To creep, or not to creep?

I don't think I've ever started a thread in this part of the forum, so be gentle with me. It's my first time, and I want it to be special.

So, anyway, there's this girl (I imagine 90%+ of threads on here start that way). She's a friend of a friend who I was introduced to a few weeks ago, and since then the three of us have been out for a drink together as a group. We get on really well - she's into most of the same stuff I am, can talk about comics for hours and has a seriously twisted sense of humour - and the last time we met up we spent most of the night talking to one another and ignoring the other people who were with us. Bolstered by that, I text her the next day to ask if she wanted to go for a drink with me, and she said no, she doesn't see me that way. Fair enough, I thought, and left it at that. Better to stay friends than make things awkward.

We're going out again tomorrow, with a few other friends, one of whom (the bloke who originally introduced us) has been subtly encouraging me not to give up on this girl. Now, in my experience, when a girl turns you down she's unlikely to change her mind again, but this mate of mine seems convinced that perserverance is key. I'm not sure what to do - give up on the whole thing and stay friends, or build the relantionship up to the point when I can take another shot. I don't relish the idea as being seen as obsessive or a stalkerish creep, so I'm reticent.

So what do you reckon, Escapists? Should I try my luck?

SonicWaffle:
snip

Keep going out with her as friends, since that's what she wants. I don't think it would be a good idea to be persistant if she's already made herself clear. Maybe she just wants to get to know you better first, (or she's interested in someone else for the time being). It's possible if you just let her be and she gets to know you better in the group scenario, she'll change her mind down the road, but if that's the case, it will probably be her that asks you. In the meantime, don't wait around for her.

Eclipse Dragon:

SonicWaffle:
snip

Keep going out with her as friends, since that's what she wants. I don't think it would be a good idea to be persistant if she's already made herself clear. Maybe she just wants to get to know you better first, (or she's interested in someone else for the time being). It's possible if you just let her be and she gets to know you better in the group scenario, she'll change her mind down the road, but if that's the case, it will probably be her that asks you.

Hmm. Hadn't really thought of that. I strongly doubt it, but anything is possible I suppose.

Eclipse Dragon:
In the meantime, don't wait around for her.

You say that as if I've got somewhere else to be :-P

SonicWaffle:

Hmm. Hadn't really thought of that. I strongly doubt it, but anything is possible I suppose.

Don't be so cynical Mr. Waffle.
Quite a few ladies won't go out with a guy they just met (me being one of them).
I mean if in the meantime you find someone else you like, don't pass up that opportunity because you're waiting for her to come around.

Eclipse Dragon:

SonicWaffle:

Hmm. Hadn't really thought of that. I strongly doubt it, but anything is possible I suppose.

Don't be so cynical Mr. Waffle.

But that's how I roll!

Eclipse Dragon:
Quite a few ladies won't go out with a guy they just met (me being one of them).
I mean if in the meantime you find someone else you like, don't pass up that opportunity because you're waiting for her to come around.

Yeah, I got you, I just don't think it's likely to happen. Years of experience has taught me that there is no point holding out much hope - I'd be one of those guys who whines about "forver alone!" if I didn't get so annoyed by the emo little bastards :-P

You're never alone when you've got alcohol! It'll stick by you through thick and thin!

SonicWaffle:
I'm not sure what to do - give up on the whole thing and stay friends, or build the relantionship up to the point when I can take another shot.

There's also the third option of walking away or just keeping her at the "acquaintance" level if neither of these appeal to you.

But it's your decision to consider.

Vegosiux:

SonicWaffle:
I'm not sure what to do - give up on the whole thing and stay friends, or build the relantionship up to the point when I can take another shot.

There's also the third option of walking away or just keeping her at the "acquaintance" level if neither of these appeal to you.

But it's your decision to consider.

Meh, I'd rather be friends than nothing, we do get on pretty well. I just worry that if we remain friends and see each other more often, eventually I may get drunk and say something stupid.

I'm pretty talented at that :-P

Just get to be good enough friends so that saying something stupid while drunk won't ruin your friendship.

Case in point: I've told a female friend of mine 'I'm drunk. You're pretty. We should date.'

We're still friends.

DISCLAIMER 1: The first advice I give to anyone who asks for advice is Take all advice with a grain of salt. Most likely, the people you are asking aren't really any smarter than you are.

DISCLAIMER 2: This is coming from one of those foreveralone guys. What I know about women and relationships would fit on a matchbook.

My advice? The question is how much you want her.

If you *really* want to be more than friends, you need to either leave her alone completely or take your chances and say so. Keeping your desire a secret and staying close to her in the hope that she'll have a moment of weakness resulting from dissatisfaction with her actual boyfriend, allowing you to jump her like a rabid wolf is what we in the industry call A Dick Move.

It is possible to be friends with someone without trying to get in their pants. We do this with other guys all the time. If you're happy just being her friend, pretend she's a guy. Pretend there's no question of ever being more than friends. If *she* wants to be more, she will probably let you know. Even if she doesn't, you still have a great friend.

Is "just being friends" an acceptable state? If it is, then might as well be friends. If something happens, it happens. If not, it doesn't. I've had both of these happen with the same girl before so you really never know, just don't get too attached.

If "being more than friends" is your specific, desirable result of being friends with the girl, then go ahead and be friends to start, but eventually you're going to have to either resign to just friends or break off the friendship to at least some extent.

If she does not want to be more than friends, I do not see how you can change that.

I'm just coming of something similar. Friend of a friend, we hung out, loved just being friends, started to like her 'more then justy friends', decided friendship was prefereable (and more likely), she called me out on it, now we hardly speak anymore.

