Friends with benefits?

So I met this girl, who is a self-proclaimed introvert, and we went on a date. She told me this was her first ever date. I ask if she wants to go on a second one and she thought about it then said no. That she wasn't ready for a relationship (whatever the hell that means, she is in her 20's). I'm thinking it might be BS to spare my feelings and I wish I knew how to find out but that's another thing.

Anyway I think she might be attracted to me. So maybe I can turn this into a friends with benefits thing. No idea how I would bring that up or whatever without seeming like a pervert, also I'm thinking maybe it's too soon since I haven't physically seen her since the date.

Any advice on this whole situation?

If you're just after sex there's gotta be an easier way to get it.

But; first of all, she doesn't seem to be interested - if she's actually genuine about "no relationship" that excludes you by default, if she's just "letting you down gently", well, that still excludes you. But there's only one way you're going to find out whether she's going to be up to it or not, and the worst you can get is being told no thanks. Also, "You think she might be attracted to you", not to insinuate anything, but you really have to stop yourself and figure out how much those thoughts are wishful thinking on your part. Also, I don't know how much you communicated before, but friends after one date? Acquaintances, maybe.

I'll just repeat my tired ol' mantra. Communication is key. Just be honest - and keep in mind she doesn't owe you anything. Except her own honesty...maybe ask her to be honest with you, too. Clear cuts are always less messy than soft-shoeing around the issue and just getting yourselves confused.

Vegosiux:
If you're just after sex there's gotta be an easier way to get it.

Such as? And I was out for a relationship but since that seems bust I'll try for sex.

Vegosiux:

But; first of all, she doesn't seem to be interested - if she's actually genuine about "no relationship" that excludes you by default, if she's just "letting you down gently", well, that still excludes you. But there's only one way you're going to find out whether she's going to be up to it or not, and the worst you can get is being told no thanks. Also, "You think she might be attracted to you", not to insinuate anything, but you really have to stop yourself and figure out how much those thoughts are wishful thinking on your part.

I asked her. Not sure if she was trying to be nice or sincere when she said yes. Edit: and there was some things on the date.

I worry that if I ask she'll be so offended she doesn't want to even be friends or that my chances would be greater if I waited.

But fine, how should I bring up the subject?

Risky.

In my own (limited) experience, this 'friends with benefits' either ends up developing into a relationship anyway, as long as both parties have or develop feelings for one another, and admit it to one another. In which case, you'll be a happy chappy.

If not, and one person has feelings the other does not share, then things have the potential to go downhill fast, and badly. In which case she probably wont want to remain friends with you anyway.

If you want to go head, then I'm not sure how you'd bring it up with her. Again, these kind of arrangements often require the two people to be actual friends, as opposed to someone you've been on a date with. Although very forward, it's probably best to clear about what you want, although as to how to phrase it, I have no idea, sorry.

There are easier and less complicated ways to get laid than this, I feel.

I was in a 'friends with benefits' situation (and I'm a girl, yay) which didn't bother me too much since I fancied the guy from the beginning. It sort of just happened, after one evening when we'd been out with some mutual friends he suggested that we go to his place and that was it. No big deal. And I guess that's the best way to proceed if you get a vibe from the girl that she does fancy you, don't make too big a deal out of it. However, it was risky since I knew he didn't want to get into a relationship and neither did I but I didn't want things to get too weird for us. Now we're an actual couple though, so the risk was worth it.

This is to point out, if the girl DOES fancy you then it might be okay. My situation was almost the same as this girl you're talking about, I wasn't ready for a relationship but I fancied the guy so I was okay with the 'friends with benefits' kinda thing. However, if she doesn't fancy you then it probably won't work. And as a girl, I can say I developed real feelings quite fast for my guy after we'd spent nights on end at one another's flats etc... I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful. It's tricky to make it work. Good luck anyhow.

If she didn't want a second date, I can't imagine her wanting no-strings sex. It sounds to me like she isn't interested and I personally wouldn't pursue it especially after only seeing her once. That would absolutely freak me out if a guy insinuated we should be friends with benefits after I told him I didn't want to see him again as a date.

She certainly doesn't sound ready for sex and I'm guessing she's a virgin. Perhaps you should focus on finding another girl who will fulfill your needs. People mature sexually at different ages and if they don't want it, then they don't.
My first time was with some guy who just saw me as some pet he could summon forward for sex until he got bored. It clouded my judgment of guys afterwards pretty badly. I didn't have sex with another guy for ages because I just assumed all men were sex hungry pigs who would leave me back then.

Then again, you won't know until you try. Just don't be surprised if she's terrified by your proposition because if it never feels like the right time to suggest it then you probably shouldn't.

Wadders:

There are easier and less complicated ways to get laid than this, I feel.

Such as?

While I respect the fact that an initial date did indeed happen, ultimately pursuing a relationship (in whichever form it may take: casual, romantic, friends or otherwise) will require equal consent and clear communication on both parts.

