Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

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KAMINASPRITE's blade slices through your wrist quickly and cleanly, severing your hand without any problems. Except for, of course, the excruciating pain. Man, who knew that slicing through your nerves would hurt so much?

The taste of cloth in your mouth becomes quite noticeable as your muffled scream tears through the cloak being torn between your teeth. Yeah, it's probably a good thing you stuck that in there; you may have bitten your tongue off without it.

Moving on: KAMINASPRITE engulfs the FULLMETAL'S LEFT HAND with some glowing red energy, levitating it over to your stump of a wrist. Another flash of light and burst of pain later, and you've got yourself a shiny new hand!

Also, you kind of feel like passing out from the pain. There's quite a lot of it.


>Chas: Well, what do you intend to do about that then?


>Greg: You got the GENETIC LIBRETTO! It's just page after page of what appears to be DNA or RNA strands. Seriously, there's like a hundred pages with nothing but genetic code. Except for the last page, which seems to have some weird psalm written on it. (Which will be posted later. Because finals suck.)


>Xavier: The BOSS DOOR ominously slides open, revealing a massive chamber beyond. What's in the chamber is probably epic, and will likely be described in much better detail in a few hours.

Who best to love than the spitting image of yourself?

You know what they say. Opposites attract. Also, new Escapist format: Too much white. Feels like I'm staring at an Apple product or something...

And no, don't expect any updates today, because I somehow managed to screw up my classes enough that my entire GPA depends on the two finals I have tomorrow.

Fuck finals. Seriously. They suck. Why are they a thing?


And the project is like a final, but twice as easy and eighteen times as time-consuming. Urgh.

Also, CJ, is there any time we could do a Rich-FutureDirk1 pesterlog? We never seem to be on at the same time. (If finals are a problem for you, as well, please note that IRL shit takes precedence and I am in no rush.)

Well. The new site update may be the second worst update to a forum I've ever witnessed. Took me 15 minutes from the Escapist home page to get to this thread.

And MetroidNut, it all depends on time zones. Going by Eastern Time, I won't be free until, I would guess, 8:00 PM tomorrow, but if you are on then I will try to be available.

>Dirk: Marvel at new hand


You pretty much SLAM YOUR FACE into the wall something around a dozen times as your scream in extreme pain. A few extra zaps from KAMINASPRITE finally numb the pain. You take a few deeps breaths before BETA-YOU slips your new GLOVE onto your spare hand. He informs you that you need to travel back in time to approximately FORTY MINUTES after your arrived in the MEDIUM. He disappears in a bit of TIME SHENANIGANS, and with a salute to KAMINASPRITE you do the same, hopping back to the past--SAMURAI JACK.

Wait, wait. NO. This is no time to make references. You are on a mission, one that you had to break your promise to your SIS to accomplish, at that. You would love to have been able to keep your promise, but sometimes you need to make sacrifices for the good of others. You are learning a lot today.

You follow your BETA SELF off to a section of your LAND you know that past you won't be exploring quite some time for some training.

>Dirk: Examine surroundings

>MetroidNut: Be on around 9 PM today.

Eastern time zone is best time zone!

Also, yeah, the update is not impressing me. Way too much white space, way too little personality.

>Rich: Talk with Dirk.

No chat client, sprite, dream bubble, interactive game environment, or any of that stuff. You engage in simple, direct dialogue.

>Rich: Captchalogue Sheriff Quickdraw.

You're pretty worried right now. About a great many things. Still, practical things come first; you need to alchemize a few things as soon as possible. For example, a JETPACK for Sheriff Quickdraw. You're willing to fly him around for a little while, but...the Seer of Hope rides alone.

>Rich: Litfof and search for return node.

>GM: Have finals be over, and make a post with actual content. Can do, mysterious voice living in my head!


>Greg: Time for some blatant plagiarism, and blasphemy.


>Xavier: The BOSS DOOR slides open, allowing you access to the next chamber. As you cautiously enter the massive room, the door suddenly slams shut, leaving C-Diddy trapped, but unharmed, on the other side.

