Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

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A flower? Weird.
Probably a puzzle. Biology isn't your strong point. Wait flowers were plan genitals right? So maybe it's a reproduction thing or something.

>BTH:Check for seeds

>Chas: Your attacks, although damaging, are not enough to take down the OGRE. It grabs you, and slams you up and down.

Your HEALTH VIAL drops to 70%.


>Beth: Your search is fruitless; you find no seeds of any kind.

It seems WRENCHSPRITE wants to help. It floats over to the CRUXTRITE FLOWER, and fastens its teeth around one of the petals, and pulls it off.

Oh I see now.

>BTH:Nom Nom Nom
Why are you eating the petals?

>Beth: You try to eat one of the CRUXTRITE PETALS. You feel sick. You decide that probably wasn't the best idea.

Maybe just pick them then?
>BTH:Pick petals
Why didn't you just do this in the first place?

Be the troll guy:

Yeah, sure. You can do that for a moment. Being the troll guy; sure.

Ok. Honestly. What is up with this girl? Seriously, almost throwing the Guardian into the sprite, which apparently she prevented by hitting the kernel with a wrench and then attempting to eat a flower. All of the previous mistakes could have been forgiven, but trying to eat a plANt? She has now earned your pure, bored hate. Platonically of course.

Alright, you've been the troll guy for long enough now.


>Dirk: Check out that rumbling!

Yeah, sure you'll--wait.

WHAT?? That has to be the worst idea you've heard all day. That rumbling could be anything. It could be HARMLESS, like THE BREEZE, or it could be ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING, like some of those massive new ENEMIES that KAMINASPRITE warned you about. Or even worse, it might be your SISTER. Either way, there is no good reason to investigate that.

>Dirk: Something might be assaulting your memorabilia!

WHAT? Who the fuck would DARE mess with your shit?! SIS, MONSTER, BREEZE, or otherwise, you are about to lay a serious SMACKDOWN on somebody.

>Greg:Watch Sprite

You ask DUMMYSPRITE if he has any idea what to do with this TARGET.He seems to reply by smashing into it,repeatedly.However it seems to be having some effect as the target is now cracked.You shrug and decide to help him.

But before you do you can't help but stop and look around.In such a short time everything you have known has changed.It all seemed so simple,Waking up,have breakfast,train with MOTHER,read books,chat with friends,keep them from killing each other,read more books then bed.So simple.And now the world around you is literally crumbling to pieces.You wonder why you.Or more importantly...why YOU of all people.Your friends are far more suited to all of this.Your just a bookworm.

And yet....You take a deep breath.Fate chose you.By its will you gained your INTERESTS and HOOBIES.by its will you met your friends and,by its will,you became their mediator.

You will miss it all.But its time to take the next step in your adventure.

You calmly walk up and PUNCH the TARGET.

> Xavier: Strife along side your Father
I equip my BUTCHER'S KNIFE and head out the window.
Goddamn fucking Oprah-esque enemies!.

> Xavier: Show them your stabs
No, you have evolved beyond that. The moment they took your FATHER you no longer were the SHOWER OF STABS.

> ==>
I SLASH several IMPS.
You became the SHOWER OF SLASHS.

> Show them your slashes then
Yeah, you've been for the past couple of minutes.
Seriously, catch up.

> Xavier: Reunite with your loving Father
I see my FATHER.

> ==>
He sees me.

> ==>
We embrace.

> ==>
Even the IMPS are moved.

> Xavier: Throw off your soppy facade
FATHER and I begin attacking the IMPS.


>Beth: As you pluck the final CRUXTRITE PETAL, the stem begins to glow...

Your house, including you and your guardian, are transported away from your location in the middle of nowhere, moments before before the area is destroyed by a large METEOR.

When you come to, a look out your window shows that you are still in the middle of nowhere, just a different, and smaller, nowhere.

You appear to be situated on a tall spire of rock in the middle of a sea of darkness. You can't see anything outside of the light emitting from your house. Your WRENCHSPRITE splits in two, its black and white halves traveling downwards and upwards, respectively. You begin to hear scratching noises.


>Dirk: You follow the rumbling back to your room. There, you see a giant black hand reaching in through your window. And it's messing with all your MISCELLANEOUS MEMORABILIA! Dammit, you like that stuff!


>Greg: As you attack the CRUXTRITE TARGET, after giving your TRULY EPIC AND MOVING SPEECH... it cracks a bit more. Kind of anti-climatic.

Then the TARGET splits in half, and you are blinded by a CLIMATIC FLASH OF LIGHT.

