Let's see if I can't get to the bottom of this

Hey there, Escapists. I recently posted a thread on here soliciting advice about my relationship and that's gone great but I think there's a deeper problem than that swimming around in my head.

Allow me to explain, I have been suffering from pretty strong mood swings recently, along with paranoia of the "nobody like me really" kind. The mood swings all seem to relate to interactions with other people, which makes sense taking into account the social anxiety Asperger's syndrome is said to cause.

Anyway, what's going on is I've found my first actual love out there in the world, I'm in my first romantic attraction (as opposed to my previous, semi-traumitising, obsessive, unrequited love) and it seems to have unearthed a lot of fears of rejection, fear of one-sided love (likely related to my previous obsession with a girl) and all this is in the face of the girl I love saying she loves me very much and well... I just feel like the world's biggest dickhead for having all these fears in the face of her being so very loving.

Today did sort of highlight the problem for me, though. I text her today asking if she's still coming out, she says she's gotten quite cold so she won't be, I call her up after I notice it seems like she's "taking the piss" with what she's said and her friend answers her phone, says they are in fact out right now and the friend asks me if I want to join them.

What immediately jumped into my mind is that since the friend is asking me and she is not, she doesn't want me there, that since she said she wasn't going to be out, she didn't want me there and I am an unwanted tag along of some kind, I made this correlation because they avoided a friend by saying they were not out when they were before.

I cannot seem to escape all of these negative ideas, all of this feeling that I am being deceived, avoided, hated, loathed and everyone's too polite to tell me.

Escapists... what on Earth do I do?

Ask her for the truth? She lied to you after all. Tell her to be honest about it.

Don't be freaked out if she just wanted to do something without you. Eventhough you're in a relationship it doesn't mean that you have to -everything- together. Maybe she needs some space to do her own thing every once in a while.

As for your fear of rejection. That's insecurity, I feel. And insecurity is always going to cause problems in relationships. As will fears. You need to get rid of those things, but I realise that's not quite easy.

She has just as much reason to want you, as you have to want her. And if, at some point, you or her don't want eachother anymore, there'll always be another person that comes along. If you manage to get one girl to love you, you'll manage a second one. And a third one etc. So don't be afraid that this is your one shot and if you blow it you'll be alone for the rest of your life, because that's nonsense.

As for the feeling that people don't like you; Why would people not like you?

How old are you both out of interest?

Booze Zombie:
snip

Be careful about how to act around her, you may be coming off as "clingy", if that is the case, her actions make sense. Although she should have been honest with you, but saying "I want some space" might have prompted a similar reaction. You probably need to talk to her considering she did lie and it would be nice to know the truth. Just make sure if you do talk to her, you don't appear to be angry about it.

SimpleThunda':
Snip

It is utter insecurity, I know. Perhaps I was being too literal with her words (a common problem), perhaps she was lying to me, it's hard to say. I do need to ditch the insecurities, the fears, the darkness of my past mistakes torrmenting me about my future.

And yes, it may very well turn out she will fall out of love with me and I her, it could happen. I would hope not... but no use pretending.

Oddly, the reason I think people won't like me is because I'm so insecure, emotional and silly about things.

Fasckira:
How old are you both out of interest?

Surprisingly enough, I'm 22 years old, I've just been out of the social loop for 4 years, I'm doing a lot of catching up.

Eclipse Dragon:

Booze Zombie:
snip

Be careful about how to act around her, you may be coming off as "clingy", if that is the case, her actions make sense. Although she should have been honest with you, but saying "I want some space" might have prompted a similar reaction. You probably need to talk to her considering she did lie and it would be nice to know the truth. Just make sure if you do talk to her, you don't appear to be angry about it.

Excellent suggestion, I shall attempt to. She is a tiny bit evasive whenever I try, though.

I think you need to sit down with her and talk this out.

You know that your paranoia is mostly just that. If she isn't aware of your insecurities, she may just be seeing you as clingy, and be feeling smothered by your affections. So going out in secret is a way of giving herself some space without telling you as much. Make sure she knows how you feel and work it out together, she can be more understanding of your feelings and mood swings and you can try to give her space when she needs it without feeling threatened. You say you need to ditch the insecurities, well tell her that, and she'll be able to help you, but only if she knows.

Galletea:
I think you need to sit down with her and talk this out.

You know that your paranoia is mostly just that. If she isn't aware of your insecurities, she may just be seeing you as clingy, and be feeling smothered by your affections. So going out in secret is a way of giving herself some space without telling you as much. Make sure she knows how you feel and work it out together, she can be more understanding of your feelings and mood swings and you can try to give her space when she needs it without feeling threatened. You say you need to ditch the insecurities, well tell her that, and she'll be able to help you, but only if she knows.

Yeah, paranoia is 99% mental, 1% reality. Fair points raised all around there, I shall talk to her openly about it all, I think I have, I can't imagine what I've been missing out, actually...

 

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