Sexless Relationship?

So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and shes incredible and I'm loving every moment of our relationship.

Except the lack of anything sexual.

Minus one night where we got a bit heated we haven't done anything sexual at all.

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

But the more I think about it and what signals shes sending the more it seems like sex is moving further and further away from our relationship. And while I hate to be that guy I do kind of want to have sex, to me its sort of important.

So what do I do? I don't want to break up with her over this but I can't confront her about it as she gets offended. So I'm lost.

How old are you guys?

Assuming you're both legal adults, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex - just as there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex. But two people who fall on opposite sides of this particular fence probably shouldn't be in a romantic relationship together. You'll pressure her for sex, she'll resent it, you'll hold back and resent her, and so forth. Physical compatibility matters, and you guys aren't on the same page.

You can try to get on the same page, and that will involve talking. Don't confront her, as you put it, but definitely engage her in conversation about this. Is there some reason why she doesn't want to have sex? Is it purely a lack of interest? Is she worried you'll use her for sex and then leave? Is she religious or traditional? Asexual? Not attracted to you? Did she suffer some trauma? Don't grill her like I have here. Just let her know you want to have sex, you want to have it with her, and you'd like to know if there is a reason why that can't happen.

Wanting sex is completely normal and reasonable. It's a part of every relationship and let me tell you right off the bat:
If you want sex to be a part of your relationship and she doesn't, it's not going to work.

Now, I have an ex which didn't really want to have sex either and I had to squeeze it out of her at times (which ofcourse kind of dampened the fun). She never gave me a good reason, but I know that she was extremely insecure about herself, which I think was part of the reason why she didn't want it.
I quite often got the impression she experienced it as painful (hence, we never went very far), which made me worry, to be honest. In the end I never really got a clear answer, and I can't help but feel she was hiding the truth.

Anyhow, you should call her out on the fact that she is questioning the sincerity of your feelings just because you want sex to be part of the relationship. That's completely unreasonable, and it sounds like she just tried to make you shut up about it by making an unreasonable argument (that thing that women do, lol).
It worked, but it doesn't remove the issue.
You're a guy and you need sex. If it never happens, the relationship isn't going to work and you two are better off splitting up. So she either starts coming clean about why she doesn't want sex, or you should consider leaving.

That's my two cents. Use of it what you will.

Saviordd1:

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

Typical non-logic there: 3 months with no sex, you ask for sex once, and suddenly it's "JUST about sex"... jeeze.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters in this thread. Maybe a sexless relationship is right for some people, but if that's not what your expectation of a relationship is, then it's by no means unreasonable or shallow to end things. For some reason some people see romance as good and virtuous but sex as base and shameful, when of course they're two sides of the same coin.

Maybe there's some important reason this girl wants to keep things non-physical. Maybe it's purely down to her personal philosophy and morality. The best you can do is be honest with her in the hopes she'll be honest with you in return. Explain your position: physical affection is an important part of a relationship for you, you're at the stage where you consider your relationship serious, you want to fully demonstrate your feelings for her, but if she doesn't return those feelings for you then please could she tell you sooner rather than later because you're putting your feelings on the line. Something along those lines anyway.

If it turns out you don't have compatible libidos then that could well be a reason to end the relationship. Perhaps she'd be willing to stay friends; it doesn't necessarily have to be a final bitter farewell. Some couples make good friends but bad lovers, and vice-versa.

Good luck and be true to yourself.

Some women don't like sex for physiological or physical reasons. Some simply lack a sex drive.
Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for sex and I feel awful about it, I think talking about it would have just made her feel worse.
It does depend on how you word yourself. Saying, "Hey, we never do anything sexual" is a pretty poor move. If she's like me, she'll be aware of that and you pointing it out won't help matters.

Have you tried asking why? Has she had a bad experience in the past? Is she asexual? Perhaps only after 3 months she doesn't trust you enough to sleep with you. I waited 4 months until I had sex with my first serious boyfriend (now I wait like... 4 minutes LOL) because it takes time for some people to give themselves to a person. If she's a virgin, even more so.

Things like the pill can affect your sex drive, bare that in mind too.

If still nothing comes of it, you will have to decide how important sex is to you. If you like this girl enough to be in a sexless relationship, by all means continue.
If sex is something you need, then you both want different things from this relationship and it's probably best to move on.