However, you're having a bit of trouble worrying about C-Diddy's plight, as your eyes are drawn towards the ceiling, hundreds of yards above you, and the form hanging down from it.

You gaze upon what seems to be an enormous Bat, its claws digging into the clouds that form the chamber's roof, its velvety wings wrapped around most of its body, obscuring it from view. Its head, the only part of the creature's body not enshrouded by its wings, is adorned by a metal visor, one that covers its cheeks and eyes, leaving only its gently twitching ears and mouth visible.

As the door shuts, the creature yawns, revealing a mouthful of glistening yellowed fangs, and a long pink tongue. It does not stir otherwise, however, and appears to be sleeping.


>Dirk: You and Beta-Dirk APPERIFY in a particularly deserted patch of desert (I'm so clever with my wordplay). The only thing around is a rather ominous looking black tree, with long, angular branches and a swarm of roots pouring from its base. It's probably not going to turn into an evil wizard or anything though. Just a tree.

Anyway, yeah. Area that no one's likely to stop by for the next 48 hours at least.


>Rich: You fail to engage in dialogue with Beta-Dirk, as you have yet to earn your GIFT OF GAB ACHIEVEMENT PATCH. If that's even a thing.

You manage to find a RETURN NODE fairly quickly, and return to your house with Quickdraw safely tucked away in your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK. When you arrive, you find SPANDEXSPRITE just floating there. Watching.



WQ reaches out and grabs your hand. She begins to lead you out of the Palace, and through the streets of Prospit. You can hear excited muttering as you walk along, but still can't see anything besides the form of WQ leading you along.

Eventually, WQ comes to a stop, and tells you that you're right before your tower. She says that she must leave you now, and her form flickers for a moment, before disappearing from your view. However, after a moment, you can vaguely see her appear again, miles away at what you assume to be the Palace.

>Greg:Try to discern the meaning of the writings

You read through the passage several times,but other then the fact that it has similarities to some of the passages from the BIBLE,of which you only thumbed through as it was kind of hard to read,you really can't make any sense of it.

You smack your hand against your head,but still nothing.All of that BOOK READING doesn't seem to have helped you here.

You sigh to yourself then pocket the book.You guess it would be a good idea to head back HOME and make that ARMOR Illire gave you the code for.

Just as you turn and leave,you give the spot that the creature was in a final glance and a crossed arms bow.

You all have to follow your own path.You just hope that yours won't lead to doom.

>Greg:Leave Castle,go past the Salamander Outpost,through the Return Node,and back to your home

>Dirk and Dirk-F2: Train

"So... here we are. Just you, me, a big scary as shit tree, and 48 hours to train.

"Couldn't ask for more. So, now it's time to see how that shitty anime hand of yours holds up. How's it feeling?"

"Kinda stiff. Can't move it for shit right now. But we're gonna fix that. So whaddaya say? Twenty-four hours of rehab, twenty-four hours of questing?"

"Sounds great. Let's get started."

>Future Dirk: Leave

You have no choice but to go. You have a feeling RICH is done accepting help from you. But, honestly, what else were you supposed to do? You're certainly not certain your ALPHA-SELF can take LORD ENGLISH. Hell, by logic they likely won't last more than a few minutes against him. But that's the benefit of the kind of personality you have, the lesson that your over-the-top anime heroes taught you over the years. That no matter how grim things get, things can get better. And they will, if you're willing to give it your all. If you're willing to face your fears, overcome them, to accept your faults and surmount them. To kick logic and reason to the curb, and stride into a better tomorrow.

You're monologueing. You stop doing so immediately, and take off in the direction of the next land. You think you've given Rich the push he needs to hit the GOD TIERS, and right now that's your primary motivation. Who's next?

>Rich: Be revolted.

You need to re-prototype that abomination as soon as possible. Unfortunately, you don't currently feel like facing the considerable challenge of finding something to mitigate its monstrosity.

You enjoy alliteration.

>Rich: Commence alchemization binge.

You think you'll start small - specifically, by deploying a cherished CHEKOV'S GUN, the code Illire sent you way back on page 39: "Ab1@lb!!". As promised, you also try his typo-code, "Ab1@lb$".

