++++++++B-B-B-B-B-B-BROADCAST IN THREE, TWO, ONE... ROCK IT!!!!++++++++
"Sentience!" said Erzanx Infinus, lord of all frequencies and giga-bonsai guru "I do sincerely apologize for that brief delay. It's not the first time Dimensional Deathmatch has experienced technical difficulties, but each such terrible occasion fills me with sadness and regret"
Erzanx made a grandiose gesture (Or rather, more grandiose than usual) and the blank space behind him lit up with millions of incredibly tiny, incredibly bright lights.
"Across all spaces, all planes and all dimensions the souls of the hopeful have been crying out! Our dedicated and tireless teams of empaths have been working themselves to death, in a manner of speaking, to find those entrants with the qualities that Dimensional Deathmatch desires! What are those qualities, you ask? Moxy, I reply, moxy and a physical form that doesn't incinerate the minds of carbon and argon based lifeforms that see it!"
The lights winked out slowly behind the orange showhost, leaving behind only the brightest. At a gesture from Erzanx, these favored, especially luminous sparks sprang forth and began to orbit lazily around his upheld hand. With the remaining three, he continued to gesticulate unrepentantly.
"Here they are, sentience, the champions of skill, speed, strength, sorcery and science sent to satisfy and slake your slightly sadistic, slavering soft spot for struggle!"
The lights flew outward from Erzanx, striking the stage in a rough semicircle before him.
There was a flash. There was a bang. Then, when the ringing cleared, there were the contestants.
"Welcome, entrants, to the bridge of the ultraship Versecore! Although it's capable of altering and exceeding the concept of velocity, you'll find it the smoothest ride this side of a friction-less lover. I do apologize to the Experiment and Miss Anthrax for the force fields, but I prefer my component elements to stay within my dermal layers and to remain uninfected. As for the rest of you, feel free to wave to the folks back home, and everyone everywhere else". Erzanx directed a not entirely smug-free smile towards Walt Nas'Korllm.
"You'll have residences here for the duration of the contest, and will be positively pampered between bouts by our capable and understanding staff. For legal reasons, The Baron is advised not to investigate their internal structures. Once the rounds start, on the other hand, you'll be doing your best to subdue, submit or slay your opposition in whatever fashion you feel is appropriate. Before that, however, there are a few things we need to go over. If you could all stay quiet for the moment, that would be grand".
"For starters, while I don't have a problem with you delightful folk chatting between yourselves, we'll be inhibiting any radial powers, spells, energy projections or old fashioned fisticuffs while you're on board. That means you, Cassandra, can have no doubt enlightening discourses with Wilbur without burning each other's brains out, inadvertently or otherwise. Terra, you're free to move any rocks you find, but only by hand".
"You'll be broadcast live at all times while you're here, but you can opt out of this in private spaces such as your own rooms and the adjoined amenities. During matches, however, everything is recorded. Because of this we recommend using the toilet before your match. Unless, of course you don't need to. Project Inquisitor, Tenebris, and others whose digestive functions I don't want to guess at, you're off the hook".
"At any time you're free to roam the Versecore and it's infinite halls, if you get lost just ask a passer-by or the empty air and we can teleport you back to your room. I myself will always be here on the bridge, barring the next few hours, and you should feel welcome to drop in any time. Yhelth, if you swing by we can fire up the astral divini-caster and prove to your people once and for all that the pantheon exists. Maybe. Feeling lucky?"
"We really do have something for everyone on board the ship. William, while we can't provide you with any equipment I'm sure our technicians could help with planning your new armor. Muse, I'm a huge fan of all of your work, but I'll fathom that you haven't read the original barsoomian glacial eddas. Deck 6f, if you get curious. We have a gym, a library, a lab, firing ranges, hologram/tactigram/histogram decks and more dining facilities than you can conceive of without feeling full. Barring the whole 'fight for your life', thing, I can guarantee that this will be the most pleasant stay of your existences. Mr Hartigan, we can even generate a small moon if you feel at all out of place without a lunar influence".
"And, finally, just a few more specific conditions. Rook, while I can't prevent any of my crew from consenting to a potentially lethal game of chess, no games of any kind with the other contestants are allowed between matches. Ambassador, we have a few volunteer hosts for you while you stay, and feel free to ask for replacements if neural structure or lack of familiar organs becomes an issue. Captain Aero, because my first communications officer thought it would be hilarious, and I agreed, we've extended an offer to your ship's AI to inhabit your room's control circuits for the duration of the contest, we'll see if it gets back to us".
"Aaaand that about wraps it up." Said Erzanx, gesturing lazily to the doors behind the assembled cast, which slid open. Warm, friendly symbols glowed softly around the feet of each entrant, guiding them towards the doors that lead to their rooms. Before any could move, however, Erzanx straightened up and gave an apologetic cough.
"Oh, one more thing" Said Erzanx, looking for the first time something other than suavely cheerful or cheerfully suave "If you're defeated, which many of you will be, Dimensional Deathmatch will be preserving your very essences as promotional material for some supplementary, second-chance matches. We prefer to not to think of it as enslavement of the soul, but more like a generous redundancy program".
"The fine print's always a bugger, eh? Stay tuned" Said the towering alien, who then vanished entirely.
++++++++OH YEAH! BROADCAST OUT! AWESOME!!!!++++++++