When you regain your sight, you try and figure out where the hell you are.

It appears that your house is resting on a stone tower. It reaches quite high; you can't even see the ground.

You also notice that the DORMANT VOLCANO was transported with you. Wherever you are.


>Xavier: You and your FATHER easily defeat the IMPS. You celebrate with a FATHER-SON HUG.

That's when the OGRES show up.

>Dirk: Defend your memorabilia!

Oh shit, this is BAD. What would the MEN IN BLACK do right now? You can just imagine WILL SMITH and his wacky yet effective demeanor in pitched combat with this BEHEMOTH.

Mostly because it is currently RIPPING APART your MEN IN BLACK POSTER. You can only watch in horror as WILL SMITH'S beloved mug is crushed beneath those MASSIVE FINGERS.

>Dirk: Strife!


Ok something happened. Wait what was that Noise.
Winston takes one look at you (focusing on you stomach for some reason) and then potions himself in front of you and braces himself.
You use Winston's shoulder to support the gun and crouch down sightly so you are better covered buy his only 5 feet tallness.
With time to chard the WHATEVER-IT-WAS could be pretty destructive.

>Chas: Flip the fuck out.

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW wow this suit is surprisingly sturdy.

No. No losing your COOL. Imagine if one of your COMRADES saw you here, hapless in the grip of this OGRE?

>Chas: you are the champion. its you

You plunge your LASER FORK into the hand of the OGRE with a TRIUMPHANT CRY.

That doesn't really do all that much. You follow up this attack with a PANICKED CRY for help.


>Dirk: Inspired by the HILARIOUS ANTICS of Will Smith and possibly the SERIOUS ANTICS of Tommy Lee-Jones, you attack the SHALE OGRE'S hand. Your new sword easily slices of a couple fingers.

The OGRE withdraws its hand with a loud roar. Sounds like it's still alive.


>Beth: As you charge the WHATEVER-IT-IS, a brown IMP bursts in through a window. It appears to have affected by your prototyping. In addition to the scarf, mechanical parts, and teddy-bear ears provided by Chas', Dirk's, and Xavier's prototyping, it also seems to be armed with an appropriately sized wrench.

It turns towards you, but when it sees Winston standing in front of you, it begins to look nervous. It backs away slowly...


>Chas: Hearing your cry, GRANDPASPRITE comes to the rescue.

The next thing you know, you've been dropped on the ground. The CHALK OGRE is now picking up and smashing some of the IMPS that are still running around.

Man, considering that your Grandpa is both dead and half George Micheal, he's still a god among salesman everywhere.

>BTH: Try reasoning with it
Tell it it's ok and that you won't hurt it.
All it needs to do is put the wrench down and it can work away.
You shake the WHATEVER-IT-IS hoping to scar it away.
No need to hurt it.

>Chas: Revel.

He did the sales thing. That will probably keep the IMPS busy for a while. Damn, he's good at that. Your mere 15,000 BOONDOLLARS are chump change to the COSSACK.

Still, that OGRE is probably stashing some sweet loot. If only there were a way to harness the raw power of your LASER FORK with the finesse of your trusted LUCKY FORK. OH WAIT THERE IS

>Chas: Alchemize!


You run the cards through the usual then take them to the ALCHEMITER. You place the new totem on the platform eagerly. As it scans, you begin to fully grasp the possible alchemy pairs that this machine allows you. Which is to say, all the possibilities. All of them.

Dirk will soon build you up to the heavens. Who knows where that gate leads? Plus, you've got two forking million BUILD GRIST.

>Chas: Alchemy binge.

Alchemy binge. Yes. This is exactly what you need to do. But first, your new weapon.


> Xavier: Flip the fuck out
You decide not to do that. That'd solve nothing.

> Xavier and Father: STRIFE!
I SLASH the ORGES' feet so they can't ABSCOND

> ==>
FATHER jumps up and punches the ORGES over.

> ==>
I SLASH the ORGES torsos.

>Beth: The IMP puts the WRENCH BACK IN THE BOX. And by that I mean he puts it on the ground.

It appears that he's trying to be peaceful.


>Chas: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH! You made THE SALESMAN'S MINIATURE TRIDENT! With an easy-grip handle, tines that have been filed down to a point, and made of the finest stainless steel, the TRIDENT is the epitome of sample wares.

Oh, it also shoots lasers.

-200 Build Grist, -30 Chalk, -25 Shale, -10 Amber.


>Xavier: The AMBER OGRES take significant damage from your FATHER-SON COMBO ATTACK. However, they're not down quite yet.