>Xavier: Think to yourself
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck-", that swirls around your head for a good minute or so.

Afterwards, you proceed to calm yourself down and snoop around for an exit.

...Great! Now you can't get this song out of your head! Fan-fucking-tastic!

>Waffles: Read the GM's post
Oh boy! I can't wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and read Pappy's p-


The Speaker is my Sprite; I shall not want.
He maketh the green pastures for me to lie in.
He maketh the still waters for me to walk by.
He maketh the world, and the souls that will inhabit it.
He guides me to a realm anew, untouched by Life or Death.


He guides me to a realm anew, untouched by Life or Death.


untouched by Life


Great to have you back, by the way, but more importantly-

>Greg: You manage to do that thing you just said, without too much difficulty. You arrive back at your home safely.


>Dirk: You presumably spend the next 18 hours training with your future-beta-self, slowly getting the hang of using the FULLMETAL'S LEFT HAND. While you probably won't be using it for any prestidigitation-related tasks anytime soon, the artificial appendage functions quite well.

However, after the long bout of training, you're feeling pretty exhausted. You've been awake for quite some time now; anymore time without sleep will likely have some negative effects on you, unless you get some coffee or 5-Hour-Energy or something.


>Future-Dirk: Well, after Rich, the next weakest player at this point would be... Connor. Yeah, it was Connor. He should be somewhere on the Land of Sea and Crystal at this point.


>Rich: Your genial gallivanting across that globe of glowing glass has gotten you a good-sized gob of glistening Grist. /Alliteration. Let's put it to good use, eh?

You create the MUSILAGGULATOR'S iDEVICE! Kind of looks like an iPod or something, but you don't recognize any of the artists or music on here. Seriously, what the hell is this? Subjugate Against? 30 Seconds to the Green Moon? The Mirthful Messiahs? Troll-David Bowie?

You create the AMALGAMATION OF RANDOM OBJECTS! Well, it looks like it's supposed to be a mid-sized desk or something, but it's got all this weird stuff sticking out of it. A potted plant, a cinder-block, a giant skull, about fifteen protractors, and a fairy in a jar going, "Hey! Listen!"



>Xavier: Your snooping is in vein, as you are unable to find a way out of the enormous chamber, with the obvious exception of the door you entered through (Which is still shut, by the way. That didn't stop being a thing or anything.)

You guess you could try to tunnel through the cloud or something, but you're not sure how long that'd take, or if it's even possible. Shoot.

>Dirk: Go to sleep

After some intense training, you decide it's about time to catch up on all the sleep you've lost lately. You ask Dirk-F2 if he's willing to stay up a bit longer and keep an eye on you so you don't get attacked in your sleep. He says that's fine, he had gotten some rest in just before he traveled back to meet up with you again, so he'll be all right for a while.

You lay down against the tree, using your KONATA BODY PILLOW THAT YOU SWEAR TO MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST UP ON HIGH YOU ONLY KEEP FOR COLLECTION PURPOSES as a cushion. It takes only forty seconds of nervously wondering if Greg ever noticed you hauling this thing around to drift off to sleep.

>Future Dirk: Go find Connor


You make your way to the Land of Sea and Crystal.

>Greg:Arrive at home

You walk down the path from the Return Node at the top of your HOME,jumping off the ROOF when you have reached it.You look around and see that everything is still the same,IMPS and SALAMANDERS playing and getting into mischief together.And in the middle,still keeping them out of trouble is Lily.

You head over to her.You could use a voice of reason right about now.

You sigh to yourself as you turn and walk away from Lily.She is right.You need to learn from your mistakes.You can't deny what you did.

As you enter your HOUSE,you take a deep breath and push the negative thoughts away.

You are a Hero damnit!This isn't what a Knight should do!A true Knight would understand that sometimes for the greater good they must do stuff they don't like to you.

The smile returns to your face as you thank Lily under your breath.You don't know what you would do without her.

You put the pendant she gave you around your neck for safe keeping and go about making the item Illire gave you the code for.You hope it works this time.

>Rich: Examine results.

