Sexual Guilt

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I'm not really sure how to start this, to be honest. I guess a bit of exposition couldn't hurt.

Ok, here goes. I'm 18 and I'm pretty sure I lost my virginity earlier tonight. It wasn't exactly the experience I was expecting. I guess I should start at the beginning. Yesterday I was hanging out with my really good friend, as we both had the day off. After doing the usual routine, driving around, getting something to eat, etc. we end up at the house of one of his female friends. All three of us end up sitting on her bed and talking for a couple of hours. We exchanged numbers, as is customary when meeting friends of friends. She seemed kind of enamored with me, to the point of actually grabbing my genitals through my jeans on a couple of occasions. And considering that I'm a fairly conservative guy who's only been in two relationships, I blushed harder than a Victorian gentleman in a lingerie store. It starts getting a bit on the late side so we call it a night, and I drive my friend home before going home myself to go to sleep.

Fast-forward to today and she calls me saying that I left something over there. My inhaler, to be exact. I have more than one, (I like to keep a six month supply around just because I'm paranoid.) but I still wanted to get that one back. So I drive to her house and crawl through her bedroom window, because despite being the same age as me, she still lives with a parent. And heres where things get a bit... graphic.

So basically that was my first sexual experience and I just feel empty and disillusioned. But maybe that's my fault for romanticizing how things really work, it just didn't happen the way I pictured it would. I feel like I took advantage of someone and that I now have to abandon all pretensions of being a decent person. All I feel is guilt.

So that brings me to my point. Have any of you Escapists had similar experiences? Was your first encounter the same way, and this is just normal? Am I an asshole for what I did? I appreciate any feedback I get, even if it reflects badly on me.

Also, Mods please feel free to delete this thread if you feel it appropriate, my intention isn't to be obscene, I only want perspective and discussion.

Coming off fairy-tale poisoning?

I mean, yeah, we all know that sex isn't like how it's depicted in endless terrible movies and so on, but we often still believe things we know not to be true.

But...guilty? Well...if you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't have to be, you should feel under no obligation.

OTOH, yeah, really really awkward. If she's upset, you're not going to feel good about it.

I had a friend who had a similar experience. It basically ruined his relationship with that girl and left him feeling quite uncomfortalbe for a while.

I think their are a fair amount of men (and you seem included) that treat sex as something a lot more special and intimate than the "vocal majority" of men (who would have sex at the drop of a hat). Ultimately, sex isnt a necessary thing in a relationship, and nobody (INCLUDING MEN DESPITE WHAT POPULAR CULTURE WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE) should feel forced to have sex.

At least this experience has taught you more about yourself. It's good to know what boundaries you have.

And to answer your question: 2) I have not had a first encounter yet, and I see what you went through is very uncomfortable. 3) You are NOT an asshole. You dont "owe" anything to someone who forced themselves on you, even if you reciprocated. However, that "let's still be friends" thing is a bit assholish. You should at least be honest about with them about why you feel uncomfortable. If they make fun of you for it, then they're an asshole, and forget them. Otherwise, it's a chance for them to learn certain behaviors arent universaly accepted.

I've always had the fear that if I had sex with someone I would not feel the same as them. Like after I masturbate I just feel blank (maybe its all the dopamine rushing to my brain) and really have no feels at all. I feel like I would not feel anything toward the other person and that all I wanted was the physical part. Kind of sad actually because I've never been able to hang on to a relationship for very long. I have no idea if theres any escapist physiologist's on here but I would like to know what these symptoms might be. At least a broad idea.

Uh, think you're gonna have to marry this girl dude. She's had your inhaler in her room.

On the real though, it was just head and it doesn't sound like she was interested in anything platonic.

Wickatricka:
I've always had the fear that if I had sex with someone I would not feel the same as them. Like after I masturbate I just feel blank (maybe its all the dopamine rushing to my brain) and really have no feels at all. I feel like I would not feel anything toward the other person and that all I wanted was the physical part. Kind of sad actually because I've never been able to hang on to a relationship for very long. I have no idea if theres any escapist physiologist's on here but I would like to know what these symptoms might be. At least a broad idea.

