than hers. I also shared all my friends with my first boyfriend, you have to respect that it's hard for them to be caught in the middle.

A few months of being angry. Remembering all the awful things they've done, hating them for the uncaring way they broke it off. Only focusing on the annoying or dickish things about their personality. Be aware that you may be coming out with some sarcastic, passive aggressive comments about them whenever you can get away with it. It's good to get it off your chest, again be careful around your mutual friends.

Then... you just start to get bored. You get sick of hearing yourself whine about it. You get sick of thinking about them. You remember there's other stuff in your life for you to be getting on with, interesting people out there for you to meet. You start enjoying yourself again and leave that crap behind you.

And after a few months of feeling okay again, it starts to be safe to have them in your life as a friend again. It will never be completely comfortable, you're unlikely to be best mates or talk all the time, but at least it's not awkward or upsetting to hang out with them and your mutual friends. You were important to each other and unless something really shitty happened, you're likely to stay fond of each other.

For this last reason, I'd recommend not throwing out the things she's given to you. Hide them away so you can't look at them. Put them in your attic, or maybe see if your parents will shove them in their closet for half a year. When the bitterness and anger is over you may want to keep them for the memories, or you may feel that they're not relevant and decide to throw them away anyway (which is what I did), but don't throw them out when you're feeling like this because you may regret it when this passes.

Bernzz:
How do you get over this? How do you move on from this kind of thing? I'm not looking forward to the coming days when I predict I'll break down, but I don't suppose there's a way around it.

Also, another question. The hell do I do with the stuff I've gotten from her? Pictures drawn for me with notes written on the back, a pair of dogtags on a chain with shit relevant to us carved on them, etc.

Time heals all wounds. There is no other way to deal with grief than to grieve. You will eventually feel better. One day you'll wake up and it won't hurt as much, and eventually you'll wake up and it won't hurt at all. Break ups can be traumatizing, but everyone goes through them, and they seldom leave deep scars.

The most important thing is to make sure you head it off if it looks like this is kickstarting a clinical depression, which you're prone to anyways if you're in your late teens/early 20's (and I rather suspect you are).

Some essential post-breakup viewing for guys:

500 Days of Summer (for realizing that sometimes people who seem perfect for us aren't)
Swingers (for realizing the mopey pain you're experiencing is universal, and will pass)
High Fidelity (for realizing that sometimes the problem is you, and cleaning up your act)

Plus all three are just awesome movies, and will make you feel good because they are awesome.

PS - On the subject of your GF and how she ended things, she was probably just trying to keep it as non-emotional as possible so she could get through it quickly and painlessly. I've been dumped in similar fashion, and I've dumped girls in similar fashion, and I can attest that even when you're doing the dumping it's an extremely unpleasant experience and you're really trying to make it out alive without feeling like the biggest shitheel that ever walked the earth. Since you guys share friends, I highly recommend trying to deal with this as quietly and gracefully as possible, without hurling any recrimination at your GF, or making a scene. As a historical scene maker myself, I can assure you nothing good ever comes of it, and all you'll be left with is some highly embarrassing memories years later.

Sorry to hear that bro.

I used copious amounts of booze as a local anesthetic. That went on for about a month and then I did a couple of video game binges and finally got through it.

Bernzz:
Sorry if this is old hat to you folks or if I come across as pathetic.

Basically, my girlfriend of nearly three years (three in November) broke up with me a few days ago. We hadn't been all that good for a while, and in the back of my mind it all seemed inevitable, but it didn't stop hearing "I don't love you anymore." from hurting.

I'd been with the girl since high school, and she was a permanent fixture of my life. I admit, after I dropped out of university I didn't really have much of a life apart from her, which I realise is unhealthy. We share basically 100% of our friends, too.

I don't really know what to do, is what I'm getting at. These last few days I've been angry with her, with the emotionless way she said everything when she broke up with me and the way she basically ignored my existence in the several weeks leading up to it.

Unfortunately, however, some small changes in my actions that I've noticed make me predict that in a few days I'll be a hopeless, pathetic mess.

How do you get over this? How do you move on from this kind of thing? I'm not looking forward to the coming days when I predict I'll break down, but I don't suppose there's a way around it.

Also, another question. The hell do I do with the stuff I've gotten from her? Pictures drawn for me with notes written on the back, a pair of dogtags on a chain with shit relevant to us carved on them, etc.

Sorry for the rant.

Moving on from this will be difficult. It's important to find a way to let your feelings out. Do you have a friend you can vent on? Preferably one who won't take sides in the matter? Telling a friend how you feel is great, but it can backfire pretty bad if they are close enough to your ex that they will find out what you said. That usually makes things worse. If no one comes to mind, try writing down how you feel or playing video games/sports. The point of this is to get your feelings out of your system on a daily basis so you don't break down or crumble under your feelings.

Focus on your life at the same time. If you work, occupy yourself with that. Don't do things that might stress you out if you can help it. Spend time with your friends is also a good bet. If this girl is all you've known for awhile now, then the toughest part of your situation in my opinion will be to decide what you want to do now that shes gone. School? A new career? That sort of decision. It's going to be a tough transition. Just hang in there while giving it a fair amount of thought. It's something you will have to face sooner or later.

This last part is purely my opinion....I would keep the things shes given you. Box them up somewhere. She might be the darkest part of your life right now, but once you move on you might want those memories for sentimental value. Being in that situation where you got rid of something you will later want to have close/with you feels pretty crappy. :/

I hope this helps. :)

ITT: Throw stuff away, get over it, and find someone else. Having a job helps.

Have you tried whiskey?

Thanks for your responses, everyone.

Padwolf:
*snip*

The things she gave me really aren't sell-able, and most have notes or other such stuff written on them, about us, back when we were fine and whatnot, so I'm honestly at a loss with what to do with them. Several pictures she drew are pretty good pictures, so it would seem a waste of art talent to get rid of them.

lisadagz:
*le snip*

No super miserable yet, oddly enough. I kinda range between not even thinking about her, to thinking about her and feeling kinda down, but so far, no super shitty moments and no tears. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Aylaine:
*snippity*

I'm working on getting myself a job, so if it works out then I guess I could occupy myself with that. It'd help if everywhere I looked didn't turn me down, though. XD

BloatedGuppy:
*snippikins*

You're pretty spot on, I'm 19 at the moment. Possibly even more spot on with the depression thing, maybe. Some of the things I've said to her in the past, when talking about myself, made her suspect I had some minor form of depression. I'm not one to self-diagnose, though.

MopBox:
Have you tried whiskey?

Haha, I have not. I admit, I've never had it. I've never really been big on drinking, and the friends I've seen drink after breakups have only turned into bigger messes, so I'm not really sure how much of that is a good idea. :P

Anywho, at the moment I guess I'm doing fine enough. Much better than I thought I'd be, but time will tell whether I get better or worse following this. Once again, thanks for taking the time to respond to this, everyone. Always good to be reminded that nice, down to earth people exist on the Escapist.

Bernzz:

I'm working on getting myself a job, so if it works out then I guess I could occupy myself with that. It'd help if everywhere I looked didn't turn me down, though. XD

Keep trying. After you apply, wait a few days to a week then call back/go back in and inquire. Employers these days want initiative. If you show people you are eagar to work, it really can put you ahead if experience/other things are on par. I see people apply to the place I work often. But only a few end up coming back to check on the status of their application or bring in a resume/check in person. I'd say 85% that have taken the extra mile got hired. :)

:)

This forum was created for that very purpose. I'm happy that you are doing good despite what's happened. If you ever have any other problems, bump this thread or make a new one. :D

 

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