Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

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>Chas: You enter the room WEST and NORTH of your current location. You see a few IMPS hanging around.

The DOOR at the far end of the room is closed.

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>Greg: After a few moments of concentration, you feel your surroundings slide away, fading into blackness. After a few moments, however, you gradually return to your senses.

You find yourself back on Prospit's moon, sprawled just outside the HOSPITAL. There is a sizable crowd gathered around you. You can see LS at the front of the pack, as well as the tall Prospitian who helped you get him to the HOSPITAL.

As you gradually awaken, you get the feeling that someone IMPORTANT is standing right behind you...

Suddenly becoming completely aware, you sit up and spin around. There before you, stands the White Queen, ruler of Prospit.

Standing head and shoulders above the rest of her subjects, she is pure white, and clothed in a modest robe made of... green spandex. Despite the inherent sleaziness of such a material, she still manages to wear it in a regal manner, making the garment somehow seem dignified. In any case, it's far from the most unusual thing about her.

Wrapped around her neck is a long, flowing white scarf. It's easily five feet in length, but some strange force keeps it constantly floating in the air, bending and curving in a non-existent wind. She also clasps a long wrench in her right hand, holding it like some kind of scepter.

Beyond her accessories, the Queen's hair (You guess it's supposed to be hair; it's kind of hard to tell when her entire body is one carapace.) is rather frizzy. On a less imposing figure, it could be called a small Afro, but the Queen wears it with such an elegance you can't help but be entranced by it. Most of her body seems to be comprised of machinery or plastic; you can see metallic plates covering her right arm and shoulder, and her left arm and shoulder seem to be a few pieces of hardened plastic, covered with a few scraps of black cloth.

Finally, you can't help but notice the ring she wears on her right hand. It is composed of a single golden band, with seven white orbs circling it. Each orb is glowing brightly; they pulse with energy.

When the Queen sees that you have awaken, she offers you her left hand. She says that it is good to meet one of the Princes.

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>Greg: You manage to sneak up on one of the IMPS, who is a little ways away from the rest of his group. Luckily, you're sneaky enough to GARROTE him, and pull him away from the other IMPS without them noticing.

Although the IMP struggles, the lack of oxygen gets to him soon enough, and he passes out. He's not dead yet, but his Grist supply drops out all the same.

You hear a crashing sound coming from your UNCLE'S STUDY.

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>Dirk: Going EAST puts you and Snake Eyes in a pretty empty room. There are what look like a few bottomless pits along the edges of the room, but nothing you can't easily avoid. There aren't any enemies, and the NORTH wall has a wide opening in it, one you can easily pass through.

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>Dirk: Lead into glory

You see the OPENING and it is so blatantly obvious you cannot help but prepare. You grab yourself a SHADES BATARANG before taking the 10 longest pieces of string from your JACKET as you can get and wrap it all into a knotted pair of GRAPPLING SHADES, ready to swing to safety from any TRAPS. You tell SNAKE EYES to stick close for safety as you head through the opening in the NORTH wall.

>Greg:Gawk at the Queen.

You take a few moments to get a good look at her and you can't help but gawk.You have never in your life met a Queen before and you never thought you would.

As thoughts seem to shoot through your brain,it dawns on you that she is holding her hand out to you.

You slowly reach out and grab hold of her hand.

>Connor: Buy some cocoanuts

Well seeing how your system is based on Fallout: New Vegas, fruits and water based items should do extra healing. Ask the vender for 10 cocoanuts and give him the correct amount of money.

>Rich: Be Greg.

W-what? Why on Earth would you want to do that? There are IMPS to choke, and UNCLES to save! You can't just run around, being OTHER PEOPLE all WILLY NILLY. That would just be COUNTER INTUITIVE.
You decide instead to quickly collect the GRIST from the recently fallen IMP, and move on to the others.

>Choke a bitch.
Will do.

Chas: Shoo the imps away.

These guys are little pests. Pure annoyance. Come on, little dudes, you've been through this so many times. Just go. Get out. I'm not dealing with you.

You point at the door and give it the honor of a showdown at noon. Laser eyes versus door. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be too interested in honor or duels, and time doesn't actually exist here. You'll do it the boring way.

You begin blasting away at the door with your LASERFACE.

>Dirk: You head NORTH, and enter another room. It looks like a dead end.

In the center of the room, forming a square, are some weird VASES.

