Apathy, Depression, Whatever It's Called

Escapists, I've been dealing with stuff and it's gotten to a point where I feel that posting on a forum might help me make more sense of it

Basically, things have gotten less and less of a reaction from me; in the end, I feel like there's no point to it all. This is also felt by myself fearing that I'll never amount to anything somewhat successful in life; it will end in failure

I constantly feel that I have nothing "good" about me; everything I do, someone else does it x100 better than I could ever hope to do. I fear people's judgments about me, I don't want people to hate me or anything. Just this past week, I've avoided being the few people I usually talk to at lunch

I have self-body issues; even though I go to the gym and don't eat much/eat somewhat healthy, it doesn't look appealing at all.

I have had thoughts of suicide in the past and recently they've sprung back up again; it would be easy, just lock the garage door, turn both cars in and just wait

And to top it all off, I feel so damn guilty over feeling this; people have it worse off than a suburban white male, what right do I have to complain about some minor issues like these?

Any advice or something?

Friend, I am no expert.
But let me riddle you this -
Something interesting I found on the internet in my travels was this sentiment:

If you don't care about something so much to the point of considering suicide, the world is your oyster.
Think about it.
You don't care? Does that mean you have no regrets?
Do whatever you want then! Pissed at your dad? Knock that fucker out! Buy a guitar and play it. Blow a bunch of money on something nice like an Alienware PC. Take your car to the next few states over and get a prostitute. Become an Astronaut.

When you don't care, you can do anything. Why do nothing?

Brown Cap:
Friend, I am no expert.
But let me riddle you this -
Something interesting I found on the internet in my travels was this sentiment:

If you don't care about something so much to the point of considering suicide, the world is your oyster.
Think about it.
You don't care? Does that mean you have no regrets?
Do whatever you want then! Pissed at your dad? Knock that fucker out! Buy a guitar and play it. Blow a bunch of money on something nice like an Alienware PC. Take your car to the next few states over and get a prostitute. Become an Astronaut.

When you don't care, you can do anything. Why do nothing?

That is really, really bad reasoning and shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what it feels like to be depressed.

For starters, many people want to commit suicide to feel like they have at least that much control over their lives. Not all methods of dying are equal. Most suicidal people have an idea of how they want to go, so to tell them they can just be as reckless as they want because they don't care if they die is just stupid. There are worse things than dying, like becoming crippled, thus robbing you of what agency you currently have. Also, people with severe depression don't want to buy a guitar or become an astronaut. They want to die. The whole point is that the OP doesn't feel like he'll ever be good enough. Telling someone who feels defeated and in despair to just go out and do things is unhelpful and ignorant. Finally there's always the possibility that they'll chicken out at the last moment, at which point all the stupid things you encouraged the OP to do will come back to bite him in the ass. What you're essentially encouraging him to do is "seal the deal" because if he goes and catches an STD from a hooker, or winds up broke, or gets himself into trouble with the law by punching out people he doesn't like, suddenly he's going to have to go through with the suicide to avoid the consequences of his actions. That's not helpful in the least, so please actually think about what you're saying before you go touting nonsense as though it's the cleverest thing no one ever thought of.

OT: I would suggest talking to your friends and family first, or if that's not an option, go see a psychiatrist. There's no reason to feel guilty about how you feel. Yeah, you technically have a better life than a lot of other people, but you're not taking anything away from them by feeling unhappy. You're wouldn't be contributing anything to them by enjoying your life.

I'd strongly recommend talking to a doctor or therapist. Suicidal thoughts and body-dysmorphism (the thing where you think you look bad regardless of your actual physical state) are serious issues. It's very difficult to deal with these types of things without he help of someone who knows how to handle them.

PsychicTaco115:

And to top it all off, I feel so damn guilty over feeling this; people have it worse off than a suburban white male, what right do I have to complain about some minor issues like these?

If you saw a butterfly and it made you happy, and then someone else held their newborn and it made them happy, would you think that you had no right to be happy over a butterfly when there was something so much greater happening? Of course not. So why does the existence of worse situations make your sadness invalid?

