KT>All you did was turn around 180 degrees. just turn around 180 more degrees and dig there.

>KT: All you did was turn around 180 degrees. Just turn around 180 more degrees and dig there.

You currently exist in a featureless, uniform landscape, dotted with not one single LANDMARK, excepting the BRITISH FLAG you already RANSACKED. Any assumption that your position has remained relatively unchanged from panel to panel is just that - an assumption. Perhaps a presumptuous one. Perhaps you have been drifting one meter to the right with each panel? Perhaps you walk one mile between each panel. There is no frame of reference, and thus no way to tell; distance is completely meaningless in this realm.

None of that is true. You're just really stupid and forgot where the WATER KIDNEY was buried in a matter of seconds.

You hear a FAINT WHISPER. It sounds MILDLY INTIMIDATING! It's not intimidating enough to be a RAGING BULL or VICIOUS SAVAGE BEARING PEACEFUL INTENTIONS, no. But it is at the very least a RATHER PERTURBED LAMB or HUNGRY ORPHAN! You really should fortify FORT BOXIA before it arrives!

>KT: Eat templar for sustenance.

>KT: Eat templar for sustenance.

What are you, some kind of BARBARIAN!? You cannot EAT YOURSELF without SALT!

KT>Charge in the direction of the sound, Sword drawn.

>KT: Forget your theoretical sword! Run screaming towards the LIKELY ORPHAN.

>KT: Auto-Parry.

>KT: Forget your theoretical sword! Run screaming towards the LIKELY ORPHAN.

You CHARGE heroically, having elected not to draw your MASTERWORK SWORD for reasons known only to you! You quickly discover something incredibly heartening - a DARK-HUED BUSH, the first thing you have seen in WEEKS that isn't UNIFORMLY GRAY! You collapse to the ground, overcome with JOYOUS EXULTAwaitwhat.

Oh God. Oh God what is that.

Their piercing ogle is a tightly-focused laser boring its way through your psyche; they tear into your very soul, heeding no mind to the sentient creature being ripped apart by their appalling gaze. The crimson abominations begin picking apart your rapidly-fracturing mind. Your darkest secrets are laid bare in front of their searing gaze. You are helpless to resist as every thought that has ever crossed your mind is examined and studied by the horrible, horrible eyes, their intensity matched only by their casual disinterest. For a moment, a window opens to another world, one of unimaginable horrors, and through it, you can see with total clarity the reality of your situation - you are of such pitiful insignificance next to this creature that it is ravaging your mind out of boredom.

YOU FUCKING HATE ORPHANS.

>KT: Auto-Parry.

You are too busy being INCREDIBLY TERRIFIED to AUTO-PARRY the DISCONCERTING OGLE!

>KT: Gain courage from a quick prayer.

>KT: Scare it off by eating one of your fingers.

>KT: One word: Minigun.

>KT: Gain courage from a quick prayer.

You don't have enough GOLD for a CHURCH-SPONSORED QUICK PRAYER! MARTIN LUTHER won't come around for another few centuries, remember?

>KT: One word: Minigun.

You cannot even believe how incredibly stupid that thought was! This is the MIDDLE AGES and MINIGUNS won't be invented for the better part of a millennium! Why would you even try to use a MINIGUN!?! That is absolutely and patently ABSURD! You have a VAST ARSENAL okay well you have a MASTERWORK SWORD and a ROCK and you have to go and try to use a MINIGUN! In the MIDDLE AGES! As a KNIGHT TEMPLAR! That would make no sense whatsoever, and be completely impossible to reconcile with the PLOT!

All of a sudden a MINIGUN falls from the sky.

>MetroidNut: Wonder why you drew that minigun yourself.

I could've just pulled an image off Google and posted long ago, but noooooooo, I had to go and draw it in GIMP.

Right, got a series of commands here. Because why not?

>KT: Attempt to best the ORPHAN in MORTAL COMBAT.

>Orphan: Hurl the knight far into the future, where your evil is law.

>KT: Land on top of our wounded protagonist.

>KT: Kick Minigun into ORPHAN'S face, then pick up and shoot up the plot rails.

>KT: Attempt to best the ORPHAN in MORTAL COMBAT.

The MINIGUN is less effective than you had hoped.

>Orphan: Hurl the knight far into the future, where your evil is law.

The ORPHAN does not take orders from you! But, fortunately enough, it was already planning on tossing the KNIGHT TEMPLAR into the future. Not to the point where its EVIL is LAW, admittedly, but far enough for its purposes.

>KT: Land on top of our wounded protagonist.

You don't have a lot of choice in the matter!

>KT: Kick Minigun into ORPHAN'S face, then pick up and shoot up the plot rails.

The ORPHAN is eight hundred years in the past! And any PLOT RAILS were thoroughly destroyed several moments ago, when INTENDED PLOT ARC MEDIEVALQUEST 2012 was, to the surprise of the AUTHOR, cut violently short by a player suggestion I decided to follow through on, with the character of the KNIGHT TEMPLAR (intended to be a one-off PROTAGONIST-OF-THE-WEEK) set to potentially become a MAIN CHARACTER in METROIDNUTQUEST 2012!

Or DIE IN FUTILITY. Whichever's funnier.

KT & MN: View ghastly trio of possible cop-like antagonists storming into the hall. Take a day or two, it's fine. I'm sure the image will be there in a day or two.

TWO

>KT:Use mingun to forcibly convert the DYING PROTAGONIST under you.

KT & MN: View ghastly trio of possible cop-like antagonists storming into the hall. Take a day or two, it's fine. I'm sure the image will be there in a day or two.

Ok. After all, you've got...

TIME.

Which is good because it'll probably take a day or two for METROIDNUT to gather enough strength to raise his head briefly, and for KNIGHT TEMPLAR to figure out he's not looking the right way.

>KT:Use mingun to forcibly convert the DYING PROTAGONIST under you.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS HIM

>MetroidNut: Note weird flickering things in above image.

Damn RUSSIANS. Always ruining my GIF FILES.

KT>Use the POWER OF CHRIST to fully heal the DYING MAIN CHARACTER.

>KT: Use the POWER OF CHRIST to fully heal the DYING MAIN CHARACTER.

You still lack the GOLD for a CHURCH-SANCTIONED PRAYER! After all, you've never heard of MARTIN LUTHER! You decide you'll try BEATING the required GOLD out of this kid.

>KT: Use SHOVEL to dig a hidey hole for KT and DYING MAN.

>KT's platemail: Be surprisingly adept at deflecting bullets.

>KT: Use SHOVEL to dig a hidey hole for KT and DYING MAN.

You SHOW THE GROUND YOUR DIGS.

>KT's platemail: Be surprisingly adept at deflecting bullets.

Luckily, you are lined with the strongest materials the MIDDLE AGES had to offer! Specifically, a MAGICAL CONCOCTION, its formula known only to the WIZARD who created it! He called it "KEVLAR".

>Deflected bullets: Slightly annoy Dirk's SIS.

>Deflected bullets: Slightly annoy Dirk's SIS.

You're pretty sure she's just amused.

Meanwhile, the KNIGHT TEMPLAR has finished delicately crafting the HOLE OF SANCTUARY! Unfortunately, due to his poor SHOVELMANSHIP, it is only large enough to hold one person!

Um... if no one else is going to post, I guess I might as well throw out another one?

>KT: Stuff that DYING GUY in the hole.

>Vaudevillian Extraordinaire Charlie Chaplin: Use the power of comedy to heal this dying young man.