So...what are you supposed to "feel" when you masturbate? Are you supposed to feel like you're in love with the porn star you're watching while you fap? Are you supposed to feel enamored with your right hand? I'm serious, exactly what feelings are you expecting to have, and where are these feelings supposed to be directed when you're doing the horizontal mambo by yourself?

william12123:
However, that "let's still be friends" thing is a bit assholish. You should at least be honest about with them about why you feel uncomfortable.

Yea, I'm not going to say that that's the biggest regret I'm gonna take away from this, but I do wish I had said something different. I know it's just a clichéd face-saving line, but I honestly didn't know what else to say. Chalk it up to experience I suppose.

As a person who's been told that line a few times, it's just not a fun thing. I can understand that it's uncomfortable to outright reject someone, but at least it's less confusing than the "I like you, but not like-like you" message that "let's still be friends" is.

But as I said, you dont owe her anything, so just be aware of that in the future.

The way you describe it, it seems she kinda forced a blowjob you didn't want in the first place. Awkward as hell but hardly the end of the world.

Johnny Novgorod:
The way you describe it, it seems she kinda forced a blowjob you didn't want in the first place. Awkward as hell but hardly the end of the world.

I might not be explaining things right. I mean, how hard would it have been to stop? I was going along with things of my own free will, though admittedly I wasn't really expecting that. I can't exactly claim innocence.

Here's something you need to understand about sex. It's not special. It works just like everything else in the universe.

It's exactly what you put into it.

If you romanticize it, then the experience will be judged solely on that merit. If your just out for the fuzzy feelings deep in your groin, then that's what you'll get.

What I'm saying is that it's all in your head space. I felt like that the first time I had sex too, though I luckily wasn't in a position where I had to 'dine and dash,' as it were.

Try to channel your younger self - remember a simpler time, when all you needed to do to get a drooling grin on your face was to get the round peg into the round hole on your play set.

Because that's all sex has to be, really. I know its a tough transition, but I think you'll find your adult sex life when get noticeably easier and more amusing if you can do so. Besides, you might as well look at it like a game of peg and holes.

Both of them end with the same stupid grin on your face.

Mossberg Shotty:

Johnny Novgorod:
The way you describe it, it seems she kinda forced a blowjob you didn't want in the first place. Awkward as hell but hardly the end of the world.

I might not be explaining things right. I mean, how hard would it have been to stop? I was going along with things of my own fee will, though admittedly I wasn't really expecting that. I can't exactly claim innocence.

You were a bit vague about this in the OP but did you or did you not climax? That's what I understood by "...in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment", but you were deliberately vague on the issue. If you did, leaving like that would be "rather" rude, even though you were obviously freaked out and confused. If you didn't, I think you're in the clear, regarding etiquette. Either way you probably wanna talk it out and apologize. Even if you don't have to, it'll make you feel better. I mean you did play along for a little while, right?

Don't be ashamed of it, just learn from it. I lost mine back in October to a girl I barely knew and later became friends with. I was in the same camp as you, feeling kind of disappointed, disillusioned and kind of silly. It's normal to feel that way after all the talking from friends, the near incessant blathering on about it in pop culture (especially in the west) and the 18 years of build-up from porn/masturbation. If you want it to feel special though later, you just have to imagine it that way and try it with someone you really care about, which is my current situation. To me, the sex is a lot better because I feel confident around my significant other and comfortable enough to explain and try things.

Johnny Novgorod:

You were a bit vague about this in the OP but did you or did you not climax? That's what I understood by "...in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment", but you were deliberately vague on the issue. If you did, leaving like that would be "rather" rude, even though you were obviously freaked out and confused. If you didn't, I think you're in the clear, regarding etiquette. Either way you probably wanna talk it out and apologize. Even if you don't have to, it'll make you feel better. I mean you did play along for a little while, right?

Sorry, I wasn't deliberately being vague, lets just chalk it up to modesty. But yes, your interpretation was correct, and I felt terrible about splitting on her. But I did stick around for a couple of minutes after, so I guess that at least makes it a little better? I did apologize later, for whatever that's worth.