Two of the OGRES attempt to grab you and your FATHER, while the other picks up chunks of your lawn, hurling them at you.

OK good no need to hurt it.
>BTH:Try communicating with it
You talk to it it's nice to speak your mother tongue for once instead of English. Then again it's a little strange to think an imp in an English game would speak french but it was what you default to.
If it doesn't work you should probably try English.

>BTH:Now to deal with the wrench

As you instruct Winston wonders over to wrench and picks it up. Making sure to Keep himself between you and the imp at all times.
Winston turns to the imp (Weird how menacing something without a visible face could look) he holds up the wretch making sure the imp could see as he breaks the tool with one hand. Winston backs away giving the imp room.

>Chas: Lower gamma setting. Zoom camera.

You pick up the TRIDENT.

The grip is cold against your palm. This is your only friend in the world right now.

And it's gonna be a long night.

>Chas: Test out new weapon.

Her name is Melody. You will address her as suHOLY JEGUS IT SHOOTS LASERS

>Chas: Harmonize with wall.

The WALL is riddled with LASER HOLES. This is pretty much the greatest thing you've ever done. Yes, you feel incredibly heroic! There is no one to challenge you now! This is the realm of the blind, and you are the man WHO HAS ALL THE EYES!


>Chas: Binge.

Okay, well, you probably can't go too all out quite yet, for personal and game reasons. But it can't hurt a fella to have a spare pair of HEROIC DUDS, can it? You cook up an idea to shoot for the CANDY CORN VAMPIRE suit. It must be fate - you had the CRUXITE PUMPKIN as your ARTIFACT, and you don't usually wear a CAPE. This will creep the hell out of those IMPS!

Plus, you should make some of those sweet glasses you see in all the movies.



>Greg:Punch Target

You punch the ARCHERY TARGET and...nothing happens.Well that was anti-climatic.You scratch your head and try to think of what to try next when you see that the TARGET is starting to crack more.You watch the cracks go down the middle of the target and then...A FLASH OF LIGHT fills the room as the TARGET breaks in half.

>Greg:Enter Medium

You lower your hand from your eyes as the LIGHT dissapates.You blink.You see that the ACHERY TARGET is now gone.You run over to the window and look outside and your eyes go wide.You see the VOLCANO is still there but now you seem to be a bit higher off the ground.On top of a TOWER it seems.So high you can't even SEE the ground.

You take a deep breath.Well looks like your not in Kansas anymore.Or Florida for that matter.

You decide to look around the house to make everything is still in one piece.

>Dirk: Give pursuit!

You waste absolutely no time in chasing the MASSIVE HAND as it retreats out your WINDOW. You look down at the remains of your ruined poster, the stern face of TOMMY LEE JONES watching you. You can almost hear him say "Go, the kid needs you more than I do." You respect MR. JONES' wishes and hop out the window, ready to throw down with whatever MONSTER has dared steal your precious WILL SMITH.

>Beth: The IMP fails to understand you. You're not sure it can understand any Earth languages at all.

It is now also extremely terrified of Winston. It attempts to ABSCOND, trying to climb out the window it entered through.


>Chas: Your attempt at creating some more HEROIC DUDS yields the CANDY-STRIPED BUSINESS SUIT. It's basically the HARD-BROILED BUSINESS SUIT except colored orange, yellow, and white. -10 Build Grist, -10 Chalk.

You also create the TELEMARKETER'S GLASSES, a pair of glasses with a smart-phone interface built in! They also shoot lasers. They are awesome. -75 Build Grist, -15 Shale.


>Greg: As you examine your house, you see that all the doors and windows are still locked. Nuts.

Naturally, you have no idea where your MOTHER is. You can never find her when she doesn't want to be found.

You do, however, find Perrywinkle sitting on a windowsill, staring out at your new location. When he hears you enter the room, he hops down and begins to follow you.


>Dirk: As you jump out the window, you see the offending SHALE OGRE. Wow, he's big. And he's holding a very big wrench as well. In his Gundam arm. Wow, this is going to be tough.

You notice the torn remains of WILL SMITH'S face lying on the ground.

>BTH:Let it go
Winston points to the nearest exit and give the Imp a look. he won't harm it if it goes.
Now back to this SPRITE business, the WRENCH probably wasn't a good choice and Winston can't do it.
Wait there was something you could use.
Now just to find out if it could be changed.

>Chas: One last thing.

You're kind of low on CARDS. You duplicate 39 more, because BUILD GRIST is pretty much worthless at this point. You tuck the LASER FORK safely away next to your LUCKY FORK, keeping it in case you need something to SHOOT MORE LASERS than usual. You shoot a few EYE BEAMS like it ain't even a thing, because you're at this point just completely forking awesome.