The MUSILAGGULATOR'S iDEVICE is probably quite powerful, being a music device built by an entire species of trolls.

The other thing is an abomination and you scribble a note asking one of the trolls to throw it out a window as soon as possible. You mention that they should show no mercy.

>Rich: Release Sheriff Quickdraw.

Most loyal of friends;
Simply unrivaled sidekick.
So fucking awesome.

>Rich: Alchemize.


You make a MIDNIGHT JETPACK for Sheriff Quickdraw, as well.

>EC: destroy abomination

The abomination is chucked through a wall, breaking the desk and freeing most of the objects, possibly placing a gun in the story.

A perculiar gun

a gun pertaining to the individual chekhov

>Chas: React. Again.

You let out a quiet 'fuck' once the queen is out of view. Regal aura and all that, don't want to compromise your HEIR of heroism.

ha. haha ha. ha.

Made a little pun there.

>Chas: Hate yourself.

Can fucking do.

>Chas: Fumble around for entrance to tower, attempt to return to waking world.

>Dirk: Because you've completed whatever arbitrary requirements Skaia set in place (Getting your hand cut off may have had something to do with it), you find yourself waking up on Derse. Of course, you have no idea where that is, since you've never really been to Derse before. Except for that one time, where you kind of half work up.

Anyway: You find yourself somewhere that looks a lot like your bedroom. It's got the same bed, same posters, same memorabilia, etc. Really, the only difference is that everything's purple. Including your clothes, which feel really, really comfortable.


>Future-Dirk: You arrive at Connor's house on the Land of Sea and Crystal (Through various, unseen shenanigans), just in time to see something pink streak away. Wonder what that was.

But yeah, looks like he's doing something inside his house.


>Greg: As it turns out, you've now got more than enough Grist to make that suit of armor. Yay boss fights!

You create the IMPERIAL DRONE ARMOR! Geeze, this suit looks freaking dangerous. With spikes jutting from the pauldrons and full-helm, solid, plate-metal greaves and cuirass, and a pair of heavy gauntlets (One inscribed with a <3, the other with a <3-) it looks terrifying and incredibly badass. You also get the strange feeling that it'd be useful for carrying around some type of cleaning material, some kind of container or something.

It's probably really good at protecting you from damage, but, like Illire said, it doesn't seem to have any space-powers. Too bad.


>Rich: You create the ALTERNIAN ASSAULT RIFLE! Wait, what? It's just a regular gun. That's got exactly one bullet left in the magazine. Huh. Crap.

You create the RIOT IN CELL PHONE 9! A smart phone disguised as a pair of sunglasses to be worn at night! You put them on.

It's 106 miles to the Eighth Gate, you've got a gun full of music, a CROCODILE with a jetpack, it's dark out, and you're wearing sunglasses. Kick that bitch down the stairs.


>Just outside Rich's house: As the AMALGAMATION is destroyed by the cruel, unrelenting forces of gravity and momentum, two items spring free from the heap. The first, a small, unremarkable pistol, clatters to the ground, only to be picked up by a mysterious, white-gloved hand.

The other, a large, fluffy quilt, floats gently to the ground, only to be grabbed the same hand wearing the same glove.



>Chas: After floating around for a while, fumbling with walls and windows, you finally manage to land on your dream-bed, where you fitfully toss and turn. However, you do fall asleep eventually, and find yourself waking up in the real world.

Well, no surprises, you still can't see right. What is surprising is how you're not seeing right. You can clearly see that you're in your room; you can make out the vague outlines of your desk and posters and other stuff. But, you find yourself unable to really see any details about them.

Well, at least this way you hopefully won't run into a bunch of crap while going about your questing business.

>Dirk: Admire surroundings

Holy SHIT. Everything is all purple... you feel like you should know this place. Is this DERSE? Or maybe PROSPIT? Hell, you don't know anything anymore. You decide you should probably get your BEARINGS on this place, so you go to the WINDOW and look outside.

>Future Dirk: Kick in the door


Sorry, Connor, but you don't have time to dick around.

>Connor: Hear bullshit.

