My fiance's Dad is cheating on her Mom

God that title seems like an episode of Jeremy Kyle or something.
(I've made a new a new account because some people know me in real life on my other profile)

I'm going to try and tell you as much as I can about this rather fucked up situation that has started a few months ago. Although that's just when I found out could have been going on for a bit longer.

Alright, back sometime late last year her dad found some long lost cousins living in Scotland that he got in contact with them and they came over to visit him and other members of his family. While they were over he brought them out and enjoyed getting to know lost relatives and they liked him so they invited him to come to Scotland some time ad he took them up on their offer a few weeks after.

After he came back he spent several hours most nights on the phone to his cousin. They'd talk and text each late every night. One night he had been drinking and my fiance was alone with him he dropped a few hints to her that something might be going on. Another night he left his facebook logged on and she saw some messages that had been sent back and forth between the two of them of a flirtatious nature.

She pleaded with him to just stop before anything happened, although thinking back now I'm sure something already had, and he said he would cut it off. He already had plans to go back to Scotland and at first he was going to cancel them but he already had his ticket so his wife told him to go and not waste it. He said he stayed with another relative and not the one he had been texting.

More recently, as in the last two weeks, my fiance once again was on her dad's computer and he had left it logged in again. The messages she saw were pretty bad, one was about how he was going to take her pants off with his teeth, so clearly he hadn't stopped anything.

Throughout this I've been telling my fiance to tell her mother but her mother is type 1 diabetic and would stop looking after herself if she found out what the man she loves so dearly is doing. So in her mind she would loose two parents if she told.

I'm not sure how to end this but I'm just looking for advice in our situation or maybe an outside opinion that might help.

And if you have any questions I'll try and answer as best I can.

Thanks in advance escapist you've yet to let me down.

Also any questions should be directed at me a as my fiance is away at a concert at the moment with a friend of hers.
It's was some band I don't know much about...

This is one of those awkward situations that never really have a "right" answer.

On the one hand, he is cheating on his wife, and I know personally that if somebody close to me ever kept that from me I'd never forgive them. I consider being close to somebody meaning that you look out for them, even in the nastier situations.

On the other, some may feel that it has nothing to do with your relationship and you should mind your own business. Some people do not like others interfering in their relationships even if they mean well.

Assuming your fiancée's beliefs (and if she believes her mothers are the same) are leaning towards the former:

I'd suggest that perhaps your fiancée talks to her Dad and lays it out. She could let him know that she knows what is going on, and that he will stop or it will all come out in public (if this option is chosen, I strongly suggest you are there when it happens to avoid any situations). Or alternatively, she could tell him that he has X amount of time to admit to the truth to his wife, or she will do it for him.

Assuming the latter:

The first situation would still be viable in a way. Your fiancée could tell her father that she knows that he is having an affair, and that in itself may be enough to get him to do the right thing. Other than that, there isn't much else that can be done without interfering.

As for your fiancée's mother and her health:

If you genuinely feel that she may stop looking after herself, then it may be in her best interests to stay out of it. Although as mentioned before, it largely depends on how your fiancée feels that she may feel on the matter. If she is the kind of person who would want to know, then it is nor fair on her to be kept in the dark. If she is the kind of person who'd prefer to not know, and have a more peaceful life, then gritting your teeth and ignoring it may be the only option.

Obviously these are just my thoughts on the matter. Feel free to ignore, adapt or mock them, it's not the kind of thing you should deal with on impulse.

Legion:
This is one of those awkward situations that never really have a "right" answer.

You got that one right

I'd suggest that perhaps your fiancée talks to her Dad and lays it out. She could let him know that she knows what is going on, and that he will stop or it will all come out in public (if this option is chosen, I strongly suggest you are there when it happens to avoid any situations). Or alternatively, she could tell him that he has X amount of time to admit to the truth to his wife, or she will do it for him.

This is what i want to do but I still need to convince her to do it. I think shes a bit in denial as about what will happen if she doesn't act

If you genuinely feel that she may stop looking after herself, then it may be in her best interests to stay out of it. Although as mentioned before, it largely depends on how your fiancée feels that she may feel on the matter. If she is the kind of person who would want to know, then it is nor fair on her to be kept in the dark. If she is the kind of person who'd prefer to not know, and have a more peaceful life, then gritting your teeth and ignoring it may be the only option.