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>Greg: As you grab the Queen's hand, she gently pulls you to your feet. Although she doesn't seem to have a mouth, you get the impression that she is smiling at you.

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>Connor: The SHOPKEEPER hands you 10 COCONUTS, and takes 2,500 of your Boondollars.

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>Rich: You try and fail to be Greg. Only Greg can be Greg.

You manage to sneak back up on the IMPS, and wrap your MUSICAL GARROTE around another's neck, but he manages to attract the others' attention with his flailing. The three remaining IMPS quickly encircle you, and prepare to attack.

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>Chas: The IMPS scatter around the room, skulking along the walls, and stay as far away from you as possible without actually leaving the room.

Sadly, the DOOR is a master at staring contests. Your LASERFACE is pretty ineffective.

>Connor:Go outside and try to open up your coconuts for the sweet juices inside.

That is what's in coconuts, right? Juices? Whatever, you go in front of the store and smash the coconut on your knee lightly, yet firm.

>Chas: Burst through the wall Kool-Aid man style.

You sort of get the impression this isn't going to work. Also, it'd probably rip your suit or something.

>Chas: Join Dirk.

You decide to go the boring way and rejoin Dirk in his section of the STUPID DUNGEON. You decide to show the VASES your laserface, because you are a DUNGEON MASTER despite your hatred of the DUNGEONS which you are the MASTER of.

> [s]Xavier: STRIFE!
"Ba-dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun-dundundundunDADAbunbunbunbun-DA!-DA-DA-DADADADADADADA!"
Or something along those lines should play as you BEATDOWN the IMPS and BASILISKS.

>Connor: You attempt to lightly smash the COCONUT over your knee. This is rather ineffective. You bruise your knee.

The COCONUT is quite hard; it'll take a significant amount of force to smash one open.

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>Chas: Your LASERFACE does nothing to the VASES. It looks like it'll take sheer blunt trauma to break one of them.

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>Xavier: You can have Maplehoof's Adventure.

The IMPS are defeated easily enough, but the BASILISKS are proving quite resilient. You manage to deal some damage to one of them, but they also hit you a few times.

Your HEALTH VIAL is reduced to %78.

>Greg:Stand up

You stand up with the help of the Queen.Although she doesn't seem to have a mouth, you get the impression that she is smiling at you.You blank out for a minute,trying to figure out what to do or say next when you remember about LS.

You ask the Queen for a moment then turn on your heel and walk up to LS and bow before him,telling him that you are glad he is ok and that you are sorry for nearly getting him killed.

You turn your head and thank the tall Prospitian from before as well for seeing LS to safety and making sure he is ok.

>Chas: Equip larger weapon.

Though you had been keeping your DROOG'S SILVERWARE as a stylish accessory in your suit pocket, apparently these VASES are immune to LASER EYES. Which is, like, the worst kind of immunity. You take out your notably NON-LASER-THEMED BATTLESPORK and engage one of the VASES in STRIFE!

Okay, you can't do that apparently. You just lay some smackdown on it.

You trip midway through your charge, nearly landing in one of those endless pits. Whoops. Looks like someone decided this was also the best moment to pester you.

Alright, fine, you'll humor her. Or maybe she will make you humor her. That's probably how this works. You brush yourself off and steady your feet, preparing for another heroic charge.

Oh, no? Again? So soon? That's cool, you guess.

uHHHH,

You think you will do your best to keep your distance from this topic. You glance over at Dirk and then sort of toss the BATTLESPORK at one of the vases.

wooo

Rich: Get dangerous.

So. you're surrounded by a group of vicious IMPS, and and are currently choking the life out of their friend. Many people would be intimidated by a situation such as this. However, you've got an UNCLE to save! This CONFRONTATION is peanuts to you!

You decide to swing the DYING IMP into the others, making a CORPSE PENDULUM.
Er, WHIRLWIND.
CAROUSEL.

YOU'RE SPINNING AROUND WITH A CORPSE.

>Dirk: Smash the vase

Nah, it looks like CHAS has that handled.

Or, you THOUGHT he did. Who is he talking to at a time like this? It's probably that goddamn LETAGE again isn't it? You swear you can SMELL that TROLL'S IRONS up in your FIRES. You are about to make sure those IRONS are going to be COLD forever. Or something. But to do that you will need help. And who could be better than your OTHER TROLL PAL? But, wait, how do you contact him? Waving will just get LETAGE and you really don't want to talk to her right now.

