Presently we are in the Mall, while Paddy is in the thick of not doing anything in his quest.
Stand by for updates.
Please read before posting.
For longtime GameFAQs forum users, you may remember the titular Mall Fight, the slapstick forum user war inside the neverending mall. For those who have never heard of this, it's a lot of fun. That's why I'm bringing it to the Escapist.
All users are in a giant mall. The mall stretches on forever, and contains any and every store you can think of (with a few notable exceptions). The goal is simple: have fun while doing horrible, horrible things to your fellow users. There are only a couple rules that ensure everyone continues to have a good time.
1. No gun or knife stores, or stores that carry conventional weapons of any kind. If a store would have a weapon section, that section isn't there. It wouldn't be any fun if you could just go pick up a shotgun, now would it? However, going to the plumbing store and building a potato cannon that shoots bowling balls is an allowable, if uncreative, option.
2. No permanent player death. Kill other players in creative ways as much as you want, they don't stay dead. Thus people can keep playing.
No leaving the mall. The doors are locked, and the exterior walls are indestructible.
EDITOR'S NOTE: There are occasions where we will leave the Mall to explore. In fact, exploration is a key point in this round.
4. Players are still people. You cannot bend steel, throw people through brick walls, and so on and so forth.
Other than that, have fun.
I burst in the Mall through the door.
"Alright, bitches, time to-Wait, this doesn't look like the Mall..." (Me)
I look around and notice a fair lack of firearms, explosives and magic items.
"Eh, classic flavor." (Me)
I get some glass, wood, strings, tape and springs and build a makeshift "rifle" that has no handle.
I am a genius at weapon design, you see.
I get a few cans of WafflesandBacon brand waffles and bacon and go camp out in a decorative bush.
I hop in a crane and drive it straight through the decorative bush store.
"Oh hey Tox. Didn't see you there," I say to Tox's mangled remains.
"Get some milk" they said, "It will be fun" they sa- Wait, this isn't Tesco's. I'll just lea- oh. This. Guess I'd better get started. *Pulls out weaponry handbook* I like the sound of a machete, or even maybe a tomahawk. *Grabs two of each and proceeds to chase after SirBryght*
"Ladies and gentlemen I am back... The fuck happened here?"
"And where is my M-60?" he says looking around as he grabs a Kukri from a blade store. and heads off towards the food court
"Hm, this is new. Never seen something like this. Oh well, guess I need to fight."
I grab a thick cane, some duct tape, and a bowie knife. "Now I have a nice spear." I turn towards miniman, "Have at you, foul demon!!"
Ah fucking balls. Wait, I trained for this! *Throws one of tomahawks at Grim*
I try to side-step but the tomahawk nips me in the side. "OW!! That shit hurt! Now I know this shit's real."
Good thing I covered the tomahawk in poison while no one was looking. *Pulls out machete* "Who's up for some close quarter combat?"
I crawl out of a tent in a camping supplies shop and look around. "Oh, this again."
I grab two walking poles and prepare to defend the Zelterland.
I awaken in the cleaning department. I grab 5-gallon jugs of bleach and soap and dump them out.
I don't remember going to Costco, do I?
The next thing to do is grab a mop and throw a few dozen hand sponges out onto the bleach and soap soaked ground, good luck not falling on that now. I hide on top of one of the shelves and await my first victim...
I wake up in a liquor store with pockets full of pre-made Molotov cocktails. Nothing to do with the mall fight that's just my natural state. "Well shit." I say, eyeing the carnage before me. I light two and throw them indiscriminately.
As I await a challenger, I notice the growing flames behind me. As I
run away retreat, I notice a camping supplies shop. "Oh good, maybe I can find some food!" I exclaim, not knowing who lies inside. With one hand grasping my machete, I enter. I then notice Trilby, and attempt to slash him.
I deflect the slash in an incredibly badass fashion with one pole, and stab Mini in the thigh with the other.