I'm of the opinion that she would be able to take it. It wouldn't be great but i think shes the kind of person strong enough to take it but once again I disagree with her.

Obviously these are just my thoughts on the matter. Feel free to ignore, adapt or mock them, it's not the kind of thing you should deal with on impulse.

Thanks for commenting and for taking the time to think about this little situation I'm a part of. Mostly I'm just looking for people to give me a fresh perspective on it and maybe help me lock down all the options which you certainly have!

Pelagius III:

Thanks for commenting and for taking the time to think about this little situation I'm a part of. Mostly I'm just looking for people to give me a fresh perspective on it and maybe help me lock down all the options which you certainly have!

Just one thing to add (and I am not making any accusations, I promise you). Try not to pressure your fiancée into anything she is not uncomfortable with, even if you feel it is the right decision.

With things such as this, it's got to be her choice in the end. Not only because it's her family, but because if the result goes wrong, there is a chance she may resent you for it, even if you had her best interests at heart.

Again, I am not saying you would pressure her, or anything of the sort.

Legion:

Pelagius III:

Thanks for commenting and for taking the time to think about this little situation I'm a part of. Mostly I'm just looking for people to give me a fresh perspective on it and maybe help me lock down all the options which you certainly have!

Just one thing to add (and I am not making any accusations, I promise you). Try not to pressure your fiancée into anything she is not uncomfortable with, even if you feel it is the right decision.

With things such as this, it's got to be her choice in the end. Not only because it's her family, but because if the result goes wrong, there is a chance she may resent you for it, even if you had her best interests at heart.

Again, I am not saying you would pressure her, or anything of the sort.

I'm very aware of this, hell even just trying to help her at all could make her feel like I'm pressuring her.

I'm just worried about her mostly, this has kinda shattered her view of not only marriage but love in general.

It's none of your business honestly. She understands the dynamics of her family situation better than you do, and it's not your place to be pushing her to do something she obviously doesn't want to do. It's incredibly selfish of you to keep shoving your ethics on her despite the negative consequences she told you would result. Just trust your fiancee to do the right thing for the situation and stop forcing yourself into other people's private lives where it doesn't concern you.

manic_depressive13:
It's none of your business honestly.

Yes it is.

She understands the dynamics of her family situation better than you do,

Yes I know.

and it's not your place to be pushing her to do something she obviously doesn't want to do.

I'm not.

It's incredibly selfish of you to keep shoving your ethics on her despite the negative consequences she told you would result.

She thinks will result. Also not acting will cause all the negative things to happen anyway.

Just trust your fiancee to do the right thing for the situation

I do trust her but shes stressed out right now and as her fiancee it's my job to help her.

and stop forcing yourself into other people's private lives where it doesn't concern you.

1. I'm not forcing myself into anyone's private life, I'm already in their lives.
2. This does concern me, both her parents are quite dear to me.

Pelagius III:

manic_depressive13:
It's none of your business honestly.

Yes it is.

No, it really isn't. Your business is to be there and be someone she can rely on, not to be someone actively intervening.

It's incredibly selfish of you to keep shoving your ethics on her despite the negative consequences she told you would result.

She thinks will result. Also not acting will cause all the negative things to happen anyway.

Do not presume you know better than her. Do not presume this is "for her own good". Such attitude largely suggests that you do not trust her to be able to take care of herself

Just trust your fiancee to do the right thing for the situation

I do trust her but shes stressed out right now and as her fiancee it's my job to help her.

Yes, your job as her fiancee is to help her get through this stress. To be supportive and to be someone she can trust. This is not a romantic work of fiction. You are not a knight in shining armor that has free lease to ignore the wishes of his significant other because "he knows better". She's a person, not a thing you put on a pedestal and shelter from the world.

and stop forcing yourself into other people's private lives where it doesn't concern you.

1. I'm not forcing myself into anyone's private life, I'm already in their lives.
2. This does concern me, both her parents are quite dear to me.

If you do something she asks you not to do, the only message you're getting across is that you're not willing to compromise, and are going to raise doubts as to how your tendency to want your way is going to interfere with your relationship in the future.