Maybe if you just sort of... reach out and...

>Illire: Pester Future Dirk

Well, you guess that went well enough. By which you mean TERRIBLY. You see that Chas is getting ready to SMASH SHIT, so you just sort of give him the go-ahead and pretend to watch.

>Connor:OW!

OK, fuck this, you use the ONE STAR AGENCY CLUB on it.

>Greg: The tall Prospitian responds that it was no trouble at all. She also seems a bit uncomfortable, and occasionally glances over your shoulder at the Queen.

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>Chas: oooooooh. Yeah, tossing the BATTLESPORK at a VASE doesn't really do anything. It just kind of bounces off the VASE. Which wobbles a bit. Nothing else really happens.

Now that you think about it, the VASES look incredibly easy to grab. Like you could just sort of... reach out and...

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>Rich: ...Yes. YES.

You suddenly do the CORPSEY THING.

The IMPS are pretty much wiped out instantly.

Level up! You are promoted to a level 6 IMP WATCHER. +7,500 Boondollars.

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>Dirk: You strike a pretty awesome pose.

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>Connor: The ONE STAR AGENCY CLUB is also unable to crack the COCONUT. You're going to need to apply a lot more force if you want to break this thing open.

>Dirk: Grab the vase?

Looks like SMASHING it didn't work. You offer your COURAGEOUS LEADER the advice that maybe you can move the VASES around, or something like that.

>Greg:Properly greet the Queen

You thank the Tall Prospitian who tells you it was no trouble at all.You notice that she seems to be a bit uncomfortable and seems to be making occasionally glances over your shoulder at,your guessing,the Queen.

You give another thanks and apologizes before turning on your heel and walk back over to the Queen.

As you get a foot from her you stop,cross your arms and hands across your chest,give your best KNIGHTLY bow and tell her that it is an honor to finally meet the White Queen of Prospit.

You hope that wasn't a bit over the top but again,you have never met a Queen before and you only know how a Knight would greet a Queen.

Granted you may not be a Knight but still...it pays to be polite.

>Chas: Grab...the vase?

You're...not sure you understand. You send a meaty fist vase-ward, hurting your knuckle a bit. This is definitely something you can't really grasp. Dirk clues you in firsthand, and you think you're getting the idea here.

>Chas: Grab the vase.

You slowly grasp the handles of one of the vases, careful not to CAPTCHALOGUE it. Suddenly you understand everything.

You run around and hit the other vases with your vase.

>Xavier: Deal with the music
Its not epic, but its battle music...

>Mage! Eradicate the pests!
Yeah, your kinda doing that, source-less voice!

DO THE STABBY THING
No need for caps locks!

>STABTECH LVL 19: ESSENCES OF DONALD GONZALEZ
You begin a MULTI-MASSACRE of BASILISKS.

>Dirk: Your FRIENDLEADER seems to take your advice. Alright then.

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>Greg: The Queen gives you a slight curtsy in response to your bow.

As she straightens, she asks you to follow her. She says that your friends are more than welcome to come with.

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>Chas: As you pick up the VASE, a small switch located under it suddenly clicks. Nothing else happens.

Hitting the other VASES with your VASE proves to be quite ineffectual.

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>Xavier: Your attack manages to deal some serious damage to one of the BASILISKS, but the other manages to sneak up behind you and deals a serious hit.

Your HEALTH VIAL drops to 57%.

>Chas: Give up.

DUMB STUPID IDIOT GODDAMN FUCKING ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKING ASSDICK DUNGEON

You immediately change your PESTERCHUM MOOD to RANCOROUS and proceed to hit the wall with the VASE, which is a dumb stupid vase for idiot people. After rampaging around for a little bit, your HYPERSENSITIVE EARS, which were totally established in the first post, suddenly realizes you flicked some sort of switch by picking up the vase. You put the VASE back on the PEDESTAL to think about it some more.

Oh, wait, of course. You start dumping some of your more USELESS SHIT into all of the vases, weighing them down. You waste exactly thirteen minutes on this bullshit.

Then you figure out you just need to pick them up. You captchalogue the PILE OF VASES, then throw them down an endless pit where they can all BURN AND DIE IN THE ETERNAL FIRES OF A HYPOTHETICAL UNDERWORLD BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THEY BELONG

GODDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

image

>Greg:Follow Queen

You look back and say to the Tall Prospitian and LS that if they don't wish to follow that you will talk to them later.