FieryTrainwreck:
-snip-

We're both college freshmen, shes 19 and I'm 18.

It hasn't gotten so far as resentment but I fear you might be right and it could get there, like I said she was pretty miffed about me bringing it up.

And according to her she "Just doesn't quite get penises" thats her reason, not sure how valid that really is.

SimpleThunda':
-snip-

You're probably right, I'm gonna give it a least a little longer before I make that sort of call but if sex is completely out of equation for us I don't think it'll work.

Batou667:
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Thing all of my ex's tend to become my enemy, sometimes that's my fault and sometimes it's theirs but its a very consistent pattern.

EeveeElectro:

If still nothing comes of it, you will have to decide how important sex is to you. If you like this girl enough to be in a sexless relationship, by all means continue.
If sex is something you need, then you both want different things from this relationship and it's probably best to move on.

I feel like I could like her enough for that, but at the sametime I'm still a young guy. Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon phase I'm not sure.

Saviordd1:

I feel like I could like her enough for that, but at the sametime I'm still a young guy. Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon phase I'm not sure.

You should think a little less about what you are and a little more about who you are. I mean, "I'm still a young guy", that's not really important, what's important is what you want. No use hiding behind the "young guy" thing as in, "of course I want sex, all young guys want sex". You don't want sex because young guys want sex, you want sex because you want sex.

And there's nothing bad about wanting sex. It's just that if your girlfriend doesn't seem to be willing to participate, you two either need to talk this through, calmly, like rational adults, or, if your interests in a relationship differ too much, go your separate ways. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. But you two need to clear this up between yourselves.

It's not you against her on this. It's both of you against the issue. Tackle it.

Saviordd1:
And according to her she "Just doesn't quite get penises" thats her reason, not sure how valid that really is.

Neither did my ex at first, but she was happy enough to figure them out, even if she did have a fairly low sex drive.

I think you need to properly talk about this. Search for a way to bring it up with her that won't make her mad, or sound accusatory. She could be insecure about her body, or how she may 'perform', or many other reasons.

She might also not be that into it, and if you are...that situation will get worse as time goes on, and it'll lead to resentment. Trust me on that one, I've been there.

Just remember that you're not bad or a douche or anything for wanting sex in a relationship, and she's not necessarily bad for not wanting it. It's definitely something you two need to have a proper discussion about, though.

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex from a relationship and it's pretty appalling that your partner would try to guilt you for inquiring. She needs to be upfront with you. If she doesn't want sex, if she's waiting until she's more comfortable with you, if she wants to wait until marriage, she needs to tell you. Refusing to talk about it and getting mad at you just for asking is plain unfair.

Bernzz:
-snip-

Well whenever I try to bring it up in a neutral fashion (As best as I can) she basically just says "I need time".

manic_depressive13:
-snip-

Yeah from this thread I'm seeing I sort of got duped emotionally.

Saviordd1:
So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and shes incredible and I'm loving every moment of our relationship.

Except the lack of anything sexual.

Minus one night where we got a bit heated we haven't done anything sexual at all.

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

But the more I think about it and what signals shes sending the more it seems like sex is moving further and further away from our relationship. And while I hate to be that guy I do kind of want to have sex, to me its sort of important.

So what do I do? I don't want to break up with her over this but I can't confront her about it as she gets offended. So I'm lost.

It kinda sounds like she either has little experience with sex or has had bad experiences with sex. Which at your ages it wouldn't be surprising if she had sex in high school and it flat out sucked. All you can really do is talk to her about it. Even if she gets offended by the conversation, you just need to talk to her about it. Just try to not make accusations and be open and honest about your feelings.

And I would try suggesting to her that you two try other activities to warm up first. There is no point in going from 0 to full on sexual intercourse if she so skittish about it. You said that things got a bit heated once, try keeping it at that level with the promise that nothing more will happen. You might be pleasantly surprised at how soon she decides to push things a little further.

mecegirl:

Saviordd1:
So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and shes incredible and I'm loving every moment of our relationship.

Except the lack of anything sexual.

Minus one night where we got a bit heated we haven't done anything sexual at all.

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

But the more I think about it and what signals shes sending the more it seems like sex is moving further and further away from our relationship. And while I hate to be that guy I do kind of want to have sex, to me its sort of important.