Mossberg Shotty:

Johnny Novgorod:

You were a bit vague about this in the OP but did you or did you not climax? That's what I understood by "...in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment", but you were deliberately vague on the issue. If you did, leaving like that would be "rather" rude, even though you were obviously freaked out and confused. If you didn't, I think you're in the clear, regarding etiquette. Either way you probably wanna talk it out and apologize. Even if you don't have to, it'll make you feel better. I mean you did play along for a little while, right?

Sorry, I wasn't deliberately being vague, lets just chalk it up to modesty. But yes, your interpretation was correct, and I felt terrible about splitting on her. But I did stick around for a couple of minutes after, so I guess that at least makes it a little better? I did apologize later, for whatever that's worth.

Your first time is always awkward and confusing. Forget everything American Pie taught you, it doesn't have to be special and heartwarming. You're not going to marry the first girl that gives head (you don't have to anyway). You panicked, you fled, not the best of reactions but OK, you were out of your element. Just so you know though, it's more or less common decency to stick around after the fact. Doing it and jumping ship is obviously going to make you feel guilty, and it'll make her feel bad.

Well, you didn't really lose you virginity if it was oral sex.

Secondly, unless you told her or gave her the impression that you would be interested in more then you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Not being interested in her isn't your fault, you would only be at fault if you intentionally misled her.

Saying everything was a mistake was a bit harsh though, it probably would have been nicer to say that you enjoyed the time together but that you aren't interested in anything more or anything serious.

Haha, ahhh, first times. Always weird, awkward, and a volcano of emotional diarrhea.

Also, sex makes everybody stupid when it happens. You were a little verbally clumsy, but all of this is just a crossroads in your journey to self-discovery. Don't regret it, just try to learn from it!

A girl wanted to give you a blow job? On no I feel so bad for you....

On the real though, first times are like that. Although it wasn't actual sex. I think most people would still consider you a virgin if that was bothering you. I'd rather not be specific about my sex life even anonymously on the internet but your first bj sounds better than mine.

There's nothing wrong with it, if you felt shame because you didn't want it to be with just any girl I understand. It's all a matter of perspective really, and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty, it's not like you forced yourself on her. You also should try to feel a little less guilty about leaving, you were being earnest and stayed longer than some guys would, especially in this awkward instance where a parent was home. I mean it's not like you were gonna cuddle afterwards. Life is strange sometimes.

First things first, as others have probably mentioned: You have not lost your virginity. Oral sex, despite the name may be a sexual act, but is not sex. (Note: Whether or not she swallowed has no bearing on this, but clarification on this point is welcome for high-five related purposes)

Anyways, I'm not getting the problem..

I mean, I get the guilt after the fact, seeing as you bailed on her after getting some head like an asshole. But.. Why did you feel bad after the oral, exactly?

Do you not like this girl? Perhaps I missed part of your post explaining how you weren't actually interested in this girl, in which case sure, you should feel bad about letting her blow you just to ditch her afterwards, but if not, what was the problem? Why not return the favor and carry on, why are you bothered about any of what you describe?

The only thing you should be ashamed of is the fact that you've left her, not that you did anything in the first place.

In any case, whatever man. If you're into her, get the fuck back there, apologize for being an ass and pursue relationship related options. If not, quit whining and move on. You'll feel bad for a while, sure. Suck it up, you stop caring as much once you get involved with someone new, so look forward to that.

I think it was Louie C.K. who said that "Losing your virginity is just supposed to be this stupid, tragic, silly moment and you only get it once."

But you only got a blowjob! You're still a virgin, so it doesn't even apply to you. Maybe you are an asshole for what you did, but you've got still about 6 - 8 years of maturing ahead of you; kids are assholes, and if that's the worst thing you've done, you're doing better than I was. You apologized, so just chalk it up to childhood and move on. Seriously, this isn't a real problem.

Although, you could've at least given her oral too.

And I'd like to add that I don't think anyone's first time is particularly romantic. Nope. For most of us it's, as Louie said, a tragic, silly, stupid mistake. And after we make that mistake, we're free to move on with our tragic, silly, stupid lives.

