How to say I'm sorry

Escapist, I fucked up big time.

I've been online friends with a girl ever since 2008. We had many ups and downs, but in the end we always pulled through and stayed close friends. She's pretty much my only friend. Hell, we've even said that, while we're not in love (she's already married with kids), we still love each other.

Last night, I was in chat with her and another of her friends via Discord. She commented how someone called her a furry for playing as a boomchicken in World of Warcraft. I tried to joke that, since they have feathers and not fur, she's technically not furry, but actually feathery. However, I've been spending too much time on 4chan, so I didn't say "feathery", but instead said "featherf**".

Now, she's not a full-blown SJW or anything, but she is very pro-LGBT. (I'm pro-LGBT as well, but not to the extent she is.) She immediately asked why I just called her a f**, and why would I say something like that. I tried to sputter an apology, but it was too late. She booted me from the chat, blocked me on Discord, and removed me from her Blizzard friend list. I tried to text her and say how sorry I was, but I haven't gotten a reply back, and I doubt I will.

I've been going through a very rough patch in my life. I lost my job in September, and my younger brother is a deadbeat druggie. She was the one person keeping me sane throughout all of it. I can't lose her too. I've been feeling sick and suicidal since it happened, and I couldn't sleep at all last night.

What the fuck do I do? Is there anything I can do?

Hopefully she just needs time to cool. Ive gotten that way before myself. I mean, if she has blocked most avenues of communication, apologizing will be difficult without bordering on stalkery. If you get that chance though, all I can really suggest is just apologize honestly and considerately. No trickery needed. "Im really sorry, it was insensitive of me, etc". Obviously mean it, but it seems you do.

I dont know her, so I cannot say any of this for sure, but just maybe she was not in the mood for something like that, and it just hit a sore spot at a sore time. So I suppose patience and sincerity is my advise.

I wasn't going to comment, since I don't really have any magic tricks for situations like these. But this has been bothering me ever since I read it. I know how it feels to lose an important friendship, and I hope you two can get past this problem. The best you can do is to just let her honestly know how bad you feel about it, should you get a chance.

Meanwhile, at times like this it's easy to fall into self-recriminations. And what you need to remember is that you really didn't do something so terrible as to deserve being ostracized by your friend, it's simply likely she feels it is expected of her to react in that way because of ideological reasons. So you used an edgy term in a joke between friends? That doesn't make you unworthy of friendship. I don't mean to be patronizing, maybe you fully realize that. But I also know how such strong condemnations can make a person lose sight of their own worth, especially in the absence of other supportive people.

In light of that, and considering you said you've been having self-destructive feelings, I think it's very important that you try to reach out to someone else who can offer you support even while you wait for any possible developments concerning your situation with your friend.

Hope things work out for you. Take care.

In My experience of apologizing (which due to living with my girlfriend for 7 year I have a lot) the most important thing is do not in any way try to excuse the action. You did something wrong, the why is irrelevant. That is a very hard thing to accept sometimes but it is very important.
Accept the blame do not marginalize the issue at all. while it was a small phrase it was clearly a big deal to her and her feelings are more important than the actual issue.
"I'm sorry that was a horribly stupid thing for me to say.That was very insensitive of me and I am sorry for saying it" is a good place to start.

Saelune:
Hopefully she just needs time to cool. Ive gotten that way before myself. I mean, if she has blocked most avenues of communication, apologizing will be difficult without bordering on stalkery. If you get that chance though, all I can really suggest is just apologize honestly and considerately. No trickery needed. "Im really sorry, it was insensitive of me, etc". Obviously mean it, but it seems you do.

That's your best advice bud, that and what iwinatlife said. Just let her cool off and if she's going to be ok with an apology she will be. You have to be understanding of that though, and if she's just decided to cut you out of her life, that's how it is. I've had to delete/block a few people that I've kept as friends after they've just crossed a line, and I've thought to myself "Ok, that's it - I don't know why I keep talking to this guy."

On another note, it sounds like you possibly hear the word fur-f** a lot? You probably got tongue tied and that word rolled off your tongue before you could take it back. I've heard it tossed around as an insult to people. In 2008 I met a guy into furry stuff and he explained to me the "various levels" of furry fandom. No big deal to me, to each their own you know? He had a wallpaper on his laptop that another guy commented on, "OH, are you one of those furf**s?" To which my friend blew up - and the guy backtracked and tried to defend his choice of words and say he didn't mean any offense, but it was too late. We didn't talk to that guy much because he just spoke without thinking how his words were going to be perceived. I have a lot of awkward stories about this guy just opening his mouth and words coming out.

I think sometimes when we're exposed to a phrase or saying often, or if we use it, it's more likely those words are going to come out. It may not be your true feelings - but being around an air of racism/sexism/insults, whether you really buy into those things or not, it's going to come out in your words or actions at some point.

I hope eventually your friend will open communication with you and forgive you.

Friends for 8 years and this is all it took to ruin it?

Holy fuck.

Im sorry i got no good advice for you, because frankly ive never known a friend that could be so flippant to that degree. All i can say is i feel you were treated very unfairly and cannot blame yourself entirely because if all it takes is an accidental slip like that then..frankly its a miracle such a thing didn't happen sooner.

Sounds to me like if someone flies off the handle and throws away 9 years of friendship over a single offensive comment then that person might not be worth having as your "only friend."

Sure, I understand her getting offended and hurt by your comment, but 9 years is a long time to know someone, and I'm surprised she wouldn't at least try to hear you out after how much history you two have.

She sounds really fickle, and if she throws away friends so readily maybe she didn't really like you as much as you liked her.

Kind of sucks to hear, I know.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

It's a kind of strange behavior. Hope she will let you talk to her. And when she does - just say you are sorry if you really are. But no tricks!

It's a kind of strange behavior. Hope she will let you talk to her. And when she does - just say you are sorry if you really are. But no tricks!

Hey dude - looks like a while since you posted the OP. Hope she's come around. If you've already sincerely apologised there's nothing more you could have done. It's just a case of waiting until she cools down and then sending a quick 'how are things' every now and then. If you made it clear to her it was a mistake and you didnt mean it that way then I don't see what else you could have done short of looking desperate. Ive made stupid jokes before and put my foot in it - best thing to do is laugh it off.

If she's in any way reasonable and values your friendship in any way she should have come around by now. Hope this is the case. If not, I'd probably try and find proactive ways to make new friends so you aren't overly reliant on one friendship.

 

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here