Something else to keep in mind is that depression can mess with your perceptions. You might feel bad telling a friend about your problems because you think they have it so much worse than you do, while they may think the situation is about even, or completely opposite.

PsychicTaco115:
Any advice or something?

See a medical doctor; a trained professional. Depression is a disease, and there is no more shame in that than there is in catching the flu. If you want to kill yourself, then something has gone wrong with your brain. Take it seriously. Get help fixing it and don't rely on the words of a bunch of people who don't know you and have never even seen your face before.

manic_depressive13:

For starters, many people want to commit suicide to feel like they have at least that much control over their lives. Not all methods of dying are equal. Most suicidal people have an idea of how they want to go, so to tell them they can just be as reckless as they want because they don't care if they die is just stupid. There are worse things than dying, like becoming crippled, thus robbing you of what agency you currently have. Also, people with severe depression don't want to buy a guitar or become an astronaut. They want to die. The whole point is that the OP doesn't feel like he'll ever be good enough. Telling someone who feels defeated and in despair to just go out and do things is unhelpful and ignorant. Finally there's always the possibility that they'll chicken out at the last moment, at which point all the stupid things you encouraged the OP to do will come back to bite him in the ass. What you're essentially encouraging him to do is "seal the deal" because if he goes and catches an STD from a hooker, or winds up broke, or gets himself into trouble with the law by punching out people he doesn't like, suddenly he's going to have to go through with the suicide to avoid the consequences of his actions. That's not helpful in the least, so please actually think about what you're saying before you go touting nonsense as though it's the cleverest thing no one ever thought of.

OT: I would suggest talking to your friends and family first, or if that's not an option, go see a psychiatrist. There's no reason to feel guilty about how you feel. Yeah, you technically have a better life than a lot of other people, but you're not taking anything away from them by feeling unhappy. You're wouldn't be contributing anything to them by enjoying your life.

From someone that's been in a strikingly-similar sounding position, I very much agree with this. When people told me that kind of thing I very much felt like backhanding them in the face.

Talking to people is your best way out. Don't do what I did, which is bottle it up for years and then have an epic breakdown. It might actually be easier to talk to a therapist than friends or family, because you don't want to feel like burden or that you're being pathetic. the benefits of talking to friends or family is that they'll make sure you're looking after yourself, so if you're not getting out of bed until 5pm, they'll nag you about it.

Feeling the way you do is not uncommon and it's not a minor thing, you're not being silly by trying to get help. If you're in school or college or university, they'll probably have a free counselling service, it's very convenient and if your mood is preventing you from working as well as you'd like then they can make arrangements for you.

PsychicTaco115:
snip

Hey,

I wish I could really help here, some of the stuff you say you're going through sounds really familiar. But besides a whole bunch of platitudes there's not a lot I can say that will be any direct help.

If, however, you feel like you need to talk to anyone, feel free to hit me up.

As someone who suffers from MDD, Social anxiety and all sorts of crap, my advice is to see your doctor right away. Its not easy, but the worst thing I ever did was assume I could sort it out on my own, and instead I just had 10 years of misery and suicidal thoughts.

See your doc, get some drugs. They will help rebalance your brain chemicals, which makes it easier to then look at what bothers you.

Next, see a therapist. As useful as it is talking to friends or family, your best bet is to see someone trained to help with this kind of thinking.

PsychicTaco115:

Any advice or something?

Go. See. A. Doctor.
I myself do not suffer from depression, but I have some friends I hold very dear who are clinically depressed, and from what I have gathered, bottling it up and keeping it to yourself is quite a common way to deal with this, seeing as you usually feel that "something isn't right with you", which is a cause of shame for many, but it really shouldn't be, seeing as these feelings are due to your brain-chemistry going "bad".

So go see a psychiatrist and get a therapist.

They will be able to help you much more than an internet forum, no matter how experienced the members of the forum.

And don't you go kill yourself, I still want to record a podcast with you, without you dropping out of it in the middle.

As a bipolar sufferer,I know those feels. Follow everyone's advice and go to the doctors. Everyone suffers depression at one point and in the end it makes us stronger. When this is over, you can think "Shit bro, I'm hard as nails innit?"

