Another relationship thread(Kinda). Just could use someone elses opinion.

So I was thinking of making an alternate account to discuss this but seeing as no one I know visits the escapist and I doubt people will judge I am going to go ahead and post it regardless.

So I had this girlfriend for a good 5 years right? Really nice girl, easy to get along with and we managed to move into this relationship from a best friend scenario beforehand (which as everyone knows is not an easy move because both sides are always worried the other won't feel the same way blah blah blah)and got pretty serious. Eventually sometime last year we broke it off due to a stupid fight (is there any other kind?) with both of us being stubborn asses. And this is the part where things get complicated so I'll try to make it easy to follow.

*Ex gets a long-distance girlfriend
*Ex becomes extremely kinky
*Ex gets a friend with benefits from her campus who gets her into the dom/sub thing
*Ex digs being a dom
*Ex and I reconnect and apologize, deciding to be best friends again
*Ex wrangles me into Dom/Sub thing as another fwb
*Ex starts to feel like she and her girlfriend aren't getting along as well
*Ex tells me she is starting to get a thing for her other fbw but isn't sure where its going or how she feels
*Ex drags me and my best friend into a skype chat while we are all drunk, asks him to be her slave blah blah blah and he agrees

And heres the kicker, after asking us both a bunch of questions regarding what we would do if we could be in a relationship with her (she described it as a bachelorette type game for fun) she reveals to me that my best friend is in fact her other fwb (she lied about it being someone at her campus) who first got her into the whole dom/sub thing. This is the guy I went to talk about our breakup, the guy who I talk to whenever I am feeling down about it and the dude who I could always count on. I didn't know what to feel, I was just kind of shocked. This was literally just hours after telling her I didn't want things to be weird between us because of our previous relationship and wouldn't pursue anything she wasn't interested in or judge her relationships (which is probably why she decided to tell me) so of course I didn't freak out and acted like everything was okay.

To tell the truth I am just a little shook up, I mean I still want to pursue a sexual (and if she decides it more)relationship with her, I still want to be friends with my best friend and I want to keep my promise to not be weirded out or judge or interfere with her relationships but I mean how do I not get thrown through a loop by "yeah that other guy I've been telling you about is your best friend"

Oooooh boy.

Now listen here;
Unless you have absolutely no real feelings for her, you need to leave this completely alone.
She's obviously just pursuing sexual fantasies and you're a tool for her, just like your best friend is.

If you get into any of this whilst still wanting a serious relationship, you're not just going to get your heart broken but also your ego absolutely destroyed.

Now things get even more interesting;
Your -best friend- went on to have kinky sex with your ex, without telling you, and whilst you were still in the process of getting over it.

That person does not sound like a best friend to me. More like an asshole.
Personally, I'd tell him good luck with his life and never speak to him again. But that's just my way of doing things.
If you can get over that, you're more forgiving than I am.
If you can go on to pursue the same sexual partner as him... Well... I don't know what to say really.

It sounds like you're ditching all your sense of selfworth to be with a woman that doesn't feel shit for you and is just using you to furfill her sexual power fantasies.

On the other hand, if you're in it for the sex and nothing more than the sex, power to you.
I have a feeling you're not, though. This sentence: "I still want to pursue a sexual (and -if she decides it- more) relationship with her," just seems COMPLETELY off. You're gunna get used. You're probably already being used. And you'll get your heart broken.

In my opinion, these people fucked you over. I would never put up with that sort of thing.
It's just a girl. You'll find another. This one sounds like only trouble.

You have a terrible friend. Holy cow.
Ditch the suckers? Or enjoy the sex while you go search for something better. But forget the idea of something more, you will most likely get disappointed.

I'd just stop talking to them cold. Don't respond to texts, don't respond to e-mails.

And if they get all concerned, point out the fact to the best friend that he used your goddamn breakup to get kinky poontang, and if the ex gets concerned, point out that she's BEEN LYING to you, and had a full masquerade-style scenario set up to lie to you indefinitely. How the hell are you supposed to REALLY trust that with say, your house? Livelihood? Secrets? A key?

Because goddamn, I wouldn't be able to stop micro-analyzing anything she said after finding out something like that.