Except for that CANDY CORN SUIT. You...guess you'll keep it around? For ironic purposes, of course.

Not that you're ever wearing it. The HARD-BROILED BUSINESS SUIT is too HARD-BROILED. You cannot hope to beat the SUIT in a SLEUTH-OFF. It is simply the best there is.

>Chas: Return outside.

The OGRE and the IMPS have continued their brawl, with both sides considerably weakened. The CHALK OGRE continues his solitary struggle against the IMPS, but you decide to lighten his burden a bit by blowing them up with your eye-beams.

The OGRE turns to you confused, his former enemies now piles of ash. You pull out the MINIATURE TRIDENT.

Can I interest you in some...

You remove your GLASSES.


You launch a full salvo of LASERS OGRE-ward.


>Greg:Examine House

As you go through the house and make sure that everything is as it should be you find that the windows and doors still seem to be locked.Lovely.Oh well,just another problem to solve later.

You also find your MOTHER'S Cat sitting atop a windowsill and staring out upon your new location.He turns his head and spots you,jumping down from the sill and starts following you around.You don't blame him.

The LIVING ROOM is the same as it was before the bright light.The KITCHEN is fine as well save for a few dishes that fell to the floor in all the shaking and now lay broken.You will need to clean that up later.

Of course though out the search you don't find hide nor hair of your MOTHER.Not surprising as SHE is probably watching from some secret NINJA ROOM or something.

Well everything around here seems to be in order.You decide to check your room to make sure none of your books were damaged.

As you are walking to your room,your PDA gives off a beep.Someone is pestering you.

You hope that conversation will help Beth some and that she will careful still.Oh well,onward to your room.You decide to keep the PDA in your hand,just in case.

>BTH:Pester someone for help

That was helpful.
So all you need to do is the same as last time. You still have the PUPPET. You've been carrying it for years.
Dr NED DEL you're mother never was too good at puns was she. IT was almost unique only one other in the world and Fran would have that. It was as descried a knitted bear in a doctors uniform. He did his job made the injections less scary. Winston had seen it and most probably knew what it was even if he hadn't been used in years.

>BTH: Well get on with it.
Ok sure.
You combined the DR and the KERNELSPRITE.

>Dirk: Mourn

You were TOO LATE. You cannot help but shed multiple tears as you sob out apologies to your main man WILL SMITH. You whisper your FINAL GOODBYES before rising to your feet, BASSWORD in hand. That OGRE will pay. THEY WILL ALL PAY!

>Dirk: STRIFE!


You follow DRNEDDELSPRITE outside, where he directs you to look up. He points out the FIRST GATE, and explains that you must build your way up to it. Only then can your adventure continue.

He also says that he'll be around if you have any more questions.


>Chas: Your BAD PUN does enough mental damage to defeat the CHALK OGRE. The lasers were just overkill.

You grow to level 10, becoming a ROOKIE SALESMAN! Boondollars pour in, getting you 127,725 total.

You also reap the Grist left behind by all your enemies. +528 Build Grist, +798 Chalk Grist, +333 Shale Grist, +146 Amber Grist.

GRANDPASPRITE looks quite pleased with your progress. He offers you a celebratory high five.


>Greg: You enter your room, taking a look at your precious bookshelves. And the swarm of IMPS tearing them apart.

Perrywinkle hisses, gaining the IMPS attention. A group of seven charge at you.


>Dirk: Your HARUHARA BLADE deals a lot of damage to the OGRE. However, that just kind of made it mad.

Suddenly, a STEEL D20 slams into your opponent's face, knocking him down. You spin around, and see your SIS watching you from the roof. She's got one of DISCONCERTING GRINS on her face.

She tosses you a balled up piece of paper and jumps off the roof. She then proceeds to jump off the edge of your stone island. You're sure she'll be fine.

>Chas: BUNP

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

>Chas: Brag.

A short scan of your CHUMROLL shows that there evidently isn't anyone to BRAG to, but if there was, you would be talking about your LASERS for hours upon hours. No one will ever know they come from your GLASSES, either. You're a regular superhero.

Logical thought leads you to the conclusion that everyone is either off dealing with their own STRIFE or getting themselves into the MEDIUM. It'd probably be best to let them figure out what they can do in combat, then let them all know politely that you are easily the most rad person. By a METRIC FORKTON.