But seriously, whenever I feel like it again, I remind myself I've got through it so many times, I can do it again and again.
You shouldn't feel the need to be better than others. You're wonderful the way you are and you should focus on being the best person you could possibly be rather than comparing yourself to others because in the end, if we were all equal it would be shit.

Speak to someone, anyone. I've been on my arse so many times and lots of those times I've reached out for help for people to completely turn their back on me or make it worse. My mum (also a sufferer of depression) is awful for this. I've stopped telling her my feelings. People have held their hands up and walked away. It hurts but now I know those people can go fuck themselves if they aren't there to help me so it's better in the long run.
You're not alone. Help can come from unexpected sources. The last time I felt like you, I desperately sent out a group text of 'please help me, I'm not strong enough to go on.' and I was overwhelmed by the response.

Taking up a hobby helps loads, especially if you're good at it. I took up baking and cosplaying and it makes me feel wonderful. I had to try a few things out before I settled but I'm glad I did. Even the distraction is a nice thing.
You realise you need help, so please go to a doctor. Talking to anyone about your problems seems to releif a lot of stress too. I'm always a PM away if you need me.

And where would we be without your hilarious Taco themed avatars? Huh? Didn't think about us did you? :p

PsychicTaco115:

Basically, things have gotten less and less of a reaction from me; in the end, I feel like there's no point to it all. This is also felt by myself fearing that I'll never amount to anything somewhat successful in life; it will end in failure.

You're 17, Taco. This is typical for young men and women your age and up as exemplified by several threads popping up over the months (usually in Off Topic) where the OP's felt that they had wasted their life and/or would never amount to anything. The oldest one was a mere 23 years old, IIRC.

Keep that in mind while I work through this...there's a point, BTW.

PsychicTaco115:

I constantly feel that I have nothing "good" about me; everything I do, someone else does it x100 better than I could ever hope to do. I fear people's judgments about me, I don't want people to hate me or anything. Just this past week, I've avoided being the few people I usually talk to at lunch.

When I was a child my mother went to see a doctor because my father insisted on it. She told the doctor "I'd be all right if everyone would just leave me alone." Or words to that effect. What she said, however, about "wanting to be left alone" was a key symptom for people who suffer from clinical depression.

PsychicTaco115:

I have self-body issues; even though I go to the gym and don't eat much/eat somewhat healthy, it doesn't look appealing at all.

Among the pictures you've posted here over the months some have shown you shirtless. You're in fine physical shape--no surprise given that you're a swimmer.

You're going to go through at least 2 major growth spurts in the years to come. One will come in your early twenties as your body changes from an adolescent's body to a young man's. Then another as you...well, mature towards your physical prime around twenty eight.

These two growth spurts are why you can glance at males and discern that some are physically younger/older than others. I didn't grow in height but broadened appreciably as I approached my late twenties. The differences in photographs are notable.

PsychicTaco115:

I have had thoughts of suicide in the past and recently they've sprung back up again; it would be easy, just lock the garage door, turn both cars in and just wait.

I, too, had many thoughts about suicide in my late teens and early twenties. Ironically I'm not the least afraid of death but the mere thought of the pain--the staggering agony--my suicide would inflict on my loved ones was what always kept me from suiciding.

Don't hurt the ones you love by hurting yourself, please.

PsychicTaco115:

And to top it all off, I feel so damn guilty over feeling this; people have it worse off than a suburban white male, what right do I have to complain about some minor issues like these?

Don't go down that path, Taco. We are not gods.

As Americans (and especially white American men) we have it better off than well over half the world's population simply because of the location of our birth. Sympathizing and even empathizing with other's pains and sufferings is a good thing so long as we don't let it overwhelm us. We are social animals. Caring about others means we aren't sociopaths.

But like the Buddhists say "Moderation in all things--even moderation."

***************

Off quoting/Still on topic:

I checked with my mother before commenting, here. She was once diagnosed with depression, as I said.

Her situation, however, was very different. She was a grown woman with 4 children (I'm the baby) a loving husband, a house with three acres and a large garden, waaaaayyyyyy too many cats and dogs (we lived in the country) etc, etc. Yet she was still very severely depressed.