So what do I do? I don't want to break up with her over this but I can't confront her about it as she gets offended. So I'm lost.

It kinda sounds like she either has little experience with sex or has had bad experiences with sex. Which at your ages it wouldn't be surprising if she had sex in high school and it flat out sucked. All you can really do is talk to her about it. Even if she gets offended by the conversation, you just need to talk to her about it. Just try to not make accusations and be open and honest about your feelings.

And I would try suggesting to her that you two try other activities to warm up first. There is no point in going from 0 to full on sexual intercourse if she so skittish about it. You said that things got a bit heated once, try keeping it at that level with the promise that nothing more will happen. You might be pleasantly surprised at how soon she decides to push things a little further.

Well thats the thing, she doesn't even want to do what we did. We went from 3rd base (Depending on your definition of bases) to just making out occasionally.

Saviordd1:

Well thats the thing, she doesn't even want to do what we did. We went from 3rd base (Depending on your definition of bases) to just making out occasionally.

Did you notice that change before or after you tried to talk to her about sex that first time? Because if it was before she may have been spooked after that first 3rd base experience. So she may have been intentionally holding back because she isn't (for whatever reason)ready to have sex with you, and she didn't want to get you both riled up if she was only planning to back down later. Which is pretty smart on her part with the exception of not talking to you about it. That should have been a decision that you made together, but I understand the logic of resisting temptation if it wouldn't lead to anything.

So perhaps talking to her about it and ensuring her that you won't push it beyond 3rd base (or 2nd base whatever works for the two of you) will get her to relax and trust you. You don't know her sexual history, so you don't know if she was with a guy who didn't handle cooling down after 3rd base well. Opening up to her about your past sexual experiences and encouraging her to open up to you may help you to understand why she's so hesitant. If she just doesn't want sex to be a part of the relationship then you may need to part ways. But if it turns out that she had a negative sexual experience,or if she hasn't had sex before, you will have to ask yourself if you want to be patient enough to see her through it.

mecegirl:

Saviordd1:

Well thats the thing, she doesn't even want to do what we did. We went from 3rd base (Depending on your definition of bases) to just making out occasionally.

Did you notice that change before or after you tried to talk to her about sex that first time? Because if it was before she may have been spooked after that first 3rd base experience. So she may have been intentionally holding back because she isn't (for whatever reason)ready to have sex with you, and she didn't want to get you both riled up if she was only planning to back down later. Which is pretty smart on her part with the exception of not talking to you about it. That should have been a decision that you made together, but I understand the logic of resisting temptation if it wouldn't lead to anything.

So perhaps talking to her about it and ensuring her that you won't push it beyond 3rd base (or 2nd base whatever works for the two of you) will get her to relax and trust you. You don't know her sexual history, so you don't know if she was with a guy who didn't handle cooling down after 3rd base well. Opening up to her about your past sexual experiences and encouraging her to open up to you may help you to understand why she's so hesitant. If she just doesn't want sex to be a part of the relationship then you may need to part ways. But if it turns out that she had a negative sexual experience,or if she hasn't had sex before, you will have to ask yourself if you want to be patient enough to see her through it.

Actually we went on a two week break and part of the reason (As she's recently told me) is because she was terrified about how fast we were going, but then when I tried to bring it up again I got the reaction as told in the OP.

Saviordd1:

Actually we went on a two week break and part of the reason (As she's recently told me) is because she was terrified about how fast we were going, but then when I tried to bring it up again I got the reaction as told in the OP.

I see. That sounds about right, the missing piece is why she was so terrified and unfortunately she may not even know that. It sucks, but if you want this to work you will have to be the mature one. Otherwise things will continue on this way and you will continue to be in the dark about her motivations.

mecegirl:

Saviordd1:

Actually we went on a two week break and part of the reason (As she's recently told me) is because she was terrified about how fast we were going, but then when I tried to bring it up again I got the reaction as told in the OP.

I see. That sounds about right, the missing piece is why she was so terrified and unfortunately she may not even know that. It sucks, but if you want this to work you will have to be the mature one. Otherwise things will continue on this way and you will continue to be in the dark about her motivations.

Yeah you're right.

