MetroidNutQuest 2012

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>MN: Quote "Of Mice and Men" in order to confuse Dirk. He probably doesn't understand anything but anime, right?

>MN: Rip off your SHIRT and say, "Come at me bro!" to lure DIRK out of hiding.

>MN: Quote "Of Mice and Men" in order to confuse Dirk. He probably doesn't understand anything but anime, right?

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You SCREAM that he ain't worth a greased lack pin to ram him into hell.

His exposure to NON-ANIME ENTITIES seems to have left him CONFUSED! You hear a loud crash from the room behind you.

>Call the cops: Obviously he's a burglar.

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You don't have a PHONE! Maybe there's one somewhere in DIRK'S HOUSE.

>Dirk: Your glasses are your phone. Why else would they be so bulky and pointy?

>MN: Acquire SHITTY REPLACEMENT WEAPON from the FOYER.

>MN: Viciously search house for phone. Attempt to dial trusted local police force.

>MN: Construct a telegraph from the STAIR RAILING and POCKET LINT. Call in an airstrike using said communication device.

>MN: Acquire SHITTY REPLACEMENT WEAPON from the FOYER.

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What the fuck is a FOYER? Is it some kind of DOG?

>MN: Go find Dirk's FOYER TERRIER

>MN: Construct a telegraph from the STAIR RAILING and POCKET LINT. Call in an airstrike using said communication device.

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Using the STAIR RAILING and a bit of LINT from your PANTS (no, not the PANTS you had on your head), you construct a WIRELESS TELEGRAPH. You attempt to call on airstrike with it, but you seem to get in touch with the POLICE instead.

You go ahead and tell the POLICE that there's a BURGLAR in here, and he's ARMED AND DANGEROUS! The POLICE tell you that a squad was already on its way to a neighboring HOUSE, and they'll drop by to help you on the way. You thank the POLICE and give them the address of DIRK'S HOUSE.

The SIRENS in the distance have gotten quite loud, haven't they?

>MN: Go find Dirk's FOYER TERRIER.

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By stunning coincidence that has absolutely nothing to do with author laziness, Dirk's FOYER TERRIER has just stepped into the room! No, hold on. That's just your UGLY DOG. Wait...what's it doing in DIRK'S HOUSE? Has it been consorting with the enemy!?!

>MN: Exit DIRK'S HOUSE through the BACK DOOR. Hide in DIRK'S BACKYARD.

>MN: Rush to meet the police with reckless abandon.

>MN: Ride your FAITHFUL STEED to victory. Or, make a joke about how doing so would be incredibly (adjective).

>MN: Realise you have been staring into a mirror

>MN: Exit DIRK'S HOUSE through the BACK DOOR. Hide in DIRK'S BACKYARD.

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On the way to the BACK DOOR, you enter DIRK'S KITCHEN! In it, you find a questionably-conscious DIRK PACE, who in his CONFUSED state seems to have run into a WALL! Looks like he dropped your SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER, too. You suspect these events are related.

>MN: Ride your FAITHFUL STEED to victory. Or, make a joke about how doing so would be incredibly (adjective).

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Doing so would be incredibly (adjective)!

>Dirk: Be fake-sleeping to avoid being mauled by the WINDOW-HOPPING VARMINT

>WHV: Hop through window, Varmint in MN's direction

>MN: Pick up SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER, and take DIRK'S RED FACE THINGS as a trophy.

>MN: Check out pirate-ship steeringwheel under the sheet of plywood on the ground

>MN: Pick up MEATY FIST, deliver incredibly confusing and Western monologue about number of bullets fired to the unconscious Dirk.

>MN: Pick up SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER, and take DIRK'S RED FACE THINGS as a trophy.

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You regain your title of ARMED AND DANGEROUS. However, you cannot remove DIRK'S RED FACE THINGS! These alleged sunglasses appear to be permanently attached to his face! You think...you think he nailed them on. Jegus, this guy is fucked up.