You're not a part of their parents' relationship, either. This is simply something you don't butt into and think "I just did what I thought was right" is going to get you uot of it consequence free.

Vegosiux:

Pelagius III:

manic_depressive13:
It's none of your business honestly.

Yes it is.

No, it really isn't. Your business is to be there and be someone she can rely on, not to be someone actively intervening.

It is my business. I also never said I would be doing anything.

It's incredibly selfish of you to keep shoving your ethics on her despite the negative consequences she told you would result.

She thinks will result. Also not acting will cause all the negative things to happen anyway.

Do not presume you know better than her. Do not presume this is "for her own good". Such attitude largely suggests that you do not trust her to be able to take care of herself

Where did I presume to know better than her?

Just trust your fiancee to do the right thing for the situation

I do trust her but shes stressed out right now and as her fiancee it's my job to help her.

Yes, your job as her fiancee is to help her get through this stress. To be supportive and to be someone she can trust. This is not a romantic work of fiction. You are not a knight in shining armor that has free lease to ignore the wishes of his significant other because "he knows better". She's a person, not a thing you put on a pedestal and shelter from the world.

Where are you getting this from? When did I say I would be doing anything other than talking to my fiancee?

and stop forcing yourself into other people's private lives where it doesn't concern you.

1. I'm not forcing myself into anyone's private life, I'm already in their lives.
2. This does concern me, both her parents are quite dear to me.

If you do something she asks you not to do, the only message you're getting across is that you're not willing to compromise, and are going to raise doubts as to how your tendency to want your way is going to interfere with your relationship in the future.

When did I say I was doing anything?

You're not a part of their parents' relationship, either. This is simply something you don't butt into and think "I just did what I thought was right" is going to get you out of it consequence free.

All I've said I would do is talk to my fiancee. That's it. I didn't say I was going to charge in on my high horse and try and "right" this situation. Just talk to my fiancee who is understandably stressed and who isn't sure what she should do.

captcha: propane accessories

'cos that one of the two things I sell

Pelagius III:
-snip-

That's all good then; I seem to have misunderstood your post there. And with how complicated these things get, well...my parents are divorced too, because of an affair, it wasn't pleasant, but a decade and a half later it's nice to see them get along just fine, at least.

...hope it works out in the the end, for everyone involved.

Vegosiux:

Pelagius III:
-snip-

That's all good then; I seem to have misunderstood your post there. And with how complicated these things get, well...my parents are divorced too, because of an affair, it wasn't pleasant, but a decade and a half later it's nice to see them get along just fine, at least.

...hope it works out in the the end, for everyone involved.

Thanks.
I think you just picked it up from manic's post.
There no happy ending,short term, in this situation. Just hoping for the least shitty one.

Pelagius III:
-

I don't really see why you're getting defensive when you're the one who asked for advice. I also think it's absurd to suggest that you're not trying to intervene when your first post implies you are pushing your fiancee to tell her mother even though she doesn't want to. You seem to have made up your mind about what you want to do and say you "just need to convince her to do it". You claim she's "in denail" instead of acknowledging she may be valid or even more correct in her assumptions than you. You also acknowledge that "even just trying to help her at all could make her feel like I'm pressuring her." Well no, no it couldn't unless you are doing it completely wrong. "Helping" would be reassuring her and supporting HER decisions. What you're doing isn't helping.

It's not inevitable that this will end badly. This may very well be a fling or a sort of mid-life crisis for your father in law. The affair may end when the novelty wears off and he comes back to his senses. His wife need never know. Sure, it's not nice knowing your parents relationship isn't as strong as you thought, but is it worth risking breaking up a long and otherwise happy marriage for that moment of weakness?

Edit: Oh and let's not forget you think you're a better judge of her mother's character than she is.

manic_depressive13:

I don't really see why you're getting defensive when you're the one who asked for advice. I also think it's absurd to suggest that you're not trying to intervene when your first post implies you are pushing your fiancee to tell her mother even though she doesn't want to.

She has been asking for my opinion on what to do, that's my opinion. In no way an I pushing anything. In your last post you said it was "selfish of you to keep shoving your ethics on her despite the negative consequences she told you would result". This is not true. I am not pushing anything. You just read it that way.

