My mom completely and shamelessly dissed my first girlfriend.

I am 19, a university student. After all the "friendzones" and humiliations, I finally got together with a girl. She's 16 BTW. But, everything went completely south, when my mom found out, that I slept over at her place on the couch first day we actually went out ( because she lives in an another town and all the buses already left before I could find out about that, it was kind of embarrasing, but her mom was kind enough to allow me to stay). Now, I told my mom all about her, and she actually started calling her a hobo, on the account that her father is long gone and her mother having 4 daughters (2 of which are long gone with their respective husbands) and her house being kind of old, and mom not getting as much income. Also mom called her stupid, just because she had to start school a year later (she doesn't care about that). And ofcourse mom thinks that she will ruin my life and take money from her.

None of those things are true, or maybe they are, maybe I am just looking at her through rose tint glasses. What should I do? My mom has a history of being completely bat shit unreasonable, and i really like that girl, and so does she. But, I depend on my mom, so dissing her in favor of the girl might not be such a good idea.

EDIT: There's obviously more to the story than that, with possible high level of deception and prejudice. I'd just like to know if this is worth the trouble and maybe I should abandon this ship before it sets sail and crashes into the nearest iceberg, and lay low on port 'mom' until I completely get on my feet and then actually consider getting a girlfriend, or if that fails, stay a miserable misanthrope for the rest of my life

Just ignore your mum and move as far away as possible at the earliest convenience. My mother is also a psychopath but it's much easier to love her from a distance. Some people just can't be reasoned with.

Ryleh:
Just ignore your mum and move as far away as possible at the earliest convenience. My mother is also a psychopath but it's much easier to love her from a distance. Some people just can't be reasoned with.

Here's the thing, I already live 50 miles away from her, in a dorm for the 5th year, but still, I can't keep anything secret from her. Also, I have a knack for making bad life decisions, and sometimes, listening to mum might just have been the sensible thing to do...

Fair enough. Perhaps just avoid mentioning the whole girlfriend thing. She's definitely out of line from what you've described in your first post so I wouldn't lose any sleep over whether she's got a point or not.

Are you dating this girl or is your mum?

I think you'll find it's you.

Do you like her? Yes? Then what can your mum say?
I really don't want to come off as rude but you're 19, so start acting like it.

Legally, you can't rely on her any more. You don't need your mothers approval to do things any more.

I might try suggesting she meets her before making an opinion? She might change her mind then.

I think she's worried because of the age gap which shouldn't be a problem if it's legal in your country. She's probably trying to ward you off her, a lot of parents don't like their children's spouses :/
She's definitely being immature and unfair, give the poor girl a break if she's only 16. If you want to keep it cool with your mum, try introducing them. If she sees that your girl is lovely, she might warm to her, maybe all she needs is time.

You don't need to tell her everything, especially if she's a bit nutty. Let your mum know that she can like it or lump it - it's your life, not hers. You might have made mistakes, so what? This might be a mistake but how can you grow as a person if yo don't fuck up once in a while? I can guarantee your mum isn't perfect and has cocked up a few times.

Don't let her sway you or control. Do what YOU want to do, if it doesn't work out then sucks but you tried. And no, you won't die alone .__.

Oh, this is creepily similar to my first relationship too :s his mum hated me, called me a tart, bitch, slag, whore, gold digging bitch etc because we were the ages you two are now.
Strange coincidence :s

When it comes to my personal life I treat my parents like I would mushrooms - keep them in the dark and feed them shit. Even if you've living with them or are financially dependent upon them it doesn't give them any moral authority to know everything about you or control everything you do.

Take this as a lesson to not tell your mother anything that isn't directly her business. Is it going to change how you live at home? Will she ever be forced to see your girlfriend? If the answer to those questions is "No" then don't confide in her.

Next time you sleep over at your girlfriend's house make sure you don't spend it on her couch.

Ha, ha, ha. Our generation is screwed. You know something must be wrong when even the teenagers are giving a damn about what their parents say.

sushkis2:
*snip*

My 2 cents.

Don't talk about her with your mother. The more you talk about her, the more ammunition you give your mother to diss her.

Downplay when you're with her, and when she does say terrible things, just bite you lip and ignore it.

If she asks about how your relationship is going, outright tell her you won't say anything, as you don't want the one you love shamed by your mother. But say it in a non-malicious way. If your mother has any sense, she may notice that she will miss out on an important part of her son's life, as well as losing his respect.

I say never leave a relationship because someone doesn't like you together.

If my mother said such things about my GF, man, I'd rise at the change to point out the million and one issues she has.

Terramax:

sushkis2:
*snip*

My 2 cents.

Don't talk about her with your mother. The more you talk about her, the more ammunition you give your mother to diss her.

Downplay when you're with her, and when she does say terrible things, just bite you lip and ignore it.

If she asks about how your relationship is going, outright tell her you won't say anything (in a non-malicious way), as you don't want the one you love shamed by your mother. Or, tell her very little, so she gets the message that you're very reserved when talking about your personal life. If your mother has any sense, she may notice that she will miss out on an important part of her son's life, as well as losing his respect.

I say never leave a relationship because someone doesn't like you together.

If my mother said such things about my GF, man, I'd rise at the change to point out the million and one issues she has.

sushkis2:
My mom has a history of being completely bat shit unreasonable, and i really like that girl, and so does she. But, I depend on my mom

Cut your dependance on your mom, she sounds toxic. Tell her that if she makes you choose between them, with your mom's history, she's history. Maybe that'll shock her into learning a bit of respect.

EeveeElectro:
Are you dating this girl or is your mum?

I think you'll find it's you.

Do you like her? Yes? Then what can your mum say?
I really don't want to come off as rude but you're 19, so start acting like it.