She gave you head and you flew? OP, you are now moraly obligated to give her tongue!

After a climax, the male usually loses interest and is easily distracted. After all, there could be predators lurking in the bushes (ain't I funny?). Try to explain yourself to her, if you can. If being disillusioned gives you such a bad time, you could try and get to know her a bit better to learn of her loveable side, allthough after saying, you just want to be friends, this could turn out to be a bit hard.

I'd say, yeah, you are a bit of an ass but sex is something that can be very confusing in the beginning. At least you know you are confused and didn't do the right thing.

As for personal experience, I was extremely dissappointed in sex in the beginning. But I still had time to experiment and after a while, me and my partner got better at it. But it can be a bothersome process. You also have to talk about it with your partner and that can be very awkward.

Let me point something out here.

If that girl is someone who gives blowjobs to people she met on that day on a regular basis, she's probably had more awkward encounters already.

And if not, who the fuck cares. Maybe now you know that shit isn't for you and you're the kind of guy who isn't into fucking girls you hardly know.

Since you're not used to sex it's very understandable that you freaked out due to her being so straight forward. It's quite assholeish to bail after cumming though. You could've mentioned your virginity, but that might've turned her off or gotten her to try even harder. If you're intrested in seeing her again I think it would be best if you told her.
However, as others have said, oral sex isn't the same as having sex.

My first time wasn't much fun either. I was 13 or 14 years old, the girl was a few years older. I was really, really bad and she did the dead fish routine. The first time is supposed to awkward and bad. If someone didn't experience that I'd say they're the lucky minority.

i never really was in a situation like that, because i know myself well enough to know i don't hop onto a woman the day i meet her (as i'd really regret it; it just isn't for me).
that being said, my first time was as it "should" be (for *me* of course, hence the ""; to each their own :) ); first get into a relationship, then get to bed, then have THE awkward first time

with that out of the way... i get why you feel a bit awkward (although you kind of could have seen the whole thing coming; a call in the middle of the night from a girl who grabbed your crownjewels earlier that day, under the pretence of a forgotten inhaler? that's a cliché in itself ^^ ), although you don't need to feel bad (as in having done something morally completely wrong) in any way - she's certainly done that before (sounds a tiny bit easy, this young woman), she initiated the entire thing, and although at first you were taken by surprise - and for that time it was consensual, you decided to say no after a while, which is your right.
more importantly: as you didn't wait for getting your share (if i understood you correctly) and then bail out, leaving her hanging, you don't have a case of nail & bail here. hell, you could've jumped onto each other, and as long as both of you had a good time all would've been fine (from that point of view), even if *you* might regret it afterwards - one night stands and/or casual sex aren't for everyone.

so, long story short: at the end no harm's done, you learned a lesson about yourself, move on, gather more experiences, keep maturing - and welcome to the world of young adults; no, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but the ups and downs are both worth it :)

You're a guy, you don't have a virginity to lose.

Plus you got a free blowjob.

I don't really see a problem here, you don't owe her anything, its not like you agreed to anything or made a deal with her. You're not the one taking advantage of anyone, but it could go the other way around, you're feeling guilty and she could take advantage of that. Though by the sound of it she just wants sex, but hey if you think you're not ready for that then just don't do it.

Ah disillusionment, the juice of life and sweet nectar of experience.

PS: Use a condom when you do end up fucking kiddy, you don't want to get stuck with bills for little ones out of the blue.

You did nothing wrong and you did not take advantage of this girl. Drop the angst, because it's a waste of emotional energy and utterly self-indulgent. Consider this a missed opportunity because she clearly wanted it more than you did. There really is no point in over-complicating something that is so simple, so pleasurable and so freely-given as casual sex. Next time, just go with it and try to have fun.

Mossberg Shotty:
I'm a fairly conservative guy

That's pretty much all I need to know. I'm assuming you were also raised in a conservative (and likely religious) household, possibly also in a conservative neighbourhood. You were likely brought up with the belief that sexual expression/enjoyment is shameful/sinful (perhaps not stated outright but certainly implied) and so had absolutely no idea how to react when you were eventually faced with the reality of it.