Your UGLY DOG follows you into DIRK'S KITCHEN.

>MN: Check out pirate-ship steeringwheel under the sheet of plywood on the ground.

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You take a moment to fully appreciate the MASTERWORK TABLE.

>MN: Deliver incredibly confusing and Western monologue about number of bullets fired to the unconscious Dirk.

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You know what he's thinking. "Did you fire one shot or none at all?" Well, to tell him the truth, in all this excitement you kind of lost track youself. But being as this is a SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER, the least deadly handgun in the world, and would cause him at least minor pain if he was shot in the eye, he's got to ask himself one question: "Do I feel lucky?"

Well, do ya, punk?

>Foyer Terrier: Be the mastermind behind it all. Make MN stand down. Take the loot and run.

>Having found a dog and your MEATY FIST; begin the aformentioned ritual

>MN: Kick DIRK'S FACE.

SamuelT:
>Having found a dog and your MEATY FIST; begin the aformentioned ritual

Right, that's still a thing. Do that.

>Hunt around in the cabinets that were always in this kitchen for a back up weapon, in case your SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER is ever stolen again.Then raid the totally existent FRIDGE as well.

>Having found a dog and your MEATY FIST; begin the aforementioned ritual.

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You bring your SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER to your UGLY DOG's head, in preparation for the ritual.

You read about the ritual online, about a month ago. It was pretty obviously posted by some TROLL. The guy was a complete dick, but surprisingly funny, until he got rightfully banned. As your way of honoring his work, you decided to commit his "ritual" to memory, and one day perform it. You think he would appreciate the gesture.

But that's not entirely true. All your life, you have been plagued by a soft voice whispering into you mind. It spoke only vague, incoherent nothings - and yet, somehow, you invariably understood what it was trying to tell you. It concerned you at first, but you eventually came to recognize it for what it was: the voice of your subconscious mind. The expression of your deepest desires. The guardian of countless secrets known not even to you.

Your subconscious frequently tells you to do the usual things. To ask a pretty girl on a date; to ignore whatever unpleasant task you've been assigned in favor of the sweet opiates of mass media. But that day, a month ago, your subconscious became strangely enthralled by the dark mystique surrounding the TROLL's so-called "ritual". The incoherent nothings whispered nonsense in your ear, and you understood what you were being told - that you needed to perform the ritual.

Consciously, you're fully aware that shooting your UGLY DOG with an AIRSOFT REVOLVER will do absolutely nothing, regardless of any incantations you might say beforehand. The DOG probably won't even feel it. It's a pretty stupid ritual.

But as you chant the required phrases of pseudo-Latin, the black depths of your mind hope, and what's more, firmly believe, that the ritual will open an irreversible pathway leading beyond the veil of shadows.

Either that or somebody's been slipping PCP into your soda again.

Will you pull the trigger? (Y/N)

>MN: Y

>MN: Yes.

At the risk of sounding incredibly self-indulgent, here's hoping we'll be seeing our favorite eldritch entity from another dimension.

>MN: Do it!
Wait, are you talking about GodMonster or Lord English?

>MN: Y

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You squeeze the trigger back halfway, locking the cylinder of your SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER into place. The grip is cold against your palm. This is your only friend in the world right now. And it's gonna be a long night.

Gently, you pull the trigger the rest of the way.

You are greeted by a "click".

Why, that UNSCRUPULOUS HOOLIGAN, DIRK PACE, must have sabotaged the SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER by spinning the CYLINDER! The BB could be in any of SIX separate places - well, FIVE now, you guess - and you have no way to tell which one!

The humanity!

>At the risk of sounding incredibly self-indulgent, here's hoping we'll be seeing our favorite eldritch entity from another dimension.

Nicolas Cage will not be appearing in this game.

>MN: Well, no use in doing things halfway. Keep trying to perform the ritual until the SHITTY AIRSOFT REVOLVER fires.

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