You then straighten yourself and proceed to follow behind the Queen.

>Connor:Forget the nuts, just get on with your quest.

Yeah, you'll find a way to open them later. You put them in your inventory. 29.5 wheight. Cool, you got some room left for a sharp object. OK, now what?

>Connor:Go on the boat, and go to your objective.

You head off to the boat, and play this on your Omni Tool while facing your body faces east as you make poses as your ship goes off!

>Rich: Go check on your UNCLE
...what? Oh! Right! Your UNCLE! He's probably in DANGER! You quit FREAKING THE FUCK OUT with your CORPSE BUDDY.

You decide instead to FREAK THE FUCK OUT all the way to your UNCLE'S STUDY.

>Barge in.

What are you, an animal?! You knock politely twice on the door.

>For the love of fuck!
You maliciously STAB and SLASH the two BASILISKS.

>Chas: As soon as you pick up the other VASES, switches under each of them click. An UNDERSIZED KEY falls from the ceiling.

After you toss the VASES down one of the pits, you hear a loud, albeit distant grumbling noise.

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>Greg: The Queen leads you back to her palace, located at the heart of Prospit. Once there, she proceeds to give a monologue full of plot relevent details and foreshadowing. It's a pretty epic speech.

After leading you to the palace balcony, the highest point on Prospit (With the exception of your tower, but those are a bit out of reach right now) she tells you to look up.

Doing so, you are almost blinded by the light emitting from the massive planet directly above you. Staring at the world, you can see hundreds of clouds floating around. In them, strange shapes and visions appear. Time seems to stand still as you are subjected to visions of the past, sights of the future, and shards of the present. You see a blood-stained fork, an imp being thrown through space, a vase hurtling to ground hundreds of feet below, a steel d20 flying through the air, a massive cavern full of miniature suns, and a massive burning city.

After a few minutes, you can no longer stand to stare at the clouds. You look away, your mind burning with the sights you have just observed. The Queen looks at you, and then back at the sky. She tells you to treasure what you've seen; Skaia does not show its visions to just anyone.

When she sees that you have no idea what Skaia is, she laughs in a kindly manner. She tells you that Skaia is the center of the Medium, the Battlefield of Prospit and Derse, the Birthplace of the Ultimate Alchemy. It is a place of great power.

You are then told the history of Skaia, of the two Kings who have dueled for eons upon its surface. Locked in an eternal stalemate, they kept each other in check for countless years, waiting for the Heroes to arrive. But that's all changed now. With the many prototypings experienced by both Light and Darkness, the conflict has grown into one of epic proportions, one that spans across the Medium. Prophecy states quite simply that Prospit is destined to lose this fight, unless the Heroes can intervene in time.

You can see the Queen's mood shifting as she tells you this, changing from matter-of-fact to uneasy, from uneasy to frightened.

She says that Prospit is winning the battle. Dersite forces have made several strong pushes, but it is impossible to deny that Prospit is winning the fight. This should not be happening. This cannot be happening.

Finally, the Queen turns to you. Reaching inside her robes, she pulls out a purple envelope, one marked with a Spade. The Queen tells you that she's received word from an agent of Derse, an Archagent by the moniker Jack Noir. He speaks of a truce; he desires to overthrow the Black King and Queen, monarchs of Derse. Such an alliance is unheard of, but at the same time so many lives could be spared... The Queen has failed in her duty; she does not know which course of action to take. She asks you what you would do.

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>Connor: You follow the MAP given you by the Old Turtle. It takes you on a winding path, and you pass by many lonely islands.

Eventually, you reach the destination marked on the MAP. It's another large island, although this one seems to be entirely devoid of life.

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>Rich: The door is opened slightly by an IMP. Once he sees you, he hurriedly shuts the door again.

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>Xavier: Your STABS manage to take down one of the BASILISKS. The other, seeing his ally fall, backs off a bit, and begins circling you.

>Chas: Solve the puzzle.

You momentarily have a SWEET ZELDA POSE moment with the UNDERSIZED KEY. Yeah!!!

Right on!!!

Woo!!!

YEEEAAAwhere do you go with this. Fucking DUNGEONS.

You begin to throw your HAT down in frustration, but it's sort of...stuck to your...oh god.