Thanks though :D

I don't get guys that 'demand' sex after a month of dating. But after 3 months it's perfectly reasonable to want to at least be more intimate than making out. It does sound like she's scared of going further. Sounds like this would be her first time too. So it could be even more nerve wracking.

So far everything's fine, but now comes the problem that a lot of young couples seem to have. Whether it is the fault of both sides or one side is different per couple. In this case, it seems to be her fault. The problem is that if you're scared of such a thing, you should talk about it. Even just admitting you're scared or anxious can help a lot, both for yourself and your partner. But she's apparently unable to do so, for some reason. Which I can understand, as making yourself so vulnerable in front of anyone can be very difficult.

It all comes down to this. Are you willing to wait for her longer, or do you think this relationship is going a bit -too- slow for you? And if you do break up with her, don't tell her you do so because she wouldn't 'put out' sort of speaking. But because she didn't trust you enough to at least calmly talk about it.

Hope that made sense. My thoughts are a mess sometimes.

So how are you feeling about all this?

It's easy to say it's the right thing to do, but from my experience I recall that these "breaks" are very uncomfortable, for me anyways. While your partner is figuring out where she wants to go with this relationship, you're at home twiddling your thumbs and leaving the fate of your relationship completely in her hands.

I learned from that, that it's much better to take control yourself.
Personally I'd tell her to figure herself out, and until then consider the relationship over.
If she comes back, you'll know she's certain. If she doesn't, you know you did the right thing.

Also, can we stop talking about bases? ...
I think we're all mature enough here.

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to discuss sex like grown ups. Maybe your girlfriend is overreacting a bit when she says "not everytihng should be about sex", considering you've spent the entirety of your relationship without getting any. It's perfectly normal and perfectly healthy to want sex and to have it. If she can't even have a mature discussion about it I don't know what to tell you.

You should simply ask her where she thinks sex fits in a relationship? It's perfectly possible she is a virgin and uncomfortable with the topic because she has no experience and would rather shut down any action that deal with it in an open manner.

Well, this is actually a type of thread I tend to see in asexuality forums, usually told by the person who doesn't want sex, though there's the occasional thread made from the other perspective. (I'm not making assumptions about your partner's orientation though, because orientation alone only says so much about attitudes towards sex and vice-versa.) While I can't claim to have much personal experience in this matter, I would guess that the most important thing is just to have an open and honest conversation about sex. A lot of the time, the people who talk about their partner wanting more sex than they do might be bitter because they don't associate it very strongly with any sort of the emotional intimacy that they want and/or don't believe that their partners feel that way. I'm sure I'm stating the obvious, but sexual compatibility is an important part of any romantic relationship, regardless how much sex is actually involved. There's no way to know your partner's perspective with certainty unless she discusses it with you. Her reaction when you mentioned sex sounds rather strong, so I presume there is some reason for it, and that may act as a roadblock when trying to communicate about sex, especially since it involved shutting down a potential conversation on the topic. Personally, I think it's unrealistic to ask someone who highly values sex to be in a sexless relationship for the partner's, the same way I think it's unrealistic to ask someone who isn't very interested to have sex 20 times a week. Sometimes, that difference in interest can be solved by simple compromise, but I don't consider it shallow to break up with someone over sexual incompatibility. I hope it doesn't come to that, since you seem happy with your partner otherwise. Either way, I wish you luck, and I hope everything works out!

Musette:
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While I do, in general, agree with what you wrote, I just need to make sure; you're not conflating sex and intimacy, I hope?

Vegosiux:

Musette:
-snip-

While I do, in general, agree with what you wrote, I just need to make sure; you're not conflating sex and intimacy, I hope?

I would hope it doesn't sound like I am! I definitely think there's a distinction between the two. I guess I was just focusing on sex as an expression of intimacy, since some perceive it that way more than others. Since the OP mentioned that his partner made statement that the relationship shouldn't just be about sex, I figured it would be worth making a point that sex in a relationship doesn't "have to just be about sex", because for some people, sex can be perceived as an act of romance as well. To be honest, I see so many forum topics online that are pretty much the inverse of this thread here, and so many people react poorly that I often feel like I need to remind them that sex in a relationship can sometimes be an expression of romantic intimacy as well.