I realize that it would be smarter to just leave these people alone and never talk to them again but I really just can't bring myself to do it. I have been friends with this guy for 8 years and friends with the girl for 6 (in a relationship for around 5) I am 21 years old. That isn't the kind of thing I can just bring myself to let go because of a fling. These people are my two best friends in the world, I talk to them about everything and always come to them for help and am always there for them as well whenever they need anything. They are so interwoven into my own group of other friends that just dropping them would mean having to avoid entire groups of people entirely. How can I bring myself to just let all that go? Can I even have to right to be mad when I was no longer in a relationship with the girl? It isn't like she my property or loving her is my right alone. But the feeling of being stabbed in the back is just driving me crazy and I don't know how to trust them anymore. I want to just forget about and pretend it never happened, hell I wish I would have never started a relationship with this girl sometimes just so I wouldn't feel this way.

You either take a hit now or you take a hit later.

I'm pretty sure that if you stay in this "relationship" that hit'll be much harder.

Also, you don't have to stop seeing your other friends. Who cares if they show up at the same party? Just pretend you never knew them.

Take your pride and go. Put these people out of your mind.

That is my advice, anyway. It's your choice whether you follow it up.

For the record; Yes, you have the right to be "mad". Your best friend fucking your ex is bad enough; Them trying to use your feelings for the ex to furfill their sexual fantasies... Words fall short.

I think there's a time for being the bigger person and taking things in stride and forgiveness, but at some point you're just letting horrible people take advantage of you.

An ex-girlfriend who nonchalantly bangs your best friend without telling you about it, and who ropes you into a bizarre and potentially very painful dynamic involving said best friend? A best friend who bangs your ex-girlfriend of five fucking years behind your back, after he was your go-to guy and rock in the months following your break-up, without telling you a damn thing? I'm sure these people have their good qualities. No one is 100% evil. I'm sure you shared a lot of meaningful, fun/romantic times with both of them. But these are selfish, reckless, terrible people by most sensible metrics, and I'd be excising them from my life as quickly and permanently as possible, were I you. They've done things that can't really be undone, and it's best to eject such people/experiences from your life and move on to (hopefully) better relationships.

Your friend hasn't been acting like a friend. She just wants sex from you. You want more from her. That never ends well.

I would suggest you get out and stay out - leave with dignity, you will get crushed by this.

My advice is to flee. Get out and stay out.

There is almost no chance that any good (from your POV) can come of this and hoping on that almost non-existant chance is a sucker's game. Being a spare cock when you could be getting on with your life without the fucked up complications? Do you really need to think about that? All you're going to do is get yourself hurt... and get yourself hurt walking the same old path over and over.

You don't need this sort of bullshit. Cut it from your life.

Your "best friend" is a rat and deserves a punch on the nose.

You should never have reconnected with your ex when stuff started getting messy.

That's all, really. I wish I could give some more in-depth analysis or Zen life advice, but "ABORT ABORT ABORT" is the best option here. Cut these negative people out of your life, refuse to let your emotions be played by people who obviously care so little about them, and find better people.

No really, I'm joing the "Abandon ship" sentiment here. No matter how bad you want to have sex (and if she decides it more) with her, you're simply doing yourself no favors.

And please, please, stop calling them "your friends". Stop thinking of them as "your friends". They aren't. Friends don't double-cross friends. You said it yourself. You can't trust them anymore. A person you can't trust is not a friend. They can still be acquaintances. But they simply don't get concessions out of you anymore.

Abandon ship dude. That guy is an asshole, and she is an asshole. An important part of any relationship (and I would say even more so when a kink lifestyle is invovled) is transparency and honesty. How can you make an informed descision otherwise? This has bad news written all over it.

The last time that happened to me, it lead to an eventual break down on my part. By breakdown, I mean crying and sobering.

A. Your friend went behind your back like a vulture.
B. Your ex doesn't respect you.

Like most people would say: abandon ship.

Cut the contacts and find some new better friends.

EDIT: I sounded douchy on that one. My bad.

I don't think pursuing a serious relationship with the ex is that smart. There's definitely trust issues here. stark contrast in what everyone said in the thread above, if the sex is still awesome I'd stick with the weird love triangle until something happens like meeting another person and feel you should dial back/cease the FWB situation. Good sex (and even better if it's a kink you enjoy, is it? That wasn't clear) is not to be scoffed at.

I say this as someone currently several years into a wonderful loving relationship with amazing sex, looking back on some the harrowing years of sexual drought in my life.

Edit: Missed the second part. It's probably something you should all discuss out in the open and then either explain that's why you're bailing on them or sticky with the sexy-sex.

Oh, ouch, dude. That'd hurt like mad if it were me.

I'm also with the "abandon ship" crowd.
You're gonna get used and hurt.

They both kept details from you and lied to you. That's not something you should be a part of. For your own mental health and emotional well being, get the fuck out of there.

Also, fuck your 'best friend'. That's not what friends do, let alone best friends.


Reply to Thread

This thread is locked