This is...

>Chas: Attempt to remove stylish fedora.

Not happening. Dirk's shitty HOT land pretty much glued the mess of candy corn in your hat to your head. PROBLEM SLEUTH only carried a few for a reason, dunkass!

And worst of all, now your glasses are beeping. GODDAAActually to be honest you're not all that angry anymore. Confused? Sure. That's nothing new. You'll save the FEELINGS JAM for GREG.

Well. What did that accomplish? Nothing. You toss the key at DIRK. You fucking deal with it, buddy. Just realizing you're going to have to try and get through this DUNGEON is making you mad.

You go ahead and try to get in contact with GREG. Good to try and sort this out.

Nobody.

>Greg:Listen to the Queen

You follow behind the Queen,content to just let her lead the way as she seems to know where she is going.But the she is the Queen of Prospit so you would hope she knows where she is going.

All the while,as you walk you can't help but look at the buildings that you pass and get that feeling of familiarity from before.You shake your head and try to clear these feelings but to no avail.Well guess there are worse things to feel...anger for example.

After a bit you arrive at a very large BUILDING which you guess is the WHITE QUEEN'S PALACE,located at the heart of Prospit.You are amazed at the sheer size of it but continue to follow the Queen.

She leads you though the PALACE and up a very large flight of STAIRS.You still have no clue where she is leading you but you trust her judgement.She eventually leads you out onto a BALCONY,which seems to be the highest point Prospit,with the exception of your tower.She then tells you to look up.

In later days you might regret doing so but not now.

>Connor: Go on land.

Man, that asshole. You hate him.

Whatever. You anchor your boat off shore and swim to the island that the guy told you about.

>Dirk: Take the key. Solve the puzzle.

You snatch the KEY out of the air and give CHAS a sort of sideways glare as he goes off to rant at someone, presumably having some sort of FEELINGS JAM with GREG. You wonder what his deal's been lately, anyway. You were pissed at this DUNGEON too, but he's off FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT when you've still got your cool even after losing-- well, it's not important now. You guess it really never was.

You look around and try to find something to stick a KEY in. You ask SNAKE EYES if maybe he's seen a spot.

>Chas: Talk to best brorail.

Your VILLAGE TWO WHEELED DEVICE when it comes to FEELING JAMS is off doing some POINTLESS BULLSHIT, of course. You chill yourself out for a second and approach DIRK.

Time to really get your game face on. You're going to have to mask your SLIGHTLY MORE CONFUSION THAN USUAL. Dirk obviously wouldn't take the situation well.

Okay. Maybe DIRK'S a little more familiar with you than you thought. How horribly meddlesome. No matter. Game face stays on. But you can't just let him insult your PLATONIC ALIEN FRIEND like that, can you? Yeah, that wouldn't be right.

HA. HA HA HA. WHAT A FUNNY JOKE, DIRK. HIIILARIOUS.

Stop it, you idiot. DIRK will obviously know that your first response to an oncoming bout with FLUSTEREDNESS is to alternate between old english and 90s lingo.

Smooth as always. Like a motherforking pro.

GODDAMNIT

Phew. Okay. He's right. You're getting a little bit too defensive here about many concepts. Let's just calm down a little bit, and sort things out like gentlemen.

You know. Maybe.

Well, the charm was kind of a cool idea. You know, just a nice notion.

You feel a bit better than you're going to let on. This is probably going to be a bit of an AWKWARD SILENCE.

You figure you'll give GREG a quick chat later, but for now you're going to go chill out with the IMPS in the LOCKED DOOR ROOM. Maybe these guys can be reasoned with.

You walk into the room, where the IMPS appear to be cowering slightly less. You explain to them your complex situation in a manner that makes it seem like you know what you're talking about, and just sort of sit with your back against the wall, having a sort of IMPROMPTU FEELINGS JAM with the IMPS. Maybe these little dudes aren't that bad, you know? You take some of the CANDY CORN MUSH from the corner of your HAT via a CAPTCHALOGUE and toss it in their direction. Peace offering, little dudes. Peace.

>Xavier: VICTORY DANCE
"Do- dodo-Do-dodo-DOO-do"
GOOD KNIFE
BEST WEAPON

>Wait
Your kinda hurt from the battle.

>Xavier: Rub the feather on your face to see if it has magical properties
This probably won't work.

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