I have definitely seen my fair share of discussions of intimacy online, so I would like to think that I'm aware that intimacy can be expressed in quite a few different ways, be it forms of physical intimacy or emotional intimacy (or a combination of the two). Sorry if I came off otherwise!

Instead of talking just about sex, it sounds like you should talk about exactly what your relationship is. How long do you plan to be together? It could be this girl is afraid you've been chasing her for a booty call, and it could be that she's traditional so doesn't want to give her virginity to someone she doesn't know is "the one". Do you think she's "the one"? Do you think she might spend the rest of her life with you/you might like to spend the rest of your life with her?

Also her "don't quite understand penises" comment tells me she might not be quite sure of her own sexuality or gender identity right now. If you love her, be supportive and be there for her whatever she decides to do. If you don't love her, have the decency to tell her so. I hate to say it but the worst thing that could be causing this is that she may have been abused at some point and just has trouble with thoughts of intimacy as a result, but if this is the case she can tell you when she wants, or she might not tell you. But I don't think you should ask.
Take things slow and talk to her more. Don't be a pressuring douchenozzel but if you expect different things out of the relationship then there's nothing wrong with breaking it off. It's a cliche but it's true that any good relationship has to be built on communication and trust, without those you have nothing.

Speaking as someone who had a multi-year relationship with no sex involved, I understand how frustrated you must be, OP. But being blunt with her seems like...really not the way to go. Sitting down and talking openly will likely help, but if she acts like she did in your example it may just cause her to panic and shut down or push you away, so I'd be careful on that front.

Ultimately...well, from your story I'm seeing a lot of different things. Some of these things are slight generalizations and I apologize for making them but as I've worked with more and more people around your age I find them to be true probably 75% of the time, so I'm not saying you guys ARE in these situations, I'm simply throwing them in as possibilities. Maybe even strong possibilities.

Being 18, 19 years old there's a lot of changes in life. For the first time you're an adult. You've got a lot of stuff that suddenly you're on your own for. Bills, Education, there's just generally a greater level of agency for you at that time. All of a sudden you're free after 17 years of having people making decisions for you. Some people embrace that and love it to bits. Some people (like myself), find it terrifying because suddenly the full weight of the world and even the mundane things of our own lives are on us and we may feel like we're not prepared for that. Add College onto that and I'm sure many people are very confused. Not only do you have the full spectrum of life suddenly in your face but now even the one constant that you had before, school, has changed. Depending on where you go, teachers don't care if you come to class or not, you make your own decisions for when and where to go to class, you make your own decisions on what to take, how to do things, much more of schooling is put on you now. Add on to that the traditional stereotypes of college and things get even MORE interesting/terrifying.

I don't wanna say that you guys are young, but...you're young. It sounds like she's unsure of herself, and as a relatively freshly-minted adult she's likely adjusting to a lot of things. Not everyone hits 18 and goes into the Party Phase (lord knows I didn't) that seems to last until about 24, 25.

Talking with her is probably a good start, as is observation: take stock of what you know about her and her behavior. The way she acts about other things may grant you clues into why she's acting this way about sex, as may anything she might have told you before such as religious affiliation, home or family life, personal values, etc. Obviously I'm not saying stalk her, but just pay some attention when you're hanging out together and examine the past times you've spent together and see if patterns come up. insecurity, trying to figure out her sexuality, anything of course is possible, but you may find some breadcrumbs to the reason simply by being observant. Not saying you should try to have her all figured out since the only person who can ever really know you 100% is you, but if you have a few pieces of insight, they might help you and her if you can get into an open, honest conversation.

I'd think the goal would be to, hopefully through trust and non-sexual intimacy/comfort with eachother, to be able to broach the topic in a way and time and place that allows her to be comfortable with talking about it. The goal is also to determine if that can ever happen BEFORE you try it.

Sex is part and parcel to a healthy relationship. Likely she does not understand that and you will have to coerce her into understanding. If this is the case, she is essentially living chosen mediocrity for both of you.

Or more likely she is quite insecure and you need to get her over whatever past trauma led her to this. Be warned though she could be hiding something quite dark in her past. Or she bought into the false reality displayed in media and is trying to live life to unachievable standards which actually do not make happier people even when achieved. Regardless of sex being a goal or not making your loved one comfortable with themselves is a very noble thing.

 

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