You've at last raked in some BOONDOLLARS to be proud of, truly honoring your ancestry. Comfortable with your LEVEL, you fiddle with your GLASSES. Evidently, they are not only capable of reducing IMPS to ash and helping out with BAD RAD PUNS, they are a handsfree way of accessing PESTERCHUM, albeit regular old PESTERCHUM and not your preferred SERIOUS BUSINESS client, and all the other amenities a SMARTPHONE gives. Evidently, the clock is broken. How odd.

>Chas: Kill time.

You return to the ALCHEMITER. Time to REALLY make things shine.


Okay, well, now you're sort of out of ideas. Whatever, you've got the necessities for the on-the-go hero down.


>Greg:Enter room

You almost get to your room when someone pesters you.Another strange being.

Huh,another human.Could more have escaped?Or was he lying?You shrug your shoulders and decide to figure that out later.But anyways you are at your ROOM DOOR.

Just before you enter you stop and put your ear to the door as you think you hear movement of the other side.And the sound of items being moved and tossed.

You open the door to your ROOM and everything seems to slowdown.You look upon the carnage.

Seven creatures,which you would guess are the creatures called IMPS,are going through your BOOKSHELVES and tearing your BOOKS apart.

You stand there FROZEN.You wonder if your heart had stopped.A feeling your not used to seems to have gripped you.You think its called shock or atleast thats what you think its called.You just can't seem to take your eyes off the scene.

And then the CAT hisses at the IMPS which seems to draw their attention to you.After a moment they grab the nearest book,likely to use as a weapon against you,and charge you.

You watch them advancing toward you,everything still almost in slow mo.

Your REALLY COOL GUY meter drains rapidly.As it hits the bottom you feel it.The one emotion that you have tried your whole life to control.It bubbles up inside of you and yet in your
current state you can't seem to fight it.The shock is still too great.Your eyes seem to darken and gain a tint of red,though it might just be a trick of the light,and you start to breath heavy.The Rage is upon you.You ready your KNIGHT'S SWORD and prepare to rip these IMPS apart.


>Dirk: Pocket note and finish off that vandal!

You're sure that whatever your SIS wanted to say was important, but right now what's more important is beating the shit out of this OGRE. He has a PRICE to pay for taking the life of WILL SMITH. You hop onto his ROTUND BELLY as the BREEZE picks up, his RED SCARF flapping against the twilight sky. You equip your HYPERION GUNBLADE and commence its ULTIMATE FINISHER MOVE:


OK building.
Simple enough you're good at that.
OK first thing's first itemize.
>BTH:Check surrounding for building materials and make a list.
OK seconds things second check if anyone else is around.
>BTH:Call out for other people+ Ask Winston if he's seen anyone other than the imp?

>Greg: Your RAGE ATTRIBUTE is incredibly high right now! As you attack the IMPS, they are easily felled by your KNIGHT'S SWORD.

You are promoted to level 4, JUVENILE ECLIPSE! You earn 1875 BOONDOLLARS!

You also pick up 139 Build Grist and 101 Marble Grist.


>Chas: Your ALCHEMY BINGE has the following results:

SHITTY ALTERNIAN PITCHFORK! A giant pitchfork. -125 Build Grist, -15 Amber Grist.
THE HARD-BROILED HEADSET! Hey, now your glasses match your suit! Awesome. -75 Build Grist, -15 Shale Grist.
BRIEFCASE COMPUTER! It's a computer that can be carried around like a briefcase. Alright. -100 Build Grist.


>Dirk: You EXECUTE the OGRE in a truly epic manner. It causes you to level up to a level 10 Adolescent Tutor. You now have a total of 127,725 Boondollars.

You also gain 203 units of Build Grist and 157 units of Shale.


>Beth: Winston points out a group of IMPS standing a ways away from you. They look like they want to attack, but are clearly afraid of Winston.

>Chas: Suit up.

Not yet.

>Chas: Get your final ingredient.

You take the BRIEFCASE COMPUTER up to your room and dig through a shelf. You keep your GREATEST HITS CDs here. You sort through several QUEEN volumes and the various hits of the 70s and 80s until you find what you were looking for.

You take your DAVID BOWIE GREATEST HITS CD, insert it into your BRIEFCASE COMPUTER, and select a track you have been waiting to use for your whole life.


>Chas: SUIT UP.


And you strut the shit out of your room. You are so fucking awesome.

Some people might say this isn't serving any purpose. You would shoot them in the face. This is pretty much the greatest thing you've ever done.

You strut back downstairs and turn the FUNK LEVEL down to a level low enough to allow you to sit.

>Chas: Wait, I guess.

Yeah, you're pretty much not doing anything for now. You continue to tighten the USS Fork's sails.

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