You fail to hear any bullshit, you're on the roof making clocks bombs of the coconutkind. (See what you did there, it was really funny.)

Also, if you did have any idea of what just happened down stairs, you would of likely this image flash though you're head.


That's all it takes for a weeaboo to smash down you're door.

Why don't you use gunkind Connor?

>Xavier: Sigh
You're gonna have to wake this guy, aren't you? Its gonna be a required boss battle, isn't it? You're going to have to wake the CHERNABOG (which you just named), kill him, take his grist, save C-Diddy, and HOPEFULLY enter through the GATE.


>Xavier: Get this show on the road
You fly up and kick the CHERNABOG.

>Chas: Get down to business.

You would, if you knew where your fucking asshole of a GRANDPA hid his legendary eyepatches! Now that you're blind you can't exactly go all INDIANA JONES on the walls here. Fuck.

Suddenly you remember you have a living GRANDPASPRITE merged with GEORGE MICHAEL. Mildly relieved, you head down to find him so you can enact your master plan.

The master plan you just came up with right now. You snatch your copy of DEUS EX HUMAN REVOLUTION before leaving.

>MetroidNut: Dual-wield observations.

HUGE QUILT MAPS are a universal constant and Chas didn't ask for this.


The former is glorious. The latter is unusual. You seem to be capable of equipping it to your SMGkind specibus. Maybe it's glitched? Or maybe it was based on a movie prop built off of a Thompson submachine gun. There's really no way to tell.

You captchalogue it. Seems pretty useless, but you never know.

>Rich: Kick this bitch down the stairs.

As much as you'd love to, there are still a few things to be done. First of all, you need to try again on your earlier alchemization. This time, you put both cards into the device, their holes overlapping.


Second, you're a bit dissatisfied with your current wardrobe. It's not that you don't like your jeans and t-shirt; you're just concerned that they might be vulnerable to JETPACK-induced ignition. Feeling a bit uncreative, you take some spare clothes from your room and grab your house's FIRE EXTINGUISHER from the kitchen.


Lastly, you need to do something about that horrifying, soulless spandex abomination. Specifically, it has to be combined with some item that will limit the influence of its spandex while also giving it the ability to speak.

You look down at THE BLUES BROTHERS DVD you left lying on the ground.

>Rich: Hunt down spandexsprite, throw THE BLUES BROTHERS DVD at it.

>Dirk: Well, it's a little hard to see out the window, what with your sunglasses and the lack of light outside. Still, you're able to realize that you're located at the top of an ornate purple tower, high above the streets of a sprawling city (Also purple. You're beginning to see a theme here).

You can also spot two other towers, similar to yours, on either side of the one you're in. Above you, however, is nothing but empty space, with no hint of light or life.

Welcome, Prince.


>Xavier: Kicking the ARCANOC in the face does nothing but wake the beast up; it spreads its fangs wide and roars at you. Releasing its grip on the ceiling, the monster falls a few yards, before opening its wings and soaring over to one of the walls. As it flies off, you're able to see that its chest is covered by a large piece of armor, and that the edges of its wings are covered with flexible blades.

The creature pauses for a moment as it clings to the wall, opening its mouth slightly and twitching its ears.


>Chas: Presumably it's time for a SPRITELOG.


>Rich: You create the BOOM BANG BLAM! Simply put, fancy alien gun, shoots music, looks awesome. Now we're cooking with petrol.

You create the FIREMAN'S JUMPSUIT! It looks like these clothes are pretty fire retardant alright, but wearing them would be almost unbearably hot. And not hot as in appearance, but in temperature.

As you toss the BLUES BROTHERS DVD sprite-ward, you are greeted by a CLIMATIC FLASH OF LIGHT!

...Freaking forums.

>Dirk: Investigate voice

You look around, but can't seem to find anyone there to speak to you. You lean out the window and try to see if there is anyone close enough to be speaking to you.

>Connor: Believe you have enough stuff.

George Carlin's monolog about stuff runs though your head as you start to think about you personally having enough stuff. You're pretty sure, that for all intensive purposes, you may have enough stuff to get though the day. You go back though the return node and head to see if the turtles have the store open TO BUY (you guessed it) MORE STUFF.