You're asking about how to proceed? There is no way to proceed. I would say that she made it abundantly clear where she stands on the matter of you two engaging in a similar setting again, doubly so for a sexual relationship, if she refused you after the first date.

Her introverted behavior and inexperience with dating as a whole are factors to consider when trying to understand things from her perspective, but that's where you draw the line. There is absolutely no point in making assumptions about whether or not she's attracted to you or how she feels. She made her opinion known.

It's relatively safe to say that things would have turned out slightly differently if she did fancy you in the manner that your thoughts are describing. I'm not implying an automatic relationship. But she would have reciprocated the intent to be around you more or the interest would be blatantly visible.

Finally, if you do decide to ask her to continue with no-strings sex: You have to weigh up what is more important to you? A possible friendship or a relationship based solely around sex. Is a friendship really worth risking over something like sex?

In my experience, a friendship is infinitely more valuable. By pursuing this line of reasoning, you can gain a friend and you have the opportunity to find someone else who may be more in sync with your emotional and physical needs. This particular girl does not seem to be sexually mature (on an emotional level, that is) enough to handle the kind of no-strings relationship that you want to ask.

It may seem like a "missed opportunity", but I'm sure you can find somebody better matched to your emotional and physical needs.

:)

RipVanTinkle:
While I respect the fact that an initial date did indeed happen, ultimately pursuing a relationship (in whichever form it may take: casual, romantic, friends or otherwise) will require equal consent and clear communication on both parts.

You're asking about how to proceed? There is no way to proceed. I would say that she made it abundantly clear where she stands on the matter of you two engaging in a similar setting again, doubly so for a sexual relationship, if she refused you after the first date.

Her introverted behavior and inexperience with dating as a whole are factors to consider when trying to understand things from her perspective, but that's where you draw the line. There is absolutely no point in making assumptions about whether or not she's attracted to you or how she feels. She made her opinion known.

You know you come off as pretty hostile when you phrase it like that.

RipVanTinkle:
I'm not implying an automatic relationship. But she would have reciprocated the intent to be around you more

Meaning what?

Father Time:

You know you come off as pretty hostile when you phrase it like that.

RipVanTinkle:
I'm not implying an automatic relationship. But she would have reciprocated the intent to be around you more

Meaning what?

My sincere apologies! That was really not my intent, tone is always nuisance to properly convey through a message.

The part where you mentioned "I think she might be attracted to me", that made wonder if it wasn't perhaps just wishful thinking on your part, thoughts like those can be dangerous to your wellbeing and hers if they're misguided. Especially when you mentioned that she wasn't ready for a relationship after turning you down for a second date. That sounds pretty definitive to me.

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what it would feel like. Telling someone that you don't want to continue this any further, only for that someone to come back with an assumption and a proposition for friends-with-benefits. The idea may be appealing from your perspective, but perhaps not so much from hers. Especially since that could change her perspective of you entirely.

As for the last part, you mentioned that you haven't seen her since your date. I'm not sure on how long exactly, but time has passed. And if she was attracted to you, well, you'd be hearing from her and possibly seeing her again in person or at the very least making plans to do so. It simply doesn't sound like she's interested.

At the end of the day, I was proposing that you'd probably have better luck finding someone else. I assure you, at no point did I feel antagonistic towards you, but I do sincerely apologize if that's how it was conveyed.

RipVanTinkle:

Father Time:

You know you come off as pretty hostile when you phrase it like that.

RipVanTinkle:
I'm not implying an automatic relationship. But she would have reciprocated the intent to be around you more

Meaning what?

My sincere apologies! That was really not my intent, tone is always nuisance to properly convey through a message.

The part where you mentioned "I think she might be attracted to me", that made wonder if it wasn't perhaps just wishful thinking on your part, thoughts like those can be dangerous to your wellbeing and hers if they're misguided. Especially when you mentioned that she wasn't ready for a relationship after turning you down for a second date. That sounds pretty definitive to me.

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what it would feel like. Telling someone that you don't want to continue this any further, only for that someone to come back with an assumption and a proposition for friends-with-benefits. The idea may be appealing from your perspective, but perhaps not so much from hers. Especially since that could change her perspective of you entirely.

As for the last part, you mentioned that you haven't seen her since your date. I'm not sure on how long exactly, but time has passed. And if she was attracted to you, well, you'd be hearing from her and possibly seeing her again in person or at the very least making plans to do so. It simply doesn't sound like she's interested.

At the end of the day, I was proposing that you'd probably have better luck finding someone else. I assure you, at no point did I feel antagonistic towards you, but I do sincerely apologize if that's how it was conveyed.

I have seen her since the post and now I don't think it was wishful thinking (I did ask her point blank before the date) and now I think she was being nice. Oh well, it's hard to find women when you're fresh out of school and have no job.

Edit: And apology accepted.

 

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