Long story short, blame your parents. :P

Don't worry dude, you're still a virgin. I'd also say maybe calm down and just talk to the girl odds are if she sucks your dick right after meeting you she's not looking for a ring on her finger, she just thinks your hot and wanted to fool around.

Also that's not forcing herself on you, it would be if you resisted and hadn't already been making out with her. Some girl giving you head when you're in the throes of passion isn't "forcing herself" on you, it's just good form and you could have just said no, she did not force you.

Don't feel guilty. Do you know why sexual activities feel so damn good? To make us want to do them. Sex is as special as you build it up to be.

Moved to the Advice Forum, I think people will be a bit more civil in here.

I'd think you're still a virgin, if you only got oral sex. (Gratz, btw, even if you do feel guilty =P)

To be honest, you obviously don't know all that much about her yet, you've only known her a few days. I think you did the right thing by not taking advantage of her. For all you know, she could be having personal problems and wants to distract herself with sex. (I dunno, I'm just guessing. She probably isn't and I'm just as innocent as you).

Either way, if you don't want to rush into that kind of thing, then don't. It's your decision to make, no one elses. =]

sky14kemea:
For all you know, she could be having personal problems and wants to distract herself with sex. (I dunno, I'm just guessing. She probably isn't and I'm just as innocent as you).

Or she just enjoys having sex like lots of women do (shock horror some actually love giving blowjobs too). I wouldn't start worrying about mental health issues just yet. and I'm sure it wasn't your intent but be careful because it's coming dangerously close to "A girl enjoys sex? There must be something wrong with her."

Eh, the only times I ever feel guilty about some sexual escapade is when I wake up too drunk to remember it having even happened - because that's when mistakes are made.
So, you're uncomfortable with sex outside of a relationship. That's totally fine - but you didn't rape anyone here. After a bit of thought you realised you're not into the idea, but it was consensual going in. That goes for both of you. That girl invited you , you both made out on her bed. This is a pretty mutual scenario, which she had an awful lot of control over. You got nervous, you decided you didn't want it. Want some advice? It's okay to say no. No matter how far you get with someone, at any point, you're allowed to be honest and back out of a situation that you're not comfortable with. The only reason she'd be upset is because she just got friendzoned, not because you took advantage of her - you didn't.
You feel guilty, but you've not done a thing wrong.
Also, in my book, you still only got to third base.

To answer the discussion questions, my first time was outside of a relationship, a few days after meeting the girl. We dated for a couple months after that but it was mostly just sex. And neither of us regret that happening.

Spot1990:

sky14kemea:
For all you know, she could be having personal problems and wants to distract herself with sex. (I dunno, I'm just guessing. She probably isn't and I'm just as innocent as you).

Or she just enjoys having sex like lots of women do (shock horror some actually love giving blowjobs too). I wouldn't start worrying about mental health issues just yet. and I'm sure it wasn't your intent but be careful because it's coming dangerously close to "A girl enjoys sex? There must be something wrong with her."

Y'know, I'm glad you called me out on that, because that's a really good point. :/

I might've been pushing my own insecurities with my comment, when the answer is probably a lot more simple, a.k.a she just enjoys having sex.

I need to learn to stop jumping to the worst case scenarios. =P

Nail and bail, haha that's a good one. But on a serious note, she forced herself on you and you feel guilty. Really?

Imagine if the roles were reversed, you forced it on her do you think she should have to feel sorry?

If I was her I'd be kind of insulted, not because you weren't interested, but because you felt she wasn't of rational mind to make a conscious decision, that you took advantage of her.

wulf3n:
Nail and bail, haha that's a good one. But on a serious note, she forced herself on you and you feel guilty. Really?

Imagine if the roles were reversed, you forced it on her do you think she should have to feel sorry?

If I was her I'd be kind of insulted, not because you weren't interested, but because you felt she wasn't of rational mind to make a conscious decision, that you took advantage of her.

Threw herself at him? Yes. Forced herself on him? No. If they were making out he was at least interested, she proceeded to escalate and he was free to stop it anytime he wanted, he did not. It'd be forcing herself if it was against his will, which it was not.

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