>Xavier: Be befuddled
Way ahead of ya, broseph. You were kinda expecting the CHERBOUG/ARCANOC OR WHATEVER would be flapping around, sending legions of MINIONS like A NIGHT ON BALD MOUTAIN from Fantasia (thus the name), but...

He's not doing much. Perhaps, he just wants to go back to sleep.

>Xavier: Negotiate
You speak as softly as you can, people hate it when you yell at them first thing when they wake up.
"Hey, buddy, listen. I really don't want to fight you, especially right after you woke up. Plus, I've been running around in this dungeon for what feels what feels like weeks, and I'm pooped. So, if you could be kind enough, and I know you are, could you open the door for my companion and point the way to the gate?"
You ask sweetly, people love sugar in the morning, makes them feel like its going to be a good day.


A reservoir of darkness, black
As witches' cauldrons are, when fill'd
With moon-drugs in th' eclipse distill'd
Leaning to look if foot might pass
Down thro' that chasm, I saw, beneath,
As far as vision could explore,
The jetty sides as smooth as glass,
Looking as if just varnish'd o'er
With that dark pitch the Seat of Death
Throws out upon its slimy shore.

You stare into the unknowable void that is the outer rim. Lifeless, empty, naught but pure oblivion. In that mysterious darkness, pierced not by light, by sight, by knowledge of any mortal, gentle whispers float through the plains of blackness, carrying knowledge that would drive a man to madness. In that eternal abyss lies truth, lies, things that must never been seen and words that must never be spoken.

It just got Lovecraft as shit up in this bitch.

They are waiting for your call. Find the bridge.


>Connor: Turns out that the TURTLES did get their STORE up and running. Yay! You examine their wares.
D4. 256 BOONDOLLARS. (Math jokes are fun!)



>Xavier: As soon as you begin talking, the monster pushes off from the wall, and begins swooping towards you. It reaches out and attempts to grasp you in its claws.


>Greg: Now that you finally know what your armor looks like, you are somewhat saddened by the realization that it probably doesn't have any space powers.

Then you remember that you can do PUNCH-CARD ALCHEMY. Right. That's still a thing.

>Greg:Examine new armor

You have to admit,you find the IMPERIAL DRONE ARMOR both really cool looking and kind of scary.Whats with all the spikes?You do recognize the symbol on the right gauntlet as the symbol of mAtEspRitship that Illire told you about.But you don't recognize the other.You would have to guess it would be the symbol for one of the other troll hate quadrants..what ever the heck they are.

Welp,nothing left to do now..other then to try the armor on of course.Minus the helmet.True Knights don't wear helmets.

>Greg:Don armor and attempt to walk around in it

>Rich: Behold.

>Rich: Resume daring adventure.

You release Sheriff Quickdraw and give him his MIDNIGHT JETPACK. Beckoning for him to follow you, you proceed to launch yourself towards a window. You remember immediately thereafter that the window was in fact closed. After solving this problem, your second attempt is a spectacular success; with (hopefully) Sheriff Quickdraw in tow, you set out for the road you were following prior to the formation of the HERO PILE.

>Connor: Ask the clerk more about two most expensive items, then after words check how much momey you have to give these fuckin turdals.

>Dirk: engage genre savvy.

You back into your room, taking special care not to look up. Your mind has already to develop some explanation for what just happened. But there is no helping it. Your mind, acutely tuned to the impossible, has determined the presence of Nyarlathotep in SBurb. The question now is, do you trust him? For as blatantly evil as that voice sounded, there was something vaguely prophetic about it.

Whatever it was, you'll figure out what to do about its prophecies later. Right now you need to find out where the hell you are, and what you can even do. You decide to find a way out of this tower.

>Future Dirk: Realize Connor has left his home in the time it took to walk upstairs.

God damn it. You sit down in his APARTMENT and wait for his return.

>Future Dirk: Observe Connor's terrible, pony partied, exploded, and mismatched apartment.

Oh god, this place is... something else...

Oh hey, there's coconut cake in the fridge.

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