Urgent : advice on ending a relationship

Hey Escapists, I find myself at a loss and desperately needing advice. I have been with my girlfriend for roughly 14 months, but recently things have cooled down to the point where I feel unhappy in my relationship, and I want to break up. Normally this kind of thing wouldnt be an issue but there are a few factors to consider, which I will explain in due course. My friends have all recently experienced significant life changes, and in the case of a few these are very negative, and in the case of others, very joyous and I don't want to burden them with my problems.
So the basics : me and this girl attend the same college, but have different courses. We have one mutual proper friend, but otherwise different social groups. She lives an hour and a half away, and we can only visit each other by bus. She's met my parents, they love her. She wouldn't introduce me to hers because her father has a general hatred of any young man who shows her attention and would probably shoot me if I came too close to the house (which I've never been to). For the past few months we've seen less of each other, and our sex life is virtually non-existant.I am definately breaking up with her but these are the factors currently making it difficult :

-she's on a college required work placement for three weeks,and when she returns I have my work placement.
-Because of the distance and the fact we are both limited to one expensive bus route, I dont want her to come visit me just so I can break up with her, and while I dont mind making the commute to her, there's no place we can go privately so I can break up with her without anyone seeing her upset in public. Plus, we are both unemployed and have no source of income, so saviing money is crucial.
- going to her house is a no-no.
-Doing it in college is equally undesirable as we would be around too many people we know and we both have very busy schedules.
-she's a very private person so a random restaurant etc would be out of the question
-I refuse to do it by text message. That's just mean.
-I'm not sure if a phone conversation is an appropriate way to end a relationship

The longer I leave it, the more it is unfair to both of us, and I cannot stand the guilt of not telling her how I feel.
So escapists, if anyone has any ideas on how I should do this ?

Generally speaking, a phone conversation is far from ideal, but given the rather unusual circumstances, it may be the best bet. Perhaps rather than calling her up just to break up, you could do so to tell her that you are unhappy with how the relationship is going. It is entirely possible she feels the same way, and this may simplify matters somewhat as it's possible she may agree that the relationship should end.

If she doesn't seem to feel the same, do you see yourself giving the relationship another chance? If you are not completely 100% sure, perhaps you might be willing to keep it cool for while you are both busy away from each other, and giving it a final shot by meeting up when you are both free at a later date?

I agree with Legion's point about maybe seeing if you can work through it. Relationships sometimes take work so just think about it at least.

If you're dead set on ending it then I'd still suggest trying to meet together face to face. Is there really no way you'd be able to meet somewhere quite on campus for a serious talk? I guess if it's not possible a call would be the next best thing. Email/facebook/texts are not an appropriate way to end a relationship.

Sorry man, but this... kinda sounds like a really weak excuse to put off breaking up with her.

She's going to be upset (and probably hate you at least for a little while) no matter what you do. Choose one of the less shitty options, for sure, but not breaking up with her because 'I don't want her to be upset in public' is... possibly the most hollow excuse I've ever heard for not getting around to breaking up with someone.

So, don't do it over the internet or text, probably avoid doing it over the phone (although I've heard some people say they'd prefer to be dumped this way I reckon you've been with her long enough that this is pretty impersonal) and I guess don't do it right near her house because of the whole angry dad thing (if he's really as angry as you say I don't think anyone can blame you for a little selfishness on your part here) and don't make her come all the way to your house to break up with her. That leaves you with all the less shitty options. They're all still shitty. You're breaking up with her, it's unavoidable that it's going to be shitty.

So it leaves you with doing it at college or meeting somewhere between your houses (closer to her, I'd suggest) whether you tell her over dinner or during a walk in a park or simply on the street corner. Maybe later in the day so she can just go home and do nothing for the rest of the day. She may cry in public. She may wish there was no one around or want the ground to swallow her up. Quite frankly, I doubt it'll be the last time this happens to her, and she's going to have to learn to deal with heartbreak some time or other.

From: A girl who's been dumped enough times by long term partners who put it off for ages to realise it's better to just get it over and done with.

Rylot:
I agree with Legion's point about maybe seeing if you can work through it. Relationships sometimes take work so just think about it at least.

If you're dead set on ending it then I'd still suggest trying to meet together face to face. Is there really no way you'd be able to meet somewhere quite on campus for a serious talk? I guess if it's not possible a call would be the next best thing. Email/facebook/texts are not an appropriate way to end a relationship.

Basically, this. There's one thing I'd like to add though- Girls who have broken up with me and the past, have usually said 'I did try and make it work'. This ain't good enough. If you're going to try and make it work, do tell her and try to work through it together.

Well, I agree with the guys in some point, that relationships need (and deserve) working.
But to me there is a no-no there, which is the sex life. Never underestimate the weight of sex on a relationship.
I don't have the source, but I once heard/read that most marriages break up because of sexual incompatibilities.
You said 14 months, and it is a too soon for the sex to be failing so hard.

If you think you can work around this, I would say, yes, go ahead and try to make it work.
If you don't think it will work, then bail out... Time usually only makes it worse, as the magic fades. (It IS possible to have a sexually active long term relationship, but what you said was a bad sign ...)

About how to do it, well ... Telephone is not out of the question. It is not ideal, but it is better than a long heart-breaking trip! And don't fool yourself that you won't feel a little when you do it. In my case, at least, it always hurt to break up.
The best advice I can give you, after all, is "good luck". Life moves on!

I think that you are way too young to worry about a "proper break up".
Time is precious. Just go ahead, call her and tell her honestly that you wanted to talk to her in person but due to reasons beyond your control, you have no choice but to use the phone.

If I were the girl referred to in your post, I think I'd be a bit insulted. You make it sound like she's such a delicate piece of glass that she'll be reduced to a gibbering wreck by the loss of your love. Realistically, she knows this is coming, right? I mean, you've talked about how unhappy you are, right? Then make your breakup as convenient as possible for her and let both of you get on with your lives.

My take on this subject:
To make it easier:

First: ask yourself "Do I truly want to break up?"
If the answer is yes, then call her and tell her this:

"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"I don't think that I want to continue our relationship".

Be straightforward, be honest, be kind.

Hey everyone,
thank you all for your posts. Well ultimately, I made the trip up to her and told her honestly how I felt, and after some discussion, we broke up. Honestly it did hurt a bit, but I'm getting on fine now, but she wasn't dealing too well according to our mutual acquaintance, but after a chance meeting two days ago she's apparently dong much better.
once again, thank you all for your opinions & advice.

 

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