Corruption of Newstark: Chapter 1

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>DM: Celebrate this triumph.

>DM: Return to vault, hunt surrounding area for BARCODES.

>Arms: Have barcode.

You've already got barcodes, stupid!

>DM: Retrieve arms from safe.

Your arms are in your FIGHTLOCKER, stupid!

>DM: Retrieve arms from FIGHTLOCKER.

You retrieve your ROBOTIC ARM from your FIGHTLOCKER. You're not really sure why you keep a prosthetic limb on hand at all times, but its barcode will certainly come in handy today.

>DM: Scan ROBOTIC ARM barcode.

Wha... did you guys just add 5 pages in less than 2 days!


Allow me to explain. See, Metroid and I go very far back. He was but a wriggler, and I as well. Over the course of the years, we became a universal constant in various groups and fandoms, and as we loved and lost we learned that in eachother, we had found a lifetime friend. From that day on he insisted that I wasn't allowed to sing anymore, but I do it anyway sometimes behind his back, or when he is asleep and can't hear my love song.

The ROBOTIC ARM opens up a chamber with a ladder leading DOWN-WAYS.

>DM: Descend.

Ah, just read the white text.

To be clear, not questioning the nature of your relationship, or your singing capabilities, just a little shocked at how much content you guys can output in a matter of hours. It's quite impressive.


We're quite impressive at this, and I am quite impressive at singing. At the moment, the narrative has grinded to a halt as I prepare my end-of-act wall of text that will surely blow your collective minds.

Until then, you are always welcome here, Pappy.

Gotta love those massive walls of text.


I am a very busy man. Allow me to hurry things up.

You go through a long process involving precisely 48 multicolored squid-like creatures in their adventures to create a new universe while keeping themselves free of the grasp of Skipper Plumbthroat. After all that is said and done, later you find a rocket.

>DM: Ride rocket like a mechanical bull.


>Blast off.

You do that. It pretty much rules. Also, you can breathe in space now.

You find yourself approaching a massive black moon, upon which exists a noir cityscape.


You cannot land! You are riding an uncontrollable rocket.

>Prepare to crash.

That's more like it.


"Land" is a pretty strong word. You smash into the moon's Hard Rock Cafe, then proceed to slide down the strip, causing humungous civilian casualties. As you triumphantly exit the spaceship, you meet up with John Cusack, grab your motorcycles, and begin chasing after John Malkovich (who has stolen a fire truck).

>Blind-fire your GUN from the motorcycle.

You kill six pedestrians before running out of ammo.


The answer, naturally, is that you weren't.

>Climb onto fire truck.

You fail to note the stupidity of this idea. You're too busy thinking about how badass you'll look doing it.


John Cusack rides in front of the fire truck and kills the driver. No one cares.

Meanwhile John Malkovich is trying to poke you with a steel pokestick and you're hanging onto the ladder at the back of the truck.

>DM: Grab steel pokestick.

You fail to grab the steel pokestick several times. Fortunately, your physical failings are matched by your determination, and you eventually manage to grasp it.

>DM: Break pokestick, stab shard into John Malkovich's leg.

You execute a flawless rendition of the time-honored HIS OWN PETARD maneuver.


John Malkovich punches you in the WOUNDED AREA! Oh no! He defeats you.

Just kidding, you kick his ass and handcuff him to the truck as it veers out of control.

He smashes into a bridge, is electrocuted by power lines, falls onto a conveyor belt, gets his head smashed into pieces, and the fire truck explodes.

Everything is okay now.


I regret to inform you, dear readers, that Corruption of Newstark is now on infinite hiatus as we make progress on the end-of-act flash animation.

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