I really don't mind that nothing ever happened, but I hate the loss of our friendship/contact...

So imo, if you can salvage the friendship, go for it, good friends are rare enough as is...

SonicWaffle:
I'm not sure what to do - give up on the whole thing and stay friends, or build the relantionship up to the point when I can take another shot. I don't relish the idea as being seen as obsessive or a stalkerish creep, so I'm reticent.

I'm a lady but I've been in your position a couple of times where I've been rejected and have taken the tactic of trying to push it until they come around. The first guy just got creeped out and eventually decided to ditch me as a friend until I cooled off. The second one did end up dating me out of guilt, and that was a rubbish and farcical relationship that didn't do either of us any good.

So I'd say, back off, she's said no, and for the foreseeable future that is her answer. It's not that she can't ever change her mind (I know I've fallen for guys I originally saw only as friends) but if you make it your goal to get together with her it will likely sour your relationship one way or another. Better to just be friends, basically give up on it. If your relationship does (naturally, without you obsessing over it) become close enough that one day it seems like a good idea to take another shot you could do that. But for now, think of that hypothetical situation as no more likely than you ending up in a lovely relationship with any other girl you might hang out with.

fapper plain:
Just get to be good enough friends so that saying something stupid while drunk won't ruin your friendship.

Well, the girl has never met me sober, and I haven't fucked it up yet. I suppose that's a plus. It only tends to be when I get really falling-down drunk that I start confessing my love to people or whatever other dopey notion has entered my head.

Next time I see her, a friend has challenged me to stay sober, so likelihood is I won't be able to speak to her at all :-P

Johnny Impact:
If you *really* want to be more than friends, you need to either leave her alone completely or take your chances and say so. Keeping your desire a secret and staying close to her in the hope that she'll have a moment of weakness resulting from dissatisfaction with her actual boyfriend, allowing you to jump her like a rabid wolf is what we in the industry call A Dick Move.

1) I already made a move, and was knocked back. The issue is that our mutual friend - who has known her a long time - has encouraged me to give it another try, and he knows her much better than I do.

2) She has no boyfriend for me to steal her from. That's not something I'd do, at least not intentionally. I did kinda sleep with another guy's girlfriend once, but in my defence she told me she was single.

Johnny Impact:
It is possible to be friends with someone without trying to get in their pants. We do this with other guys all the time. If you're happy just being her friend, pretend she's a guy. Pretend there's no question of ever being more than friends. If *she* wants to be more, she will probably let you know. Even if she doesn't, you still have a great friend.

That's pretty much the direction I'm headed in. It just annoys me because I haven't met anyone I clicked with (who happened to be not only female, but also attractive and single) in such a long time. The majority of women I meet seem to think I'm funny, quite nice, and for some reason absolutely not boyfriend material.

I may be joining you in your FOREVER ALONE soon enough :-P

Well duh, don't *creep*. If what you're doing feels creepy, stop it.

That being said, there's nothing inherently creepy about being open about your attraction to somebody. Make it clear that you find her really attractive but you're gentleman enough to not want to sacrifice your friendship and she should be flattered. And who knows, perhaps her feelings will change.

I once read that there are three key factors in being attractive to a prospective partner:

1) Your physical appearance
2) Making it known that you find them attractive
3) Familiarity

Now point 1 is in the hands of the gods and the genetic lottery, but points 2 and 3 can be worked on. And basically, it sounds like you're doing everything right so far. She knows you like her, but you're being polite about it and are mindful of coming across as creepy or too pushy. Cool, you're being the definition of a decent guy.

Just let time take its course and if things are meant to happen, they probably will. But like another poster mentioned, don't get "oneitis" - don't obsess over her, and just her. Look around for other girls and other potential relationships - you might find an even better match out there somewhere.

Good luck man.

SonicWaffle:

fapper plain:
Just get to be good enough friends so that saying something stupid while drunk won't ruin your friendship.

Well, the girl has never met me sober, and I haven't fucked it up yet. I suppose that's a plus. It only tends to be when I get really falling-down drunk that I start confessing my love to people or whatever other dopey notion has entered my head.

Next time I see her, a friend has challenged me to stay sober, so likelihood is I won't be able to speak to her at all :-P

Your friend has a point. >.>

Don't get me wrong, I understand the necessity of alcohol for some actions, particularly ones relating to social interaction, but you don't want it to become a crutch.

That said, there's nothing wrong with having a drink or two in order to get rid of some of your social anxiety.

fapper plain:

SonicWaffle:

fapper plain:
Just get to be good enough friends so that saying something stupid while drunk won't ruin your friendship.

Well, the girl has never met me sober, and I haven't fucked it up yet. I suppose that's a plus. It only tends to be when I get really falling-down drunk that I start confessing my love to people or whatever other dopey notion has entered my head.

Next time I see her, a friend has challenged me to stay sober, so likelihood is I won't be able to speak to her at all :-P

Your friend has a point. >.>

Don't get me wrong, I understand the necessity of alcohol for some actions, particularly ones relating to social interaction, but you don't want it to become a crutch.

That said, there's nothing wrong with having a drink or two in order to get rid of some of your social anxiety.

I'm what some have termed "a functioning alcoholic", though as time drags on it's looking as if I may need to drop the "functioning" prefix. There is no such thing as one drink.

I'm trying to work on that, but the alcohol recovery service I've been referred to is shit.

Switch from drinking to smoking?

(not a troll answer. I've found that smoking works well for the whole 'keep me less anxious and awkward' part without altering the way I behave and such)

 

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