Legally, you can't rely on her any more. You don't need your mothers approval to do things any more.

I might try suggesting she meets her before making an opinion? She might change her mind then.

I think she's worried because of the age gap which shouldn't be a problem if it's legal in your country. She's probably trying to ward you off her, a lot of parents don't like their children's spouses :/
She's definitely being immature and unfair, give the poor girl a break if she's only 16. If you want to keep it cool with your mum, try introducing them. If she sees that your girl is lovely, she might warm to her, maybe all she needs is time.

You don't need to tell her everything, especially if she's a bit nutty. Let your mum know that she can like it or lump it - it's your life, not hers. You might have made mistakes, so what? This might be a mistake but how can you grow as a person if yo don't fuck up once in a while? I can guarantee your mum isn't perfect and has cocked up a few times.

Don't let her sway you or control. Do what YOU want to do, if it doesn't work out then sucks but you tried. And no, you won't die alone .__.

Oh, this is creepily similar to my first relationship too :s his mum hated me, called me a tart, bitch, slag, whore, gold digging bitch etc because we were the ages you two are now.
Strange coincidence :s

This^

You need to learn your own lessons in life anyway. Regardless of whether she is or isn't a bad egg you need to experience it for yourself instead of living through your mums experiences.

Just lie through your teeth to your mum and enjoy yourself with this girl. At 19 you're a young man and you should get into the habit of making your own choices and your own path in life.

Be rational and deductive. We cannot tell you. We do not know. Neither does your mom. Maybe she is in it for money, maybe she loves you. You can ride it out or hop off and regret it. You've already gone this far.

If she requires constant gifts to be happy, listens to mindless music and talks without saying anything... well that is a pretty good warning to get out

sushkis2:
maybe I should abandon this ship before it sets sail and crashes into the nearest iceberg,

Yes, you should. Distance yourself from your (s)mother immediately and do what damn well makes you and your girlfriend happy. You're an adult. Just because somebody is a) your relative and b) older than you doesn't make them correct by default.

Flutterguy:

If she requires constant gifts to be happy, listens to mindless music and talks without saying anything... well that is a pretty good warning to get out

Fine if she's always begs for gifts but "mindless music" and "talking without saying anything". I feel like that's, I don't know, tiny bit prejudiced? I think death metal is "mindless" music and talk about appearance is ridiculous but I do know that there are people who wont agree with me so I still wouldn't judge them based on it. Do you understand what I'm trying to say. Btw, I'm a women.

Ikajo:
Fine if she's always begs for gifts but "mindless music" and "talking without saying anything". I feel like that's, I don't know, tiny bit prejudiced? I think death metal is "mindless" music and talk about appearance is ridiculous but I do know that there are people who wont agree with me so I still wouldn't judge them based on it. Do you understand what I'm trying to say. Btw, I'm a women.

Prejudiced, yes. Still if one is incapable of logic, deduction and extrapolation, anything they come in contact with will suffer their ignorance. Man or woman.

Now seeing as I do not know this mans girlyfriend all I can do for him is say what traits should be avoided in people. Arguments made to this are very hard to do without sounding like a prick. Seeing as I refuse to lie about my opinion or take the time to sugarcoat it, I sound like a prick.

Prejudiced, yes. Still if one is incapable of logic, deduction and extrapolation, anything they come in contact with will suffer their ignorance. Man or woman.

Now seeing as I do not know this mans girlyfriend all I can do for him is say what traits should be avoided in people. Arguments made to this are very hard to do without sounding like a prick. Seeing as I refuse to lie about my opinion or take the time to sugarcoat it, I sound like a prick.[/quote]

But what you are describing is very subjective. It's not really traits, it's just whatever you agree or not with the person you talk to. There are different kinds of logic, mathematical and linguistic and aesthetic logic as examples and not everyone can use all of them. They don't even work the same way. Deduction is the same thing, there are different ways.

Extrapolation, eh... In mathematics, extrapolation is the process of estimating, beyond the original observation interval, the value of a variable on the basis of its relationship with another variable. (from wikipedia). I will just tell you, a lot of people are bad at math and they wouldn't be able to understand that.

I don't think your a prick, I think you're ignorant. I'm not really going to take anymore space from a guy who in the end must make his own decision but I don't think you doing him or yourself a favour by declaring you think other people are idiots. And you really didn't talked about logic or the rest in the first post. Then it more sounded like you thought everyone not agreeing with you is an idiot. I hope that wasn't your intention, so just be careful.

You're at a time in your live where you need to develop your individuality. Talk to your mother. Let her know that you're planning on continuing dating the girl, regardless of what she says. Promise her that you won't do anything stupid (like getting her pregnant, really don't be an idiot). And ask of her to respect your choice. It might be the wrong one, but you've the right to discover that for yourself.

You're at a time in your live where you need to develop your individuality. Talk to your mother. Let her know that you're planning on continuing dating the girl, regardless of what she says. Promise her that you won't do anything stupid (like getting her pregnant, really don't be an idiot). And ask of her to respect your choice. It might be the wrong one, but you've the right to discover that for yourself.

Keep dating this girl. I mean you're 19. Your can't still let your mother dictate your personal life like that. That being said, take things slowly with your girlfriend. Don't offer to pay for her often, if at all. And keep your eyes and ears open for signs of her trying to take advantage of you.

It's your choice and yours alone if you want to keep dating this girl or not. But if you keep dating her, that doesn't mean you should blind yourself to what might or might not be wrong. Love isn't blind, it's stupid. Love makes you do stupid things if you're not careful. Just keep that in mind and enjoy the chance to experience a relationship.

And if in the end it turns out that dating her was the wrong choice...well, that's part of growing up. You need to be allowed to make your own mistakes so you can learn from them.

 

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