As I fall to the floor, I manage to lodge the unused tomahawk into Trilby's chest. Satisfied, I crawl away in search of medical supplies, before I hopefully bleed out.
I saunter casually past the camping shop, lobbing in a Molotov. When I notice two people fighting inside I toss in another for good measure.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUU- The fire seems to have caught up to me. Or maybe the starter of the original one, gave birth to another. I crawl into the employees only section, to escape the inferno. While I do this, I retrieve my bloodied tomahawk with Trilby suspiciously gone.
I realise that starting this many fires in close proximity was quite a bad idea. I throw some more Molotovs anyway and run like hell into a sports store down the corridor, I grab a baseball bat and some fencing sabres before dramatically sliding over the counter and preparing to ambush anyone who enters.
I respawn in a brewery, and get a load of whiskey.
Then I get hella drunk, and go on a rampage.
I charge Zombie and punch him in the side of the head.
As I try and find an exit, I - OW! What the fuck? *Notices Trilby standing there, in an extremely drunken state* "Are you fucking kidding me? First I'm stabbed in the leg, then almost set on fire, and you're here to finish me off?" I say as I pull out one of my machetes. I then take a swipe at Trilby who is standing very close.
I fall backwards, luckily dodging the blade.
I point behind Zombie. "KRAKEN!"
I refuse to look backwards, keeping my sword leveled with Trilby. "Pssh, hah! You really think I would fall for that one?" I then hear a gurgling behind me, which causes me to blindly stab at whatever may be behind me.
When Zombie is distracted by the fake Kraken, I kick him in the bollocks and pencil-roll away.
*Coughs* Fucking dickbag... *Notices how Trilby rolls into pool filled with sharks* Oh fuck. Oh look! *Finds first aid kit, and after healing self, limps away*
Preempting visitors to the sports store I leap out, upon spying the injured Zombie I ram two fencing sabres through his chest and hit him square in the face with the baseball bat.
Lucky for me, I end up going in a circle and avoid the shark pool.
I get up and stagger into a kilt shop.
I notice Paddy running towards me, maybe he wishes to be allies. "Let's join for-" Stab. Whack. I stare at the ceiling as I'm beaten. I think I managed to give him a gash, but that doesn't matter. My vision fades as- Why the fuck am I in a boiler room? I notice I've kept my weapons and even regained my poisoned tomahawk. I sit in the hot room, contemplating my situation, waiting for someone to come and taste the cold metal of my blades.
I look down at the huge gash on my chest.
"That motherFUCKER." To avoid being preyed on by lesser opponents I commit seppuku and wake up in a sweet shop. A sabre is till in my hand and the baseball bat clamped between my teeth. I start to eat everything I can lay my hands on.
I respawn in a video game store. After playing some awesome action-packed games, I go on a rampage using the game discs as weapons, flinging them to everyone. I see Paddy and throw a few discs his way.
A disk slides under the door. I look and see that it's Mass Effect 3. "Fuck yeah, got a free game!" I exclaim. I sneak into the game shop, barricade myself in, and play it for a while.
I kick my way into the video game shop, wearing a nice kilt. And nothing else.
"IS THAT ME3!? AWESOME!" I say.
I watch Zombie play ME3 for a bit, then slit his throat with a sgian dubh.
As the knife hits my throat, I remember about that surgery I had, to prevent damage to the neck. "Fuck you Trilby!" I say, as I kick him in the balls, and smash his head through a TV screen. I then proceed to stab him multiple times in varying regions of the body.
I look at Zombie, too drunk to realise I'm almost dead.
I then die.
I respawn in a bakery, and stock up on the deadliest item in the shop.
As I approach Paddy, I find my makeshift spear lying on the ground. "Ah, sweet!" I drop the games, grab my spear and turn back towards the game shop. I see Mini, and do a retro-charge towards him, impaling him onto the spear. "What now Bitch?!"
After watching Mini getting impaled I rush Grim with my gladius, severing his arm.