Her doctor didn't prescribe anti-depressants. Maybe because she never liked taking medicines but also because it was a different time and doctors didn't throw drugs at people as reflexively then as they seem to do today.

No, instead he told her to find something to be involved in. Something that would force her to interact with others.

Long story short--she got a job. She'd had one before having kids and we kids were all old enough that her staying around the house full time was unnecessary. She was going crazy (literally) rattling around that house.

She worked in the aerospace field until she retired.

The others have suggested you talk to a doctor or therapist. That advice is sound.

I'm going to suggest that you find something--even a job (or perhaps especially a job)--to force you to interact with others and to get you out of the house and away from brooding.

Last point--do you remember that time about 2 months ago when I played the crazy psychotherapist analyzing you in the IL chat? Do you remember what my diagnosis was?

"I've determined the cause of your problems, Mr. Taco. I'm afraid that the problem isn't immediately solvable but I can assure you that your condition is transient: You are a teenager!!!

Your reply: "The horror... ;_;"

We're here, Taco. You aren't alone. :)

PsychicTaco115:
Escapists, I've been dealing with stuff and it's gotten to a point where I feel that posting on a forum might help me make more sense of it

Basically, things have gotten less and less of a reaction from me; in the end, I feel like there's no point to it all. This is also felt by myself fearing that I'll never amount to anything somewhat successful in life; it will end in failure

Dude you still have plenty of time to be successful. You're also not at a point in your life where you really need to be worried about it yet. You're 18? Relax and enjoy your life. Things don't have to be run run run, you can slow down and take a breather to get your affairs in order. It's actually probably for the better instead of jumping into something that might not be for you. It's normal for someone your age to be indecisive about your future.

PsychicTaco115:

I constantly feel that I have nothing "good" about me; everything I do, someone else does it x100 better than I could ever hope to do. I fear people's judgments about me, I don't want people to hate me or anything. Just this past week, I've avoided being the few people I usually talk to at lunch

I have self-body issues; even though I go to the gym and don't eat much/eat somewhat healthy, it doesn't look appealing at all.

You know that's not true, just look at all the people who recognize you around here. They wouldn't recognize you just for posting frequently, there's something about you they like. You stand out to them. If you like doing something, but you feel like other people do it better than you, then push yourself to be better than them. That way, you'll slowly improve yourself and it will feel great.

PsychicTaco115:

I have had thoughts of suicide in the past and recently they've sprung back up again; it would be easy, just lock the garage door, turn both cars in and just wait

That's a dangerous thought process to go down :(

When I felt that way, I thought about all the people I'd be hurting and I couldn't bring myself to inflict that kind of pain on them.

PsychicTaco115:

And to top it all off, I feel so damn guilty over feeling this; people have it worse off than a suburban white male, what right do I have to complain about some minor issues like these?

Any advice or something?

You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Part of depression is being sad while the circumstances in your life don't really give you anything to feel sad about. It always helps to talk to someone, like others have said, you should go see a doctor. There's nothing to be ashamed of. If you don't think your depression is worthy of treatment look at it this way...

If you have Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, you have a chemical imbalance of your adrenal glands. This condition will really really screw up your quality of life, and if left untreated (or in severe cases) becomes a medical emergency.

If you have Depression, you have a chemical imbalance of your brain. This condition will really really screw up your quality of life, and if left untreated (or in severe cases) can become a medical emergency.

If you ever need someone to just vent to, you can also pass me a PM. I'll be around to listen. We care about you Taco!

The only real advice I can give (since all the rest of it would be super hypocritical :D) is never judge your accomplishments by those of another.

I mean, it is fine to appreciate and learn from others, but never say 'Man, look at what they can do. I could never do that.' Mostly because (in my case, at least and in many other artistic folk I've met) are actually not super proud of their work. They do work and all they see is faults. They go look on an art site and only see people who are more 'talented' than they are.

You are a super awesome person, don't judge your talents by anyone else because they aren't you, friend! You are the one and only you, and you are a pretty incredible person.

Thought I'd give an update:

Went to talk to the school counselor and we're trying to find someone now

Best of luck :)

Perhaps you should contact a therapist and see if cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) would be the best approach. That's what I've been doing for the past year or more.

 

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