You seem to have made up your mind about what you want to do and say you "just need to convince her to do it". You claim she's "in denail" instead of acknowledging she may be valid or even more correct in her assumptions than you.

Ok i concede that the just need to convince her thing is wrong but she is in denial. In situations like this everyone gets like that. It's normal to think out of site out of mind.

You also acknowledge that "even just trying to help her at all could make her feel like I'm pressuring her." Well no, no it couldn't unless you are doing it completely wrong.

Or if that's just how she is. You know personality's and all. I know her you don't.

"Helping" would be reassuring her and supporting HER decisions. What you're doing isn't helping.

Helping her could also be giving her advise if she asks for it. Helping can be a lot of things. Including helping her come to a decision, even if it's one I don't like.

It's not inevitable that this will end badly. This may very well be a fling or a sort of mid-life crisis for your father in law. The affair may end when the novelty wears off and he comes back to his senses. His wife need never know. Sure, it's not nice knowing your parents relationship isn't as strong as you thought, but is it worth risking breaking up a long and otherwise happy marriage for that moment of weakness?

This is all true, and is also the advice I wish you had given the first time instead of telling me it's none of my business and to stop forcing my opinions on her (as if I could force her to do anything, can't even get her to do the dishes). The best option could be just to let it run it's course, you're right.

Edit: Oh and let's not forget you think you're a better judge of her mother's character than she is.

Better judge of her character, no, but I do think she would be ok. My fiances need to protect her family might be a factor in her opinion. Might not be worth it to risk it though.

manic_depressive13:
snip

You seem to have misread his post. Either that or you severely misread the tone.
In any case your inflammatory and aggressive manner, and the many assumptions you make with it, are not helpful.

Pelagius III:
snip

Subjectively, the truth must out. You are just as guilty of deception for not passing on the knowledge you aquired to the one who deserves to know it (the mother).

Objectively the only thing that really matters is the wants of the mother. Would she want to be told? Would she want to be kept ignorant? Would the infidelity really hurt her that much, or would the deception be worse? Which eventuality would leave her more satisfied (not happy, she may rather be informed and unhappy than ignorant and happy)?

Smeatza:

Subjectively, the truth must out. You are just as guilty of deception for not passing on the knowledge you aquired to the one who deserves to know it (the mother).

And this is what I believe. I don't like knowing and not acting. But I also don't believe it would be my place to act.

Objectively the only thing that really matters is the wants of the mother. Would she want to be told? Would she want to be kept ignorant? Would the infidelity really hurt her that much, or would the deception be worse? Which eventuality would leave her more satisfied (not happy, she may rather be informed and unhappy than ignorant and happy)?

True, but how do you find that out without telling her.

UBERfionn:

Objectively the only thing that really matters is the wants of the mother. Would she want to be told? Would she want to be kept ignorant? Would the infidelity really hurt her that much, or would the deception be worse? Which eventuality would leave her more satisfied (not happy, she may rather be informed and unhappy than ignorant and happy)?

True, but how do you find that out without telling her.

Get to know her better, simple as that.

I would suggest a time machine but I think I used up the charge on mine so I can't lend it to you.

I would sit down with the guiltly party and see if anything has actually gone beyond message stage. If it's just messaging it may not be to late to nip it in the bud. But if something has happened the the guilty party should be the one to discuss it with the victim party. Could it be the mother actually knows what has/will/continue to happen? Maybe this is a part of their relationship. I had a friend who didn't know his parents had swinging rules untill when I was over on day and his mom who was a little tipsy at the time was getting a touch frisky. (I was over 18. so its not bad just creepy for me)

Perhaps a disscussion with the guilty party at a place where you can deliver all your evidence at once may get the answers you seek.

Good luck though,

However bad this might be, it is not your business to tell her mother. It may affect you, but that doesn't make it your place to start interfering.

In her position, I would confront my father and tell him that if he is going to be a cheating scumbag then at the least he should make sure no one can see what he intends to do with his other woman, or tell his wife and move on. I don't think going behind his back to tell the mother is the right way to do it. Especially since you only have messages to go off.

 

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